YA Query help for Eager, Terrifed Newbie

[McGigs]

Hi all,

I know that I'm new here, but I would really love to hear your opinions of my query letter. I didn't discover this community until I started the publication process, so please forgive my lack of past participation. I hope to be of assistance to future queriers going forward. Anyways, without further ado here is my query.

Dear Agent,

Vincent is a super-being. A cactus that has been genetically engineered to absorb the power of Field energy. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is that he's tired of being trapped in the underground military lab where he's been kept since he was a seedling. So, hungry for sunlight and freedom, he escapes.

Commander Rout is furious. His greatest weapon has vanished. And if he doesn't find Vincent soon, the cactus will become too powerful for his men to capture. Then he’ll have no choice but to release Steve, a parasitic, Field energy enhanced orchid capable of hijacking animals' nervous systems. Steve is pure evil, but he's the only weapon Rout has that can defeat Vincent. And if Vincent can’t be controlled, he has to be destroyed.

Together, Vincent, his creator, and a young couple who get pulled into the adventure flee to China to escape the Commander’s reach. That's where they meet the Tara-Chi, an ancient tribe of warrior monks sworn to protect the Field. Through the Tara-Chi, they learn that a hole has appeared in the Field's fabric. And if it isn't mended, it will mean the end life on earth.

The fate of the Universe rests in Vincent's stubby arms. To save it, he'll have to face his greatest enemy, and be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice.

I have a B. Comm. from the University of Calgary, and an M.B.A. and J.D. from Dalhousie University. As a former staff writer for the Fraser Institute’s Canadian Student Review Magazine, I have published numerous articles on economics and public policy. My academic work has also been published in the Dalhousie Journal of Interdisciplinary Management.

RISE OF THE SUCCULENT is a young adult Science Fiction novel, complete at 55,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[OneChoice1]

Hi all,

I know that I'm new here, but I would really love to hear your opinions of my query letter. I didn't discover this community until I started the publication process, so please forgive my lack of past participation. I hope to be of assistance to future queriers going forward. Anyways, without further ado here is my query.

I haven't been here for a long while, but I'm happy to help in any way I can

Dear Agent,

Vincent is a super-being. A cactus that has been genetically engineered to absorb the power of Field energy. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is that he's tired of being trapped in the underground military lab where he's been kept since he was a seedling. So, hungry for sunlight and freedom, he escapes.

The opening sentence needs to hook right away. Since "super-beings" aren't uncommon, try to show right out what makes Vincent unique. Maybe "Vincent doesn't know it, but he's a cactus. Genetically engineered in an underground military lab, he is Commander Rout's greatest weapon against . . . ."

You could also be less vague about how he escapes from the big bad military.


Commander Rout is furious. His greatest weapon has vanished. And if he doesn't find Vincent soon, the cactus will become too powerful for his men to capture. Then he’ll have no choice but to release Steve, a parasitic, Field energy enhanced orchid capable of hijacking animals' nervous systems. Steve is pure evil, but he's the only weapon Rout has that can defeat Vincent. And if Vincent can’t be controlled, he has to be destroyed.

The first sentence seems a bit too obvious. Consider clarifying why Vincent is getting stronger the longer he's out in public, and then move on to specifying that Commander Rout has 72 hours (or whatever) to find the mutant cactus before he has no choice but to release Steve.

Is there another way to describe Steve other than "a parasitic, Field energy enhanced orchid capable of hijacking animals' nervous systems"?

By saying that Commander Rout will have no choice but to release Steve, you imply that Steve is bad news. So, I don't think it's necessary to say: "Steve is pure evil, but he's the only weapon Rout has that can defeat Vincent. And if Vincent can’t be controlled, he has to be destroyed."

Sorry! I suddenly have to go. But I'll be back to critique the rest.

[OneChoice1]

Together, Vincent, his creator, and a young couple who get pulled into the adventure flee to China to escape the Commander’s reach. That's where they meet the Tara-Chi, an ancient tribe of warrior monks sworn to protect the Field. Through the Tara-Chi, they learn that a hole has appeared in the Field's fabric. And if it isn't mended, it will mean the end life on earth.

This paragraph changed the whole story around. Is there a way to cut the paragraph down to the essentials, so you could add it (somehow) to the end of the previous paragraph? Of course the previous paragraph would need the same reworking, so it could all flow together.

[Shawnald]

Vincent is a super-being. A cactus that has been genetically engineered to absorb the power of Field energy. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is that he's tired of being trapped in the underground military lab where he's been kept since he was a seedling.

[Insert sound of screeching brakes here] So the protagonist is a cactus with super powers. Okay. At this point I jump straight to your sample pages, skipping the rest of the query entirely.

A cactus with super powers. This is either going to be awesome or it's going to be a train wreck, and I will know the answer as soon as I read the first paragraph. I really really reaaaaaally want this to be awesome.