Query Help: Death has a daughter

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candygirlraupp
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Query Help: Death has a daughter

Post by candygirlraupp » October 19th, 2013, 2:08 pm

Updated query below**



Dear Future Agent:

Cendall, the only female grim reaper ever born, has just finished training, turned sixteen, and been handed her scroll of human souls to collect. None of her training could have prepared her for the first soul on her list named Lacie though. She's protected by guardians, wanted by demons, and can do the impossible: she can see Cendall.

After accidentally saving the very first soul she's supposed to collect. Cendall finds herself stuck with the soul, Lacie and her bull headed guardian angel named Trevor. Someone she's trained her entire life to fight against

Due to the demon that is claiming Lacie’s soul the three of them are forced to work together. With the task of staying alive long enough for Cendall to not ruin her reputation and prove to her realm that a woman can handle being a grim reaper. As the consequence of failure would mean losing the job she’s been training for her entire life.

Death has a daughter is a young adult paranormal novel complete at 61,000 words. The full manuscript of Death has a Daughter is available upon request. As requested below are the first ten pages of my novel. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the opportunity of working with you.


Candice Burnett

cburnett1987@yahoo.com

Thank you for reading, and I would love to hear any feedback/suggestions. :)
Last edited by candygirlraupp on October 21st, 2013, 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

longknife
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Re: Query Help: Death has a daughter

Post by longknife » October 20th, 2013, 4:26 pm

The query seems dry and unappealing.

Not because the story is dull but because it is presented without snap and a hook.

"Who are you and what do you want of me?" are the first words Lacie says when Cendall reaches out to reap her soul.

The only female Grim Reaper ever leaps back in shock. How can the human see her?

Death Has a Daughter is a young adult paranormal novel complete at 61,000 words

[Now follow that up with a better synopsis of the story.

The agent/publisher already know the manuscipt is available or you wouldn't be making the query.

Shorten the thank you line and the bit about the first pages is okay.

This is the hardest part of writing, as Nathan can tell you. You are now a salesperson and have to show great enthusiasm in the product you are selling.

Good luck.
Drop by Father Serra's Legacy http://msgdaleday.blogspot.com. Comments always eagerly awaited - but only if you find the item interesting enough to respond to.

candygirlraupp
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Re: Query Help: Death has a daughter

Post by candygirlraupp » October 21st, 2013, 11:28 pm

Thank you for the feedback, here is my second attempt. :)




Dear Agent,

Ever wake up with a vague feeling of unease that you can’t quite put your finger on? When your inner voice is screaming at you to be careful, for something is lurking in the shadows, stalking you. Well that’s Cendall; tell your loved ones goodbye, she’s about to check you off her list.

There are many times in a human’s life that they're given warnings that signal their soul is in a vulerable state. It’s at these times that a battle is raging on between two forces that are invisible to the human eye. When the guardian angels side wins, you hear stories of humans escaping death. When Cendall’s side wins, there is no story to tell. Some call them the angels of death. She prefers reaper, but if you want to be technical you can throw the word grim in front of her name. Humans view them as the evil, but there are two sides to every story.

Cendall thought her biggest challenge was being the only female to ever finish training, and earn the title of grim reaper. Though nothing could have prepared her for the unique challenge of collecting Lacie’s soul. Her soul is protected by multiple guardians, wanted by demons, and she can do the impossible: see Cendall. It's a soul that screams, "extremely experienced reaper needed", but Cendall refuses to ask for help, afraid it would make her look unfit for the job. This ends up being the first mistake in a long list of reaper rules broken. That leaves Cendall blackmailed into working with her natural born enemy, to protect a soul that she’ll eventually need to check off her list.

DEATH HAS A DAUGHTER is young adult paranormal novel complete at 61,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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OneChoice1
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Re: Query Help: Death has a daughter

Post by OneChoice1 » December 16th, 2013, 3:03 pm

This sounds really interesting :D


candygirlraupp wrote:Thank you for the feedback, here is my second attempt. :)




Dear Agent,

Ever wake up with a vague feeling of unease that you can’t quite put your finger on? When your inner voice is screaming at you to be careful, for something is lurking in the shadows, stalking you. Well that’s Cendall; Tell your loved ones goodbye, Cendall’s about to checking you off her list.

That sentence grabbed my attention. Even if you don't take this suggestion, consider reworking the questions into strong statements. I've been told this myself :roll:


There are many times in a human’s life that they're given warnings that signal their soul is in a vulnerable state. It’s at these times that a battle is raging on between two forces that are invisible to the human eye. When the guardian angels side wins, you hear stories of humans escaping death. When Cendall’s side wins, there is no story to tell. Some call them the angels of death. She prefers reaper, but if you want to be technical you can throw the word grim in front of her name. Humans view them as the evil, but there are two sides to every story.

It seems like the purpose of this paragraph is to set me up for the real story (like it's background details). Consider omitting it.



The next paragraph is better, because it gets closer to the story. You could add more of Cendall's voice. I tried to edit the paragraph a bit.
Here's a rough example for the first sentence:
Kissing her new badge as a grim reaper, Cendall shoves it in her pants and lays out a strategy to collect a midget's soul [<--Like I said, this is just an example, not a suggestion. But try to describe the situation the way Cendall would. And you could describe Lacie in one word that'll get agents to stay hooked without feeling offended or turned off. (maybe not "midget," but something ;) ) ]

Cendall thought her biggest challenge was being the only female to ever finish training, and earn the title of grim reaper. Though nothing could have prepared her for the unique challenge of collecting Lacie’s soul. Her soul is protected by multiple guardians, wanted by demons, and she can do the impossible: see Cendall. She has a soul that screams. No wonder she has guardians and wanted demons circling around her. Extremely experienced reaper needed, but Cendall refuses to ask for help, afraid it would make her look unfit for the job. This ends up being the first mistake in a long list of reaper rules broken. That leaves That's mistake number one, and soon Cendall's blackmailed into working with her natural born enemy Lace's bull headed guardian to protect a soul thatshe’ll eventually need to check off her list.




DEATH HAS A DAUGHTER is young adult paranormal novel complete at 61,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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