Query - The Butterfly Key- revision now on page 6

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Tycoon
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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Tycoon » February 4th, 2010, 8:21 am

***********************************************************************************************************************


Thank you all for your comments... its been a grueling endeavor to try and perfect this query letter..

I look forward to your comments




Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns he is deploying for war. Regrettably, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting her know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him instead of having to face Abigail, his wife, and turn her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. Deciding against telling Abigail about his injury, even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves.

However, God believes otherwise and intervenes, sending two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to comfort Christian and help guide him back to Abigail as he struggles to find a quiet peace within his soul.

Making his way home to apologize to Abigail, Christian relearns that God has a plan in everything He does when he returns to not only his wife but also his unknown progeny.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
Last edited by Tycoon on February 4th, 2010, 4:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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christi
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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by christi » February 4th, 2010, 8:25 am

Wow. This is a huge improvement. I have nothing to add or suggest. I think you've summarized it very well.
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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by JustineDell » February 4th, 2010, 8:29 am

Nice rewrite!! I couldn't find a single thing wrong that I would change.

~JD

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Ghost in the Machine » February 4th, 2010, 12:12 pm

Hi Tycoon,

This latest version is powerful and the tone has a nice reverence that shows you can write to your audience. My suggestions below are just tweaks. Some of your sentences are a little too long for my taste, but I found no real errors.

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting family, he learns he is deploying for war. Regrettably, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting her know.

Comment: Isn’t it also a dream for Christian to have children?

Suggestion: Just as Christian Bryson and his wife Abagail are ready to fulfill their dream of starting a family, Christian is deployed for war. Sustaining a wound that renders him incapable of fathering children, Christian agonizes with the thought of letting Abagail know.


Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him instead of having to face Abigail, his wife, and turn her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. Deciding against telling Abigail about his injury, even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves.

Suggestion: Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes for death. Facing Abigail and destroying her dreams of motherhood is unbearable. Even her tearful pleas for him to come home can’t break his resolve. He can no longer be the husband she deserves.

However, God believes otherwise and intervenes, sending two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to comfort Christian and help guide him to Abigail as he struggles to find a quiet peace within his soul.

Making his way home to apologize to Abigail, Christian relearns that God has a plan in everything He does when he returns to not only his wife but also his unknown progeny.

Suggestion: God believes otherwise and intervenes. He sends two special travelers – one alive, one not – to comfort Christian and help guide him to Abigail as he struggles to find peace. Making his way home to apologize to Abigail, Christian relearns that God has a plan. Christian’s hard internal work will be rewarded in a surprising way—his unknown progeny.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

Ghost in the Machine

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Tycoon
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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Tycoon » February 4th, 2010, 2:24 pm

Awesome, 2 people who like it and 1 who likes it but suggests personal tweaks... Anyone else?

BTW, a thank you goes out to all who have assisted me... for sharing their knowledge and experience I cannot begin to express my gratitude...

I pledge to take all I have learned and try and pass it on to others.

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Seadhlinn » February 4th, 2010, 3:42 pm

its been a grueling endeavor to try and perfect this query letter..
It's almost harder to write the letter than the novel, I think!
Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns he is deploying for war.
I would say "is deployed for war", which covers both being informed of this and actually going.
Regrettably, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting her know.
I'd suggest "so" instead of "regrettably", because there is a clear cause-and-effect between his promise and his distress over being unable to fulfill it.
Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him instead of having to face Abigail, his wife, and turn her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. Deciding against telling Abigail about his injury, even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves.
For the second sentence, I'd suggest "He decides against telling Abigail about his injury, even though she pleads for him to come home, because he thinks he can no longer be the husband she deserves." Or something like that.
However, God believes otherwise and intervenes, sending two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to comfort Christian and help guide him to Abigail as he struggles to find a quiet peace within his soul.
Making his way home to apologize to Abigail, Christian relearns that God has a plan in everything He does when he returns to not only his wife but also his unknown progeny.
If the main conflict is around Christian's realization, the last sentence seems unnecessary.

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Tycoon
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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Tycoon » February 4th, 2010, 4:10 pm

Thanks for your comments

For anyone that suggests changing... he learns he is deploying for war. to... he is deployed for war

"Is deployed" flags "Passive voice" I don't want any passive voice in my query. If you can give me another suggestion I'm all ears... if not I have to keep it the way that it is.

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Yoshima » February 5th, 2010, 12:33 am

Just wanted to agree with Ghost and Seadhlinn's critiques. As for your question about "is deployed," I think either way is fine. But keep playing with it. Try to get that "is" out of there. Maybe "gets deployed." Do whatever you would have done in the novel, since your query should reflect your individual way of wording things; however, that's not to say that if you find a better way in the query you shouldn't incorporate your new skill in the book, too. :) Good luck with revisions!

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Tycoon » February 5th, 2010, 1:07 am

Yoshima wrote:Just wanted to agree with Ghost and Seadhlinn's critiques. As for your question about "is deployed," I think either way is fine. But keep playing with it. Try to get that "is" out of there. Maybe "gets deployed." Do whatever you would have done in the novel, since your query should reflect your individual way of wording things; however, that's not to say that if you find a better way in the query you shouldn't incorporate your new skill in the book, too. :) Good luck with revisions!
How about this........ He learns of his (imminent, upcoming, immediate) deployment (to, for) war.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Dreading the idea of faceing Abigail, his wife, for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare, Christian decides against telling her about his injury. As she tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that Abigail deserves.

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by TheShadow » February 5th, 2010, 1:30 am

Hi, Tycoon. I've been trying to stay away from the queries which already have a lot of comments, as to not add so many (confusing) opinions to the mix, but you commented in mine which I thank you for. It seems, from what I've read, that your query has come a long way. I really like it.
Tycoon wrote:***********************************************************************************************************************


Thank you all for your comments... its been a grueling endeavor to try and perfect this query letter..

I look forward to your comments




Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns he is deploying for war. Regrettably, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting her know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him instead of having to face Abigail, his wife, and turn her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. Deciding against telling Abigail about his injury, even as she tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves.

However, God believes otherwise and intervenes, sending two special travelers – one alive and the other not – to comfort Christian and help guide him back to Abigail as he struggles to find a quiet peace within his soul. Personally, I want to know more about this part. This is the part of the query which really cuaght my eye. I know space is limited, and for an agent this may be the *I want to read more about this* hook, but it was almost disapointing that I know nothing else of these special travelers.

Making his way home to apologize to Abigail, Christian relearns that God has a plan in everything He does when he returns to not only his wife but also his unknown progeny.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
Honestly, I don't see anything that really needs to be changed. It's well written and flows smoothly. As I said I wanted to know more when the special travelers are mentioned, they intruiged me (who are they, what do they say/do to Christian?) But that's probably a good thing for your query.

Good luck.
What dark dreams lay in dormant minds?

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Tycoon » February 5th, 2010, 10:19 am

I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version.

So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!!

Thank you all for your help, patience and wisdom!


scroll further down for re-edit

Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Instead, he must confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.

With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
Last edited by Tycoon on February 5th, 2010, 6:57 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by TheShadow » February 5th, 2010, 12:33 pm

Very well done. I have only a few small things to point out, otherwise I think its very good.
Tycoon wrote:I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version.

So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!!

Thank you all for your help, patience and wisdom!


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering childrenseems a comma should go here he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes he could court deathThis makes it sound as if he wants to commit suicide, whereas in the other version it sounded as if he wishes he had died instead of facing his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise[,] however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.

With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
I liked all of the extra touches you put into it. If this is your final draft, I wish you luck.
What dark dreams lay in dormant minds?

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Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision(I pray) ON PAGE 3

Post by JustineDell » February 5th, 2010, 12:42 pm

I officially would make no changes to this. I think you have cleaned it up very nicely!! Good Luck!!

~JD

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"Three things in life that, once gone, never return; Time, Words, & Opportunity"

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Tycoon
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Re: Query -- The Butterfly Key -- Complete revision ON PAGE 2

Post by Tycoon » February 5th, 2010, 1:11 pm

TheShadow wrote:Very well done. I have only a few small things to point out, otherwise I think its very good.
Tycoon wrote:I'm hoping to tighten the screws even more on my query, I present to you what I hope is my final version.

So if you all give me your 2 cents worth, Ill make sure to give you change in return!!!

Thank you all for your help, patience and wisdom!


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war. Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering childrenseems a comma should go here he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes he could court deathThis makes it sound as if he wants to commit suicide, whereas in the other version it sounded as if he wishes he had died instead of facing his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise[,] however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul.

With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners, Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does.

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,
I liked all of the extra touches you put into it. If this is your final draft, I wish you luck.
Dang it shadow your right about how the line reads like suicide... I dont want that!!!

Ill go with that paragraph like this...


Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen him. Instead, he must now confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare.

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Re: Query - The Butterfly Key- Final revision(I pray) ON PAGE 3

Post by Yoshima » February 5th, 2010, 6:32 pm

Hey Tycoon! Just a few quick thoughts!


Dear Agent,

Shortly after Christian Bryson promises to fulfill his wife’s dream of starting a family, he learns his Army Reserve unit is deploying for war (Much better!). Later, when he sustains a wound in battle that renders him incapable of fathering children (comma?) he wrestles with the thought of letting Abigail, his wife, know.

Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes he could court death instead of facing his wife (eep, definitely sounds like suicide, like Shadow said.). Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. (Great, great revision!)

While Abigail tearfully pleads for him to come home, Christian resolves he can no longer be the husband that she deserves. God believes otherwise (comma) however, and intervenes by sending forth two special travelers – one alive, the other not – to help Christian allay the anguish buried deep within his soul. (Hate to say it, but "anguish buried deep within his soul" sounds a little melodramatic to me. That might just be me, though, so feel free to ignore. Maybe just stop at "anguish"?)

With the guidance and love of God’s sojourners (cool word :) ), Christian realizes he needs to return home and apologize to Abigail. Upon his homecoming, he is ecstatic to find not only his wife but also his unknown progeny awaiting him. Thus, (cut thus? felt too much like the ending of a fable (not in the good way) to me) Christian relearns a valuable lesson: God always has a plan in everything He does. (great ending!)

THE BUTTERFLY KEY is a 72,000-word work of Christian fiction. A completed manuscript is available upon your request. I look forward to working with you.

Regards,

I think you've got it, sir! :)

One more thing...

Dang it shadow your right about how the line reads like suicide... I dont want that!!!

Ill go with that paragraph like this...


Blaming his calamity on the so-called providence of God, and haunted by a promise he can no longer keep, Christian wishes death would have stolen (taken) him. Instead, he must now confront his fears and face his wife. Dreading the idea of breaking his promise to her, Christian decides against telling Abigail about his injury for fear of turning her dreams of motherhood into a nightmare. (I like the paragraph above better, to tell you the truth. Just a simple switch of phrase about the death thing will be good, me thinks.)

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