SHYNN & THE ELEMENTS: CHARGING THE KIRIN (YA Epic Fantasy)

[Aviv Shvitzky]

I know that getting a critique is more likely to happen if you were on the forum for some time, and helped somebody else, but as i'm from Israel, my English is at a level not suited for that . The book is translated, but the query, until i know it is the final version, is written by me. so if you see a big mistake at it's writing, that is why!
to not waste your time, i'l say this is a query i worked months on, and if no comment will be, i'l send it to agents o:
Enjoy reading!
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If fourteen-year-old Shynn won't magically find a source of money, his old parents will crush under the late taxes; will be expelled from the kingdom, penniless, for being "unproductive."

As he thought that nothing will be able to save his family, Shynn discovers about the king's secret treasury, lies in a distanced land of Cloudia. Packed with the ability to push and pull the air with his bare hands, he takes upon himself the mission to find the treasury.

Things didn't start on the right foot for him, being chased by a blade-teethed rabbit, and have his backpack stolen by a flying toad; but he always manage to protect himself with his powers. That is until he tries to defend a criminal he believes innocence, becomes a wanted man.

Captured and sentenced for life in the reserved prison in the country, Shynn meets Clinns, the former right-hand man of the king. Clinns tells him about a plot of revenge against the superpower Cloudia was battling a few years ago. A dangerous plot that can actually turn out to destroy Cloudia itself!

Clinns offers Shynn to join together to escape the prison, each for his own goals. If they succeed, Shynn might be able to flee with parts of the treasury, if found. But he will have to ignore the big mass that's about to rave, not to help Clinns to save the country. Or else, he will get in much more trouble than he can possibly handle.

SHYNN & THE ELEMENTS: CHARGING THE KIRIN, complete at 110,000 words, is an YA epic fantasy story with series
potential.

[whitehawk]

Hi Aviv Shvitzky,
I like the premises of this book and I'm going to suggest you read these two blog posts:

http://queryshark.blogspot.com/

Janet is awesome, it's taken me a few weeks to read all of the posts, as she recommends to do, but I have found this so helpful in writing a query.

Also I really like this site, to gather insight in what Agents are looking for and what they are NOT looking for.

http://www.jmtohline.com/2010/12/bigges ... -when.html

Good luck!

[Aviv Shvitzky]

After many weeks of work, and having the obstacle of me writing in Hebrew and having all my work translated(Including the query, which makes it harder to make)
I came down to this version which I will start sending to agents.
It's really important for me to know what do you think about it, and if this type of writing can be forgiven(as it's not 100% query-like).
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Dear Ms. xxx,

If fourteen year old Shynn doesn’t magically find a source of money, his elderly parents will be crushed under the latest royal taxes and will be expelled from the kingdom, penniless, for being "unproductive."

Just when he was sure nothing could save his family, a mistaken invitation to a palace party leads Shynn to discovering about the king's secret treasury, vaulted in the distant land of Cloudia. Relying only on his ability to manipulate air with his bare hands, he takes upon himself a mission: to find the treasury.

Things don’t start off on the right foot for him: he’s chased by a blade-toothed rabbit, then his backpack is snatched up by a flying toad; but he always manages to protect himself through his power... That is, until he tries to defend an accused young man he believes innocent, and finds he’s become the wanted criminal.

Captured and sentenced to life in the harshest prison in Cloudia, Shynn meets Clinns, the king’s former right-hand man. Clinns tells him about a plot to take revenge against the superpower that had battled Cloudia a few years earlier, a plot so dangerous it could wipe out Cloudia itself!

Clinns invites Shynn to join him and together, escape the prison, each for his own goals. If their escape succeeds, Shynn might be able to find the treasure and flee back home. That means staying focused on his own goals instead of joining the great battle to save Cloudia that Clinns will lead, or else, he will get into much more trouble than he can possibly handle.

SHYNN & THE ELEMENTS: CHARGING THE KIRIN, complete at 110,000 words, is a YA epic fantasy story with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Aviv Shvitzky