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Looking for feedback on my query letter.

Posted: July 27th, 2013, 12:55 pm
by Kristina
Dear (Super Powerful Literary Agent Dude),

I am excited to be submitting my autobiography to you because it is similar to (Mr. So and So’s LIFE STORY).
Since you represented this autobiography, I am hoping you will love my book, entitled MY STORY WITH COMPLETE HONESTY.

My family has always had an over-sized closet of well protected skeletons. Well, until now,
because I’m blowing those doors wide open. My autobiography is 80,000 words of complete
and brutal honesty. This is more than just an account of the things my eyes have shown me.
Every last tumble and every last triumph; they are all exposed to you. I have taken the time
to really reflect on the hardships in my life, the emotional journey and yes, my own flaws.

I was born into extreme poverty as the forgotten daughter of an abusive, alcoholic father.
My mother had abandoned my older brother and me in our earlier years of destitute for a world
of uninhabited sex and drugs. We were eventually saved by religious extremist who were just as
equally deprived; but as their penitence to God. Then through a small twist of fate; my brother
(Leonard) and I went from poverty to luxury overnight. Our mother returned to us; in the arms
of a wealthy man. She plucked us out of a holler in West Virginia and plopped us down in an
apartment in Chicago. We were introduced to our new workaholic father and our younger brother
whom had been born a year earlier. Our whole lives changed in an instant, but I soon discovered
that life was no less complicated on the other side of the tracks. I made my first friend, a girl named
Sara. We shared everything with each other. When I was with her I could feel comfortable with myself
in a way I had never before. We were the best of friends, until she confessed that she was gay and in
love for me. With her unwilling to settle for friendship and my inability to come to grips with my sexuality;
our friendship disintegrated. Amongst trips to Europe and an array of new houses; I became bulimic and
Leonard became addicted to drugs. It was his only way to cope with being molested by our catholic priest.
He got kicked out and disowned, whereas I chose to leave for myself. I was young, I was in love (with a boy
named Robert) and I didn't want to live in a house of mirrors anymore. So, that’s what I did. Unsure of
ourselves or how we were going to survive this world, Robert and I got married and began our modest but
honest lives. I started going to college while working at a factory. Robert and I had three sons. That was our
lives; small, simple but with promise and slow progress. That is until the whole world caved in on me. My two
year old son was diagnosed with Leukemia. I cannot express to you in this small query letter just how
devastating this was. I was thoroughly broken. Just two months after his diagnosis, my brother Leonard
came to me because he was running from the cops. I made the very emotional choice to turn my brother
over to the police. (And inhale)

I have worked hard to accomplish the dexterity to be honest with myself and about my life. The ability to look at my world and improve upon
my own flaws has helped me to find inner peace even though there is obviously much that I cannot control outside of myself. I have included a small
excerpt from my novel and I hope to have the ability to share the full journey with you.

Thank You,

Re: Looking for feedback on my query letter.

Posted: July 30th, 2013, 5:17 am
by Robin Murarka
Hi Kristina,

One comment I can say off the bat is that I think you are using semi-colons too much.
Then through a small twist of fate; my brother
(Leonard) and I went from poverty to luxury overnight. Our mother returned to us; in the arms
of a wealthy man.
For example. I've read that when it comes to queries, it's hard enough to get attention, but if your query has questionable punctuation or spelling it makes it even harder.

Your story does sound interesting though. If it was written in a manner that made it interesting and dramatic I think I could read it.

Re: Looking for feedback on my query letter.

Posted: July 30th, 2013, 6:12 am
by Kristina
OK, Thanks Robin. I know I have a tendency to use WAY to many semi-colons. It's definitely my Achilles' heel. I often don't even realize when they are taking over. I appreciate you taking the time leave feedback;;; ;)

Re: Looking for feedback on my query letter.

Posted: August 9th, 2013, 11:13 pm
by Skyless16
Kristina, this letter is impossible to read. You should separate the huge blocks of text into shorter paragraphs. That was it's muuuch easier to read that way. Also, this really isn't a query letter. It's a brief synopsis. You should do a little more research on how to write and format a query letter.

It seems like you've had a difficult life. I think this story deserves to be told, but your problem doesn't only lie in semi-colons. Good luck! If you'd like any help at all, feel free to pm me.