Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

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itobias
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Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

Post by itobias » April 2nd, 2013, 1:56 pm

In 1665 London, Brimley Tinderbuss writes sharp criticisms of King Charles II's tax-heavy reign. His treasonous words earn him popularity and a possible date with the hangman, but no financial reward. Despite this, he remains optimistic and continues to write scathing reviews of the King's edicts.

When the King’s men catch him posting another opinion, he manages to hide his identity and then escapes. The next day, with questionable luck, he assumes the role of a tutor…a tutor in the Royal Bastard Society, which educates the King's twelve illegitimate children.

As a fugitive working under the nose of the King and bedding the ladies of the court, Brimley lives a life filled with plenty of heat, which the Great Fire of London turns into an inferno. He rescues the King’s bastards and becomes a hero, but he has slipped from the frying pan into the fire?

THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDERBUSS is a work of historical fiction, complete at 80,400 words.

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Tom Mullin
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Re: Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

Post by Tom Mullin » April 3rd, 2013, 3:12 am

My main problem with this query is that it's too vague.

I don't get the conflict for Brimley once he becomes a tutor other than he has to keep his past opinions and identity hidden. Plus it seems that once he gets an 'in' to the high life, his treasonous criticisms no longer apply ('bedding the ladies' and etc.).

What does he rescue the King's bastards from? Give us those details and it might become clear.

PerryStroika
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Re: Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

Post by PerryStroika » April 21st, 2013, 11:06 pm

itobias wrote:In 1665 London, Brimley Tinderbuss writes sharp criticisms of King Charles II's tax-heavy reign.


My first reaction to this is to wonder what "write" means. Does he write for a paper? Or write letters or what? Who does he write for? Eventually in the second paragraph, you let it drop that he posts his opinions, but you need to give that information in the first sentence. So perhaps this would be better: "In 1665 England, Brimly Tinderbruss loves nothing better than posting his sharp criticisms of King Charles II's tax heavy reign to the delight and amusement of the London crowds."
His treasonous words earn him popularity and a possible date with the hangman, but no financial reward. Despite this, he remains optimistic and continues to write scathing reviews of the King's edicts.
Note that the second sentence here is repetitive of the beginning of the query. Perhaps you could rephrase it in a way that gives us a different perspective on what Brimley is doing; like, "he continues to thumb his nose at the King's authority" or something like that.
When the King’s men catch him posting another opinion, he manages to hide his identity and then escapes. The next day, with questionable luck, he assumes the role of a tutor…a tutor in the Royal Bastard Society, which educates the King's twelve illegitimate children.
I don't see the point of repeating the word "tutor". If you rewrote it as "a tutor of the Royal Bastard Society, educating the King's twelve illegitmate children" it would eliminate a word.
As a fugitive working under the nose of the King and bedding the ladies of the court, Brimley lives a life filled with plenty of heat, which the Great Fire of London turns into an inferno. He rescues the King’s bastards and becomes a hero, but he has slipped from the frying pan into the fire?
This play on "heat" from bedding the ladies of court and the London fire is a bit labored. Perhaps you should try referring to "heat" as in "with the Royal constables threatening to discover his true identity the heat is really coming down on Brimley, both figuratively and literally as just then the Great Fire of London turns the city into an inferno" would work better.
THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDERBUSS is a work of historical fiction, complete at 80,400 words.
This is the part of your query when you should bringin comparisons with other books. "The great Turbulence and Malconent of Brimley Tinderbuss, complete at 80,400 words, is a work of historical fiction in the vein of [blank] and [blank].

Skyless16
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Re: Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

Post by Skyless16 » April 29th, 2013, 1:26 pm

itobias wrote:In 1665 London, Brimley Tinderbuss writes sharp criticisms of King Charles II's tax-heavy reign. His treasonous words earn him popularity and a possible date with the hangman, but no financial reward. Despite this, he remains optimistic and continues to write scathing reviews of the King's edicts.

I agree with the second comment on this one. How is he writing these criticisms? In a newspaper? Who is he writing them to? Popularity with who? Also, I don't know about the word 'optimistic' I feel like that's not the right word choice. But that's just a matter of opinion.

When the King’s men catch him posting another opinion, he manages to hide his identity [how?]and then escapes. The next day, with questionable luck, he assumes the role of a tutor [how?]…a tutor in the Royal Bastard Society, which educates the King's twelve illegitimate children.

Again, the word choice her 'questionable' isn't working for me. Was the luck he had not actually luck? Or was it unlikely? Are you saying 'luck' sarcastically? Because then it would make sense.

As a fugitive working under the nose of the King and bedding [Ok, this word choice isn't bad, but is there a better one? Bedding just doesn't sound right.] the ladies of the court, Brimley lives a life filled with plenty of heat, which the Great Fire of London turns into an inferno. [I really like the comparison here.] He rescues the King’s bastards and becomes a hero, but he has [you mean "has he"] slipped from the frying pan into the fire?

How does rescuing the King's bastards put him in the fire? I don't understand the connection and that's not good. It's good to leave the agent wanting to know more, but you don't want to confuse them at the end. Understanding why our protagonist is in trouble is important. The dramatic question that we want to know is "What does he do about it?" And you don't tell us that. That leaves us wanting to know more.


THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDERBUSS is a work of historical fiction, complete at 80,400 words.
Great job! With a little work, this query will be awesome! I really like the story by the way. Good luck!

spauff
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Re: Query: THE GREAT TURBULENCE AND MALCONTENT OF BRIMLEY TINDER

Post by spauff » July 3rd, 2013, 2:38 pm

I really like your story -- great voice -- and I love historical fiction, so this sounds like something I would definitely read.

A few things to improve:

-- I agree with the above comments about Tinderbus's writing -- who is he writing them for? A newspaper? Explain. Also what is he optimistic about? It seems to me he's more defiant than optimistic. You might give a few more clues to his character and possibly even cut the sentence that begins "Despite this.." as it's kind of repetitive.

--I was a little confused as to how he goes from hiding his identity to becoming a tutor for the king's children. Does he actively seek out the job as a way of defying the king? Or does he just find himself looking for work and take the job before he realizes how close it would put him to the king and his family? The phrase "with questionable luck" suggests the latter, but it's vague. You could be a little more specific.

-- The phrase …"Which the Great Fire of London turns into an inferno" sounds good, but's vague. The last graph is a bit confusing. I sort of get that the conflict escalates after he saves the king's children during the Great Fire, but I had to read it more than once to figure this out. You could say something like, "When he rescues the King's bastards from the fire, Tinderbus becomes something he's never been before -- a hero. Too bad it might just be his undoing."

I think you've got a really good start. Hope this helps.

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