YA Query

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geogstacey
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YA Query

Post by geogstacey » February 14th, 2013, 2:47 pm

After she is attacked by fallen angels, Ava Monroe—a seventeen-year-old with a weakness for grilled cheeses and all things Jane Austen– must learn how to wield the power of her bloodline or risk being caught and tormented into opening the gates of hell.

St. Agnes is a ritzy private school for the teenagers of Hanover, New Hampshire. It’s where Ava and her best friend Erica have decided to start their new lives after being granted emancipation. It’s difficult being your own boss—especially when it comes with a full time job, bills, and homework. But, it’s not nearly as deadly as being the Key to Eden, the only person who can unlock the power of heaven and unleash paradise on earth. It also grants Ava the ability to unleash demons by opening hell’s gates. When Ava stumbles into her role as Key, she learns that fallen angels will stop at nothing to acquire her. For her safety, she must be put under the protection of Heaven’s guardians.

The Guardians are a four-man team hired to protect the key, and have a single goal: ready her for the journey to open Eden. Yet, what began as a rough road to teaching a stubborn girl becomes an easier path when Ethan, Ava’s guardian angel, takes a first-hand interests in her training and personal life as he agrees to be her date to prom. What’s anticipated to be a night to remember becomes a catastrophe when the fallen angels, disguised as high schoolers--crash the prom and kidnap Ava’s best friend Erica as bait. Now, Ava will do anything to get her best friend back. Even if that means surrendering herself to the fallen’s wrath.

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klbritt
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Re: YA Query

Post by klbritt » February 14th, 2013, 8:52 pm

You've been working on your query - good job! My main concern right now with what you have written is that there is so much information you're dumping on us. Comments are in blue, etc.

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After she is attacked by fallen angels, Ava Monroe—a seventeen-year-old with a weakness for grilled cheeses and all things Jane Austen [How are these related to the plot? I get that it's catchy, but not really the right way in a query]– must learn how to wield the power of her bloodline [what bloodline? I'd like to know more about this - maybe she hates her bloodline and has rebelled all her life???] or risk being caught [by who?] and tormented [how so?]into opening the gates of hell [why?].

St. Agnes is a ritzy private school for the teenagers of Hanover, New Hampshire. It’s where Ava and her best friend Erica have decided to start their new lives after being granted emancipation [where are their parents? why would they choose to go there?]. It’s difficult being your own boss—especially when it comes with a full time job, bills, and homework. But, it’s not nearly as deadly as being the Key to Eden, the only person who can unlock the power of heaven and unleash paradise on earth [this is good info - I think you've added that from your original query, which is good because it explains Eden more clearly]. It also grants Ava the ability to unleash demons by opening hell’s gates [good alternative to the positive, but it's lacking conviction. why is this important or not good?]. When Ava stumbles into her role as the Key, she learns that fallen angels will stop at nothing to acquire her. For her safety, she must be put under the protection of Heaven’s guardians. I think you could say this better in the next paragraph - by not just coming out and telling us.

The Guardians [here's where you can say: who are sent to protect Ava - or something like that] are a four-man team hired to protect the key, and have a single goal: ready her for the journey to open Eden [why do they want her to open Eden? It's not open now, what's the rush?]. Yet, what began as a rough road to teaching a stubborn girl becomes an easier path when Ethan, Ava’s guardian angel, takes a first-hand interests in her training and personal life as he agrees to be her date to prom [holy run-on sentence Batman. I'd show us how Ava is being stubborn rather than tell and then transition into Ethan agreeing to go to prom with her - for her protection of course. If there is a love interest here, what you've written doesn't really give us any hint of one.]. What’s anticipated [who's anticipated it? Ava?] to be a night to remember becomes a catastrophe when the fallen angels, disguised as high schoolers--crash the prom and kidnap Ava’s best friend Erica as bait. Now, Ava will do anything to get her best friend back. Even if that means surrendering herself to the fallen’s wrath.

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Okay, overall, I think the query is stronger in that it makes me more curious about the story. There are a few things still to tighten up, but you're doing well.
~Kristie

-: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read - Groucho Marx :-

http://www.BKRivers.blogspot.com

COFFEE@3AM
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Re: YA Query

Post by COFFEE@3AM » March 29th, 2013, 12:50 am

I am no expert there are just some thoughts that KI had after reading your query.

After she is attacked by fallen angels, Ava Monroe—a seventeen-year-old with a weakness for grilled cheeses and all things Jane Austen– must learn how to wield the power of her bloodline or risk being caught and tormented into opening the gates of hell. (This is a good hook it just needs some cleaning up. I would take out the parts about Jane Austen and grilled cheese. I'd also like to know what her bloodline power is and why and who would catch her. This last part of your hook just leaves me with a lot of questions.)

St. Agnes is a ritzy private school for the teenagers of Hanover, New Hampshire. It’s where Ava and her best friend Erica have decided to start their new lives after being granted emancipation.(Why were her and her friend emancipated?) It’s difficult being your own boss—especially when it comes with a full time job, bills, and homework. But, it’s not nearly as deadly as being the Key to Eden, the only person who can unlock the power of heaven and unleash paradise on earth. It also grants Ava the ability to unleash demons by opening hell’s gates. When Ava stumbles(This confuses me, does she not already know the is the key because this part" When Ave stumbles into her role as the key" into her role as Key, she learns that fallen angels will stop at nothing to acquire her. For her safety, she must be put under the protection of Heaven’s guardians.okay so how does she get pit under the guardians protection? Does she know them?)

The Guardians are a four-man team hired(Hired by who?) to protect the key, and have a single goal: ready her for the journey to open Eden. Yet, what began as a rough road to teaching a stubborn girl becomes an easier path when Ethan, Ava’s guardian angel, takes a first-hand interests in her training and personal life as he agrees to be her date to prom. What’s anticipated to be a night to remember becomes a catastrophe when the fallen angels, disguised as high schoolers--crash the prom and kidnap Ava’s best friend Erica as bait. Now, Ava will do anything to get her best friend back. Even if that means surrendering herself to the fallen’s wrath.

Your query is very good. Your book sounds amazing and eerily similar to the project I just finished. I would totally read this.
Good luck

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