query for a thriller

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boatbuilder
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Joined: February 13th, 2013, 12:16 pm
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query for a thriller

Post by boatbuilder » February 13th, 2013, 12:20 pm

I wish to thank you all in advance. I just found this site and will attempt to visit it on a regular basis.

QUERY FOR ST. JOHNS

Justin Thomas had recently started an environmental company. With two new contracts up near Putnam County he packed up his boat and newest employee to start on them. One job was for an algae problem on the St. Johns River and the other was a pre-demolition pollutant survey for an abandoned facility. Something unsavory was cooking in bucolic Putnam County though.

On the first day Justin pulled a body out of the river. His employee found news articles of three others while researching in the library. The second day at the old facility his employee goes missing. With her recovery comes even more unsettling discoveries. Justin believes the semi-heroic former Sheriff is the villain but he is a friend of many local cops. A Florida Department of Law Enforcement Agent has faith in Justin and finds many things out about the former Sheriff except why he is hanging around. The reason he is hanging around turns out to a dirty bomb he built in that abandoned facility. The pot boils over when terrorists show up to collect the bomb.

ST. JOHNS is a completed 68000 word mystery/thriller.

Thank you for you time and consideration

writerly_black_cat
Posts: 7
Joined: February 5th, 2013, 12:43 pm
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Re: query for a thriller

Post by writerly_black_cat » February 13th, 2013, 4:44 pm

Hello! My notes are in blue. Cuts are red.

QUERY FOR ST. JOHNS

Justin Thomas had recently started an environmental company. With two new contracts up near Putnam County he packed up his boat and newest employee to start on them. One job was for an algae problem on the St. Johns River and the other was a pre-demolition pollutant survey for an abandoned facility. Something unsavory was cooking in bucolic Putnam County though.Okay, we want to be in present time for the query. Also, it sounds like he packed up his boat AND his employee, like literally packed him, in the second sentence. Switch "was" to "is"...we haven't experienced the novel yet so it's present time for us. Something unsavory IS cooking...present tense builds tension.

On the first day Justin pulled a body out of the river. His employee found news articles of three others while researching in the library. The second day at the old facility his employee goes missing. With her recovery comes even more unsettling discoveries. Justin believes the semi-heroic former Sheriff is the villain but he is a friend of many local cops. A Florida Department of Law Enforcement Agent has faith in Justin and finds many things out about the former Sheriff except why he is hanging around. The reason he is hanging around turns out to a dirty bomb he built in that abandoned facility. The pot boils over when terrorists show up to collect the bomb.You should name the employee in the query. Also, make this paragraph present tense as well. A bit redundant saying "former Sheriff" twice, the second time you can just say "Sheriff." And oh man, a "Florida Department of Law Enforcement Agent" should be changed to "Agent -insert name here-"

Overall, I would put everything in present tense and include more specifics, like the first names of the characters, and a couple of these unsettling discoveries that lead to this bomb.

boatbuilder
Posts: 12
Joined: February 13th, 2013, 12:16 pm
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Re: query for a thriller

Post by boatbuilder » February 13th, 2013, 6:48 pm

Wow, I was strting to think it would be much harder. Thank you very much

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