YA QUERY REVISED...

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LaurenNTaylor
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Joined: July 17th, 2012, 10:01 pm
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YA QUERY REVISED...

Post by LaurenNTaylor » February 10th, 2013, 4:47 pm

Dear....

Rosa never thought she’d make it to sixteen.

In a world where everyone follows the rules or is punished harshly, Rosa is a beacon of mischief and individuality.

In preserved Russia, the Woodlands rose from the ashes of a bitter race war that decimated the rest of the planet. Two hundred years later, the self-proclaimed Superiors who control the concrete compounds where Rosa lives are obsessed with creating a ‘raceless’ race, convinced this is the only way to avoid another war. Culling troublemakers and using them in a breeding program, they should have lifted the scythe when it passed over Rosa’s head.

Lying in a bed, pregnant with no idea how she got that way, Rosa’s only comfort is the fact that she vomited on the creepy doctor’s pants. Her situation seems hopeless, miles underground and guarded closely she plots for an escape that won’t happen. But she doesn’t know Joseph’s out there, searching for her. And his love combined with her stubbornness will get her out.

The reasons behind her escape are not simple but her swollen belly holds some of the answers. A baby she despises, is a baby Joseph wants her to keep.

But questions are beaten into the ground with every desperate footstep. They have to run and they have to rely on each other. The Superiors want their property back and Rosa’s only hope is to make it to the Mongolian border before the jagged ice-teeth of a Russian winter devours them.

The Woodlands is my complete young adult novel of 92, 000 words etc etc

COFFEE@3AM
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Joined: March 28th, 2013, 11:20 pm
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Re: YA QUERY REVISED...

Post by COFFEE@3AM » March 29th, 2013, 8:48 am

I am no expert, these are just my thoughts. Please take or leave any of my suggestions.
Dear....

Rosa never thought she’d make it to sixteen.(I think I see what you are trying to do here, grab the reader's attention, but it doesn't really go with the rest of the query. Why doesn't she think she will make it to sixteen? This isn't really explained well below.)

In a world where everyone follows the rules or is punished harshly,(Punished how, by who?) Rosa is a beacon of mischief and individuality.

In preserved Russia, the Woodlands rose from the ashes of a bitter race war that decimated the rest of the planet. Two hundred years later, the self-proclaimed Superiors who control the concrete compounds where Rosa lives are obsessed with creating a ‘raceless’ race, convinced this is the only way to avoid another war. Culling troublemakers and using them in a breeding program, they should have lifted the scythe when it passed over Rosa’s head.(Here, is this culling some kind of line up where they pick out the troublemakers in their society and kill them? This needs to be explained more.)

Lying in a bed, pregnant with no idea how she got that way, Rosa’s only comfort is the fact that she vomited on the creepy doctor’s pants.(Why does this comfort her? She is still stuck, pregnant, in a bed with no idea how she got that way. I would consider revising this.) Her situation seems hopeless, miles underground and guarded closely she plots for an escape that won’t happen.(Why won't her plotted escape happen?) Do her guards foil her plans or is she no brave enough to act on her plans?) But she doesn’t know Joseph’s out there, searching for her. And his love combined with her stubbornness will get her out.(Okay, who is Joseph? Is he someone she knew and loved before she was captured? Who Joseph is and his relationship with Rosa needs to be explained.)

The reasons behind her escape are not simple but her swollen belly holds some of the answers. A baby she despises, is a baby Joseph wants her to keep.(Okay, this sentence needs to be revised especially the part when you say, "The reasons behind her escape are not simple," Of course her reasons for escape are simple, who wants to be held prisoner underground while they are pregnant. I like the whole, "her swollen belly holds some of the answers," thing but her belly should hold more answers than why she would want to escape. share that with us.)

But questions are beaten into the ground with every desperate footstep.(What sort of questions could their escape bring up?) They have to run and they have to rely on each other.( Here, again I am confused to weather or not your MC and Joseph knew each other before he rescued her.) The Superiors want their property back and Rosa’s only hope is to make it to the Mongolian (Why are they so desperate to make to the Mongolian border? I thought the rest of the world was destroyed. I think what waits for them once they reach the border should be explained.)border before the jagged ice-teeth of a Russian winter devours them.

The Woodlands is my complete young adult novel of 92, 000 words etc etc

Your project sounds very interesting your query just needs more polishing.
Good luck!!

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