V.O.I.C.E. query- YA Romance

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
RebeccaSauve
Posts: 10
Joined: September 27th, 2010, 8:25 pm
Contact:

V.O.I.C.E. query- YA Romance

Post by RebeccaSauve » December 23rd, 2012, 5:53 pm

Dear (agent)

Kildare Academy’s VOICE program just got a lot more interesting. When Evalyn meets Carter she didn't realise how much he would change her life. By the time Evalyn realises she is in love with Carter he is one step away from being her step brother.

Then Carter drops the cursed L-bomb on her, what else could go wrong? She doesn't love the guy she is dating, she loves her almost step brother, who loves her but is dating somebody else! Seems like a few hearts will be broken in this love square, but whose?

My name is Rebecca Sauve and I am seeking representation for my Young Adult Romance novel V.O.I.C.E which is complete at over 50 000. In this novel you will find a romance that crosses lines and defies all odds, you follow the struggle of two teens who love eachother but can't and their inner fight to give up on their love.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts!

Sinceraly,

Rebecca Sauve
(email)
(phone)

Mark.W.Carson
Posts: 233
Joined: December 15th, 2011, 9:20 am
Location: Northeastern US
Contact:

Re: V.O.I.C.E. query- YA Romance

Post by Mark.W.Carson » December 23rd, 2012, 7:44 pm

Hi,

Thanks for being one of the foolish/brave.

FYI, your second sentence has a tense conflict, might want to fix that.

One other thing I noticed is that by the second paragraph, I still have no idea what the book/conflict is about. It seems a little scattered, and you should consider tightening this up to the central conflict or a couple if they are equally important. (things like L-Bomb? love? because he could be a hidden lesbian, so we need to know).

Also, I would not start with the Kildare academy part, because it seems slapped on, and I don't know why that would be important to this query. You have a lot of color in what is being said, but direction is lacking, so that would be my central focus for you to make this query better.

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: V.O.I.C.E. query- YA Romance

Post by wilderness » December 26th, 2012, 8:23 pm

RebeccaSauve wrote:Dear (agent)

Kildare Academy’s VOICE program just got a lot more interesting. What is the VOICE program? Why is it called VOICE? When Evalyn meets Carter she didn't realise how much he would change her life. By the time Evalyn realises she is in love with Carter he is one step away from being her step brother. Okay, that's a hook.

Then Carter drops the cursed L-bomb on her, what else could go wrong? She doesn't love the guy she is dating, she loves her almost step brother, who loves her but is dating somebody else! Seems like a few hearts will be broken in this love square, but whose?

I think this needs more detail. How did she meet Carter, and why does she feel attracted to him? Also, I'm not sure that a step-brother romance is all that forbidden (I mean it's not real incest), so maybe explain why it can't work? I'd also like to know more about them as characters. Why do I care about their dilemma? Hope that helps.

My name is Rebecca Sauve and I am seeking representation for my Young Adult Romance novel V.O.I.C.E which is complete atover 50 00050,000 words.In this novel you will find a romance that crosses lines and defies all odds, you follow the struggle of two teens who love eachother but can't and their inner fight to give up on their love.
Thank you for your time and careful considerationon behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts! Not sure about the cutesy line.

Sinceraly,

Rebecca Sauve
(email)
(phone)

RebeccaSauve
Posts: 10
Joined: September 27th, 2010, 8:25 pm
Contact:

V.O.I.C.E. query REVISED 2

Post by RebeccaSauve » December 27th, 2012, 2:56 am

Here is my second try at this query! The line in bold is my favorite line...but I feel like it doesn't belong where it is placed right now!

Dear (agent)


Living with your crush is supposed to be every girls dream come true, but if you’re about to become his step sister it kind of ruins that dream. Kildare Academy of the Arts is where many teens who are gifted in music, or acting go to school. This is where singer Eva meets her classmate Carter, and soon falls in love with him. But by the time Evalyn realizes she is in love with him, he is one step away from being her step brother.

So, you love him, you live with him, he’s about to be your step brother. What else can you add to the list of things that just suck in Eva’s life…? How about Carter telling her that he has the same feelings for her! It doesn’t matter how many love duets they sing together, will their love for each other ever be accepted by their family? Eva doesn't love the guy she is dating, she loves her almost step brother, who loves her but is dating somebody else! Seems like a few hearts will be broken in this love square, but whose?
V.O.I.C.E is a Young Adult Romance complete at over 50 000 words. I am prepared to send out sample chapters or a full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts! Where lines are crossed and love defies all odds.



(My info)

Mark.W.Carson
Posts: 233
Joined: December 15th, 2011, 9:20 am
Location: Northeastern US
Contact:

Re: V.O.I.C.E. query- YA Romance

Post by Mark.W.Carson » December 27th, 2012, 9:35 am

You made it much better, but need to work out the repetitiveness of it.

User avatar
Beethovenfan
Posts: 322
Joined: August 23rd, 2010, 11:45 pm
Contact:

Re: V.O.I.C.E. query REVISED 2

Post by Beethovenfan » December 28th, 2012, 12:56 am

Hi! Congratulations on finishing your novel! It's quite an accomplishment in itself. Now for the dreaded query, eh? This looks like you're on the right track, but still needs a few things, I think. When you're writing your query ask yourself a few questions: What is the problem - what is the big thing your main character has to overcome? What are the stakes - what will happen if the main character fails? These are the things that will grab an agent's attention.
RebeccaSauve wrote: Dear (agent)


Living with your crush is supposed to be every girls dream come true, but if you’re about to become his step sister it kind of ruins that dream. I really like this first sentence because it give us a problem. So, I'm going to assume this is THE main problem in this novel. However, the next sentences take me completely away from the problem. They just don't fit with the opening sentence. Kildare Academy of the Arts is where many teens who are gifted in music, or acting go to school. This is where singer Eva meets her classmate Carter, and soon falls in love with him. But by the time Evalyn realizes she is in love with him, he is one step away from being her step brother.

So, you love him, you live with him, he’s about to be your step brother. What else can you add to the list of things that just suck in Eva’s life…? I've heard you should never ask rhetorical questions in a query. Just something to think about. How about Carter telling her that he has the same feelings for her! How is his loving her a problem? I'd think she would be pretty happy about that. It doesn’t matterDespite how many love duets they sing together, will their love for each other ever be accepted by their family? Eva doesn't love the guy she is dating, she loves her almost step brother, who loves her but is dating somebody else! Seems like a few hearts will be broken in this love square, but whose? This part you've put in bold would work great after the first sentence of the first paragraph.
V.O.I.C.E is a Young Adult Romance complete at over 50 000 words. I am prepared to send out sample chapters or a full manuscript at your request. Don't need because they will already assume you have a finished, polished novel.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts! Where lines are crossed and love defies all odds. This part seems like it should be in the main body of the query.



(My info)
Hope this helps. Best of luck!
"Don't only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge can raise men to the divine."
~ Ludwig van Beethoven

User avatar
Shipple
Posts: 116
Joined: July 22nd, 2012, 8:16 pm
Contact:

Re: V.O.I.C.E. query REVISED 2

Post by Shipple » December 29th, 2012, 8:05 pm

RebeccaSauve wrote:Here is my second try at this query! The line in bold is my favorite line...but I feel like it doesn't belong where it is placed right now!

Dear (agent)


Living with your crush is supposed to be every girls dream come true, but if you’re about to become his step sister it kind of ruins that dream. You just gave us the hook/logline, and I really liked it, but I would start the next sentence with your main character's name. That way we know who the main character is and who we need to care about. I might push back the Kildare Academy back story/explanation for a little later.Kildare Academy of the Arts is where many teens who are gifted in music, or acting go to school. This is where singer Eva meets her classmate Carter, and soon falls in love with him. But by the time Evalyn realizes she is in love with him, he is one step away from being her step brother.

So, you love him, you live with him, he’s about to be your step brother. What else can you add to the list of things that just suck in Eva’s life…? I have also seen agents complain about rhetorical questions, although this does help convey the voice of your novel.How about Carter telling her that he has the same feelings for her! It doesn’t matter how many love duets they sing together, will their love for each other ever be accepted by their family? Eva doesn't love the guy she is dating, she loves her almost step brother, who loves her but is dating somebody else! Seems like a few hearts will be broken in this love square, but whose? I agree with Beethovenfan's comment that this might go better in the first paragraph, possibly as the second sentence.
V.O.I.C.E is a Young Adult Romance complete at over 50 000 words. I am prepared to send out sample chapters or a full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and careful consideration on behalf of my novel and may I be the first to welcome you to Kildare Academy of the Arts! Where lines are crossed and love defies all odds.

(My info)
So while I like the fact that you tossed the VOICE program (and the necessity of explaining it) out of the first paragraph, I'm still left to wonder what it is when the title of your novel rolls around.

I'm also wondering if it might not be helpful to emphasize how messy things would be between Eva and Carter if they broke up and still lived together. Or if their parents expressly forbid them from dating. It doesn't have to be either of these suggestions, but after you say that both Eva and Carter are in love with each other, you may need a better conflict/stakes for the query letter.

I think you're really narrowing in on what makes this novel interesting and that your second query is an improvement, but it seems like you still have some refining to do. Good luck!
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." - J.K. Rowling (an awesome opening line)
Me: http://sarahhipple.blogspot.com/ and http://shipple.tumblr.com/

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests