This is sort of like walking out to the mailbox in 10 degree weather: I hate that my nostrils freeze on the way there, but I want the mail so bad I sprint for it even without a coat or shoes. Here's a rough draft query...that's my disclaimer, anyway. I really love red pen, so whoever does that cool red-line-cross-out thing, I'll heart you forever. I hope that mostly YA fantasy lovers read this; makes the most sense to me; but I'll take any critique I can get. And if anyone else has a query for YA fantasy on this board, let me know and I'll go check it out. Thanks!
Dear Beautiful, Kind, Intelligent Agent, (that's a joke, in case you don't hear tone-of-voice in emails like my father)
I am not one for following rules, but I will discipline myself for this reason alone: I want my book published and in the hands of young readers who love fantasy as much as I do. I will do anything it takes to get it there. I’m very much like Liora who, in my completed 70,000 word YA novel COVENANT, falls into a forbidden love affair with John Green. He’s human and she’s Cruinaislian and these races are not meant to ever mingle. Their marriage covenant marks the beginning of Dreamtravel, a gift bestowed to their daughter and future generations, allowing them to visit Cruinaislia through their dreams. After breaking all of the rules, Liora is determined to set things right until a tragedy separates her from her family. Thus begins a saga that sends ripples through three generations and multiple worlds; all carried out on the pages of my proposed four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy.
Reminiscent of the way Narnia entered the lives of the Pevensie children, Cruinaislia alters the lives of the Green family forever. Throughout the four novels, family secrets cross the boundaries of one world, leaking into the corners of the next, as each member of the family discovers his/her purpose in the story. New friends and enemies are made and lost, but most importantly the eventual battle to save Cruinaislia goes hand in hand with the struggle to save their family.
COVENANT, while the beginning of the Green Family’s chronological story, is the second book in this proposed series. I envision the first three novels (two of which are completed) as standalone stories that can be read in any order and the fourth as the final climax with rotating POV’s between all previous characters.
I am a dedicated mother and writer who comes from a family with endless twists and turns. I’m fascinated by the sagas that every family has to navigate, especially when they arrive on the other side full of life and resolve despite their struggles. (Of course, they don’t have shape-shifters to deal with…) I have a BA in Social Welfare and am about to begin Grad school for a MA in Secondary Education English. Please consider my manuscript in full. You may contact me at any time.
Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
My main thing with this is that this query has too much "I" and not enough of your story. You're not selling yourself in a query. You're selling your book. So tell me about your book--and not the series. The COVANENT. I think the premise of the dreams sounds really cool and I love the idea of a forbidden alien marriage, but I was so distracted by all the "I" and the "proposed series" stuff that I didn't come away with any idea of what actually happens in your book. The writing wasn't the problem, either; I only got to use the strike-through once. So you have no excuse not to tell (well, show, technically) me more about your story. ;) I hope this critique helps you!jmcooper wrote:This is sort of like walking out to the mailbox in 10 degree weather: I hate that my nostrils freeze on the way there, but I want the mail so bad I sprint for it even without a coat or shoes. Here's a rough draft query...that's my disclaimer, anyway. I really love red pen, so whoever does that cool red-line-cross-out thing, I'll heart you forever. I hope that mostly YA fantasy lovers read this (I'm a YA fantasy lover! I'll be happy to read and do that red-line-cross-out thing for you. :) ); makes the most sense to me; but I'll take any critique I can get. And if anyone else has a query for YA fantasy on this board, let me know and I'll go check it out (I do. Whoo for fantasy!). Thanks!
Dear Beautiful, Kind, Intelligent Agent, (that's a joke, in case you don't hear tone-of-voice in emails like my father)
I am not one for following rules, but I will discipline myself for this reason alone: I want my book published and in the hands of young readers who love fantasy as much as I do. I will do anything it takes to get it there. I’m very much like Liora who, in my completed 70,000 word YA novel COVENANT, falls into a forbidden love affair with John Green. He’s human and she’s Cruinaislian (tell me about what makes Cruinaislians unique. Since this is fantasy, I don't know whether I should be picturing blue or green humanoid aliens or amoebas. This will help make your story stand out, too.) and these races are not meant to ever mingle. Their marriage covenant marks the beginning of Dreamtravel, a gift bestowed to their daughter and future generations, allowing them to visit Cruinaislia (Hmm...now I'm wondering how Liora and John fell in love, since they seem to have been on separate planets...) through their dreams. After breaking all of the rules, Liora is determined to set things right until a tragedy separates her from her family. Thus begins a saga that sends ripples through three generations and multiple worlds; all carried out on the pages of my proposed four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy. (This is telling. I don't want to be told there's a tragedy and that it's carried out on pages. SHOW me the tragedy. Another thing I want to point out is that you're querying the COVENANT, not your four book series. I think Nathan has done a few posts about pitching books with series potential as well. In short, tell me about the COVENANT, not the Dreamtraveler Legacy.)
Reminiscent of the way Narnia entered the lives of the Pevensie children, Cruinaislia alters the lives of the Green family forever. Throughout the four novels, family secrets cross the boundaries of one world, leaking into the corners of the next, as each member of the family discovers his/her purpose in the story. New friends and enemies are made and lost, but most importantly the eventual battle to save Cruinaislia goes hand in hand with the struggle to save their family. (This is all telling, too. None of this is within the specific context of the COVENANT. That's not good, I'm afraid.)
COVENANT, while the beginning of the Green Family’s chronological story, is the second book in this proposed series. I envision the first three novels (two of which are completed) as standalone stories that can be read in any order and the fourth as the final climax with rotating POV’s between all previous characters.(This is info for when you have an agent for the COVENANT. Not for a first query. Also, I'm wondering how this is YA. If Liora is married w/ children, who's the teenage protag?)
I am a dedicated mother and writer who comes from a family with endless twists and turns. I’m fascinated by the sagas that every family has to navigate, especially when they arrive on the other side full of life and resolve despite their struggles. (Of course, they don’t have shape-shifters to deal with…) I have a BA in Social Welfare and am about to begin Grad school for a MA in Secondary Education English. (That's all wonderful, but not necessary for your query. Stick to specific writing credentials.) Please consider my manuscript in full. You may contact me at any time.
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Good stuff. I agree with all of it. And this was sort of an experimental query. I have several others and will post a different one later today that is more specific to just this book. I wanted to try a different angle, but maybe it's not a good idea.
Just to clarify, Liora is the teenage protagonist. Although she's twenty. Is that too old? In the first book, the main character is fourteen, in the third the mc is seventeen and then in the fourth it's the fourteen yr old again. So it jumps around, but I figured it was still all YA. What do you think?
Just to clarify, Liora is the teenage protagonist. Although she's twenty. Is that too old? In the first book, the main character is fourteen, in the third the mc is seventeen and then in the fourth it's the fourteen yr old again. So it jumps around, but I figured it was still all YA. What do you think?
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Okay. Here is one that I actually have already sent out to a contest. More than one book is mentioned in this one as well because I sent in both manuscripts and I wanted to make sure the letter for each mentioned the pair of manuscripts. It's a little long, but I felt the need to describe the series here too...maybe I need to get over that. But see if you like this one better:
Dear Contest Judges,
Covenant, a 70,000 word YA fantasy novel, is the second installment in a four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy. The first book, Guardian, is also entered in this contest; however both books stand alone as individual novels.
The Dreamtraveler Legacy follows three generations of the Bennett family, combining the raw emotion of a dysfunctional family with the magical adventure of dual-world fantasy. One of the unique attributes to this series is that the first three books could be read in any order or individually as single stories. Of course, the complete tale is more thoroughly enjoyed by reading the series in its entirety and the fourth book ties everything together.
Covenant:
When caught in a violent storm at sea, Liora is accidentally thrust into the human world. She meets a young sailor named John Green who secretly follows her home. Despite hostile reactions from Liora’s village, her family welcomes the stranger into their home and a romantic relationship quickly blossoms. They marry and have a child in secret, but when the truth of their relationship becomes public Cruinaislia’s people divide their allegiance; a rebellion that threatens the lives of the young family. In a turn of events that leaves Liora staggering with grief, she is taken captive and made a slave of the underground forces planning to overthrow the King. Even if she’s able to escape, will she be able to prevent Cruinaislia from crumbling or will everything she knows come to an end?
In the completed first book, Guardian, (also entered in this contest) the story introduces Jack—the hero of the overall story. This book, Covenant, involves Jack’s grandparents. The third book, Betrayal, introduces Jack’s mother and her integral involvement to the story. And the Legacy ends with Redemption wherein the destiny of Jack’s family is revealed. The Dreamtraveler Legacy is a fantastical story filled with over-lapping time-travel and twists that keep readers guessing about how the connections will
I have completed writing courses at our local community college, won a national essay contest through eBay and Family Circle magazine, and have had excerpts of my work recognized on websites such as Helium.com. I am also a member of the Greater Lehigh Valley Writers Group and consider writing as a vocation to be my career goal. Please consider my novel(s) for publication.
Thank you, in advance, for your time.
Dear Contest Judges,
Covenant, a 70,000 word YA fantasy novel, is the second installment in a four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy. The first book, Guardian, is also entered in this contest; however both books stand alone as individual novels.
The Dreamtraveler Legacy follows three generations of the Bennett family, combining the raw emotion of a dysfunctional family with the magical adventure of dual-world fantasy. One of the unique attributes to this series is that the first three books could be read in any order or individually as single stories. Of course, the complete tale is more thoroughly enjoyed by reading the series in its entirety and the fourth book ties everything together.
Covenant:
When caught in a violent storm at sea, Liora is accidentally thrust into the human world. She meets a young sailor named John Green who secretly follows her home. Despite hostile reactions from Liora’s village, her family welcomes the stranger into their home and a romantic relationship quickly blossoms. They marry and have a child in secret, but when the truth of their relationship becomes public Cruinaislia’s people divide their allegiance; a rebellion that threatens the lives of the young family. In a turn of events that leaves Liora staggering with grief, she is taken captive and made a slave of the underground forces planning to overthrow the King. Even if she’s able to escape, will she be able to prevent Cruinaislia from crumbling or will everything she knows come to an end?
In the completed first book, Guardian, (also entered in this contest) the story introduces Jack—the hero of the overall story. This book, Covenant, involves Jack’s grandparents. The third book, Betrayal, introduces Jack’s mother and her integral involvement to the story. And the Legacy ends with Redemption wherein the destiny of Jack’s family is revealed. The Dreamtraveler Legacy is a fantastical story filled with over-lapping time-travel and twists that keep readers guessing about how the connections will
I have completed writing courses at our local community college, won a national essay contest through eBay and Family Circle magazine, and have had excerpts of my work recognized on websites such as Helium.com. I am also a member of the Greater Lehigh Valley Writers Group and consider writing as a vocation to be my career goal. Please consider my novel(s) for publication.
Thank you, in advance, for your time.
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
[quote="jmcooper"]
Dear Beautiful, Kind, Intelligent Agent, (that's a joke, in case you don't hear tone-of-voice in emails like my father)
I am not one for following rules, but I will discipline myself for this reason alone: I want my book published and in the hands of young readers who love fantasy as much as I do. I will do anything it takes to get it there. You and everyone else. I would leave this out completely - everyone who queries an agent wants their book published.I’m very much like Liora who, in my completed 70,000 word YA novel COVENANT, falls into a forbidden love affair with John Green. He’s human comma and she’s Cruinaislian comma and these races are not meant to ever mingle. Their marriage covenant marks the beginning of Dreamtravel, a gift bestowed to their daughter and future generations, allowing them to visit Cruinaislia through their dreams (NICE!). After breaking all of the rules, what rules? Liora is determined to set things right until a tragedy separates her from her family. What tragedy? Thus begins a saga that sends ripples through three generations and multiple worlds; all carried out on the pages of my proposed four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy.
I completely agree with Yoshima. The details are far too vague. I need to know what a Cruinaislian is, I need to know which rules Liora has broken, and I need to know what the tragedy is. How am I supposed to feel anything about what Liora is going through, if I actually have no idea what it is?
Reminiscent of the way Narnia entered the lives of the Pevensie children, Cruinaislia alters the lives of the Green family forever.Leave this out. If you get to send a full, let the agent decide if it's worthy of such a comparison.Throughout the four novels, family secrets cross the boundaries of one world, leaking into the corners of the next, as each member of the family discovers his/her purpose in the story. New friends and enemies are made and lost, but most importantly the eventual battle to save Cruinaislia goes hand in hand with the struggle to save their family. Again, this doesn't tell me anything about your story.
COVENANT, while the beginning of the Green Family’s chronological story, is the second book in this proposed series. I envision the first three novels (two of which are completed) as standalone stories that can be read in any order and the fourth as the final climax with rotating POV’s between all previous characters. I know you're excited about your series, but all you need to concentrate on is selling your first book. The only thing you need to include in a query about a proposed series is that it is a proposed series. Nothing more. Even then, it's not essential to state it.
I am a dedicated mother and writer who comes from a family with endless twists and turns. I’m fascinated by the sagas that every family has to navigate, especially when they arrive on the other side full of life and resolve despite their struggles. (Of course, they don’t have shape-shifters to deal with…) I have a BA in Social Welfare and am about to begin Grad school for a MA in Secondary Education English. Please consider my manuscript in full. You may contact me at any time.[/quote] Again, I agree with Yoshima. None of this is relevant.
This is a long query that doesn't actually tell me much about your story. Don't get me wrong, I think there's a really great story in there, I just don't know where it is in this query. Concentrate on specifics. Why was their love forbidden? There must be a reason why those races aren't supposed to mingle (and we know that those reasons aren't anatomical, considering they have a baby). So what rules did they break? What tragedy ensued? How was she going to set things right?
I also read further down that she is captured, but there's no mention of this in your actual query. That would be an obstacle worth mentioning. I know you have it in you - you've written a fantasy novel, so I'm pretty sure that words don't escape you! :) Overall, you just need to tell us about COVENANT. Not yourself, not your series. COVENANT. :)
Dear Beautiful, Kind, Intelligent Agent, (that's a joke, in case you don't hear tone-of-voice in emails like my father)
I am not one for following rules, but I will discipline myself for this reason alone: I want my book published and in the hands of young readers who love fantasy as much as I do. I will do anything it takes to get it there. You and everyone else. I would leave this out completely - everyone who queries an agent wants their book published.I’m very much like Liora who, in my completed 70,000 word YA novel COVENANT, falls into a forbidden love affair with John Green. He’s human comma and she’s Cruinaislian comma and these races are not meant to ever mingle. Their marriage covenant marks the beginning of Dreamtravel, a gift bestowed to their daughter and future generations, allowing them to visit Cruinaislia through their dreams (NICE!). After breaking all of the rules, what rules? Liora is determined to set things right until a tragedy separates her from her family. What tragedy? Thus begins a saga that sends ripples through three generations and multiple worlds; all carried out on the pages of my proposed four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy.
I completely agree with Yoshima. The details are far too vague. I need to know what a Cruinaislian is, I need to know which rules Liora has broken, and I need to know what the tragedy is. How am I supposed to feel anything about what Liora is going through, if I actually have no idea what it is?
Reminiscent of the way Narnia entered the lives of the Pevensie children, Cruinaislia alters the lives of the Green family forever.Leave this out. If you get to send a full, let the agent decide if it's worthy of such a comparison.Throughout the four novels, family secrets cross the boundaries of one world, leaking into the corners of the next, as each member of the family discovers his/her purpose in the story. New friends and enemies are made and lost, but most importantly the eventual battle to save Cruinaislia goes hand in hand with the struggle to save their family. Again, this doesn't tell me anything about your story.
COVENANT, while the beginning of the Green Family’s chronological story, is the second book in this proposed series. I envision the first three novels (two of which are completed) as standalone stories that can be read in any order and the fourth as the final climax with rotating POV’s between all previous characters. I know you're excited about your series, but all you need to concentrate on is selling your first book. The only thing you need to include in a query about a proposed series is that it is a proposed series. Nothing more. Even then, it's not essential to state it.
I am a dedicated mother and writer who comes from a family with endless twists and turns. I’m fascinated by the sagas that every family has to navigate, especially when they arrive on the other side full of life and resolve despite their struggles. (Of course, they don’t have shape-shifters to deal with…) I have a BA in Social Welfare and am about to begin Grad school for a MA in Secondary Education English. Please consider my manuscript in full. You may contact me at any time.[/quote] Again, I agree with Yoshima. None of this is relevant.
This is a long query that doesn't actually tell me much about your story. Don't get me wrong, I think there's a really great story in there, I just don't know where it is in this query. Concentrate on specifics. Why was their love forbidden? There must be a reason why those races aren't supposed to mingle (and we know that those reasons aren't anatomical, considering they have a baby). So what rules did they break? What tragedy ensued? How was she going to set things right?
I also read further down that she is captured, but there's no mention of this in your actual query. That would be an obstacle worth mentioning. I know you have it in you - you've written a fantasy novel, so I'm pretty sure that words don't escape you! :) Overall, you just need to tell us about COVENANT. Not yourself, not your series. COVENANT. :)
Jaime Loren: http://twitter.com/JaimeLoren
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
I liked knowing an actual sequence of events this time, but I need a little more about her alien people. I'm guessing they live underwater or something because of the ocean...but I'm not sure. Explain to us what makes her race so cool. Not a ton of backstory, but enough so that we can picture the character and the setting without feeling like we're fishing (ha, ha, sorry, bad pun).jmcooper wrote:Okay. Here is one that I actually have already sent out to a contest. More than one book is mentioned in this one as well because I sent in both manuscripts and I wanted to make sure the letter for each mentioned the pair of manuscripts. It's a little long, but I felt the need to describe the series here too...maybe I need to get over that. (*nods*) But see if you like this one better:
I'm only going to critique the Covenant part of it, because the other stuff is for the series and doesn't belong in your query for an agent.
Dear Contest Judges,
Covenant, a 70,000 word YA fantasy novel, is the second installment in a four book series called The Dreamtraveler Legacy. The first book, Guardian, is also entered in this contest; however both books stand alone as individual novels.
The Dreamtraveler Legacy follows three generations of the Bennett family, combining the raw emotion of a dysfunctional family with the magical adventure of dual-world fantasy. One of the unique attributes to this series is that the first three books could be read in any order or individually as single stories. Of course, the complete tale is more thoroughly enjoyed by reading the series in its entirety and the fourth book ties everything together.
Covenant:
When caught in a violent storm at sea, Liora is accidentally thrust into the human world. (We need to know she's not human first. Tell us about her race and her world a little.) She meets a young sailor named John Green who secretly follows her home. Despite hostile reactions from Liora’s village, her family welcomes the stranger into their home and a romantic relationship quickly blossoms. They marry and have a child in secret, but when the truth of their relationship becomes public Cruinaislia’s people divide their allegiance; (not a semicolon here. comma instead.) a rebellion that threatens the lives of the young family. In a turn of events that leaves Liora staggering with grief (so she loses her family? if so tell us that.), she is taken captive and made a slave of the underground forces planning to overthrow the King. Even if she’s able to escape, will she be able to prevent Cruinaislia from crumbling or will everything she knows come to an end? (I'm not a fan of rhetorical questions. I know you can set up the stakes without posing a question. ;) )
In the completed first book, Guardian, (also entered in this contest) the story introduces Jack—the hero of the overall story. This book, Covenant, involves Jack’s grandparents. The third book, Betrayal, introduces Jack’s mother and her integral involvement to the story. And the Legacy ends with Redemption wherein the destiny of Jack’s family is revealed. The Dreamtraveler Legacy is a fantastical story filled with over-lapping time-travel and twists that keep readers guessing about how the connections will
I have completed writing courses at our local community college, won a national essay contest through eBay and Family Circle magazine, and have had excerpts of my work recognized on websites such as Helium.com. I am also a member of the Greater Lehigh Valley Writers Group and consider writing as a vocation to be my career goal. Please consider my novel(s) for publication.
Thank you, in advance, for your time.
As long as the issues and writing feel YA, I think you're fine. Happy revisions!jmcooper wrote:Just to clarify, Liora is the teenage protagonist. Although she's twenty. Is that too old? In the first book, the main character is fourteen, in the third the mc is seventeen and then in the fourth it's the fourteen yr old again. So it jumps around, but I figured it was still all YA. What do you think?
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Thanks for all the great tips! I find queries to be the most annoying task on the planet. I can never balance how much or how little to say. And the advice out there--in internet-land--is quite conflicting. I'm going to post one more for a different book in the series, because originally there was only one book and I had a (more) concise way of sharing it. Now, with the expansion, I'm a blubbering mess.
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Here's an early paragraph from one of my very first queries. This actually got me a request for a full ms, but I also had met the agent in person, which I believe gave me a huge advantage. See what you think: (BTW--I no longer use rhetorical questions, but I let it be since this was how I originally queried my first book--about three years ago.)
Guardian is a completed 70,000 word novel for young adults. Guardian opens with Jack Bennett, a teenager unlike most his age. For one, he’s never met his mother. But the curious thing about Jack is that he’s never had a dream that he can remember. He tries not to care about either of these oddities, believing the easiest way to navigate life is to be ordinary and invisible. However, he’s unable to avoid Taryn, a girl who’s determined to use her remarkable artwork as a way to initiate a friendship with him. Her paintings awaken Jack to a world called Cruinaislia and Taryn shows him they can travel to this world through their dreams. Pulled into an adventure that forces him to become anything but ordinary, Jack discovers there are secrets about his mother entwined in the dark history of Cruinaislia. But in order to find the truth; he must first learn to seek it. And seeking the truth means he must decide whether or not to stay in Cruinaislia to help fight an enemy that threatens the safety of both worlds. If he stays will he ever be able to go home again? And will the truth that’s revealed about his mother prove to be too difficult to accept?
Guardian is a completed 70,000 word novel for young adults. Guardian opens with Jack Bennett, a teenager unlike most his age. For one, he’s never met his mother. But the curious thing about Jack is that he’s never had a dream that he can remember. He tries not to care about either of these oddities, believing the easiest way to navigate life is to be ordinary and invisible. However, he’s unable to avoid Taryn, a girl who’s determined to use her remarkable artwork as a way to initiate a friendship with him. Her paintings awaken Jack to a world called Cruinaislia and Taryn shows him they can travel to this world through their dreams. Pulled into an adventure that forces him to become anything but ordinary, Jack discovers there are secrets about his mother entwined in the dark history of Cruinaislia. But in order to find the truth; he must first learn to seek it. And seeking the truth means he must decide whether or not to stay in Cruinaislia to help fight an enemy that threatens the safety of both worlds. If he stays will he ever be able to go home again? And will the truth that’s revealed about his mother prove to be too difficult to accept?
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
jmcooper wrote:Here's an early paragraph from one of my very first queries. This actually got me a request for a full ms, but I also had met the agent in person, which I believe gave me a huge advantage. See what you think: (BTW--I no longer use rhetorical questions, but I let it be since this was how I originally queried my first book--about three years ago.)
Guardian is a completed 70,000 word novel for young adults. Guardian opens with (<---don't need that. Just start with the story.) Jack Bennett, a teenager unlike most his age. For one, he’s never met his mother. (well...there's lots of kids, like orphans, who've never met their birth parents. Are there any other weird things about his mother disappearing?) But the curious thing about Jack is that he’s never had a dream that he can remember (...again, there's plenty of people who don't remember dreams. I think these things are not uncommon enough, to tell you the truth. I think a different angle might work better.). He tries not to care about either of these oddities, believing the easiest way to navigate life is to be ordinary and invisible. However, he’s unable to avoid Taryn, a girl who’s determined to use her remarkable artwork as a way to initiate a friendship with him. Her paintings awaken Jack to a world called Cruinaislia (again, I think we should get a little background info on Cruinaislia. What kind of world is it? A short phrase will do wonders.) and Taryn shows him they can travel to this world through their dreams. Pulled into an adventure that forces him to become anything but ordinary, Jack discovers there are secrets about his mother entwined in the dark history of Cruinaislia. But in order to find the truth; (comma, not a semicolon) he must first learn to seek it. And seeking the truth means he must decide whether or not to stay in Cruinaislia to help fight an enemy that threatens the safety of both worlds. If he stays will he ever be able to go home again? And will the truth that’s revealed about his mother prove to be too difficult to accept? (These conflicts are all too generic. You've got what sounds like a cool world but I feel like I don't know anything about it. The conflicts need some context, you know? Other than that I think the story sounds cool! I like the idea of Jack discovering all of these crazy new things about his parentage, and you know I love new worlds. ;) )
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Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
I had to read over these queries a few times to gather that they were for the two separate books. You threw several character names in, which got confusing. Who is the MAIN character in The Guardian, and who is the MAIN character in The Covenant? Focus on them and let me know that it's THEIR story. Incorporate the other important characters, but don't let the focus shift too far from your protagonist and their goal.
I agree that you use several generalizations, though the latter query is better. Still, I'd like to see more specifics, as well as information about the actual goal and stakes for the protagonist. As Yoshima said, we don't really know anything about the world you're creating, or the conflict they have to overcome. What exactly are Liora and Jack's goals? What personal stakes do they have to overcome in achieving said goals? How will they do that?
I hope that helps!
I agree that you use several generalizations, though the latter query is better. Still, I'd like to see more specifics, as well as information about the actual goal and stakes for the protagonist. As Yoshima said, we don't really know anything about the world you're creating, or the conflict they have to overcome. What exactly are Liora and Jack's goals? What personal stakes do they have to overcome in achieving said goals? How will they do that?
I hope that helps!
aka S.E. Sinkhorn, or Steph
My Blog | My Twitter | YA!Flash Tumblr
Represented by Michelle Andelman of Regal Literary
My Blog | My Twitter | YA!Flash Tumblr
Represented by Michelle Andelman of Regal Literary
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Okay, here's some specifics. I took liberties with writing a long paragraph because I will not have anything else to include in a query as I don't have any "credits" to my name. (other than a few goofy contests) So, I know this is long, but here goes:
This is for the book COVENANT:
Liora, a young, impish Cruinaislian, accidentally finds a way into the foreign world of humans while on a fishing trip with her father. John Green, a human sailor with a penchant for old, wooden, sailing ships, crashes into Liora’s father’s vessel and their worlds collide for the first time in centuries. After a short stint in coastal New England, Liora and her father return home; unknowingly towing John. Humans are regarded as destructive and deceptive, so Liora’s village panics when the trio arrives. However, they can’t send him home because there is a time-discrepancy between worlds and it is likely that John’s family and friends have aged without him. Liora knows John is not like the humans her people describe, so they run away from the hostile villagers. Their romance quickly evolves and they enter into a magical covenant; one that cannot be broken; which results in the birth of a “half-breed” daughter. The scandal creates a rebellion and divides even Liora’s family. The Guardian of Cruinaislia decides that despite the time difference, Liora, John and the baby must return to the human world to be safe from the rioting crowds. He will bless them with the gift of Dreamtravel so that they can return through their dreams to visit their Cruinaislian family. Aeron, the Guardian’s assistant is furious about the gift bestowed to the family, and plots to kill them. He’s seemingly successful when he sinks John’s boat; with John and the baby girl aboard. Liora is captured and made a slave to Aeron’s plot to destroy the King’s Guardianship of Cruinaislia. She must search deep inside herself for the will to live and fight for her ravaged homeland torn by its warring people. In the process, she discovers that her daughter survived the sinking and that she’s grown up in the human world without her.
This is for the book COVENANT:
Liora, a young, impish Cruinaislian, accidentally finds a way into the foreign world of humans while on a fishing trip with her father. John Green, a human sailor with a penchant for old, wooden, sailing ships, crashes into Liora’s father’s vessel and their worlds collide for the first time in centuries. After a short stint in coastal New England, Liora and her father return home; unknowingly towing John. Humans are regarded as destructive and deceptive, so Liora’s village panics when the trio arrives. However, they can’t send him home because there is a time-discrepancy between worlds and it is likely that John’s family and friends have aged without him. Liora knows John is not like the humans her people describe, so they run away from the hostile villagers. Their romance quickly evolves and they enter into a magical covenant; one that cannot be broken; which results in the birth of a “half-breed” daughter. The scandal creates a rebellion and divides even Liora’s family. The Guardian of Cruinaislia decides that despite the time difference, Liora, John and the baby must return to the human world to be safe from the rioting crowds. He will bless them with the gift of Dreamtravel so that they can return through their dreams to visit their Cruinaislian family. Aeron, the Guardian’s assistant is furious about the gift bestowed to the family, and plots to kill them. He’s seemingly successful when he sinks John’s boat; with John and the baby girl aboard. Liora is captured and made a slave to Aeron’s plot to destroy the King’s Guardianship of Cruinaislia. She must search deep inside herself for the will to live and fight for her ravaged homeland torn by its warring people. In the process, she discovers that her daughter survived the sinking and that she’s grown up in the human world without her.
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
This is not in any way helpful, but I just wanted to squee and say that is my little brother's screen name at Deviant Art :-)
The book sounds interesting, though, even though there's a few hiccoughs with the query.
The book sounds interesting, though, even though there's a few hiccoughs with the query.
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Dreamtraveler is your little brothers screen name? Funny!
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
Okay, here's some specifics. I took liberties with writing a long paragraph because I will not have anything else to include in a query as I don't have any "credits" to my name. (other than a few goofy contests) (Same here...*sigh*) So, I know this is long, but here goes:
This is for the book COVENANT:
Liora, a young, impish Cruinaislian, accidentally finds a way into the foreign world of humans while on a fishing trip with her father. John Green, a human sailor with a penchant for old, wooden, sailing ships (cut out those commas), crashes into Liora’s father’s vessel and their (I think "the Cruinaislian and human worlds" would be more dramatic) worlds collide for the first time in centuries (This is the part that really got me interested. I want to know how these species interact.). After a short stint in coastal New England, Liora and her father return home; (comma, not semicolon, since "unknowingly towing John" isn't a complete thought) unknowingly towing John. Humans are regarded as destructive and deceptive, so Liora’s village panics when the trio arrives. (Hmm. Personal taste here: I think "destructive" and "deceptive" are too beaten-in as descriptions of humans. When I read them I think "Yeah, yeah, I know we humans are awful" and feel like it's bordering on cliche. Are there any other words that describe how the villiage thinks of humans?) However, they can’t send him home because there is a time-(no hyphen necessary) discrepancy between worlds and it is likely that John’s family and friends have aged without him. Liora knows John is not like the humans her people describe, so they run away from the hostile villagers. Their romance quickly evolves (I'm not sure about "evolves." It makes me think of ape-to-man and that doesn't say "super hot alien(ish) romance" to me.) and they enter into a magical covenant; one that cannot be broken; which results in the birth of a “half-breed” daughter (I think these should be separate sentences for added emphasis and all that jazz.). The scandal creates a rebellion and divides even Liora’s family (I love a good scandal. ;) ). The Guardian of Cruinaislia decides that despite the time difference, Liora, John and the baby must return to the human world to be safe from the rioting crowds riots. He will bless them with the gift of Dreamtravel so that they can return through their dreams to visit their Cruinaislian family. Aeron, the Guardian’s assistant (comma) is furious about the gift bestowed to the family, and plots to kill them. He’s seemingly successful when he sinks John’s boat; (dash not semicolon) with John and the baby girl aboard. Liora is captured and made a slave to Aeron’s plot to destroy the King’s Guardianship of Cruinaislia. She must search deep inside herself for the will to live and fight for her ravaged homeland torn by its warring people. In the process, she discovers that her daughter survived the sinking and that she’s grown up in the human world without her. (Aw! That's sad! I like this ending. It gives me a good idea of the conflict with her grieving for her dead husband and for her long lost daughter.)
End note: I think this needs to be broken up a bit--one big chunk of query looks daunting. Much better than the previous one for Covenant! I have an idea of what the story is about, now. Methinks romance between John and Liora sounds mighty interesting. :) Happy revisions!
This is for the book COVENANT:
Liora, a young, impish Cruinaislian, accidentally finds a way into the foreign world of humans while on a fishing trip with her father. John Green, a human sailor with a penchant for old, wooden, sailing ships (cut out those commas), crashes into Liora’s father’s vessel and their (I think "the Cruinaislian and human worlds" would be more dramatic) worlds collide for the first time in centuries (This is the part that really got me interested. I want to know how these species interact.). After a short stint in coastal New England, Liora and her father return home; (comma, not semicolon, since "unknowingly towing John" isn't a complete thought) unknowingly towing John. Humans are regarded as destructive and deceptive, so Liora’s village panics when the trio arrives. (Hmm. Personal taste here: I think "destructive" and "deceptive" are too beaten-in as descriptions of humans. When I read them I think "Yeah, yeah, I know we humans are awful" and feel like it's bordering on cliche. Are there any other words that describe how the villiage thinks of humans?) However, they can’t send him home because there is a time-(no hyphen necessary) discrepancy between worlds and it is likely that John’s family and friends have aged without him. Liora knows John is not like the humans her people describe, so they run away from the hostile villagers. Their romance quickly evolves (I'm not sure about "evolves." It makes me think of ape-to-man and that doesn't say "super hot alien(ish) romance" to me.) and they enter into a magical covenant; one that cannot be broken; which results in the birth of a “half-breed” daughter (I think these should be separate sentences for added emphasis and all that jazz.). The scandal creates a rebellion and divides even Liora’s family (I love a good scandal. ;) ). The Guardian of Cruinaislia decides that despite the time difference, Liora, John and the baby must return to the human world to be safe from the rioting crowds riots. He will bless them with the gift of Dreamtravel so that they can return through their dreams to visit their Cruinaislian family. Aeron, the Guardian’s assistant (comma) is furious about the gift bestowed to the family, and plots to kill them. He’s seemingly successful when he sinks John’s boat; (dash not semicolon) with John and the baby girl aboard. Liora is captured and made a slave to Aeron’s plot to destroy the King’s Guardianship of Cruinaislia. She must search deep inside herself for the will to live and fight for her ravaged homeland torn by its warring people. In the process, she discovers that her daughter survived the sinking and that she’s grown up in the human world without her. (Aw! That's sad! I like this ending. It gives me a good idea of the conflict with her grieving for her dead husband and for her long lost daughter.)
End note: I think this needs to be broken up a bit--one big chunk of query looks daunting. Much better than the previous one for Covenant! I have an idea of what the story is about, now. Methinks romance between John and Liora sounds mighty interesting. :) Happy revisions!
Re: Dreamtraveler Query: Covenant (YA Fantasy)
One big paragraph is scary, says I. Here's a bit of tweeking to consider, though not much. Sounds good:
Liora, a young, impish Cruinaislian, accidentally finds a way into the strange and exotic world of humans while on a fishing trip with her father. John Green, a human sailor with a penchant for old, wooden, sailing ships, crashes into Liora’s father’s vessel and the human and Cruinaislian worlds collide for the first time in centuries. After a short stint in coastal New England, Liora and her father return home; unknowingly towing John.
Humans are regarded as destructive and deceptive, so Liora’s village panics when the trio arrives. However, they can’t send him home because there is a time-discrepancy between worlds and it is likely that John’s family and friends have aged without him. Liora knows John is not like the humans her people describe, so they run away from the hostile villagers.
Their romance quickly evolves and they enter into a magical covenant; one that cannot be broken; which results in the birth of a “half-breed” daughter. The scandal creates a rebellion that divides even Liora’s own family. The Guardian of Cruinaislia decides that despite the time difference, Liora, John, and the baby must return to the human world to be safe from the rioting crowds. He blesses them with the gift of Dreamtravel so that they can return through their dreams to visit their Cruinaislian family.
Aeron, the Guardian’s assistant is furious about the gift bestowed to the family, and plots to kill them. He’s seemingly successful when he sinks John’s boat; with John and the baby girl aboard. Liora is captured and made a slave to Aeron’s plot to destroy the King’s Guardianship of Cruinaislia. She must search deep inside herself for the will to live and fight for her ravaged homeland torn by its warring people. In the process, she discovers that her daughter survived the sinking and that she’s grown up in the human world without her.
Liora, a young, impish Cruinaislian, accidentally finds a way into the strange and exotic world of humans while on a fishing trip with her father. John Green, a human sailor with a penchant for old, wooden, sailing ships, crashes into Liora’s father’s vessel and the human and Cruinaislian worlds collide for the first time in centuries. After a short stint in coastal New England, Liora and her father return home; unknowingly towing John.
Humans are regarded as destructive and deceptive, so Liora’s village panics when the trio arrives. However, they can’t send him home because there is a time-discrepancy between worlds and it is likely that John’s family and friends have aged without him. Liora knows John is not like the humans her people describe, so they run away from the hostile villagers.
Their romance quickly evolves and they enter into a magical covenant; one that cannot be broken; which results in the birth of a “half-breed” daughter. The scandal creates a rebellion that divides even Liora’s own family. The Guardian of Cruinaislia decides that despite the time difference, Liora, John, and the baby must return to the human world to be safe from the rioting crowds. He blesses them with the gift of Dreamtravel so that they can return through their dreams to visit their Cruinaislian family.
Aeron, the Guardian’s assistant is furious about the gift bestowed to the family, and plots to kill them. He’s seemingly successful when he sinks John’s boat; with John and the baby girl aboard. Liora is captured and made a slave to Aeron’s plot to destroy the King’s Guardianship of Cruinaislia. She must search deep inside herself for the will to live and fight for her ravaged homeland torn by its warring people. In the process, she discovers that her daughter survived the sinking and that she’s grown up in the human world without her.
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