Query for Till the Sun Comes Up (Adult Fiction)

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Philabuster
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Query for Till the Sun Comes Up (Adult Fiction)

Post by Philabuster » October 26th, 2012, 4:40 pm

It's been a long time since I wrote a query and I remember that one being not very good at all. Any and all feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks!

Dear (Agent)

(Customized tag line on why I'm querying)

Martin’s gambling addiction costs him his girlfriend, his job, and every last penny to his name. When facing the decision on whether to take his own life his seemingly empty future takes an unexpected turn when he meets an equally unstable waitress named Janice, as well as several other quirky characters from an isolated hotel. Over the course of the night, Martin is forced to reevaluate what’s important as he attempts to save Janice from her own suicidal destiny in this edgy dark comedy where everyone is separated by only six degrees.

Till the Sun Comes Up is an 81k word work of adult fiction involving love, death, drug use, sexual situations, and adult humor. Think Snatch meets Hotel Noir.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Sincerely,
Jason Shprintz

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Beethovenfan
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Re: Query for Till the Sun Comes Up (Adult Fiction)

Post by Beethovenfan » October 27th, 2012, 12:51 am

I read your first few hundred words post from a few months ago (loved it) so reading your query was great because now I know what happens next. Awesome.
You know, I think this query is pretty darn good. In fact, there's only one line that bothers me. I have it underlined below. It seems too much like an afterthought. He loses everything, wants to end it all and meets up with a woman named Janice who is as bad off as he is. Oh and by the way, there's lots of other quirky characters, oh, and I forgot to mention that they all meet at an isolated hotel.

It isn't that bad, of course, but that's the feeling it left. I do think it's important to know that there are other quirky characters, so perhaps you could name one or two, and explain why they are quirky. Not sure it's important to know they all meet at an isolated hotel.

I can see the potential for this to be a dark comedy just from the fact that a suicidal man meets up with a suicidal woman, and he ends up trying to help her out of it. What I wonder - and I know this is easier said than done - if you could give us more of that dark comedy flavor. Perhaps a funny one-liner from the book? Or more detail behind the suicidal man saving the suicidal woman? I don't know. Like I said, this is the hard part. Right now, your query is pretty good, but I think it would push it over the edge to great if we actually laughed out loud after reading it!
I hope this was helpful.
Best of luck!
Philabuster wrote:It's been a long time since I wrote a query and I remember that one being not very good at all. Any and all feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks!

Dear (Agent)

(Customized tag line on why I'm querying)

Martin’s gambling addiction costs him his girlfriend, his job, and every last penny to his name. When facing the decision on whether to take his own life his seemingly empty future takes an unexpected turn when he meets an equally unstable waitress named Janice, as well as several other quirky characters from an isolated hotel. Over the course of the night, Martin is forced to reevaluate what’s important as he attempts to save Janice from her own suicidal destiny in this edgy dark comedy where everyone is separated by only six degrees.

Till the Sun Comes Up is an 81k word work of adult fiction involving love, death, drug use, sexual situations, and adult humor. Think Snatch meets Hotel Noir.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Sincerely,
Jason Shprintz
"Don't only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge can raise men to the divine."
~ Ludwig van Beethoven

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wilderness
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Re: Query for Till the Sun Comes Up (Adult Fiction)

Post by wilderness » October 27th, 2012, 6:33 pm

Totally second Beethovenfan. I think if the novel is humorous, you should try to inject some of that humor into the query itself. I know it's hard in such a short space but a couple of snarky lines can go a long way. The difference between a good query and a great query is voice.

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Shipple
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Re: Query for Till the Sun Comes Up (Adult Fiction)

Post by Shipple » October 28th, 2012, 4:57 pm

Philabuster wrote:It's been a long time since I wrote a query and I remember that one being not very good at all. Any and all feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks!

Dear (Agent)

(Customized tag line on why I'm querying)

Martin’s gambling addiction costs him his girlfriend, his job, and every last penny to his name. When facing the decision on whether to take his own life This phrase seems oddly passive, given that he may kill himself. I think I'd make this a little more active/dire sounding his seemingly empty future takes an unexpected turn when he meets an equally unstable waitress named Janice Kinda curious about how she's unstable b/c I have my doubts that she's also considering suicide , as well as several other quirky characters from an isolated hotel. Over the course of the night, Martin is forced to reevaluate what’s important as he attempts to save Janice from her own suicidal destiny I take it back. That is how she's unstable. I didn't get that until reading this sentence, so maybe you could make that more clear but perhaps that's just me. in this edgy dark comedy where everyone is separated by only six degrees. So is this story told from multiple viewpoints? I only ask b/c you say everyone's separated by six degrees & that makes me think you might follow other characters to eventually show their connections, but the query is only about Martin.

Till the Sun Comes Up is an 81k word work of adult fiction involving love, death, drug use, sexual situations, and adult humor. Think Snatch meets Hotel Noir. Very good! I always struggle with a frame of reference myself, so I admire when others are able to make this work for them. I think it can really help the agent.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Sincerely,
Jason Shprintz
I think adding a little more information about these characters quirks could add some humor and uniqueness to this query. As the others said, if you are using humor in your novel, it might really attract an agent interested in something like that if you can fit some of that humor into the query letter.

Mostly I just told you what I was thinking as I read along. Hope that's helpful to you!
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." - J.K. Rowling (an awesome opening line)
Me: http://sarahhipple.blogspot.com/ and http://shipple.tumblr.com/

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Philabuster
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Re: Query for Till the Sun Comes Up (Adult Fiction)

Post by Philabuster » October 29th, 2012, 2:58 pm

Thank you guys so much for your comments. With Hurricane Sandy keeping me locked in my apartment I have a little bit of time to work on this. The comedy part of my MS is more situational than specific jokes but I'm hoping the personality of the characters appropriately present their comedic value better in this revised query.



Martin’s gambling addiction costs him his girlfriend, his job, and every last penny to his name. Isolated at the Hotel Reverie, and grappling with the choice to take his own life, his seemingly empty future takes an unexpected turn when he encounters an equally unstable, yet far more crass waitress named Janice. Throughout the night several other quirky characters emerge including a hopelessly romantic gay concierge, two argumentative cocaine dealers, several men with mismatched personalities in a bachelor party, and one horribly drugged out man whore. Things become even more strange for everyone when the power inexplicably goes out and Martin is forced to reevaluate what’s important as he attempts to save Janice from her own suicidal destiny in this edgy dark comedy where everyone is separated by only six degrees.

Till the Sun Comes Up is an 81k word work of adult commercial fiction involving love, death, drug use, sexual situations, and adult humor. Think Snatch meets Hotel Noir.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Jason Shprintz

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