Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Having trouble with the pitch section of my query. My novel is from multiple POVs and I want the pitch to be concise, but it's proving difficult. Any help would be much appreciated! Here's what I got so far:

Option 1:
Everyone used to go to school for free. Seriously. Thanks to the FACTS exams, only America’s best and brightest attend school past age 14. Oliver McCray’s parents never got an education and are determined to make a better life for him. The only problem is that Oliver doesn’t care about passing exams; he loves to draw and write stories -- two things that could get him recommended for a government evaluation, or worse, a reformatory. When asked to join a highly secretive and highly dangerous group dedicated to art, Oliver must choose between two paths: the safe life his parents painstakingly planned, and the imaginative life offered by his new friends.

Option 2: Oliver McCray has always known he’s different. He draws and writes stories—two things that could get him recommended for a government evaluation, or worse, a reformatory. Despite the danger (and his parents’ disapproval), he can’t stop. When asked to join a highly-secretive group headquartered in the Seattle Underground, Oliver is introduced to music, art, and teenagers just as peculiar as he is. But after hearing the group’s founder was killed for his involvement, Oliver must decide if following his muse is worth the ultimate price.

When Maggie Spencer moves to Seattle, she struggles to get over her father’s tragic death. Only one classmate, a strange boy named Oliver, seems to understand what she’s going through. After Oliver’s suspicious disappearance, she sets out to unravel his mystery, and, in doing so, stumbles upon the truth about her father.

Option 3: Maggie Spencer was the last to see Oliver McCray before he disappeared. The police are calling him a runaway, but Maggie isn’t so sure. She can’t stop Oliver’s last words from tugging at her mind: see you tomorrow. THE UNDERGROUND follows Maggie as she investigates Oliver’s disappearance and unravels the startling truth.

Option 1 made me a little confused about what was happening because the first sentence almost sounds like it could be a query for a non-fiction book. I scrunched up my forehead and wondered whether college ever used to be free. Then I kept reading (and then I understood). But I do not think the introduction to option 1 puts the reader in the story you're setting. The "Seriously" didn't work either b/c I was still confused. If you went with this option 1, I would start with the info about Oliver McCray.

Option 2 does what I said above, and I like it better than Option 1. However, it's a little weird when you throw Maggie into the equation. You get a little disoriented and think "I thought this book was about Oliver. Who's Maggie?"

I like Option 3 best. You'll still need to set up the world, but I have a much better idea of what happens in the book. You could set up your world in the next sentence or paragraph by explaining that Oliver was involved in a dangerous underground world of art and literature, and Maggie suspects ...

I think Option 3 is more poignant, especially with the repeated "last words."

What about this?

Sixteen-year-old Maggie Spencer decides to conduct her own investigation when the police furtively label her missing lab partner, Oliver McCray, a runaway. She was, after all, the last person to see him before he disappeared, and she has at least one clue the police don’t: Oliver’s last words.

THE UNDERGROUND, a dystopian novel of 73,000 words, follows the disappearance from three points of view: Oliver, the supposed-runaway; Maggie, the girl left behind; and Jude, the son of a government official asked to spy on them both.

I like the newest you posted, but I think there is a little "filler" in the wording that could be removed to strengthen it further:

"Sixteen-year-old Maggie Spencer decides to conduct her own investigation when the police furtively [/color]label her missing lab partner, Oliver McCray, a runaway. She was, after all, the last person to see him before he disappeared, and she has at least one clue the police don’t: Oliver’s last words. "

"At least": while I get that there may be additional clues Maggie has that may help her, the real hook is "Oliver's last words". I wouldn't detract from this by suggesting anything peripheral. I think it reads stronger straight through without those two words.

In introducing the three points of view, I would list Maggie first as we have already been introduced to her and by reaching that portion of your query we are expecting the story to be solely about her. To that end, you may want to add similar three-sentence, intriguing, hooks about the other two characters.

Great start.

-Mitch

Option 3 really grabbed my attention. I like it!!