Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Preacher wrote:Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him.

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. He needs to solve the woman's death and find her connection to his sister. He needs to replace with must abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. To go forward he has to replace with must go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried. This part threw me. I had to go back and reread to be sure it wasn't an actual beast, rather than his former self that he buried. I would consider revising it.
If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. If he does find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost. This last part, although fills us in on what the sister is doing, doesn't really do much to help the query. It seems like an afterthought, like you tacked it on just so we know a little bit about the sister. Instead, I would focus on the brother, and what his reaction will be if finds her, and what they will be if he doesn't - leaving out what sister is actually doing. The reason it seems like an afterthought, I think, is because there is too much info about the sister packed into one little phrase, leaving me with too many unanswered questions.

Preacher wrote:Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him. Did the father give up on him and not the sister?

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. Was she bloody or pale or looking nearly dead when she showed up? What did she die of? Why does he think he can trust her? Do they have any history together?He needs to solve the woman's death and find her connection to his sister. He needs to abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. What's the octagon? We don't really have any context for understanding what you mean by that. To go forward he has to go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried. Do you mean a literal beast?

If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. If he does find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost. I don't feel like we have any context for this b/c all we know from above is that the sister is missing. How does the brother find all this out?

Preacher wrote:Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. (slipping into melodrama) She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him.

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. He needs to solve the woman's death (Solve the death? Is it a mysterious death? Homicide? Are the cops also giving up on this woman? Lot of police incompetence?)and find her connection to his sister. He needs to abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others (Leave behind his need to help others? So he can go and help a different set of others? Be specific. What is he really leaving behind? Better yet, "WHO" is he leaving behind?)and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. (UFC, yay!)To go forward, he has to go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried. his inner beast.

If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. or maybe end her life. (This central plot point seems to come out of nowhere. Does he discover this after investigating the strange woman's death or is it something he's known all along?If he doesn't find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost.