my query attempt

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Preacher
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my query attempt

Post by Preacher » September 27th, 2012, 2:22 pm

Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him.

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. He needs to solve the woman's death and find her connection to his sister. He needs to abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. To go forward he has to go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried.

If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. If he does find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost.

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Beethovenfan
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Re: my query attempt

Post by Beethovenfan » September 28th, 2012, 1:11 am

This sounds like a great story! Something I might pick up and read through, and possibly buy. The query process sucks, doesn't it? But hey, you've made it to this point - Congratulations! Here are a few suggestions. Nothing too big because it's a pretty strong query.
Preacher wrote:Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him.

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. He needs to solve the woman's death and find her connection to his sister. He needs to replace with must abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. To go forward he has to replace with must go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried. This part threw me. I had to go back and reread to be sure it wasn't an actual beast, rather than his former self that he buried. I would consider revising it.
If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. If he does find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost. This last part, although fills us in on what the sister is doing, doesn't really do much to help the query. It seems like an afterthought, like you tacked it on just so we know a little bit about the sister. Instead, I would focus on the brother, and what his reaction will be if finds her, and what they will be if he doesn't - leaving out what sister is actually doing. The reason it seems like an afterthought, I think, is because there is too much info about the sister packed into one little phrase, leaving me with too many unanswered questions.
Best of luck!
"Don't only practice your art, but force your way into its secrets, for it and knowledge can raise men to the divine."
~ Ludwig van Beethoven

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Shipple
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Re: my query attempt

Post by Shipple » September 28th, 2012, 9:46 am

Preacher wrote:Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him. Did the father give up on him and not the sister?

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. Was she bloody or pale or looking nearly dead when she showed up? What did she die of? Why does he think he can trust her? Do they have any history together?He needs to solve the woman's death and find her connection to his sister. He needs to abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. What's the octagon? We don't really have any context for understanding what you mean by that. To go forward he has to go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried. Do you mean a literal beast?

If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. If he does find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost. I don't feel like we have any context for this b/c all we know from above is that the sister is missing. How does the brother find all this out?
Ok, so you start off strong, but as I was reading, I let you know where I got a bit confused b/c one thing you do not want is to leave the agent confused. I really like the first paragraph, except the last sentence.

I do feel like a woman dropping dead in front of you is very dramatic, but it feels like you played down the drama when you should have played it up.

I think you have a lot of action in this novel, which is always a big plus. You just have to make it sound a little more coherent. Good luck!
"Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much." - J.K. Rowling (an awesome opening line)
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AnimaDictio
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Re: my query attempt

Post by AnimaDictio » September 28th, 2012, 11:23 am

Preacher wrote:Okay, here is my rough draft query for Preacher's Blood.

30 days ago, Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared. There were no clues. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. Not now. Not ever. (slipping into melodrama) She's his center, his best friend, his only family. He's not about to give up on her, like their father did on him.

When a woman shows up saying his sister is still alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. But she dies before he can get more from her. He needs to solve the woman's death (Solve the death? Is it a mysterious death? Homicide? Are the cops also giving up on this woman? Lot of police incompetence?)and find her connection to his sister. He needs to abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others (Leave behind his need to help others? So he can go and help a different set of others? Be specific. What is he really leaving behind? Better yet, "WHO" is he leaving behind?)and return to a deadly set of skills and unchecked rage cultivated in the army and the octagon. (UFC, yay!)To go forward, he has to go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the beast he buried. his inner beast.

If he doesn’t find her in time she will undergo an experimental fertility treatment which will ruin her mind, leaving her suicidal. or maybe end her life. (This central plot point seems to come out of nowhere. Does he discover this after investigating the strange woman's death or is it something he's known all along?If he doesn't find her in time, it may be his own sanity that's lost.

Preacher
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Re: my query attempt

Post by Preacher » September 30th, 2012, 4:40 am

hey guys, thanks for the helpful suggestions. let me try again

Gavin Preacher's sister disappeared 30 days ago. There were no leads. There were no witnesses. The police have all but given up, but not Preacher. He can't. She's his best friend, his center, and his only real family. He's not going to give up on her, like their father did on him.
.
When a woman shows up saying his sister is alive and in danger, Preacher has renewed hope. He sees a chance to put his family back together and provee he isn't the failure his father said he was. But the woman is strange, unhinged, and paranoid. And when he presses for more info, she commits suicide. In order to find his sister he needs to find out who this woman was, why she committed suicide, and how the two areconnected. He must abandon the new life he's built. Leave behind his need to help others and rediscover a set of deadly skills and the unchecked rage they cultivated in order to help his sister, and himself. To go forward he must go back and, in the process, hope he doesn't lose himself to the inner beast he buried so many years ago.

If he doesn't find her in time, she might not live. If he does, he has his family back. And either way, it just might cost him his sanity.

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