1st round of rejections

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saraho
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Joined: December 7th, 2009, 6:22 pm
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Re: 1st round of rejections

Post by saraho » December 18th, 2009, 6:15 pm

I'm just adding my quick two cents about the story since you've already gotten tons of feedback. The concept sounds really kick ass. I've actually been looking for some paranormal YA that's a little different and I just adore the idea of YA and tarot! Keep trucking with those queries and I hope this one gets picked up!
*~Sarah O.~*

Cate Hart
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Joined: December 10th, 2009, 12:41 pm
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Re: 1st round of rejections

Post by Cate Hart » December 21st, 2009, 7:44 pm

Disclaimer ;) these are just my opinions and suggestions so take with a grain of salt.
choculagrl wrote:Just got back first two rejections, eagerly anticipating (ha!) more. I'd appreciate any suggestions.

Dear SuperAgent,
I agree with what someone else mentioned here - STRONGER HOOK - like - Sometimes life can depend on the draw of the next card. For Lucy Auburn it's not just her life but her family's - okay that was off the top of my head - but this is what your hook should be - or an example from other novels - (hate to use it but it's great because I have it memorized - WHEN YOUR LIVE FOREVER, WHAT'S WORTH LIVING FOR? or from Lauren Kate's Fallen (it's the only blurb on the back of her new book) WHAT IF THE PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE WITH COULD NEVER BE YOURS?)

High school senior Lucy Auburn never thought life would take her from mixing paint at the local hardware store to reading tarot cards for celebrity clients. Then again, she also didn’t imagine that she’d inherit a house, a fortune, and a decades-old battle with a murderous man. I think this paragraph is fine but like some one else mentioned don't break the intro of the major characters up with the word count blurb. That should be the last sentence. Lucy is exploring exploresher new home when she anddiscovers a series of letters alluding to peculiar eventsbe a little more specific here but stay within a sentence - if that makes sense or just say that she discovers letters that incriminate, expose or embarass (which ever it is) about her ancestors in her family’s history, letters drawing her to the mysterious world of tarot. Lucy develops an uncanny ability to read the cards, but her new talent doesn’t go unnoticed; she unwittingly draws the attention of Gavin, a sexy artist on a mission of his own, and of the Divinatory Guild of Savannah, an enigmatic organization with historical ties to Lucy’s family.

The Guild’s leader tasks Lucythis read awkward for me - you might just say Lucy must find the Empress card....then state the outcome if she doesn't - that builds the conflict. - but also as a dabbler with Tarot cards - I know that you can get a deck with the Empress anywhere - so maybe you should insert something about it being a mystical deck or something or whatever it is, otherwise it doesn't feel like much conflict with finding The Empress, an invaluable tarot card last believed to have been held by Lucy’s grandmother. With Gavin as her partner, she begins the hunt, hoping that by finding the card, she’ll unravel the secrets in her family’s past. When Lucy’s quest becomes more complicated than expectedI suggest mentioning the obstacle or the major one that causes the leader to react, the leader of the Guild shows his impatience by ordering a devastating murder. Now Lucy’s in a frantic race to uncover the mystery of The Empress and prevent the Guild from killing again.

Throughout TAROT’S KISS, the main character conducts several tarot readings. These card layouts or "spreads" are included in the book so that interested readers can learn to use tarot cards while reading the story. As an experienced card reader, I know that teen girls in particular are drawn to this skill.
I agree with someone else - delete this paragraph it's not necessary - let the agent/editor assume that teenage girls will be drawn to it
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
choculagrl
Overall, I think you've got the start to a great query. Just tighten it up a bit. And something I've read (and someone may have pointed it out) is remember What's the MC's goal, the conflict and result (I think that's right)

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