Revised Query The Woodlands

[LaurenNTaylor]

Dear....

Rosa has to run, her life depends on it. Another life now depends on her too: The one growing inside her.

Rosa is an impulsive 16-year-old with a smart mouth and a fearless attitude. She lives in the Woodlands, the settlement built in Russia by the survivors of World War 5. The Superiors regulate the towns with cruelty, fear and creative forms of punishment, like carving love hearts into offenders’ chests.

After doing the unthinkable and standing up to her teacher, Rosa is beaten unconscious. She wakes up 4 months later, pregnant. Later discovering she is part of a sinister plan to eliminate families and control the genetic composition of the population.

Burdened with a baby, she escapes; encountering other fugitives along the way, including a love she had long given up hope of seeing again. Together they face wolves, bears, starvation and the ever-present threat of the Superiors, as they battle their way across the Russian wilderness towards the Mongolian border.

I am seeking representation for my completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 86,000 words THE WOODLANDS.

I wrote this story because I felt compelled to. Two months ago I had an idea, it led me to my computer I started typing and found I couldn’t stop. Despite my 3 children pulling at my arms and trying to break my ‘zombie state’, as they put it. I adore young adult fiction believing it to have honesty and an addictive readability. This was the most enjoyable and unbelievable experience. I have started book 2 of what I hope will be a trilogy.

Thank you very much for your consideration.

[klbritt]

Dear....

Rosa has to run, her life depends on it. Another life now depends on her too: The one growing inside her. Your hook is there, but I think it needs to be stronger and paired with the paragraph below. Try:

Sixteen-year-old Rosa wakes up in a hospital to a swollen belly with fluttering movements under her skin four months after she stood up to her teacher. She discovers she is part of a sinister[not sure I would use the word sinister] plan to eliminate the need for families and gain control the genetic composition of the population. Rosa escapes and is on the run from the oppressive Russian regulators of post World War 5 called the Superiors. The life growing inside of her spurs her onward out of the Woodlands where survivors of the war live in fear of the cruel forms of punishment the Superiors enforce.

Rosa is an impulsive 16-year-old with a smart mouth and a fearless attitude. She lives in the Woodlands, the settlement built in Russia by the survivors of World War 5. The Superiors regulate the towns with cruelty, fear and creative forms of punishment, like carving love hearts into offenders’ chests.

After doing the unthinkable and standing up to her teacher, Rosa is beaten unconscious. She wakes up 4 months later, pregnant. Later discovering she is part of a sinister plan to eliminate families and control the genetic composition of the population.

Burdened with a baby [is she still pregnant during her escape or did she have the baby on the run?], she escapes; encountering other fugitives along the way, including [Name?]a love she had long given up hope of seeing again[Why? What happened? Did she think he was dead?]. Together they face wolves, bears, starvation and the ever-present threat of the Superiors[Not much punch at the end of the query - what dangers do the Superiors really pose?], as they battle their way across the Russian wilderness towards the Mongolian border[Why the Mongolian border? Are they guaranteed protection or perhaps it's *rumored* to be a safe haven..?].

I am seeking representation for my[We know this] completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 86,000 words THE WOODLANDS.

THE WOODLANDS is a Young Adult Dystopian Adventure novel complete at 86,000 words.

I wrote this story because I felt compelled to. Two months ago I had an idea, it led me to my computer I started typing and found I couldn’t stop. Despite my 3 children pulling at my arms and trying to break my ‘zombie state’, as they put it. I adore young adult fiction believing it to have honesty and an addictive readability. This was the most enjoyable and unbelievable experience. I have started book 2 of what I hope will be a trilogy. [Good info, but not needed in your query]

Thank you very much for your consideration.

===========

Sorry that my critique is so colorful - your query has good info, I just think you need a little help organizing it. Keep it up - I think I've revised my current query like 8 times so far...

[kelseyebeach]

I really like the concept. Please see my comments below.

Dear....

Rosa has to run, her life depends on it. Another life now depends on her too: The one growing inside her. [The first sentence is a run-on, which immediately puts me off. The second sentence is also a little awkward. I personally like the structure of the first two paragraphs better than klbritt's rewrite. Maybe something like this:]

Rosa must run to save her life and the life of a child implanted in her against her will.
Rosa must run. Her life depends on it. But saving her life means bearing a child implanted in her womb against her will.

Rosa is an impulsive 16-year-old with a smart mouth and a fearless attitude. She lives in the Woodlands, the settlement built in Russia by the survivors of World War 5. The Superiors regulate the towns with cruelty, fear and creative forms of punishment, like carving love hearts into offenders’ chests. [What's a love heart? Is the offender someone who broke a love-based crime? Also, this sentence seems wordy. Consider with fear and cruel punishments, like carving hearts into offenders' chests.]

After doing the unthinkable and standing up to her teacher, Rosa is beaten unconscious. [Standing up to a teacher doesn't seem unthinkable. Can you give us more details? Is the teacher teaching her to make bombs? Is the teacher "savage" or "heartless"? Did she spit in his face?] She wakes up 4 months later, pregnant. [This seems too brief. Pregnant and imprisoned?] Later discovering s She is part of a sinister plan to eliminate families and control the genetic composition of the population. [Why are the Superiors trying to do this?]

Burdened with a baby, she escapes; encountering other fugitives along the way, including a love she had long given up hope of seeing again. Together they face wolves, bears, starvation and the ever-present threat of the Superiors, as they battle their way across the Russian wilderness towards the Mongolian border. [Woah, woah, woah. There's a lot going on in this paragraph. I think we need more personal detail on Rosa and better pacing to get us to the border. Here are a few questions to get you thinking: How does she feel about the baby? Are all the fugitives like her? Why is she going to Mongolia? Where the heck did her love come from?]

Here's one idea. I'm making up details, because I don't know your story.

Burdened with a baby, she escapes. She falls in with other fugitives from the Woodlands, all desperate to reach a haven they have only heard of in stories, across the Mongolian border. Among them is the boy who smiled at her in history class, who she had long thought dead. Together they face wild animals, starvation, and the Superiors' spies and bounty hunters as they battle their way across the Russian wilderness.

I am seeking representation for my completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 86,000 words THE WOODLANDS.

I am seeking representation for my young adult dystopian novel THE WOODLANDS, complete at 86,000 words.

I wrote this story because I felt compelled to. Two months ago I had an idea, it led me to my computer I started typing and found I couldn’t stop. Despite my 3 children pulling at my arms and trying to break my ‘zombie state’, as they put it. I adore young adult fiction believing it to have honesty and an addictive readability. This was the most enjoyable and unbelievable experience. I have started book 2 of what I hope will be a trilogy. [This is interesting, but do not include it in your query. You say you wrote the book in 2 months with a lot of distractions. This implies your book is rushed and unpolished. You might want to take some time to edit before sending it out to agents.]

Thank you very much for your consideration.

Again, I love the concept, and assuming the book is polished, I'd be interested to read it. Good luck with your novel and your querying!