YA fantasy: Liar's Light

[kelseyebeach]

Thank you all in advance for your help!

Dear AGENT,

After [some connection to agent], I am submitting a query for my young adult fantasy novel, LIAR’S LIGHT, complete at 81,000 words.

Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. When she does talk, she lies, especially about her parents abandoning her at birth. The one thing she can't hide is that she has no magic, when everyone around her can control the forces of Life, Earth, Fire, or Water.

Calisson heads from her tiny village to the vibrant capital of Viliad to track down her parents. She befriends two people who can help. The garrulous prince gives her entry to the royal court and offers sympathy and openness she has never known before. The quick-tempered Tev knows a lot about Calisson’s family but shares nothing of herself. Calisson wavers between spying on Tev to learn her secrets and fighting the desperate need to trust her to learn about her parents.

Through clever tricks and strategic overhearing, Calisson pieces together that her parents are fighting a ruthless king. He wants to build an empire that would crush Viliad. The more Calisson digs into the plot, the more she draws the attention of the king and his forces.

Calisson is in danger. Her parents are too. And Tev may be the king’s assassin.

Calisson’s one hope for saving herself and the people she loves is the magic growing inside her, a magic more powerful than the world has ever known.

LIAR’S LIGHT stands on its own or can be the first in a series. Queries for the second and third novels are available upon request. LIAR’S LIGHT would appeal to readers of Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Shipple]

I don't think there is anything that definitely needs to be changed about this query letter, which is probably why you didn't get any comments up until this point.

But I'll give you a few of my opinions.

Thank you all in advance for your help!

Dear AGENT,

After [some connection to agent], I am submitting a query for my young adult fantasy novel, LIAR’S LIGHT, complete at 81,000 words.

Twelve-year-old 12 isn't a bad age, but it is one I associate more with MG than YA. You might consider changing the age to 13 just to put Calisson in her teens. I wouldn't think it would change much about the story to do that. Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. I really like this. When she does talk, she lies, especially about her parents abandoning her at birth. The one thing she can't hide is that she has no magic, when everyone around her can control the forces of Life, Earth, Fire, or Water.

Calisson heads from her tiny village to the vibrant capital of Viliad to track down her parents. She befriends two people who can help. The garrulous prince gives her entry to the royal court and offers sympathy and openness she has never known before. The quick-tempered Tev knows a lot about Calisson’s family but shares nothing of herself. Calisson wavers between spying on Tev to learn her secrets and fighting the desperate need to trust her to learn about her parents.

Through clever tricks and strategic overhearing, Calisson pieces together that her parents are fighting a ruthless king. He wants to build an empire that would crush Viliad. The more Calisson digs into the plot, the more she draws the attention of the king and his forces. OK, so at first it sounds like her parents aren't fighting the king of Calisson's country but some horrible king in a different country. You could say something about "fighting their ruthless king" to make it a little more clear.

Calisson is in danger. Her parents are too. And Tev may be the king’s assassin.

Calisson’s one hope for saving herself and the people she loves is the magic growing inside her, a magic more powerful than the world has ever known. This is pretty cool, although I'm a little skeptical of the timeliness of the whole "now she has magic" thing, but I think you could definitely explain that better in the book, so I'm more curious about the why now of it than wary of it.

LIAR’S LIGHT stands on its own or can be the first in a series. Queries for the second and third novels are available upon request. LIAR’S LIGHT would appeal to readers of Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley. Love Tamora Pierce and Robin McKinley. You may want to consider trying to add in a more recent author too, but I don't think that's a big deal.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Honestly, I didn't have much criticism. It's short, it's well-written, and it's pretty intriguing. Hmm, looking back over it, I guess it could stand to be a little shorter. I'm just not sure what I would cut myself.

[kelseyebeach]

Shipple, thank you for the advice. I'll think about your critiques and rework the query. I appreciate the help!

[midenianscholar]

Overall this is quite good! There were just a few things that made me pause.

Dear AGENT,

After [some connection to agent], I am submitting a query for my young adult fantasy novel, LIAR’S LIGHT, complete at 81,000 words.

Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. I don't see how picking pockets helps her quietness. Reading it for the third time, it occurs to me that you mean that her quietness is an asset to her pickpocketing. But the first several times I read it, I thought you meant picking pockets helped her quietness. Maybe rephrase a little? When she does talk, she lies, especially about her parents abandoning her at birth. The one thing she can't hide is that she has no magic, when everyone around her can control the forces of Life, Earth, Fire, or Water.

Calisson heads from her tiny village to the vibrant capital of Viliad to track down her parents. She befriends two people who can help. The garrulous prince gives her entry to the royal court and offers sympathy and openness she has never known before. The prince is good to mention because it is a gentle hint at romance, but I'm confused that he shows up in this sentence and then apparently disappears from the query. The quick-tempered Tev knows a lot about Calisson’s family but shares nothing of herself. Calisson wavers between spying on Tev to learn her secrets and fighting the desperate need to trust her to learn about her parents.

Through clever tricks and strategic overhearing, Calisson pieces together that her parents are fighting a ruthless king. He wants to build an empire that would crush Viliad. The more Calisson digs into the plot, the more she draws the attention of the king and his forces. How does this effect her and the nice prince?

Calisson is in danger. Her parents are too. And Tev may be the king’s assassin.

Calisson’s one hope for saving herself and the people she loves is the magic growing inside her, a magic more powerful than the world has ever known. I feel a little skeptical here, partially because part of the hook at the beginning was that Calisson doesn't have magic. It seems like an easy out that she's under all this pressure but magical awesome powers come in to save her. I know this is probably more fleshed out in the book itself. But perhaps clarifying at the beginning that she doesn't NOT have magic but that it hasn't manifested yet, or toning down the end so it doesn't feel like she's becoming the Avatar. It feels too convenient to have a magic-less person become the most magical of them all in the space of a few paragraphs.

LIAR’S LIGHT stands on its own or can be the first in a series. Queries for the second and third novels are available upon request. LIAR’S LIGHT would appeal to readers of Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Nicole R]

This sounds like a fun adventure, and I already love the title! I also agree with what the previous commenters said, especially about clarifying whether the "evil" king is in their own kingdom or not.

A few other suggestions:

Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. Does it matter to the story that Calisson is quiet or simply that she lies? If it's the second, I'd start with: When twelve-year-old Calisson talks, she lies. Especially about... It helps when she picks pockets. When she does talk, she lies, especially about her parents abandoning her at birth. I'm assuming she thinks her parents abandoned her because she didn't have magic?The one thing she can't hide is that she has no magic, when everyone around her can control the forces of Life, Earth, Fire, or Water.

Calisson heads from her tiny village This is a logistical nit-pick, but it's sort of hard to be a pickpocket in a tiny village. to the vibrant capital of Viliad to track down her parents. She befriends two people who can help. The garrulous prince gives her entry to the royal court You make me want to know why!and offers sympathy and openness she has never known before. The quick-tempered Tev At first, I thought Tev was simply the prince's name, not the intro of Calisson's second friend. Also, if the prince has a name, it seems odd to not include it here.knows a lot about Calisson’s family but shares nothing of herself. Calisson wavers between spying on Tev to learn her secrets and fighting the desperate need to trust her to learn about her parents.

Through clever tricks and strategic overhearing, Calisson pieces together that her parents are fighting a ruthless king. He wants to build an empire that would crush Viliad You mean Viliad is the country, right? In the previous paragraph, I took it to mean the capital city, but not necessarily the name of the country itself.. The more Calisson digs into the plot, the more she draws the attention of the king and his forces.

Calisson is in danger. Her parents are too. And Tev may be the king’s assassin.

Calisson’s one hope for saving herself and the people she loves is the magic growing inside her, a magic more powerful than the world has ever known.

LIAR’S LIGHT stands on its own or can be the first in a series. Queries for the second and third novels are available upon request. LIAR’S LIGHT would appeal to readers of Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Good luck!

[kelseyebeach]

midenianscholar and Nicole R, thank you for the feedback!

[klbritt]

I really like the story you've created within your query and I agree with Shipple about Calisson's age. It does seem to be more of a middle grade age. Also, if there is any kind of romance with the prince, perhaps 12 is a little young...but maybe it's just friendship. One other suggestion is to shorten the overall query. It seems a little lengthy, especially with 7 paragraphs and then adding in your salutation...

==============

Dear AGENT,

After [some connection to agent], I am submitting a query for my young adult fantasy novel, LIAR’S LIGHT, complete at 81,000 words.

Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. When she does talk, she lies, especially about her parents abandoning her at birth. The one thing she can't hide is that she has no magic, when everyone around her can control the forces of Life, Earth, Fire, or Water. [Your first sentence needs to really grab the agent's attention, at as it stands "Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet" is not all that exciting. If you started with something like: 12yo Calisson can't stop the lies that fly from her lips, or the insatiable urge to pick the pockets of the villagers of ...name of village...]

Calisson heads [heads is to passive, try flees or leaves in search of] from her tiny village to the vibrant capital of Viliad to track down her parents. She befriends two people who can help. The garrulous prince gives her entry to the royal court and offers sympathy and openness she has never known before. The quick-tempered Tev knows a lot about Calisson’s family but shares nothing of herself. Calisson wavers between spying on Tev to learn her secrets and fighting the desperate need to trust her to learn about her parents. [Do the prince and Tev accompany her on her journey? Does the prince leave her at the royal court? This paragraph leaves me questioning the friendships.]

Through clever tricks and strategic overhearing, Calisson pieces together that her parents are fighting a ruthless king [Who is this king? We want to know his name]. He wants to build an empire that would crush Viliad. The more Calisson digs into the plot [digs into the plot suggests she's reading...try: The more Calisson discovers...], the more she draws the attention of the king and his forces.

Calisson is in danger. Her parents are too. And Tev may be the king’s assassin. [I really like this line, but to me, it almost sounds like the hook of the query]

Calisson’s one hope for saving herself and the people she loves is the magic growing inside her, a magic more powerful than the world has ever known. [Like the others said, in your first paragraph you told us Calisson doesn't have any power, but now she does? Leaves me confused. Maybe you could say something along the lines of while on her journey, weird things start to happen, and tell us about the powers she's developing. Maybe even throw some humor into it saying she finds out she's a late bloomer...]

LIAR’S LIGHT stands on its own or can be the first in a series. Queries for the second and third novels are available upon request. LIAR’S LIGHT would appeal to readers of Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley. [Maybe instead of telling us additional queries are available, you could mention that samples of the 2nd and 3rd novels are available...which leads me to ask: are the 2nd and 3rd MS completed??]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[kelseyebeach]

klbritt, thanks for the feedback. I'm working on the rewrite now.

[Brendon77]

Rewrite reduces errors.

[Literary Flamingo]

I'm just going to go through and give my thoughts as I read them. I'm trying to convey and instant reaction, as if I were an agent reading this.


Twelve-year-old Calisson is quiet. It helps when she picks pockets. When she does talk, she lies, especially about her parents abandoning her at birth. The one thing she can't hide is that she has no magic, when everyone around her can control the forces of Life, Earth, Fire, or Water.

This is good, but you might want to make a connection between her lack of magic and her parents abandoning her, if that's applicable. Also, do we need to know that she's quiet? Finally, you may want to make her thirteen; twelve is a little young for YA.

Calisson heads from her tiny village to the vibrant capital of Viliad to track down her parents. She befriends two people who can help. The garrulous prince gives her entry to the royal court and offers sympathy and openness she has never known before. The quick-tempered Tev knows a lot about Calisson’s family but shares nothing of herself. Calisson wavers between spying on Tev to learn her secrets and fighting the desperate need to trust her to learn about her parents.

She befriends two people who can help is a bit awkward. I infer that the garrulous prince is one of the two people and Tev is the other, but that needs to be spelled out. Also, spying on Tev to learn her secrets is a little odd. Even if the secrets are about her, they're still Tev's secrets, so shouldn't that be his secrets? Still, you have my attention and you've given me a cast and a setting.

Through clever tricks and strategic overhearing, Calisson pieces together that her parents are fighting a ruthless king. He wants to build an empire that would crush Viliad. The more Calisson digs into the plot, the more she draws the attention of the king and his forces.

Way too much is happening here. This should be slightly longer, maybe. Love "strategic overhearing", that's a great turn of phrase.

Calisson is in danger. Her parents are too. And Tev may be the king’s assassin.

Now it just seems like we're jumping around at random. Tev being the king's assassin seems like a good plot twist, but it just comes out of nowhere.

Calisson’s one hope for saving herself and the people she loves is the magic growing inside her, a magic more powerful than the world has ever known.

This is okay, if not a bit abrupt.

LIAR’S LIGHT stands on its own or can be the first in a series. Queries for the second and third novels are available upon request. LIAR’S LIGHT would appeal to readers of Tamora Pierce or Robin McKinley.

One thing: should you tell the agent about the second and third novels? I've read that some agents find that obsessive. The comparison to Pierce seems nice. The lack of a word count is glaring, though, and the only reason I know this is YA is because of the post. I would have guessed MG otherwise.

I think this just needs a little bit of work. You have a plot here.