Newly Revised Query for YA Supernatural -- Updated

[Mark.W.Carson]

Sixteen-year-old Lucas Fuller barely recognizes his face without cuts and bruises. Bullies can smell fear, and he's never had the balls to fight back. When the girl he's madly in love with rejects him to stay with her abusive boyfriend, it's the final blow to a life too riddled with pain and loss to continue living.

Instead of the nothingness he's hoping for in death, Lucas finds Hell, a beautiful city full of contradictions and danger. The demons living here speak about free will and choices, but because he's seen as weak Lucas is a shol, the lowest caste of the underworld. For him, those don't exist. His afterlife is wrought with labor and painful punishment for the smallest offense.

Cast into deadly arena battles for one such minor infraction, he has no choice but to fight. No longer held back by the limitations of having a body, Lucas finds out what a soul is truly capable of. The years of taking beatings have only bottled up his rage, and the cap has come flying off.

The ferocious new Lucas manages to not only survive but become the greatest arena champion Hell has ever seen, impressing the Princes who rule there to do something that has never been done in their history. He's offered the chance to leave his caste, and command his own army. All they demand in return is loyalty. To prove they alone own him, Lucas must go back to Earth and kill the girl his heart won't let him forget, or do something no one has ever dared –tell the Princes of Hell, no, and face a fate worse than death.


TITLE is a YA fantasy with contemporary elements complete at FILLER words, and stands alone, but has series potential. It uses familiar concepts such as Heaven and Hell in a unique and intriguing way, but without any religious agenda. I believe it would appeal to fans of Percy Jackson and I am Number Four.

[klbritt]

BLUE suggested changes RED consider deleting PURPLE my comments

Sixteen-year-old Lucas Fuller can't remember a day his face hasn't been covered with barely recognizes his face without cuts and bruises. Bullies can smell fear, and he's never had the balls to fight back. When the girl he's madly in love with rejects him to stay with her abusive boyfriend, it's the final blow to a life too riddled with pain and loss to continue living. [Do you really want to talk about teen suicide in your first paragraph? Could you somehow turn it into a paragraph how Lucas has just found out he's a shol? Or maybe begin with 16-yr-old Lucas...finds that death is not what he was hoping for...and then go into the bit about the bruises and bullies?]

Instead of the nothingness he's hoping for in death, Lucas finds that Hell, is a beautiful city full of contradictions and danger. Because he's considered weak, Lucas becomes is a shol, the lowest caste of the underworld, where rank is eternal, and souls can still die. His natural instinct not to fight back Not fighting back is no longer an option. He's got to learn fast if he wants to survive.

Cast into deadly arena battles for a minor infraction, his new skills get put to the test. It turns out that the years of taking his beatings have only bottled up his rage, and the cap has come flying off. The ferocious new Lucas is cast into deadly battles and with all his pent of anger from years of taking abuse, he manages to do something that he has never been done before: win. He impresses the Princes of Hell who enough for them to offers him a new rank, and his own army to command. All she they asks in return is loyalty. To prove his allegiance, they alone own him, Lucas must go back to Earth and kill the one girl his heart won't let him forget. His only other option is to do something nobody has ever dared –tell the Princes of Hell no, and or face a fate far worse than Hell or death can offer.

TITLE is a YA urban fantasy with romantic elements complete at FILLER words, and stands alone, but has series potential. It uses familiar concepts such as Heaven and Hell in a unique and intriguing way, but without any religious agenda. I believe it would appeal to fans of Percy Jackson and I am Number Four. [Let agent decide this]

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This revision is much better than the others that you have submitted - good work!

[Mark.W.Carson]

Thanks for the comments, Kristie.

I do want to talk about the suicide, though, I did try to soften it a bit. I understand your change suggestions at the beginning, but I don't quite think they fit perfectly. I was trying to get across that he, for a while, no longer has the bruises because things are different, if only for a while.

I also need to have the reason for why he's in the lowest caste, and the Princes (four Hes, sorry girls, not my rules, I'm going based on apocrypha)

[LurkingVirologist]

You know the [drill]

"Sixteen-year-old Lucas Fuller barely recognizes his face without cuts and bruises. Bullies can smell fear, and he's never had the balls to fight back. When the girl he's madly in love with rejects him to stay with [for] her abusive boyfriend, it's the final blow [can you think of a phrase other than "final blow" or "last straw," it's the end of your hook line and "final blow" feels a little stale] to a life too riddled with pain and loss to continue living.

Instead of the nothingness he's hoping [hoped] for in death, Lucas finds [arrives in] Hell, a beautiful city full of contradictions and danger. Because he's considered weak, Lucas is a shol, the lowest caste of the underworld, where rank is eternal, and souls can still die. Not fighting back [weakness? surrender? something like that] is no longer an option. He's got to learn fast if he wants to survive.

Cast into deadly arena battles for a minor infraction, his new skills get put to the test. It turns out that the years of taking his beatings have only [A lifetime of abuse has] bottled up his rage, and [when] the cap has come flying off.[,] The ferocious new Lucas manages something that has never been done before. He impresses the Princes of Hell[.] enough for them to offer him [In return for] a new rank, and his own army to command.[,] All they ask in return [for] is loyalty. To prove they alone own him, Lucas must go back to Earth and kill the girl his heart won't let him forget. His only other option is to do something nobody has ever dared –tell the Princes of Hell no, and face a fate worse than Hell or death can offer. [But Lucas ... queue emotional transformation/defiance/rebellion/etc.]

TITLE is a YA urban fantasy with romantic elements complete at FILLER words, and stands alone, but has series potential. It uses familiar concepts such as Heaven and Hell in a unique and intriguing way, but without any religious agenda. I believe it would appeal to fans of Percy Jackson and I am Number Four."

Pretty good start. I think all the elements are there, they could just use a bit of streamlining. I would like to see some heavier shading of his emotional stakes though. If you open with suicide, then hell, then the potential for a bullied victim to be given immense power and dispensation to avenge himself, something crazy is gonna happen. To quote Abe Lincoln "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Your last sentence should really hammer that point.

[Shipple]

I think this is a pretty good query. I would like to say, however, that I managed to figure out that the Princes were princes and not a singular princess, but it took me a few moments of thinking to get there. For some reason "Princes" just looks like a singluar Princess of Hell. You might want to think about how to phrase that to make it more clear. Perhaps because it's written as "the Princes of Hell".

[Mark.W.Carson]

Thanks, Shipple.

I may go with 'All four Princes' (Because, based on that, there are obviously 4) There's also a council, but i don't want to get into too detailed specifics.

Unfortunately, this, like many queries doesn't allow enough freedom and room to truly get the entire breadth of the story out there. .

[LaurenNTaylor]

Sixteen-year-old Lucas Fuller barely recognizes his face without cuts and bruises. Bullies can smell fear, and he's never had the balls to fight back. When the girl he's madly in love with rejects him to stay with her abusive boyfriend, it's the final blow to a life too riddled with pain and loss to continue living. can you rephrase this?

Instead of the nothingness he's hoping for in death, Lucas finds Hell, a beautiful city full of contradictions and danger. The demons living here speak about free will and choices, but because he's seen as weak Lucas is a shol, the lowest caste of the underworld. For him, those don't exist. His afterlife is wrought with labor and painful punishment for the smallest offense.

Cast into deadly arena battles for one such a minor infraction, he has no choice but to fight. No longer held back by the limitations of having a his body, Lucas finds out what a soul is truly capable of. The years of taking beatings have only bottled up his rage, and the cap has come flying off.

The ferocious new Lucas manages to not only survive but become the greatest arena champion Hell has ever seen. Impressing the Princes who rule there to do something that has never been done in their history. H, he's offered the chance to leave his caste, and command his own army. All they demand in return is loyalty. To prove they alone own him, Lucas must go back return to Earth and kill the girl his heart won't let him forget, or do something no one has ever dared –tell the Princes of Hell, no, and face a fate worse than death.

I like it. Cool idea. I'm very new to this so I only made a few changes just to cut down any unnecessary words. Suggested deletions in read, bits I've added blue. The purple bit is just a comment.