Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

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Hillsy
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Re: Query--Sendek

Post by Hillsy » January 19th, 2010, 10:44 am

OK. I think you might need to rehit the drawing board here so i'm going to simply explain why and then you can choose to ignore me or not....=0)

All i'm going to do is colour code your sentances like this.
Background
Character Building
Plot
Forshadowing (Foreshadowing isn't plot because you arn't showing anything of what happens, only hinting at what might.)

---------------------------------------

Dear Mr. _________,

The planet Sendek has chosen to follow the path of science, but its ancient history was filled with mage and dragons. Although they have chosen to forget this past, the magic is still present, waiting just under the surface to reassert itself.

Talia Shannon and Commander Sutton both have Mage blood and gifts they keep hidden until they meet each other. Talia Shannon has dreamed of an alien invasion since the day she was born. In these dreams she is hunted because of her ability to glean power from the sun and communicate with the trees. Commander Sutton has always been able to sense the emotions of those around him, but even he is not aware of all the gifts he possesses. From the moment they meet, Commander Sutton throws Talia off balance. . He accuses her of being a traitor and a spy for the rebellious faction called the Dragnot

The Dragnot have made contact with the aliens of Talia’s dreams, the Dragumana human-dragon hybrid created by mage thousands of years earlier on Sendek. After being exiled from Sendek, the Draguman spent centuries trying to return to exact revenge on the human species of Sendek. Now that they have returned, Talia and the Commander must learn to trust each other and embrace their gifts in order to fight these magical creatures.

See the problem?....No plot, well, nowhere near enough. What happens, as I can tell, is.....She meets sutton. He accuses her of being a traitor for a rebellion. The rebellion have contacted an alien race whom she has dreamt about.

What you have to do is sit down and in, say, 150 words describe the plot as you would to yourself (meaning someone who knows the world intimately.) Now take that 150 and make it Dramatic ("Talia has always dreamt the Draguman would invade - now they're HERE!" *Jarring chords*). Now you've got a plot to wrap necessary detail around. For example, Suttons Empathy has zero impact on the plot (as far as I can see). If it's important, say so, weave it in. If it's just a cool character trait, save it for the novel. Their Mage Blood seems superfluous. The fact the Draguman have been exiled and want revenge IS important. Weave it in!

You've obviously put a lot of time and effort into your world building which bodes well for the novel. Howerver, keep it out of the query save the bare minimum needed to understand the plot. The plot is what agents care about over everything else. I had to restart my query 6 times before I realised that.

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Re: Query--Sendek

Post by Krista G. » January 22nd, 2010, 12:28 am

Grr. I've tried to type this message out three times now, and lost it every time... (Darn laptops and their stupid thing-a-ma-jiggy mouses (mice?) right in the middle of the keys.) Anyway, I agree with Dakota: The struggle between science and magic is the intriguing aspect of the query, especially as it relates to Talia and Landry's inner and outer conflicts. Focus on that.

Good luck with this. I'll be interested to see where it goes.
Author of THE REGENERATED MAN (G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers, Winter 2015)
Represented by Kate Schafer Testerman of kt literary
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charity_bradford
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Re: Query--Sendek

Post by charity_bradford » February 2nd, 2010, 2:04 pm

Thank you everyone for all of your comments. I have struggled to revise this, but here is my attempt--just no time or peace and quiet. Is this heading in the right direction?

REVISION 3

Dear Mr. _________,

Although the planet Sendek has chosen to embrace the path of science and technology, the magic is waiting just under the surface to reassert itself.

Talia Shannon feels safe within her scientific world, but her very essence is magical. From birth she has been able to absorb energy from the suns rise and communicate with the natural world around her. Fearful of discovery, she keeps her talents hidden while trying to reconcile the two halves of her life. Her protective walls begin to crumble when she meets Commander Landry Sutton. After accusing her of treason, Sutton comes dangerously close to her secret and unwillingly reveals his ability to sense other people’s emotions. Talia must learn to trust and cooperate with Sutton to save their world from the real traitors.

The Dragnot have made contact with the aliens of Talia’s nightmares. This race of beings were created by a mage from Sendek's past, and later exiled to a distant planet. They have returned with superior science and technology to claim the planet as their own. Only the revival of magic can give the people of Sendek a fighting chance.

Sendek is an 85,000 word Science Fantasy novel, written in first person.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
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christi
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Re: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

Post by christi » February 2nd, 2010, 3:00 pm

I think this is an enormous improvement. And I feel your pain. I'm on revision five now :-) But these people have been a huge help to me.
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

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Tycoon
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Re: Query--Sendek

Post by Tycoon » February 2nd, 2010, 4:54 pm

Im no pro--- im learning daily, but Ill toss in a few things I have learned along the way for format.


[quote="charity_bradford"]Thank you everyone for all of your comments. I have struggled to revise this, but here is my attempt--just no time or peace and quiet. Is this heading in the right direction?

REVISION 3

Dear Mr. _________,

Although the planet Sendek has chosen to embrace the path of science and technology, the magic is waiting just under the surface to reassert itself.

Talia Shannon feels safe within her scientific world, but her very essence is magical. From birth she has been able to absorb energy from the suns rise and communicate with the natural world around her. Fearful of discovery, she keeps her talents hidden while trying to reconcile the two halves of her life. Her protective walls begin to crumble when she meets Commander Landry Sutton. After accusing her of treason, Sutton comes dangerously close to her secret and unwillingly reveals his ability to sense other people’s emotions. Talia must learn to trust and cooperate with Sutton to save their world from the real traitors.

The Dragnot have made contact with the aliens of Talia’s nightmares. This race of beings were created by a mage from Sendek's past, and later exiled to a distant planet. They have returned with superior science and technology to claim the planet as their own. Only the revival of magic can give the people of Sendek a fighting chance.

Sendek is an 85,000 word Science Fantasy novel, written in first person. A Complete manuscript is available at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. <---- Add something like this... Show confidence!

Thank you for your time and consideration. Most agents say you don't need to thank them for their time or patience, they state its their jobs.

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charity_bradford
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Re: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

Post by charity_bradford » February 2nd, 2010, 10:26 pm

Woot! I'll take that it is an improvement over the first draft. I think my brain is fried too, but there are some great recommendations here.

Thanks, and I'll keep plugging away. Anyone with queries up right now let me know, I want to return the favor for whatever it may be worth. :)
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
http://charitywrites.blogspot.com/

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christi
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Re: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

Post by christi » February 2nd, 2010, 10:51 pm

I'd appreciate it if you can look over my Time Tourism query and tell me where there's room for improvement, if you have time. :-)
Would you sign my story for a Klondike bar?

http://christigoddard.blogspot.com/

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Re: Query--Sendek

Post by Yoshima » February 2nd, 2010, 11:38 pm

charity_bradford wrote:Thank you everyone for all of your comments. I have struggled to revise this, but here is my attempt--just no time or peace and quiet. Is this heading in the right direction?

REVISION 3

Dear Mr. _________,

Although the planet Sendek has chosen to embrace the path of science and technology, the magic is waiting just under the surface to reassert itself (I gotta tell ya, I'm not crazy about "reassert." It makes magic sound like a person. Otherwise, I think this is an interesting start!).

Talia Shannon feels safe within her scientific world, but her very essence is magical. From birth she has been able to absorb energy from the suns rise (sunrise) and communicate with the natural world around her (Cool! I'm getting an Avatar-like image (which is a very good thing--loved the visuals in that movie.).). Fearful of discovery, she keeps her talents hidden while trying to reconcile the two halves of her life. Her protective walls (hmm..."protective walls" made me pause a little (not in the good way). Are there any other words/phrases you like better?) begin to crumble when she meets Commander Landry Sutton. After accusing her of treason, Sutton comes dangerously close to her secret and unwillingly reveals his ability to sense other people’s emotions. Talia must learn to trust and cooperate with Sutton to save their world from the real traitors. (maybe add a dash and "The Dragnot" in for punch. It'll help transition to the next paragraph, too. Much better paragraph than the previous versions!! You are heading in the right direction! :) )

The Dragnot have made contact with the aliens of Talia’s nightmares (I already knew about her nightmares, but a first-time reader would be scratching their head, I think.). This race of beings were (was) created by a mage from Sendek's past, and later exiled to a distant planet. They have returned with superior science and technology to claim the planet as their own. Only the revival of magic can give the people of Sendek a fighting chance. (Reconnecting with your herione would help tie this up neater.)

Sendek is an 85,000 word Science Fantasy novel, written in first person.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Getting better! Keep at it. You'll have a smokin' query before this is all said and done. And that blank up there will read "super cool agent who's going to flip and beg you for pages." ;)

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charity_bradford
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Re: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

Post by charity_bradford » February 4th, 2010, 1:37 pm

christi wrote:I'd appreciate it if you can look over my Time Tourism query and tell me where there's room for improvement, if you have time. :-)
I'm heading that way now.
Getting better! Keep at it. You'll have a smokin' query before this is all said and done. And that blank up there will read "super cool agent who's going to flip and beg you for pages." ;)
Thanks, I hope some super cool agent will flip when I'm ready to finally take the plunge. Knowing it is better makes it easier to keep working on it. I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts.
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
http://charitywrites.blogspot.com/

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Re: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

Post by Lunetta22 » February 23rd, 2010, 12:46 am

I really like the idea. I like it when sci-fi meets fantasy. (Like Star Wars or books by LE Modesitt Jr.) The third revision looks good to me! Good luck with this!

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charity_bradford
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Re: Query--Sendek--3rd revision page 2

Post by charity_bradford » February 7th, 2013, 1:14 pm

Well, it's been three years since I last posted on this thread and the forums. If any of you are still around, I wanted to tell you thank you once again for all your help with my query. The suggestions you made helped me focus my story in addition to the query.

I'm happy to announce that my debut scifi/fantasy mashup will be released into the world via WiDo Publishing on February 19th. The Magic Wakes was a long time coming but I'm very proud of the final result.

Image You can read the blurb, proglogue and 1st chapter, and watch the trailer at http://charitybradford.com
If you are a mother and a writer you have to make the time to write. No one is going to give it to you.
http://charitywrites.blogspot.com/

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