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Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 3:21 am
by arvales12
I'd like to see what you think about my work.

Here it is.


Set in the magical world of Unibeltrasia. When Prince Tamiron Lluch of the Empire of the Far East rebelled against his own, the peace and stability of the region is now in jeopardy for the fall of empire itself means the utter destruction of the seven remaining behind it. Now the Prime Minister took authority when the king fell ill about the news and sent out his diplomats to bring the remaining kingdoms together to stop the impending threat of the Renagade Prince.

Evangeline, Ravaen, Sevidon, Glaivel, Graveloth, Kaira and Aderon have been called out to hunt down and put a stop to the rampage the prince is doing. The Princess of the Empire, Princess Tamara Lluch, twin sister of Tamiron, finally returned and assumed command of the empire, but was quickly ended because she has been blamed of killing the king, her father.During their journey the group has found out about the news and was not convinced. Then, they began to suspect more and more about the devious plot the Prime Minister turned Emperor of is motives.

When all of them are in one place, they have been called into another realm and the messenger of the Gods and Animos, Lyo gave them gifts and told of them "Not to kill the Prince". Aderon who's motive is now beginning to show up, has his comrades wary of him and begins to distrust him for he has another motive of his own. Now the fate of the peaceful realms hangs in the balance for they have to choose if they should follow the doubtful Emperor or spare the life of the Prince to find out why he rebelled against the empire.


It is a 105k word count, Fantasy Novel...

Thanks in advance for those who will reply!!! :mrgreen:

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 7:41 am
by Mark.W.Carson
Set in the magical world of Unibeltrasia Don't put this here. You need to start with a hook. When Prince Tamiron Lluch of the Empire of the Far East rebells against his own, the peace and stability of the region is put in jeopardy, for the fall of empire itself -- not needed means the utter destruction of the seven remaining behind it -- empires within its dominion. Now --no don't do this. You are changing the tense/timethe Prime Minister--first character, and we don't even get a name? has taken authority when the -- after the fall of king What's his name, or shall I call him King?fell ill -- has he fallen or fallen ill? This is unclaer about the news --what news? and sent --sending out his --his? as opposed to other person's diplomats?diplomats to bring the remaining kingdoms together to stop the impending threat of the Renagade --misspelled Prince -- also without a name here. You mentioned him above. Say it again here..

Evangeline, Ravaen, Sevidon, Glaivel, Graveloth, Kaira and Aderon have been called out to hunt down and put a stop to the rampage the prince is doing. The Princess of the Empire, Princess Tamara Lluch, twin sister of Tamiron, finally returned and assumed command of the empire, but was quickly ended because she has been blamed of killing the king, her father.During their journey the group has found out about the news and was not convinced. Then, they began to suspect more and more about the devious plot the Prime Minister turned Emperor of is motives.

When all of them are in one place, they have been called into another realm and the messenger of the Gods and Animos, Lyo gave them gifts and told of them "Not to kill the Prince". Aderon who's motive is now beginning to show up, has his comrades wary of him and begins to distrust him for he has another motive of his own. Now the fate of the peaceful realms hangs in the balance for they have to choose if they should follow the doubtful Emperor or spare the life of the Prince to find out why he rebelled against the empire.


It is a 105k word count, Fantasy Novel...
The last line is where you should bring the title into play, in this case. For high fantasy, you are not hitting too high a word count, but your query is very very choppy and disjointed. What rampage? He rebelled. What is he doing? Is he the bad guy? Give the reader (in this case, an agent who is probably already annoyed) a reason to keep going.

Don't be so vague. Give details.

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 8:26 am
by arvales12
mark54g wrote:
The last line is where you should bring the title into play, in this case. For high fantasy, you are not hitting too high a word count, but your query is very very choppy and disjointed. What rampage? He rebelled. What is he doing? Is he the bad guy? Give the reader (in this case, an agent who is probably already annoyed) a reason to keep going.

Don't be so vague. Give details.
Thanks for your reply, and I'm quite embarrassed about and I corrected everything immediately, so here it is:

When Prince Tamiron Lluch of the Empire of the Far East rebel against his own, the peace and stability of the region is put in jeopardy, for the fall of empire means the utter destruction of the seven remaining empires within its dominion. King Madarick Lluch IV, father of renegade prince, fallen ill upon hearing the news and is unable to rule. His adviser, Arch Bishop Menoich Anarchu assumed authority and placed himself as Prime Minister and as his first act, he dispatched diplomats to the inner kingdoms to tell of the news of what has happened and to bring the remaining kingdoms together to stop the impending threat of the Renegade Prince Tamiron Lluch.

Princess Evangeline, King Ravaen, General Sevidon, Colonel & Prince Glaivel, Graveloth, Princess Kaira and Prince Aderon has been called out to hunt down and put a stop to the already rampaging prince who destroyed the Gate City of Melgrace, and destabilize the entire empire. Princess of the Empire, Princess Tamara Lluch, twin sister of Tamiron, finally returned from her studies in the southern regions of the Far East and assumed command of the empire, but her short reign ended because she has been blamed of killing King Madarick Lluch IV, her father. Prime Minister Menoich then assumed total control with the approval of the council and declared himself Emperor. During the seven's journey, the group has found out about the news and was not convinced. They then began to question more and more Prime Minister turned Emperor of his motives.

When all of them are in one place, they have been called into another realm, The Mirror Realm and the messenger of the Gods and Animos, Lyo gave them gifts to even the odds for Lyo told them that Prince Tamiron is not a mortal anymore. and she told of them "Not to kill the Prince". Aderon was furious about this but Lyo silenced him. Upon their return, Aderon's motive is beginning to show up, his comrades warned him not to do anything about his motive and they began to distrust him. Now the fate of the peaceful realms hangs in the balance for they have to stop Prince Tamiron at all costs.

Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince is a 105K word count Fantasy Novel that will take you into a journey unlike any other.

Hope you reply again soon mark54g!! :mrgreen:

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 9:46 am
by Mark.W.Carson
It reads much better now, but you still have to wrangle out more specifics, as well as stop using "ed" words.

"When the bishop assumes rule" not assumed rule. I know it happened, but you need to put people into the moment.

Also, it is not enough to tell the reader this is going to doom the kingdoms. WHY will it do so? Is there some magical element? Are they already precariously connected, looking for any way out of their arrangement? Give the agent/editor the tension. To you, this is a matter of fact. To them, they need to know why they care.

Also, the lots of people named may not need to be in the query unless they play a very important role, and you may want to introduce them, explaining why Princess such and such, and General so and so are important. Also they "Have" been called out.

Try "The Seven, rulers of their adjunct kingdoms, have been called upon to hunt down the errant prince and squash his rebellion before it costs them their kingdoms, or even their lives."

That presents a conflict, a desire and what they fear.

In places, you give too much information that should be left to a synopsis, and in others, you omit the tension, probably because you are so familiar with the story.
Do we care that Tamara is a twin? Not right now, at least not in this query. Say what needs to be said in order to get someone to understand the characters, the hook, and the tension.

Try to see how little you can use to say as much as you are able. If you have not already, go on Youtube and look for writeaboutdragons and watch Brandon Sanderson's lectures. While they are not related to queries, there are elements that describe how to write with fewer, yet more descriptive words.

Lastly, your title should be in ALL CAPS. You may want to mention the sub genre of fantasy you are in.

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 10:50 am
by arvales12
Mark I read what you said and I wondered what are those things that I should remove and you also said that I gave a little too much and I don't know how much you mean't. About the poeple I mentioned, yes they are all important. Plus, I added the other "Faction Antagonist" for I don't know what you call them.

When Prince Tamiron Lluch of the Empire of the Far East rebel against his own, and joined the attacking force of their long time and dormant enemy; The Axis. The peace and stability of the region is put in jeopardy, for the fall of empire means the utter destruction of the seven remaining empires within its dominion. King Madarick Lluch IV, father of renegade prince, fallen ill upon hearing the news and is unable to rule. His adviser, Arch Bishop Menoich Anarchu assumes authority and placed himself as Prime Minister and as his first act, he dispatches diplomats to the inner kingdoms to tell of the news of what has happened and to bring the remaining kingdoms together to stop the impending threat of the Renegade Prince Tamiron Lluch and his new found force for the empire is the only one capable of holding back the forces of the Axis Kingdom.

Princess Evangeline, King Ravaen, General Sevidon, Colonel & Prince Glaivel, Graveloth, Princess Kaira and Prince Aderon has been called out to hunt down and put a stop to the already rampaging prince who destroyed the Gate City of Melgrace, and destabilize the entire empire. Princess Tamara Lluch, twin sister of Tamiron, finally returned from her studies in the southern regions of the Far East and assumed command of the empire, but her short reign ended because she has been blamed of killing King Madarick Lluch IV, her father. Prime Minister Menoich then assumes total control with the approval of the council and declares himself as Emperor. During the seven's journey, the group has found out about the news and was not convinced. They then began to question more and more Prime Minister turned Emperor of his motives.

When all of them are in one place, they have been called into another realm, The Mirror Realm and the messenger of the Gods and Animos, Lyo gave them gifts to even the odds for Lyo told them that Prince Tamiron is not a mortal anymore. and she told of them "Not to kill the Prince". Aderon was furious about this but Lyo silenced him. Upon their return, Aderon's motive is beginning to show up, his comrades warned him not to do anything about his motive and they began to distrust him. Now the fate of the peaceful realms hangs in the balance for they have to stop Prince Tamiron at all costs for their lost will mean the end of the eight kingdoms.

UNIBELTRASIA: THE FALLEN PRINCE is a 105K word count Fantasy Novel that will take you into a journey that will determine the fate of their world.

Hope to here from you soon and to read your input!!!

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 11:02 am
by Mark.W.Carson
You still have to deal with too many "ED" words "placed" himself, etc instead of "places"
The king should "fall ill" not ", fallen ill"


Also. This sentence:

When all of them are in one place, they have been called into another realm, The Mirror Realm and the messenger of the Gods and Animos, Lyo gave them gifts to even the odds for Lyo told them that Prince Tamiron is not a mortal anymore. and she told of them "Not to kill the Prince".


This sentence, pardon my blunt description, is a catastrophe. I want you to make it better. I have faith that you can. Try something along the lines of:

"With all the Seven in one place, the God Lyo provides them with sacred gifts to aid their quest, and leaves them with a warning that Tamiron may no longer be mortal."

The extra cruft is not needed in a query. You are submerging the reader into your story rather than giving them enough bites to want to read more.


It reads like an info dump instead of something with feeling and emotion. You need a quick connection to your characters and story.

"Prince Tamiron Lluch of the Far East empire's betrayal of his kingdom and alignment with the evil Axis, their arch enemy, sends his father King Madarick's health over the edge. No longer able to command, and stricken with a broken heart, Arch Bishop Meonoich Anarchu takes control of the kingdom from the devastated monarch ..."

I cut down a LOT of words, and made it a bit more personal. Now you do it better than I did. It is your story and you can sharpen it more than any outsider.

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 1:28 pm
by cheekychook
First and foremost, arvales12, never feel embarrassed about making errors while getting critique---that's what these forums are here for, everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs critique. No one writes a perfect query or a perfect manuscript on the first try. Revisions are more difficulty and often take longer than writing the book itself. That's normal. Don't worry about it. The point of all of this is to get all of your work in the best possible shape before an agent sees it.

The advice you've been getting from Mark is all very accurate. Listen to what he's saying. It's very important that your query is clear and concise and makes the reader want to read your actual story.

While it seems that you have crafted an interesting, complex tale, you're definitely struggling with a way to tell your story in a straightforward manner. That's a common problem. You know your story inside and out, in all it's detail and complexity, and it's extremely hard to summarize that for someone in a few paragraphs in a way that makes sense and is still compelling. Keep trying.

Some things to look out for:

You have a tendency to leave out words or repeat words---that gives the impression that you have rushed and not taken the time to proofread. That alone can be enough for an agent to reject your query. If you want them to take the time to read 105k words of your writing make sure you've taken the time to send them a letter that is without a single typo or grammatical error. Mistakes will also make them stop reading a manuscript, so make sure that's polished to perfection as well.

Naming all of your characters is such a big no-no in query land that there's actually a term for it---it's called character soup. It's impossible for someone who's not familiar with your story to keep track of a bunch of names right out of the gate. Mention the main characters and that's it. If you're listing a bunch of other princes and kings try to refer to them more collectively (the members of the royal family) rather than bogging down the query with a list of names that won't be remembered and will likely confuse (and turn off) the reader.

STICK TO THE MAJOR PLOT POINTS. Who is (are) the main character(s)? What is the primary struggle? What's the obstacle? What are the goals? How do they plan to achieve them?

If you had to tell your story to someone in one sentence, what would you say? Try to boil it down to one sentence so you can have a clear idea of what you need to convey in this letter. Take the boiled down sentence then spend a paragraph or two explaining it in more detail.

Your total query word count should not exceed 350 words (including your paragraph about why you've chosen this agent). If you can get it down to 250 words, all the better.

The number of errors (typographical and grammatical) in your query letter, synopsis and forum posts make me really concerned about the amount of errors still in your manuscript. Everyone has them. No one catches all of their own mistakes. This is what makes critique partners and beta readers so important for all writers. And even with that everyone still benefits from the help of a good editor. Do yourself a favor. Slow down. Take a breath. Take your time going over everything you write looking for errors. AND FIND ANOTHER PAIR OF EYES OR TWO so they can help you spot the problems you can't see because you're too close to the project. I know you want to move forward with all of this as quickly as possible. Believe me, I understand that. But you don't want to send things off to soon and collect a bunch of rejections. Now is the time to find mistakes and fix them. Your work will be much better for the effort and you'll stand a much better chance at getting a positive result when you eventually send your queries.

I hope that's not too much advice to absorb all at once. Take some time to focus your query letter and resubmit it here. There's always someone around to offer critique. Best of luck.

Re: Query: Unibeltrasia: The Fallen Prince

Posted: July 9th, 2012, 1:49 pm
by arvales12
Thanks again mark! And I thank you for your patience. It's already night here and I need to sleep but I saw your post and figured I should give it my last try before hitting the bunk. :lol:

Prince Tamiron Lluch betrays the Empire of the Far East, and takes command of the attacking force of their long time and dormant enemy; The Axis. The peace and stability of the region is put into jeopardy, for the fall of the empire means the utter destruction of the seven remaining kingdoms within its dominion for they are the only ones who can withstand the Axis' power. King Madarick Lluch IV, falls ill upon hearing the news and is stricken down bringing his life to the edge. When their is no royal monarch left to assume command, Arch Bishop Menoich Anarchu takes authority and places himself as Prime Minister and he quickly sends out the news of Tamiron's betrayal to the inner kingdoms and he calls to bring the best warriors of the remaining realms together to stop the impending threat of the Renegade Prince Tamiron Lluch.

Evangeline, Ravaen, Sevidon, Glaivel, Graveloth, Kaira and Aderon has been called out to hunt down the already rampaging prince who is ravaging the eastern regions. Princess Tamara Lluch, twin sister of Tamiron, returns quickly and assumes command of the empire, but her reign was cut short for she has been wrongly blamed for killing her father, King Madarick. Prime Minister Menoich then takes opportunity as he assumes total control and declares himself as Emperor. During the seven's journey, the group has found out about the news and was dumbfounded, but they were not convinced. Slowly, they then began to suspect of the Emperor's true motives.

Whit all the Seven in one place, they were called to a realm not of their own, the Mirror Realm. The Messenger of the Gods and Animos confronted them and gave them sacred gifts to withstand the power Prince Tamiron now possess and she bares another message that Tamiron must not die. Upon their return, Aderon's motive is beginning to show up,and his comrades began to suspect him. Now the fate of the peaceful realms hangs in the balance for they have to stop Prince Tamiron at all costs without ending his life, and if they fail, it would mean the demise of the eight kingdoms.

UNIBELTRASIA: THE FALLEN PRINCE is a 105K word count Fantasy Novel that will take you into a journey of self-discovery, uncovering secrets, discovering hidden prophecies that will determine the fate of their world.


I will need again what you think. I revised it(somesort) and I totally don't mind if you bluntly question everything here. It is totally fine, I know it's for me so I understand. Hope to hear(read) from you soon!

cheekychook wrote:First and foremost, arvales12, never feel embarrassed about making errors while getting critique---that's what these forums are here for, everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs critique. No one writes a perfect query or a perfect manuscript on the first try. Revisions are more difficulty and often take longer than writing the book itself. That's normal. Don't worry about it. The point of all of this is to get all of your work in the best possible shape before an agent sees it.

The advice you've been getting from Mark is all very accurate. Listen to what he's saying. It's very important that your query is clear and concise and makes the reader want to read your actual story.

While it seems that you have crafted an interesting, complex tale, you're definitely struggling with a way to tell your story in a straightforward manner. That's a common problem. You know your story inside and out, in all it's detail and complexity, and it's extremely hard to summarize that for someone in a few paragraphs in a way that makes sense and is still compelling. Keep trying.

Some things to look out for:

You have a tendency to leave out words or repeat words---that gives the impression that you have rushed and not taken the time to proofread. That alone can be enough for an agent to reject your query. If you want them to take the time to read 105k words of your writing make sure you've taken the time to send them a letter that is without a single typo or grammatical error. Mistakes will also make them stop reading a manuscript, so make sure that's polished to perfection as well.

Naming all of your characters is such a big no-no in query land that there's actually a term for it---it's called character soup. It's impossible for someone who's not familiar with your story to keep track of a bunch of names right out of the gate. Mention the main characters and that's it. If you're listing a bunch of other princes and kings try to refer to them more collectively (the members of the royal family) rather than bogging down the query with a list of names that won't be remembered and will likely confuse (and turn off) the reader.

STICK TO THE MAJOR PLOT POINTS. Who is (are) the main character(s)? What is the primary struggle? What's the obstacle? What are the goals? How do they plan to achieve them?

If you had to tell your story to someone in one sentence, what would you say? Try to boil it down to one sentence so you can have a clear idea of what you need to convey in this letter. Take the boiled down sentence then spend a paragraph or two explaining it in more detail.

Your total query word count should not exceed 350 words (including your paragraph about why you've chosen this agent). If you can get it down to 250 words, all the better.

The number of errors (typographical and grammatical) in your query letter, synopsis and forum posts make me really concerned about the amount of errors still in your manuscript. Everyone has them. No one catches all of their own mistakes. This is what makes critique partners and beta readers so important for all writers. And even with that everyone still benefits from the help of a good editor. Do yourself a favor. Slow down. Take a breath. Take your time going over everything you write looking for errors. AND FIND ANOTHER PAIR OF EYES OR TWO so they can help you spot the problems you can't see because you're too close to the project. I know you want to move forward with all of this as quickly as possible. Believe me, I understand that. But you don't want to send things off to soon and collect a bunch of rejections. Now is the time to find mistakes and fix them. Your work will be much better for the effort and you'll stand a much better chance at getting a positive result when you eventually send your queries.

I hope that's not too much advice to absorb all at once. Take some time to focus your query letter and resubmit it here. There's always someone around to offer critique. Best of luck.
Thank you! And I do not feel embarass about it, don't worry and I know I'm rushing things. I tend to forget not to rush things. And I thank you for summing everything up and I will help me alot. :lol:

About the critique partners. I haven't found one yet because no one is replying on the post I made, and I think I know why and I'll fix it tomorrow. You made me rethink what I'm about to post so yeah, it is already revised and I fixed some of mark and your's concern. Hope that does it now of to bed I go, and hope to see your reactions tomorrow!

Thank you again! :D