Thanks again mark! And I thank you for your patience. It's already night here and I need to sleep but I saw your post and figured I should give it my last try before hitting the bunk.
Prince Tamiron Lluch betrays the Empire of the Far East, and takes command of the attacking force of their long time and dormant enemy; The Axis. The peace and stability of the region is put into jeopardy, for the fall of the empire means the utter destruction of the seven remaining kingdoms within its dominion for they are the only ones who can withstand the Axis' power. King Madarick Lluch IV, falls ill upon hearing the news and is stricken down bringing his life to the edge. When their is no royal monarch left to assume command, Arch Bishop Menoich Anarchu takes authority and places himself as Prime Minister and he quickly sends out the news of Tamiron's betrayal to the inner kingdoms and he calls to bring the best warriors of the remaining realms together to stop the impending threat of the Renegade Prince Tamiron Lluch.
Evangeline, Ravaen, Sevidon, Glaivel, Graveloth, Kaira and Aderon has been called out to hunt down the already rampaging prince who is ravaging the eastern regions. Princess Tamara Lluch, twin sister of Tamiron, returns quickly and assumes command of the empire, but her reign was cut short for she has been wrongly blamed for killing her father, King Madarick. Prime Minister Menoich then takes opportunity as he assumes total control and declares himself as Emperor. During the seven's journey, the group has found out about the news and was dumbfounded, but they were not convinced. Slowly, they then began to suspect of the Emperor's true motives.
Whit all the Seven in one place, they were called to a realm not of their own, the Mirror Realm. The Messenger of the Gods and Animos confronted them and gave them sacred gifts to withstand the power Prince Tamiron now possess and she bares another message that Tamiron must not die. Upon their return, Aderon's motive is beginning to show up,and his comrades began to suspect him. Now the fate of the peaceful realms hangs in the balance for they have to stop Prince Tamiron at all costs without ending his life, and if they fail, it would mean the demise of the eight kingdoms.
UNIBELTRASIA: THE FALLEN PRINCE is a 105K word count Fantasy Novel that will take you into a journey of self-discovery, uncovering secrets, discovering hidden prophecies that will determine the fate of their world.
I will need again what you think. I revised it(somesort) and I totally don't mind if you bluntly question everything here. It is totally fine, I know it's for me so I understand. Hope to hear(read) from you soon!
cheekychook wrote:First and foremost, arvales12, never feel embarrassed about making errors while getting critique---that's what these forums are here for, everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs critique. No one writes a perfect query or a perfect manuscript on the first try. Revisions are more difficulty and often take longer than writing the book itself. That's normal. Don't worry about it. The point of all of this is to get all of your work in the best possible shape before an agent sees it.
The advice you've been getting from Mark is all very accurate. Listen to what he's saying. It's very important that your query is clear and concise and makes the reader want to read your actual story.
While it seems that you have crafted an interesting, complex tale, you're definitely struggling with a way to tell your story in a straightforward manner. That's a common problem. You know your story inside and out, in all it's detail and complexity, and it's extremely hard to summarize that for someone in a few paragraphs in a way that makes sense and is still compelling. Keep trying.
Some things to look out for:
You have a tendency to leave out words or repeat words---that gives the impression that you have rushed and not taken the time to proofread. That alone can be enough for an agent to reject your query. If you want them to take the time to read 105k words of your writing make sure you've taken the time to send them a letter that is without a single typo or grammatical error. Mistakes will also make them stop reading a manuscript, so make sure that's polished to perfection as well.
Naming all of your characters is such a big no-no in query land that there's actually a term for it---it's called character soup. It's impossible for someone who's not familiar with your story to keep track of a bunch of names right out of the gate. Mention the main characters and that's it. If you're listing a bunch of other princes and kings try to refer to them more collectively (the members of the royal family) rather than bogging down the query with a list of names that won't be remembered and will likely confuse (and turn off) the reader.
STICK TO THE MAJOR PLOT POINTS. Who is (are) the main character(s)? What is the primary struggle? What's the obstacle? What are the goals? How do they plan to achieve them?
If you had to tell your story to someone in one sentence, what would you say? Try to boil it down to one sentence so you can have a clear idea of what you need to convey in this letter. Take the boiled down sentence then spend a paragraph or two explaining it in more detail.
Your total query word count should not exceed 350 words (including your paragraph about why you've chosen this agent). If you can get it down to 250 words, all the better.
The number of errors (typographical and grammatical) in your query letter, synopsis and forum posts make me really concerned about the amount of errors still in your manuscript. Everyone has them. No one catches all of their own mistakes. This is what makes critique partners and beta readers so important for all writers. And even with that everyone still benefits from the help of a good editor. Do yourself a favor. Slow down. Take a breath. Take your time going over everything you write looking for errors. AND FIND ANOTHER PAIR OF EYES OR TWO so they can help you spot the problems you can't see because you're too close to the project. I know you want to move forward with all of this as quickly as possible. Believe me, I understand that. But you don't want to send things off to soon and collect a bunch of rejections. Now is the time to find mistakes and fix them. Your work will be much better for the effort and you'll stand a much better chance at getting a positive result when you eventually send your queries.
I hope that's not too much advice to absorb all at once. Take some time to focus your query letter and resubmit it here. There's always someone around to offer critique. Best of luck.
Thank you! And I do not feel embarass about it, don't worry and I know I'm rushing things. I tend to forget not to rush things. And I thank you for summing everything up and I will help me alot.
About the critique partners. I haven't found one yet because no one is replying on the post I made, and I think I know why and I'll fix it tomorrow. You made me rethink what I'm about to post so yeah, it is already revised and I fixed some of mark and your's concern. Hope that does it now of to bed I go, and hope to see your reactions tomorrow!
Thank you again!
