Here's my query for Tardy Son

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Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » June 20th, 2012, 2:52 pm

Here's my query for Tardy Son.

Dear Agent,

TARDY SON deals with the prejudice, abuse, and racism of a California family in 1958. A boy with seven names learns a new identity by running away from home and by teaching himself to write.

When a 14-year-old California boy's attempt to run away from home is thwarted by criminal charges, he defies the police and wages a war of words against his abusive father. When the boy jumps onto a freight train bound for San Francisco, it becomes his odyssey. He hopes to play second base on an imaginary baseball team and become a real writer, but when cornered by the police and angered by the lies his father puts in the news, he fights back. He publishes his own version of the runaway story and the story runs in many newspapers. Ultimately, he must face his father again and with murder on his mind, his anger draws blood, yet it also reveals a deeper story. He's a polio survivor and a Mexican adopted by a white family in the 1950s, so his fight for his truth becomes more than a struggle to survive life on the street—it becomes a struggle to find his own true identity.

This 76,000-word literary YA novel will appeal to readers who like serious stories with humor, and who identify with the struggle to find a personal voice. I think TARDY SON may interest readers who enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle. This my fourth novel and the first that's ready for publication.

longknife

Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by longknife » June 20th, 2012, 2:56 pm

Congratulations for trying.

However, this lacks some important information that doesn't come until the end and does not really give me the MCs sense of urgency. Too many references without specifics - although you don't want to draw those out.

Is he running from an abuse, white father.

How can he wage a "war of words" when he's a runaway boy?

You definitely need to refine this.

And 75k is to short to consider it a novel - try novella.

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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » June 20th, 2012, 6:16 pm

Thanks lvcabbie,

Those are good questions. Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on it again and re-post it.
That was my first try. It's not easy learning to see through the eyes of a reader about my own book.
I'll be around. This seems like a fine forum.

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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by cheekychook » June 20th, 2012, 11:58 pm

There are few things more nerve wracking than writing a first query. You're off to a decent start. You have the gist of the story here, your word count is perfectly in line with your genre, your genre is clearly defined, you remembered to put your title in all caps the first time you mentioned it---these are all very important things and they show that you know your genre and that you've done your homework in terms of how to present a query letter (things agents like to see).

I hope you don't mind if I red line your query to point out some changes I'd recommend, but I think that's the easiest way to show some things you might want to consider changing to get your story across in a way agents might prefer. I'm highlighting your words in blue and putting my suggestions in red. I've written queries for several books and the first novel I queried had over a dozen query drafts (you can go back and see the evolution it took if you search my name in this thread---posts are dated roughly 2 years ago). I know how difficult this is and I can tell you it gets much, much simpler the more times you've done it. I'm currently querying my 8th project, the other 7 are all under contract---I wrote the 8th query in one try---it really gets easier.

Some basic query things to keep in mind. You want to hook the reader----this should read like a back of the book blurb, it should give the basic facts of the story without giving away the ending and should tell it all in as concise and intriguing a manner as is humanly possible.(Read a million book blurbs, it helps get you in the right mind set to write a query.) You want to be specific in your details (Nathan has several posts he's written on his blog about queries and many deal with the topic of specificity---try searching that term and reading his posts, they're awesome) and give as much flavor of the character and the writing style as possible. I can't state enough, SHOW DON'T TELL. This is very tricky for us writers because we're trying to describe hundreds of pages of story in a few measly sentences---but you have to try. Agents will make assumptions about the writing in the novel based on the writing of the query, so the query has to make a good impression. HAS TO. Try summing up your book in a single sentence. Seriously. Not only is this one of Nathan's recommendations, but it's probably the best possible way to start writing a query letter (because if you can put it all in one sentence, a few paragraphs to describe it seems like a luxury) and it's also great to have a short, super-concise one sentence answer to "so what's your book about". It will feel like it's killing you to condense the story to that few words, but don't worry, most of us survive the process.


DKrancher wrote:Here's my query for Tardy Son.

Dear Agent,

TARDY SON deals with the prejudice, abuse, and racism of a California family in 1958. A boy with seven names learns a new identity by running away from home and by teaching himself to write.
If you want to start with the name of the book, that's fine---some agents want to know title, genre and word count right off the bat, others prefer to just dive into the meat of the story. Should you choose to start with the name of the book, don't summarize and tell us what it's about, as you do here---that stuff needs to be shown in the one or two paragraph body of the query letter. Most agents dislike a mini-summary unless it's in the form of a one sentence log line (a catchy sentence that summarizes the book and clearly illustrates its hook---like the single line you'll often see on a movie poster.) So...either move up the part about this being literary YA that is complete at 76,000 words OR begin the query with your second paragraph and move TARDY SON to your third paragraph and start your word count sentence with the title.

When a 14-year-old California boy's(delete "California boy's" and tell us his name) attempt to run away from home is thwarted by criminal charges (what charges?), he defies the police (how does he defy the police?) and wages a war of words against his abusive father. (You're summarizing again by telling us he's going to wage a war of words--which you again explain below) When the boy (Don't start a second sentence with "When", start with his first name)jumps onto a freight train bound for San Francisco (this sets the scene as California), it becomes (and begins) his odyssey.(Not ideal to say something about starting an odyssey---better to show rather than state) He hopes to play second base on an imaginary baseball team(do you mean you're making up a fake baseball team for the sake of the story or is he consciously aware that he has a fictional baseball team in his head and he fantasizes that he's a star player on it? Confusing.) and become a real writer, but when cornered by the police and angered by the lies his father puts in the news, he fights back. (Not sure how his desire to play baseball and be a writer is at odds with him being cornered and fighting back---what makes him decide to fight back? How does he fight back? Does he escape custody? Does he write while in custody?) He publishes his own version of the runaway story and the story runs (runaway and story runs---try to substitute one or the other term without using 'run'. Also, how does a 14yo runaway accomplish getting his story told in all these newspapers?) in many newspapers. Ultimately, he must face his father again (is her returned to dad's custody? This could be a good place to work in that he's adopted "...when returned to his abusive adoptive father...") and with murder on his mind, his anger draws blood, yet it also reveals a deeper story.(Does he harm is father? how does this reveal the deeper story? Better to state what it reveals than to label it a deeper story.) He's a polio survivor and a Mexican adopted by a white family in the 1950s, so his fight for his truth becomes more than a struggle to survive life on the street (can you find a way to weave these into the above info rather than stating them directly? How do these facts help shape who he is---show us that.) it becomes a struggle to find his own true identity. (The theme here is good, but again, try not to state it, show us how this is his struggle. Possible example: Confronted by obstacles x, y and z he soldiers on as he struggles to find his true identity.)

This 76,000-word literary YA novel will appeal to readers who like serious stories with humor, and who identify with the struggle to find a personal voice. I think TARDY SON may interest readers who (take out the part in blue and just that it will appeal to people who enjoy these other authors) enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle. This my fourth novel and the first that's ready for publication. (Trust me, you don't want to tell agents this. A) They don't care how many other books you've written B) They really don't care that this is the first one that's ready for publication C) They only want to hear about this story unless you have some publishing credits to add)
Hope this is helpful. Feel free to ask questions. Best of luck on the rewrites---you'll get there!
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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » June 21st, 2012, 3:49 pm

Don't mind at all. Thank you so much, Karen.
Looks like I have a fair bit of work to do on this thing . . . which is what I thought in the beginning.
I'll get back here with a re-write after I've chased it around the room with an axe a few times.
Cheers

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Here's my REWRITE of the query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » June 25th, 2012, 4:38 pm

After taking the advice here and some from Nathan's blog, I hope this is now a better query. Please let me know what you think. Thanks in advance.

Dear Agent,

I'm looking for representation with you because ______.

After Pid, an abused 14-year-old boy, stows away in a boxcar bound for San Francisco, his father charges him with stealing money from his mother and killing the dog. The newspapers call Pid a juvenile delinquent. The train is blocked and he's chased by police bloodhounds, as he limps on a leg weakened by polio. He stows away in a delivery truck and makes it to San Francisco. He survives on the streets until he's taken in by a woman who encourages him to write the truth about his abuse. He calls himself Pid, short for his father's name for him: Stupid. When newspapers print his reply to their original story, the charges are refuted. However, he's so angry he returns to his hometown to kill the man who adopted him. There, a baseball bat bloodies his father before Pid discovers his true identity as a Mexican American and a writer.

TARDY SON is a 76,000-word literary YA novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle. The first five pages are pasted below.

A story related to my novel, Blues Pizza, was published in Wilderness House Literary Review. I've published poems in the Bagelbard Anthology, Wilderness House Literary Review, Dance Magazine, Oddball, and others. I edited a literary journal called Dark Horse. I have a literary Website and a Twitter page. I was an editor of college textbooks for Ginn and Company.

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Re: Here's my REWRITE of the query for Tardy Son

Post by cheekychook » June 25th, 2012, 8:23 pm

You're moving in the right direction with this version, but you're not quite there yet. I'll leave questions in a red lined version below to indicate things that I feel remain unclear.

You mention having read some of Nathan's blogs about query writing. Try reading through some of the older query threads on here too. Pick the ones that have the most number of pages because they're likely the queries that had to evolve the most. It's very helpful to watch other queries undergo the rewrite process.

Glad you're finding the advice here helpful. Keep going!

DKrancher wrote:After taking the advice here and some from Nathan's blog, I hope this is now a better query. Please let me know what you think. Thanks in advance.

Dear Agent,

I'm looking for representation with you because ______.

After Pid, an abused 14-year-old boy, stows away in a boxcar bound for San Francisco (why does he stow away? is her running away from home? escaping an abusive family life? it's important to get across why he's stowing away), his father (is this the same man referred to below as "the man who adopted him? If not, this is confusing because it seems the man who adopted him would be his father. If it is then it becomes confusing below because it's unclear if they're the same man.) charges him with stealing money from his mother and killing the dog (could you charge a minor with that as a criminal offense?). The newspapers call Pid a juvenile delinquent (Why are the newspapers writing about him? Was this part of the search for him?). The train is blocked and he's chased by police bloodhounds, as he limps on a leg weakened by polio. (Good way to work in the detail that he's got disabilities from polio) He stows away in a delivery truck (try rewording to avoid second use of term "stows away"---something like "hides in the back of" or "sneaks into") and makes it to San Francisco. He survives on the streets until he's taken in by a woman who encourages him to write the truth about his abuse. (Okay, but I'm not sure why she'd encourage him to do that. Can you explain her reasoning? What's he hoping to do? Clear his name?) He calls himself Pid, short for his father's name for him: Stupid. (That's a good detail, and certainly a sad and telling one, but I"m not sure there's not a more natural way to work that info in rather than having it here as a separate sentence.) When newspapers print his reply to their original story, the charges are refuted (refuted? removed? dropped?). However, he's so angry he returns to his hometown to kill the man who adopted him. (The way this reads it sounds like he redeemed himself in the paper, which was what he wanted, but he's still so mad he goes back for a revenge killing. As it reads this doesn't make your character sound very sympathetic. What's his reason for continuing the vendetta after he's been cleared? Or am I reading this wrong?) There, a baseball bat bloodies his father before Pid discovers his true identity as a Mexican American and a writer. (This sentence doesn't make sense. Pid bloodies his father with a baseball bat before the man can tell him his true identity? Did he not know he was adopted? Not know he was Mexican American? Who's a writer? The adoptive father? This is a good attempt at a cliffhangery reveal ending, but it's raising too many questions as you have it right now.)

TARDY SON is a 76,000-word literary YA novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle. The first five pages are pasted below. (The amount of pages to attach, if any, will be specified on each agency's website---make sure to send only the number of pages requested, or none if they prefer a query only first.)

A story related to my novel, Blues Pizza, was published in Wilderness House Literary Review. ( Awesome! That's definitely something worth mentioning in a query, plus, good going on getting a short story published!) I've published poems in the Bagelbard Anthology, Wilderness House Literary Review, Dance Magazine, Oddball, and others. (Unfortunately, although it's great that you've published poetry so many places, the vast majority of agents do not want to hear about poetry or non-fiction publication unless it directly relates to the story you're querying, which in this case it doesn't seem to) I edited a literary journal called Dark Horse. I have a literary Website and a Twitter page.(Don't put this in the text of your query, instead put the link to your website under your signature at the bottom of the query. That way the agent will see that you have a site and has the option of just clicking the link if he/she is interested in checking it out) I was an editor of college textbooks for Ginn and Company. (Putting in that you edited a literary journal and edited college text books is debatable. If you keep this info in I'd combine it into one concise sentence. I've held editorial positions at both a literary journal and a text book publishing company---or something like that.)
Sorry if that seems like a lot of red. Try to think through the most important plot points and also the overriding story arc and make sure you're getting that across. You want the agent to want to read the story so it should raise questions like "wow, then what happens?" but should at all cost avoid questions like "wait, what does that mean?" Consider breaking the summary paragraph into two paragraphs---the first one identifying your character and telling us his predicament and his goal. The second showing how he gets part of the way there but still has a major issue to deal with, leaving it open so the reader is wondering how he's going to resolve his clear conflict.

Hope that help.
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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » June 26th, 2012, 11:23 am

Hi Karen,

Thanks for the new feedback. I have a general question: you have a lot of questions concerning the sense of events but I'm not sure they can be answered in a query letter—this book is a first-person account from a 14-year-old boy and it become clear the narrator is not entirely reliable, so some things are figments of his imagination and fears. Should I say that in the query letter?
Thanks again,
David

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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by cheekychook » June 26th, 2012, 12:39 pm

It's not necessary to make sure ALL questions are answered in a query letter, but you have to make sure nothing in the query is confusing to the reader.

Regarding the POV issue, all queries, regardless of the POV of the story itself, are written from an all-knowing 3rd person POV. The query-teller knows all. If your 1st person narrator is unreliable or biased and you feel that must be worked into the query, you can try stating that as "He thinks" which shows that whatever follows might just be his perception and not necessarily the actual reality.

Focus on the big issues: what is your character's problem? what does he want? what obstacles stand in his way? how does he try to get what he wants? what's the ultimate conflict/dilemma? Think about the things you want to know about a book when deciding if you're going to read it or not. You don't want to know every last thing that happens but you want some idea of what the story arc will be and why the character is embarking on this journey in the first place.

Hope that make sense.

Good luck.
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Query try for Tardy Son, numero cinco

Post by DKrancher » June 27th, 2012, 4:44 pm

Hello again, novelists. Here's another try at my query.
I don't expect it to be perfect, but is this better?
Thanks for your help.


Dear Agent,

I'm looking for representation with you because ______.

Pid, an abused 14-year-old boy, runs away from home by stowing away in a boxcar bound for San Francisco in 1958. He calls himself Pid instead of Stupid, the name his adoptive father called him. The adoptive father, Sicario, charges him with beating his mother and killing the dog. When the train is blocked, Pid plans revenge, but he's chased by police. He manages to escape on a leg weakened by polio, but a newspaper story trumped up by Sicario calls Pid a violent juvenile delinquent. Pid then sneaks onto a delivery truck and makes it to San Francisco where he's taken in by Rosita who encourages him to write the truth about his abuse. She wants to adopt him, but all he wants is revenge on Sicario, and to find his birth mother—he's been raised as an Indian by the Anglo family who adopted him.

When newspapers print his reply to the original story, the charges seem refuted to him. However, he remains so lost and angry he returns to his hometown to kill his adoptive father. There, he confronts Sicario and a fight occurs. In the battle he discovers why the lies his father told him hide the truth behind his mysterious heritage.

TARDY SON is a 76,000-word literary YA novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle. The first five pages are pasted below [or whatever amount is requested by the agency.]

A story related to my novel, Blues Pizza, was published in Wilderness House Literary Review. I've published poems in many journals and Tardy Son contains poems written by Pid, my main character. I edited a literary journal called Dark Horse and was an editor of college textbooks for Ginn and Company.

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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by cheekychook » June 30th, 2012, 12:47 pm

Okay, you're making progress. And it's great that you keep trying new things with your rewrites. It's the body of the query that still needs the most work---and that's normal.

You still do a lot of repetitive telling in this version. Try to make your sentences concise and have them convey as much information as possible. Make every word count. Don't say adoptive father in one sentence and then start the next sentence with adoptive father and mention his name. Try to get that info all into one mention.

I'm not in any way suggesting you use this example, or that this is even a good suggestion, but to show you what I mean you could say something along the lines of this:

After years of growing up in a household where his adoptive father, Sicario, calls him Stupid, 14-year old Pid stows away in a boxcar hoping life in San Francisco will bring him (whatever he's hoping to find there) In an attempt to continue controlling Pid, Sicario informs the police that Pid beat his mother and killed the family dog. (Not actually clear why he does this. Why does he make this stuff up? What is he hoping to accomplish? Does he want Pid back? Just want to cause him trouble? Is this a power struggle? Showing he's still in charge and Pid can't escape him? Tell us so we understand the characters' motivation and what's at stake.) Even though his legs have been weakened by polio Pid manages to hide in a delivery truck and escape the police, making it all the way to San Francisco.

Like I said, this isn't a suggestion of what you should say (I've just used the name Pid way too many times and I'm also not sure I'm describing your story correctly), this is just an example of how you can rephrase and condense your information. Keep your sentences active, interesting, informative and concise. Show as much as possible.

Hope that makes some amount of sense and is helpful. Keep going. You'll get there. And hopefully someone else will weigh in on this so you can get more well-rounded input. Good luck!
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Re: Here's my query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » July 1st, 2012, 12:44 pm

Thanks Karen, again. I'll get back to this soon.
—David

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Here's another REWRITE of the query for Tardy Son

Post by DKrancher » July 9th, 2012, 3:57 pm

Dear Agent,

I'm looking for representation with you because ______.

He calls himself Pid, short for the name, Stupid. It's the name Sicario, his adoptive father uses for him. His real mother was Mexican, but Sicario, a white man, says Pid is now an Indian. It's 1950s California and Pid doesn't know what he is besides beaten and blamed. It drives him crazy, so he runs away from home. The 14-year-old jumps a freight train he hopes will take him to San Francisco to find his real mother. To cover his abuse of Pid and to stop his escape, Sicario accuses him of beating his mother and this story is published in the local newspaper. Though one leg is weakened by polio, Pid manages to escape to San Francisco. There, he's taken in by a cafe owner named Rosita who encourages him to write his own story.

Angry and full of revenge, Pid tells his story for the newspapers. Despite refuting the original story with his own, he feels lost and angry. He returns to his hometown to kill Sicario, though he risks juvenile detention there. A fight occurs and in the battle he discovers why the lies of his father hide the truth of Pid's mysterious heritage.

TARDY SON is a 76,000-word literary YA novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle. The first five pages are pasted below [or whatever amount is requested by the agency.]

A story related to my novel, Blues Pizza, was published in Wilderness House Literary Review. I've published poems in many journals and Tardy Son contains poems written by Pid. I edited a literary journal called Dark Horse and was an editor of college textbooks for Ginn and Company.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

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Re: Here's another REWRITE of the query for Tardy Son

Post by Mark.W.Carson » July 10th, 2012, 1:47 am

Hi,

I'm a bit late to the party, and I hope I don't ruffle feathers, but there are some things I can see that you can do better, and I like it when people do better. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, and maybe a shot of tequila :)
DKrancher wrote:Dear Agent,

I'm looking for representation with you because ______.
This can go later. Hook them first. They know they are marvelous/wonderful/smell good

He calls himself Pid, short for the name, Stupid. --this should be your hook. You have not hooked me It's the name Sicario, his adoptive father uses for him. His real mother was Mexican, but Sicario, a white man, says Pid is now an Indian --relevant?. It's 1950s California and Pid doesn't know what he is besides beaten and blamed. --AHH your hook. I found it. It drives him crazy, so he runs away from home. The 14-year-old jumps a freight train he hopes will take him to San Francisco to find his real mother. --Too many words, too many sentences, not enough emotion. You are reciting the phone book here. Give me something to feel, to see in my mind. I see a train, not a scared kid.To cover his abuse of Pid and to stop his escape, Sicario accuses him of beating his mother and this story is published in the local newspaper. Though one leg is weakened by polio, Pid manages to escape to San Francisco. There, he's taken in by a cafe owner named Rosita who encourages him to write his own story. -- going a bit Dick and Jane here.

Angry and full of revenge, Pid tells his story for the newspapers. Despite refuting the original story with his own, he feels lost and angry. He returns to his hometown to kill Sicario, though he risks juvenile detention there. A fight occurs and in the battle he discovers why the lies of his father hide the truth of Pid's mysterious heritage.

TARDY SON is a 76,000-word literary YA novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy books by John Green and Roddy Doyle.--You believe. You can compare your work, but don't tell them what it will appeal to. I may be wrong, but *I" would think you were patting yourself on the back a bit hard here. The first five pages are pasted below [or whatever amount is requested by the agency.]

A story related to my novel, Blues Pizza, was published in Wilderness House Literary Review. I've published poems in many journals and Tardy Son contains poems written by Pid -- Unless his poetry is a major element of the story, save this for when you're going over your contract with the agent.. I edited a literary journal called Dark Horse and was an editor of college textbooks for Ginn and Company.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
###################################################################################
Try it this way
In 1950s California, Pid doesn't know much about who he is, but he does know he's tired of the abuse at the hands of his father, so he decides that now that he's 14, it's time to run away to find the real mother he never really knew. His father's revenge sets accusations flying about the boy, and a manhunt begins to bring him to justice...

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Re: Here's another REWRITE of the query for Tardy Son

Post by LurkingVirologist » July 10th, 2012, 2:37 am

I marked a few spots in red that you might want to take out or change. Take it with a grain of salt! You've got a couple definite keepers in there too.

"He calls himself Pid, short for the name, Stupid. It's the name Sicario*, his adoptive father uses for him. His real mother was Mexican, but Sicario, a white man, says Pid is now an Indian [confusing]. It's 1950s California and Pid doesn't know what he is besides beaten and blamed . It drives him crazy, so he runs away from home [redundant since you mention jumping a freight train in the next line]. The 14-year-old jumps a freight train he hopes will take him to San Francisco to find his real mother. To cover his abuse of Pid and to stop his escape [not sure you need this line], Sicario accuses him of beating his mother and this story is published in the local newspaper. Though one leg is weakened by polio, Pid manages to escape to San Francisco [you already mentioned running away to SF, is the polio that important]. There, he's taken in by a cafe owner named Rosita who encourages him to write his own story ['write his own story' has a definite double meaning here, I like it].

Angry and full of revenge, Pid tells his story for the newspapers. Despite refuting the original story with his own, he feels lost and angry [you use two sets of descriptors - including the word angry twice]. He returns to his hometown to kill Sicario, though he risks juvenile detention there [implied, he's 14 and on the lam]. A fight occurs and in the battle he discovers why the lies of his father hide the truth of Pid's mysterious [redundant] heritage."

* I'm assuming you are aware that 'Sicario' is Spanish slang for assassin or knife-fighter. I'm not sure if it was in use as a term back in the 50s though (if it was, I'm happy to learn something new). Either way, since his father is white, who gave him that nickname and why does he keep it? For anyone that knows a bit of Spanish slang, or speaks the language, I think that name might cause a big "huh?!" moment, but not necessarily in a good way. Moreover, if the guy basically advertises to the community that he's a killer, it would certainly damage his credibility in terms of publicly smearing his kid's good name.

Also, you set this 14-year old kid up as being physically impaired by poliomyelitis, so the idea of him engaging in a violent confrontation with a full-grown adult (especially one whose nickname implies that he's an experienced fighter) is a bit tough to swallow. Confrontation is good, but I'm not sure that implying it's a brawl will be the way to go.
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