Eitan: Legacy of Light- YA fantasy

[Karma]

Ok. So after nearly a year of referring to this blog, I am finally going to ask for any and all suggestions about my query letter. I'm not offended easily, and I welcome all constructive criticism that will help me improve my projects. Thanks!



Dear,

Recently, ETHAN WILLIAMS has found himself unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. His nightly dreams have crept into his everyday life by producing relentless voices that beckon to him and bizarre ghostlike beings who stalk him. While defending his best friend from bullies and daydreaming about the girl next door have occupied the last few years of his life, Ethan is about to embark on a journey that will leave him anything but ordinary.

After his best friend, TUCKER, mysteriously vanishes, Ethan finds himself being swept away into different worlds where he learns his identity actually includes being a prince, and not just any prince, but a prince that holds the fate of several worlds in his hands, including his own. He has been given a gift, a Legacy of Light, and he must learn to use his new found powers along with finding three keys that will unlock the Sacred Armor necessary to defeat the one causing darkness to prevail.

Ethan learns many things along the journeys to different worlds; both about himself and relationships with others. Ethan, like any teenager, must learn to listen and let his heart guide him, especially in dark places. It is the very light inside of him that sets him apart and fulfills his wish of becoming extraordinary.

My 65,000-word novel, Eitan: Legacy of Light, is a young adult fiction novel containing thrills and suspense, teenage romance, and humor. This novel is able to stand alone, but I also have ideas to turn it into a series. I am currently working on the first novel in another fiction series geared toward young adults.

Your website mentioned young adult fiction as a current interest, so I hope this is a good match. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[klbritt]

This is my first attempt to critique a Query post - so bear with me

----------

Dear,

Recently, ETHAN WILLIAMS has found himself unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. His nightly dreams have crept into his everyday life by producing relentless voices that beckon call to him and bizarre ghost-like beings who stalk him. While defending his best friend from bullies and daydreaming about the girl next door have occupied the last few years of his life, Ethan is about to embark on a journey that will leave him anything but ordinary. Maybe try something like: Ethan has spent the last few years of his life defending his best friend from bullies and day dreaming about the girl next door, only now to embark on a fantastic journey that changes his life forever.

After his best friend, TUCKER, mysteriously vanishes, Ethan finds himself being swept away into different worlds where he learns his true identity is revealed. Ethan actually includes being a prince, and not just any prince, but a prince that holds the fate of several worlds in his hands, including his own. He must find three enchanted keys and learn to use has been given an extraordinary gift that has been bestowed upon him, called a Legacy of Light, and he must learn to use his new found powers along with finding three keys that will to unlock the Sacred Armor that is necessary to defeat the one causing the darkness to prevail.

Ethan learns many things along the journeys to different worlds; both about himself and relationships with others.Ethan, like any teenager, must learn to listen to his heart and let it his heart guide him through his journeys, especially in the dark places. It is the very light inside of him that sets him apart and fulfills his wish of becoming extraordinary. This sentence doesn't seem to fit.

My 65,000-word novel, Eitan: Legacy of Light, is a young adult fiction novel containing thrills and suspense, teenage romance, and humor. This novel is able to stands alone, although but I also have ideas for to turn it into a series. I am currently working on the first novel in another fiction series geared toward young adults.Not needed.

Your website mentioned young adult fiction as a current interest, so I hope this is a good match. I would try something a little more personal. Research the agent a bit more and see if they have represented any authors you have read, etc. Then try something like: I chose to query you because you represent authors that write young adult fiction novels and (anything else personal you can find that relates to the agent or you). Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

---------

I like your storyline and think you're on the right track. Hope I've helped.

~Kristie

[Karma]

Thanks so much Kristie! I actually JUST rewrote the query this morning before reading your suggestions (very helpful btw!) I could use some input on which approach seems more appealing. I AM going to go back and adjust the last two paragraphs with your notes in mind though. Thanks so much for your suggestions.


Dear

As far back as I can remember my life as ETHAN WILLIAMS consisted of two main events: daydreaming about the girl next door, and defending my best friend, TUCKER, from his next beat down at school. Neither of which made my life anything except ordinary. Recently, my nightly dreams have produced incessant voices that beckon to me and bizarre ghostlike beings who stalk me in the middle of the day. Don’t get me wrong, this certainly makes life a little more exciting. But when Tucker mysteriously vanishes, things become a little too real. Now I’m pulled between strange worlds and am being told that I’m a prince. Not just any prince, but a prince that holds the fate of several worlds in my hands, including my own. No way is this ordinary.

I have been given a gift, a Legacy of Light, and I must learn to use my new found powers along with finding three keys that will unlock the Sacred Armor necessary to defeat the one causing darkness to prevail. I have all the dark powers in the universe trying to stop me. Yeah, no problem.

My 65,000-word novel, Eitan: Legacy of Light, is a young adult fiction novel containing thrills and suspense, teenage romance, and humor. This novel is able to stand alone, but I have ideas to turn it into a series. I am currently working on the first novel in another fiction series geared toward young adults.

Your website mentioned young adult fiction as a current interest, so I hope this is a good match. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[QueenViv]

Hey, Karma
I'm new to this critiquing thing but I hope I can help:
I like the way you cleaned up the first paragraph. This has energy and voice. I can tell who Ethan is. But I don't think queries are supposed to be written in the first person. (if you mentioned changing this, I apologize. I'm way too tired. Something might have slipped through the cracks.)
*my comments are in blue

Thanks so much Kristie! I actually JUST rewrote the query this morning before reading your suggestions (very helpful btw!) I could use some input on which approach seems more appealing. I AM going to go back and adjust the last two paragraphs with your notes in mind though. Thanks so much for your suggestions.


Dear

As far back as I can remember my life as ETHAN WILLIAMS consisted of two main events: daydreaming about the girl next door, and defending my best friend, TUCKER, from his next beat down at school. Neither of which made my life anything except ordinary. Recently, my nightly dreams have produced incessant voices that beckon to me and bizarre ghostlike beings who stalk me in the middle of the day. I'd probably rephrase this. It was the only bit that was confusing to me. Don’t get me wrong, this certainly makes life a little more exciting. But when Tucker mysteriously vanishes, things become a little too real. Now I’m pulled between strange worlds and am being told that I’m a prince. Not just any prince, but a prince that holds the fate of several worlds in my hands, including my own. No way is this ordinary.

I have been given a gift, a Legacy of Light, and I must learn to use my new found powers along with finding three keys that will unlock the Sacred Armor necessary to defeat the one causing darkness to prevail. This seems like too much info at once. I liked the way klbritt phrased it. I have all the dark powers in the universe trying to stop me. Yeah, no problem. I love- love-love this!!! I can see a teenager saying that!

My 65,000-word novel, Eitan: Legacy of Light, is a young adult fiction novel containing thrills and suspense, teenage romance, and humor. The query shark is always saying we have to show how exciting our novel is, not tell it. I know there are no clear rules for writing a query. (I wish there were. It would make life so much easier) It kinda made sense to me and I tend to avoid writing things like that. Besides, I think you show who Ethan is quite clearly. He sounds cool. Now, the only thing missing, for me, is: what's at stake for him? He will lose his best friend? The world as we know it will end? This novel is able to stand alone, but I have ideas to turn it into a series. I am currently working on the first novel in another fiction series geared toward young adults.

Your website mentioned young adult fiction as a current interest, so I hope this is a good match. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

It sounds like a great story.
And if anything I said sounds off, I (again) apologize. I need sleep.

[Karma]

Okay. With the very helpful insights I've received....I've revised to this. Any further suggestions are completely welcome. I think this is much better than the first and is almost ready to start the submission process once again. Opinions??


Dear

As far back as he can remember, his life as ETHAN WILLIAMS has consisted of two main events: daydreaming about the girl next door, and defending his best friend, TUCKER, from the next beat down at school. Both of which make his life completely ordinary. Recently, his nightly dreams have produced voices that beckon to him and bizarre ghostlike beings who stalk him in the middle of the day. While this certainly makes life a little more exciting, Tucker mysteriously vanishes, and things become much more intense. Now Ethan is being pulled between strange worlds and told he’s a prince. Not just any prince, but a prince that holds the fate of several worlds in his hands, including his own.

He has been given a gift, a Legacy of Light. He must learn to use his new found powers in order to find three keys that will unlock the Sacred Armor that is necessary to defeat the one causing the darkness. All the dark powers in the universe are trying to stop him, but along with Ethan, have no idea what they are in for!

My 65,000-word novel, Eitan: Legacy of Light, is a young adult fiction novel containing thrills and suspense, teenage romance, and humor. This novel stands alone, although I have ideas for a series.

Your website mentioned young adult and middle grade fiction as a current interest. I chose to query you because you represent authors that write young adult fantasy novels such as ------ and his novel, -----------. I am more than happy to send you the full length manuscript or any further information upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[SMB]

Good luck! The revisions you’ve done on your QL are good. It would make me want to ask to see more.

[QueenViv]

This is definitely going in the "I need to see more" direction! I'd just make a couple of changes*.
Before you read them, I should say I'm just giving an opinion here - one out of several out there. Some people will tell you to add more stuff, others will tell you to remove stuff. Some will even make question that feel totally bizarre. Ultimately, the query has to feel right for you.
I think you have a great story here.
Best of luck!
*written in blue

Okay. With the very helpful insights I've received....I've revised to this. Any further suggestions are completely welcome. I think this is much better than the first and is almost ready to start the submission process once again. Opinions??


Dear

As far back as he can remember, his life as ETHAN WILLIAMS has lived a completely ordinary life.has It basically consisted of two main events: daydreaming about the girl next door, and defending his best friend, TUCKER, from the next beat down at school. Both of which make his life completely ordinary. Recently, things took a turn for the odd though. He his nightly dreams have of produced voices that beckon to him and is stalked by bizarre ghostlike beings who stalk him in the middle of the day. Whileduring the day. This certainly makes life a little more exciting bizarre, but when Tucker mysteriously vanishes,and things become much more intense. Now Ethan is being pulled between strange worlds and told he’s a prince. Not just any prince, but a prince that holds the fate of several worlds in his hands, including his own.

He has been given a gift, a Legacy of Light. He must learn to use his new found powers in order to find three keys that will unlock the Sacred Armor that is necessary to defeat the one causing the darkness. Ethan has all the dark powers in the universe are trying to stop him., but along with Ethan, they have no idea what they are in for! ( This is just a thought... you can change it to fit Tucker and Ethan's relationship, if you decided to keep it.) No one stands between a guy and his wing man.

My 65,000-word novel, Eitan: Legacy of Light, is a young adult fiction novel containing thrills and suspense, teenage romance, and humor. This novel stands alone, although I have ideas for a series.

Your website mentioned young adult and middle grade fiction as a current interest. I chose to query you because you represent authors that write young adult fantasy novels such as ------ and his novel, -----------. I am more than happy to send you the full length manuscript or any further information upon your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Karma]

Thank you so much Queenviv! I keep tweaking it, so hopefully I'm about there! Thanks for the input.