Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I am pleased to submit for your consideration my completed young adult mystery romance, DREAMER. In this 70,000 word tale of secrets, unique abilities, and young love, never been kissed Rory Adair is torn between twin brothers while trying to solve the disappearance of four missing women, by following the clues of her nighttime dreams that always come true.


The only time that Rory ever told anyone that her dreams come true, she was six years old. Finding out that her Grandfather had died was not something she wanted to relive twice. After ten years of her dreams coming true night after night, she finally begins to dream of something exciting and new. Rory begins to dream about a handsome stranger. This stranger turns out to be identical twin brothers who have just moved to Troy, Michigan from Virginia. The Wyatt twins take an instant liking to Rory.


After Rory’s best friend Stacey becomes the fourth missing woman, Rory hopes to put her dreams to good use. She teams up with Bryce Wyatt who has a secret ability of his own. Together they use their abilities, intellect, and gut feeling to find the missing women. Rory must sort through her feeling for the Wyatt brothers and find her friend before she loses them all.


DREAMER is not just another love triangle story. The characters unique abilities and mystery bring a magical twist to teenage love. DREAMER will appeal to readers who enjoy the thrilling mystery and intrigue of NANCY DREW along with the romance of VAMPIRE DIARIES.


If you would like to further consider DREAMER, a full manuscript will be sent upon request.


Thank you for your time and consideration,

I think this query has great potential. The story sounds really interesting. I am just making three comments:

1. the other twin helps her somehow? or is he just there to add conflict in the love department? I don't know. I kept thinking about what he might add to the story other than hotness (not that that is a problem. I don't watch True Blood for the articles)... that's why I'm asking. Maybe he is the tough/ fighter one or something. Maybe he is the smooth talker who gets everyone to tell him what he wants... the sky is the limit. I think every character in a query should only be there to serve a purpose and you put a lot of detail into the twins.

2. Maybe you could do a little cleaning up... making your sentences a little sharper? For an instance, if you're using "relive", you don't really need "twice". Stuff like that.

3. Maybe you could shift some of the focus from the twins to Rory. I mean, if I dreamed of things that would happen the next day, I'd have some fun with that. Study extra hard for tests knowing what the teachers will ask, avoiding every day pitfalls, like getting a car to spray rain water on me. Stuff like that. I don't know if she only sees gruesome stuff or ordinary details, that's what I mean.

Again: I might be talking out of my behind here. I am terrible at writing queries. It feels like I'm being tortured... mostly because it feels impossible to fit my story into a nice little box with a pretty bow on it... my emotional side gets in the way. I feel like a fresh perspective and constructive criticism always helps. I hope I was able to give you some help.

Best of luck!

I completely agree with QueenViv (especially on the part that Query letters are torture) but I feel she has very good points on your QL. Besides cleaning it up, I would also add a great opening hook line. Something like:

“Rory’s has a gift, which is also her burden. Her dreams come true.”

Something along those lines…but you need something that immediately brings in the reader, then you can go into story and all the technical details.

Hope this helps, good luck.

You've selected some great comparisons to other series, in my opinion. They make the tone and themes fairly obvious. The word characters in "The characters unique abilities" needs an apostrophe, and after reading it I wonder if more than one character has unique abilities, and if so what those are? If you're only talking about the main character, maybe you could mention what about her is mysterious? Those both sound like intriguing topics to me!

geogstacey wrote:I am pleased to submit for your consideration my completed young adult mystery romance, DREAMER. In this 70,000 word tale of secrets, unique abilities, and young love, never been kissed Rory Adair is torn between twin brothers while trying to solve the disappearance of four missing women, by following the clues of her nighttime dreams that always come true.
These "sum-up" paragraphs are out of fashion now. It's too easy for the agent to read the one paragraph and go "not interested." *chunks submission into the garbage*

The only time that Rory ever told anyone that her dreams come true, she was six years old. Finding out that her Grandfather had died was not something she wanted to relive twice. After ten years of her dreams coming true night after night, she finally begins to dream of something exciting and new. Rory begins to dream about a handsome stranger. This stranger turns out to be identical twin brothers who have just moved to Troy, Michigan from Virginia. The Wyatt twins take an instant liking to Rory.
This could be tightened up. Maybe:
Rory LastName has a gift. Every night since she was six, her dreams would fortell of things to come. After ten years of her dreams coming true, she begins to see a handsome stranger. When this stranger turns out to be the Wyatt brothers, recently arrived to Troy, Michigan, Rory is quick to befriend them both when it becomes clear that they too have special abilities. Bruce is able to [insert ability] while OtherBrother can [insert ability].

After Rory’s best friend Stacey becomes the fourth missing woman, Rory hopes to put her dreams to good use. She teams up with Bryce Wyatt who has a secret ability of his own. Together they use their abilities, intellect, and gut feeling to find the missing women. Rory must sort through her feeling for the Wyatt brothers and find her friend before she loses them all.
Once again, some tightening up. Perhaps this: "But all is not well in Troy. Women are missing and after Rory’s best friend Stacey becomes the fourth to disappear, she hopes to put her dreams to good use. With the help of the Wyatt brothers, she works to track down a killer. But [insert complications, the whole love triangle, etc.]

DREAMER is not just another love triangle story. The characters unique abilities and mystery bring a magical twist to teenage love. DREAMER will appeal to readers who enjoy the thrilling mystery and intrigue of NANCY DREW along with the romance of VAMPIRE DIARIES. Some say that doing a summary paragraph is a bad idea. You want the agent to infer all these things you are telling them about your story. This is where you can say "DREAMER is a XX,XXX word young adult mystery (or young adult paranormal mystery) that echoes the intrigue of NANCY DREW and the romance of VAMPIRE DIARIES. My manuscript is complete and available for further consideration. Thank you, etc.

If you would like to further consider DREAMER, a full manuscript will be sent upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Good luck! It sounds like a great concept and we all know that YA is hot right now.