WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

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geogstacey
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WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by geogstacey » June 7th, 2012, 2:12 pm

Dear Agent,

The mob killed Angelica's husband Charles. But dead doesn't have to mean gone. Now she and Charles are going to give them hell.

Angel copes with her husband's death the only way she knows how, she sets out to make them pay. With Charles’ ghost riding shotgun, she tracks the thugs down and tortures them, looking for her husband's killer.

But the mob isn’t dumb. They find out Angel's behind the attacks. Now Angel's at the bottom of the Detroit river - and it's not just her breath that's running out.

WITH A VENGEANCE is an 80,000 word paranormal mystery. Thank you for your time and attention.

Bobcgirl8
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Re: WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by Bobcgirl8 » June 8th, 2012, 10:06 am

I think this one is a lot stringer, but I would like to know how the wife can torture mob lords. I mean is she a cop or an assassin or just a housewife with a subscription to Killers Anonymous? II don't mean that in a snarky way; maybe she really has been interested in such things before her husband's death. Anyway, a little more into what gives her the fortitude (aka balls) to chase after killers would be a great way to flesh out this query.

Hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8

rstearns
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Re: WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by rstearns » June 25th, 2012, 11:35 am

This query has a great voice! I'm not sure if this was addressed in a previous version of the query or not, but what is law enforcement doing while all of this is going on? If that's a sub plot, it might be a good thing to include to add even more tension.

macaronimagpie
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Re: WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by macaronimagpie » July 6th, 2012, 12:28 pm

I agree with the previous poster, you have a strong voice. This sounds like a really good book, I'm just not sure you're getting it across very well. The first paragraph feels redundant with the second paragraph, and I also wanted to understand a little more of the why behind it. Why did they kill her husband, why does she know how to go after them? You didn't use many words here, so I think you have the space to fit it in, especially if you solve the problem with the first and second paragraphs essentially saying the same things in different ways. This query really made me want to read your book so I hope you sort out the glitches here and get it published. :)

geogstacey
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Re: WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by geogstacey » July 16th, 2012, 4:17 pm

Newest Version Guys and Gals:
Dear Agent,

It isn’t safe anymore. Locked doors, guns, even grenades won’t keep them out. When an Italian mobster takes over Detroit, district attorney Angel Carter demands that the city finds a way to stop him and if they won’t, she will!

When Angel’s husband becomes the key witness against a drug lord and is murdered before he can testify, she copes in the only way she knows how; she vows to find the killers and make them pay.

But Angel discovers that dead doesn’t mean gone. Charles is back and his ghost proves a powerful ally in her brutal vengeance against those responsible. But when the huntsmen becomes the hunted, she finds herself bound and dropped into the Detroit River, a breath away from joining her husband in the afterlife.

WITH A VENGEANCE is an 80,000 word paranormal mystery. I am a member of SCBWI and a contributor to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered. Thank you for your time and attention.

hagenpiper
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Re: WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by hagenpiper » July 16th, 2012, 5:44 pm

geogstacey wrote:Newest Version Guys and Gals:
Dear Agent,

It isn’t safe anymore. Locked doors, guns, even grenades won’t keep them out. When an Italian mobster takes over Detroit, district attorney Angel Carter demands that the city finds a way to stop him and if they won’t, she will! I think the second sentence if far more interesting than the first. The first sentence make me wonder who 'they" are, and suspense doesn't serve well as the first line of a query.

When Angel’s husband becomes the key witness against a drug lord and is murdered before he can testify, she copes in the only way she knows how; she vows to find the killers and make them pay. This feels like a second opening. In fact it is a second opening. Perhaps it would be better to choose one.

But Angel discovers that dead doesn’t mean gone. Charles is back and his ghost proves a powerful ally in her brutal vengeance against those responsible. But when the huntsmen becomes the hunted <--- it's a cliche no matter which way you slice it, she finds herself bound and dropped into the Detroit River, a breath away from joining her husband in the afterlife.

WITH A VENGEANCE is an 80,000 word paranormal mystery. I am a member of SCBWI and a contributor to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered. Thank you for your time and attention.
The cliff hanger at the end doesn't work for me. It forces me to complete the plot arc in my imagination, and I don't have enough information regarding what's at stake if she fails. So I'm left thinking she'll probably die and exist happily ever after with her husband by her side. Is there anything else at stake other than the fulfillment of her vengeance?

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LurkingVirologist
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Re: WITH A VENGEANCE: Paranormal Mystery Edited

Post by LurkingVirologist » July 16th, 2012, 9:26 pm

geogstacey wrote:Newest Version Guys and Gals:
Dear Agent,

It isn’t safe anymore. Locked doors, guns, even grenades won’t keep them out. When an Italian mobster takes over Detroit, district attorney Angel Carter demands that the city finds a way to stop him and if they won’t, she will!

When Angel’s husband becomes the key witness against a drug lord and is murdered before he can testify, she copes in the only way she knows how; she vows to find the killers and make them pay.

But Angel discovers that dead doesn’t mean gone. Charles is back and his ghost proves a powerful ally in her brutal vengeance against those responsible. But when the huntsmen becomes the hunted, she finds herself bound and dropped into the Detroit River, a breath away from joining her husband in the afterlife.

WITH A VENGEANCE is an 80,000 word paranormal mystery. I am a member of SCBWI and a contributor to the literary blog Our Pages Aren’t Numbered. Thank you for your time and attention.
I like the idea of a ghost riding shotgun on a vengeance quest, it could be quite interesting if executed properly (pun intended).

As for the query, this version has a bit of a hyperbolic, cartoon-ish feel too it. The grenade reference for starters. I'm also a bit confused about the plot - Detroit isn't exactly a low-crime city, and the idea of a mob boss storming in and taking over strikes me as over the top. I don't know what Detroit's situation is in relation to the mob, or what major gangs operate there though. Are you familiar with the cities 'politics,' or did you choose it as a familiar locale (if you have some good info on the various players in the criminal underground there I'd love to learn something new)? I'm not sure from the query if the drug lord is supposed to be connected to the mob or not, since in my experience the phrase "drug lord" is usually attached to Cartel leaders or related street gangs. Finally, the 'dropped in the river' thing is kind of a gimmicky scene, cliffhanger or not. If these guys are ruthless professionals, why don't they just kill her the first chance they get?

If you are going for a bloody, over-the-top comic book feel I think that's fine, your 'ghost riding shotgun' set-up could go either way quite easily; but you describe it as a mystery so my expectation (and what I'd look for) is really tight, consistent logic and precise details - not so much grenades and watery graves.
"Books break the shackles of time, proof that humans can work magic." -Carl Sagan

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