YA Supernatural Query

[Mark.W.Carson]

Many teenagers attempt suicide, but only one can say they started a war between heaven and hell.

Fueled by bullying, and following in his father's footsteps by trying to kill himself, sixteen-year old Lucas Fuller's sets off a chain of events that might bring heaven to its knees. The reasons for his arrival in hell lead him to be one of the lowest caste of the underworld, but his powerful rise through their ranks is enough to catch the attention of their highest order. Lord Abezethibod, Second of Beelzebub, one of four princes in hell, chooses Lucas to be a commander in hell's army.

Now all he has to do is prove himself by returning to earth and killing everyone he's ever loved, including the girl he can't forget. When he turns coat and arrives at heaven, the armies of hell begin to muster, and Abezethibod begins his personal quest for revenge.



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Does this seem like it would catch anybody's fancy?

[Sleeping Beauty]

Hmm. Could you perhaps include the remainder of the relevant info - title, word count, audience, etc.?

I'm not an agent, but I can tell you right off the bat that I'd never pick up a book where the opening premise is a sixteen-year-old completing suicide and being thrown in to Hell per the old Roman Catholic rules. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and it would certainly do so for others, as adolescent suicide touches far too many people.

I am macabre at heart, however, and I've always like princes-and-armies-on-Hell lore. I could see a story such as this turning out to be this incredibly bleak, black comedy, starring disenfranchised 40-year-olds, like the old grunge generation.

Firstly, lose the logline, it comes across as flippant, which is made much worse considering your subject matter. Write this query again and include more spark, more of your own voice, less backstory, and finally: show the reader why this novel won't leave them utterly depressed.

Best of luck.

[Mark.W.Carson]

I could try to do that. The story is definitely not a bleak black comedy. I see it more as an "epic" without kingdoms and medieval villages, etc.


The reason the word count is not listed is that it is still being written. I'm about a third of the way through, with main point outlines and a goal of getting it done by fall.

At the core, it is more of an anti-suicide anthem.

I don't see it as a truly dark subject, because I believe it is handled well. I mean, how many of us five or six years ago thought we'd enjoy reading about teenagers killing each other in the forest for sport?

[Sleeping Beauty]

I wonder if there's a specific genre for Heaven + Hell epics? "In the tradition of The Divine Comedy...." I guess!

Don't be discouraged! I personally think it's much easier to iron out any plot kinks by polishing up your query as early in the process as possible - I wrote my query before I wrote the novel, and it was incredibly helpful in narrowing and focusing the whole concept.

[Sleeping Beauty]

I don't see it as a truly dark subject, because I believe it is handled well. I mean, how many of us five or six years ago thought we'd enjoy reading about teenagers killing each other in the forest for sport?

It's true that YA is infinitaly more daring than it's ever been in the past - and that's fantastic, down with censorship! i love dark stuff and all that - but selling this is going to be an issue however you spin it. You say it's an anti-suicide anthem, but maybe you misunderstand me. I'm not saying "nobody wants to read about suicide!!!" or "this is too dark for YA" - I'm saying, I don't want to pick up a book about suicides in Hell, and think of the pale young things in the coffins of the funerals I attended when I was a teenager, and remember that people do still believe that that's the reality.

[Mark.W.Carson]

I understand what you are saying.

However....... that's nothing like what the book is about. It would be like saying "Superman? I don't want to read about green aliens using laser eyes on the earth."

The suicide is not the main element of the story. It is a "How I go to hell" issue, and is more involved with bullying, unrequited young love, finding inner strength, and supernatural forces and your place in the world.

It's a hero's journey for a 16yr old boy

[Mark.W.Carson]

I wonder if there's a specific genre for Heaven + Hell epics? "In the tradition of The Divine Comedy...." I guess!

Don't be discouraged! I personally think it's much easier to iron out any plot kinks by polishing up your query as early in the process as possible - I wrote my query before I wrote the novel, and it was incredibly helpful in narrowing and focusing the whole concept.

I think that you may have latched onto an assumption here. This is not a comedy, nor is it like "The Divine Comedy." It's not full of grunge rockers, playing out comical roles of demons, etc.

Please don't think I don't value your criticism, I just was hoping it might stay on topic. If there are things with the actual query, I posted it to get those resolved. I just don't want the value of the criticism to be swayed by an assumption of something that is way off base.

The suicide gets him there. There's more, and maybe I should add that. It isn't the focus of the story, and there are a few other elements of suicide there, but it is more "supernatural fantasy, with elements of thriller" than it is the kid discovering what hell is about and comparing it to earth or heaven.

[Amanda Elizabeth]

With education and training in psychology I can't even begin to tell you the massive number of people who are greatly offended using teen suicide to lead into how a kid goes to hell, especially with the issues of bullying in today's society. Maybe instead of the act of killing himself he finds another way to contact hell? The first thing that comes to mind is a Ouija board, which, raised as a Catholic, I was always told was a connection to hell, because God would never answer the questions human's asked and Evil would -- but for a cost.

[Mark.W.Carson]

I guess I need to work on the query. I don't think it is getting my actual intent across, and people are using preconceived notions about what I am doing to sway their opinions about it.

I'll have to rewrite it.

My issue, however, is that instead of offering actual critique, it appears to have been a vector for attacking the premise rather than the content.

I understand that people get offended, but it looks like people are TRYING to get offended here rather than understanding what is actually being discussed. Nowhere in my posts was this based on Roman Catholic anything. Sorry folks, but that part of religion isn't owned by them. This is also set in a world where the mythos of the bible is at least relatively true.

This is not about direct correlation between suicide and hell. It's a construct. It's not like there's some old time preacher yelling at the family of a dead kid and telling them he's going to hell. It's a supernatural event here, with a journey that changes this boy forever.

Also, using a Ouija board doesn't really deal with anything in the way the story is about. It would be akin to, using Superman as an example again, be from Boston, instead of Krypton.

[Amanda Elizabeth]

I can only speak for myself but my comment is directly related to your query. The suicide is a reason a lot of agents wouldn't even bother to read your attached pages. They need to feel comfortable repping a book with that kind of material and they also need to consider if they can in turn sell that to a publisher.

Is it completely necessary to mention suicide so directly in the query?

[Mark.W.Carson]

I think it is. I mean, this is not a book that is about the punishment a kid receives for looking for a way out from his pain. The suicide is an avenue that leads to hell (sorry, it is not simply communing with the devil via a magic box or board).

The character "Goes to Hell" and essentially finds himself there.

There are plenty of stories about people becoming slaves, and then ascending to royalty, out from under the lash. This is sort of similar, except he is not a slave, per se, and it is not about royalty.

If an agent is not comfortable with the concept of suicide, I cannot imagine they would want to represent the story. Suicide is not what the story is about, but it is vital to the arc being told.

So far, from the teenage readers I have asked about this, they were perfectly all right with the topic as broached. I guess the element of the issue is how the idea of suicide is handled. In this case, I think it is handled in a relatively realistic, yet tactful way. Some of the pain is shown, possibly experienced with the reader, but ultimately it is not about punishment as much as it is world immersion.

If there are issues with the query that need to be clarified, or made better, I am all for that, but I don't feel comfortable lying in order to get the book through. The partial I send that gets no answer or rejected will only make me feel bad. I'd rather find one great agent that loves the concept and says "I can sell this, no problem" than the one that says "I don't like the topic, so I won't read it."

I am sorry if I seemed to lash out, though. I do tend to get emotional about my writing. I still don't see what the issue is with the topic. I know it is a sensitive subject, but many subjects are personal. I mean, teen pregnancy is a touchy subject still, and yet there are tons of books about that.

[Sleeping Beauty]

Aaaaaand I'm done being condescended to.

[Mark.W.Carson]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I did not mean to condescend to you, however, I feel as though you were incorrect in your assessment, and tried to back it up with explanation and facts.

I think you are grossly underestimating the capacity of the readers of YA, the industry as it pertains to the agents who review the field of manuscripts, and a few other things as well. This may very well not be the book for you.

We can agree to disagree.

[wilderness]

Many teenagers attempt suicide, but only one can say they started a war between heaven and hell.

Fueled by bullying, and following in his father's footsteps by trying to kill himself, sixteen-year old Lucas Fuller's sets off a chain of events that might bring heaven to its knees. This is a little confusing. If he only attempts suicide, why is he in hell? How did he die? I think you can skip the part about "a chain of events that might bring heaven to its knees" because it is not specific enough.

The reasons for his arrival in hell lead him to be one of the lowest caste of the underworld, but his powerful rise through their ranks is enough to catch the attention of their highest order. Why did he arrive in hell? This seems to be the central objection from the other commenters. Was it because of his attempted suicide or something else? I don't think the issue of suicide is what's causing the concern, but rather the implication that suicide leads to hell. However, from the wording in the query I wasn't clear if that was what you intended or not. If your premise *is* that he commits suicide and goes to hell as punishment, then you may need to mitigate/rethink the premise in some way to make it more palatable.


Lord Abezethibod, Second of Beelzebub, one of four princes in hell, chooses Lucas to be a commander in hell's army. What makes Lucas special? Why is he chosen to be the commander of hell's army?


Now all he has to do is prove himself by returning to earth and killing everyone he's ever loved, including the girl he can't forget. When he turns coat and arrives at heaven, the armies of hell begin to muster, and Abezethibod begins his personal quest for revenge. I'm still confused about the plot. Hell's army is killing people in the living world? Why? How did they get the power to leave hell? I don't feel grounded in the plot or the rules of your version of heaven & hell. In order to understand the conflict, we need to understand the basic rules of your world.

Hope that helps!

[Mark.W.Carson]

Thank you so much, Wilderness.

There probably needs to be more clarity. It's hard to explain parts, I suppose, without giving away too much detail, but there's also a psychiatrist who is sort of the voice of reason, of sorts. He's trying to convince the MC that it was a dream or hallucination.

Maybe I need to make this a bit longer and include the doctor.