Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Post by Falls Apart » March 27th, 2012, 10:06 pm

Revised version of my query. I'm almost finished with editing, so this may actually be put to use sooner than I thought! :)

Taq Locke dreams of revolution. But, as an unwilling government assassin kept from escape by tracking devices, she crushes any movement that would help the serf class she was born into. When she discovers that the trackers’ deactivator is surgically implanted inside a high-ranking business executive, she enters a world of politics with the single goal of taking the key to her freedom, even if that means cutting it out of a corpse.

Overlapping with Taq’s story are those of the executive’s son Ember Chen, a knight with two masters but loyal only to himself; Chel Wrat, a businessman from a wealthy but scorned family; and Meili Okafor, a young rebel informant who just wants to go home. Over the course of three hours, the four stories converge as the characters both advance and annihilate each others’ plans.

ENMITY is a dystopia novel complete at 100,000 words.
Last edited by Falls Apart on March 28th, 2012, 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: Query: Dystopia novel - "Enmity"

Post by wilderness » March 28th, 2012, 2:19 pm

Nice start! Sounds like you have a good political drama here, but right now the details are a bit confusing.
Taq Locke dreams of revolution. But, forced since childhood to work as an assassin for the neo-feudalistic monarchy that holds the globe, she’s helping the side she hates. I can guess what neo-feudalism means -- that there is a monarch and aristocrats who are rich & powerful, and everyone else is poor. However, when you say she is helping the side she hates, perhaps you could be more explicit about who she is helping? The monarch? The aristocrats? The peasants? Why does she hate the side she hates (motivation)? What is she doing for them?

When she discovers that the key to her freedom is surgically implanted in Oake Chen, a high-ranking business executive, she enters a world of politics with the single goal of taking his corpse. What is implanted in Oake Chen? Why will it help her gain freedom? And does she have to kill him/her (not sure about the gender for the name Oake) in order to retrieve this thing? These seem like important details in order to understand your world and Taq's goal.

She soon realizes that the only way to get to her closely guarded target is as simple as it is difficult: kill someone more important as a distraction. Everyone is The only practical option is the most powerful woman in the world: the regent empress. I don't buy this. The empress is easier to kill and less protected than Oake? Why?

Overlapping with Taq’s story are those of Oake Chen’s son Ember, a knight with two masters but loyal only to himself; Chel Wrat, a businessman from a wealthy but scorned family; and Meili Okafor, a young rebel informant who just wants to go home.
Obscure grammar rule: when you have a list, and the items in the list have their own comma separated clauses, you should separate the items in the list with a semi-colon instead of a comma. Over the course of three hours, the four stories converge as the characters both advance and annihilate each others’ plans. I am intrigued that this all takes place in the span of hours. I hope that means the story is has the kind of nail-biting tension as an episode of 24!

ENMITY is a dystopia novel complete at 100,000 words.

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: Query: Dystopia novel - "Enmity"

Post by Falls Apart » March 28th, 2012, 8:13 pm

Thanks so much for the advice! You're right; I really should put in more details. I've revised it and will post an updated version :)

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Post by wilderness » March 30th, 2012, 4:46 pm

Falls Apart wrote:
Taq Locke dreams of revolution. But, as an unwilling government assassin kept from escape by tracking devices, she crushes any movement that would help the serf class she was born into. This is more clear than the last version but I'm still not completely sure I understand it. You say tracking devices (plural) -- does she have multiple devices on her or do you mean that the serfs are also tracked by the devices? Maybe it would be easier to break this into two sentences. When she discovers that the trackers’ deactivator is surgically implanted inside a high-ranking business executive, she enters a world of politics with the single goal of taking the key to her freedom, even if that means cutting it out of a corpse. Why is the deactivator implanted in a person? You've got room here to flesh our your world and Taq a tad more. You can also make use of it to tell us Taq's internal goals and conflicts as well as the external plot.

Overlapping with Taq’s story are those of the executive’s son Ember Chen, a knight with two masters but loyal only to himself; Chel Wrat, a businessman from a wealthy but scorned family; and Meili Okafor, a young rebel informant who just wants to go home. Over the course of three hours, the four stories converge as the characters both advance and annihilate each others’ plans. Cool. I think this handles the multiple POV well. I think you're close!

Note: I would put revisions on the bottom of the thread instead of editing the original bc its easier to notice when a new revision is posted.


ENMITY is a dystopia novel complete at 100,000 words.

User avatar
Falls Apart
Posts: 182
Joined: January 16th, 2011, 4:53 pm
Contact:

Re: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Post by Falls Apart » March 30th, 2012, 10:19 pm

Thank you so much for your advice! It's been incredibly helpful. I've taken your suggestions to make a rerevised query:
Taq Locke dreams of revolution, but a tracking device keeps her an unwilling government assassin. Her job is to crush any movement that would help the serf class she was born into, but for years she’s been planning how to overthrow the patriarchal aristocracy. When she discovers that the tracker’s only deactivator was surgically implanted inside a high-ranking business executive, both for safekeeping and as a display of the monarchy’s power over even the wealthy, she enters a world of politics. Her only goal is to steal the key to her freedom, even if that means cutting it out of a corpse.

Overlapping with Taq’s story are those of the executive’s son Ember Chen, a knight with two masters but loyal only to himself; Chel Wrat, a businessman from a wealthy but scorned family; and Meili Okafor, a young rebel informant who just wants to go home. Over the course of three hours, the four stories converge as the characters both advance and annihilate each others’ plans.

ENMITY is a dystopia novel complete at 100,000 words.

User avatar
wilderness
Posts: 541
Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
Contact:

Re: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Post by wilderness » April 10th, 2012, 12:23 pm

I think your latest version sounds great! Very clear and concise. Not to mention exciting! Good luck!

jaktt12
Posts: 13
Joined: April 1st, 2012, 2:04 pm
Contact:

Re: Revised - Dystopia novel - ENMITY

Post by jaktt12 » April 14th, 2012, 12:32 pm

Hi, I'm no query expert, but this is what I thought...
Falls Apart wrote:Thank you so much for your advice! It's been incredibly helpful. I've taken your suggestions to make a rerevised query:
Taq Locke dreams of revolution, but a tracking device keeps her an unwilling government assassin, forced to crush any movement that would help the serf class she was born into. For years she’s been planning to overthrow the patriarchal aristocracy. When she discovers that the tracker’s only deactivator was surgically implanted inside a high-ranking business executive, both for safekeeping and as a display of the monarchy’s power over even the wealthy, she enters a world of politics. Her only goal is to steal the key to her freedom, even if that means cutting it out of a corpse.
[I really like this paragraph. It's clear and direct and gets right into the heart of the plot. I think it loses steam when you get to "she enters a world of politics." Seems like there was great buildup but this isn't much payoff. What about something like: When she discovers that the tracker’s only deactivator was surgically implanted inside a high-ranking business executive, her plans change: steal the key to her freedom, even if that means cutting it out of a corpse.?]

Overlapping with Taq’s story are those of the executive’s son Ember Chen, a knight with two masters but loyal only to himself; Chel Wrat, a businessman from a wealthy but scorned family; and Meili Okafor, a young rebel informant who just wants to go home. Over the course of three hours, the four stories converge as the characters both advance and annihilate each others’ plans.
[This paragraph lost my interest a bit. The phrase "Overlapping with Taq's story" took me out of the story. The rest seems like a character listing with ambiguous details that don't really relate to Taq's story (though I'm sure they do in you novel; you just don't have time to explain it all in a query). Do you think you can lose this paragraph? Maybe sprinkle a character or two into you main description if you can (and show the relationship to Taq and his story). If not, I vote to bag it.]

ENMITY is a dystopia novel complete at 100,000 words.
I like the writing. It's direct and it moves.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 9 guests