Query: Acea and the Animal Kingdom

[KyleS]

I've been working on my query the last couple of months and would appreciate anyone's constructive input on my MG Fantasy. I'm hoping to begin querying in about a week or so. I'm excited because I've long been reading people's queries on Nathan's blog and finally get to begin the process myself. Thanks! -Kyle

Dear (Agent),

I am pleased to submit for your consideration ACEA AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, a 65,000 word adventurous middle-grade fantasy dusted in mystery. (Insert personalized sentence about why I’ve submitted to that specific agent – if applicable.)

Twelve year old Acea grew up listening to his mom tell bedtime stories about the adventures his dad went on before he disappeared. Now, after waking up inside of a mysterious brick throne room resembling a zoo, Acea learns that perhaps his mom’s stories have more truth to them than he ever imagined.

Surrounding Acea inside of the throne room are five doors labeled: Safari, Jungle, Aquarium, Terrarium, and Aviary. Acea doesn’t know why he’s at the Animal Kingdom, nor even how he got there. After finding his name next on a list inside of an ancient book, he knows his path home to his mom on San Juan Island is inside one of those rooms.

As Acea travels through each room, he uncovers the Kingdom’s intricate history and learns the secrets hidden in his past which tie him to the Kingdom. Acea soon discovers that behind each door lies a different world filled with wild animals and magical treasure boxes mysteriously left for him to open. He embarks on a journey to solve puzzles, complete mazes, fulfill prophesies, and reunite an ancient order of wizards. Acea learns that his path home ends with a confrontation with Vesuvius, an evil sorcerer whose spell holds the Animal Kingdom captive. But before Acea can open the last door to confront Vesuvius, he must overcome his largest fear.

This is my first novel, and while I’m yet unpublished, by day I am a practicing attorney with an undergraduate degree in philosophy, who likes to think my lawerly briefs are more inspiring than dry. I’m also a husband to an energetic elementary teacher and father to a son who serves as my constant inspiration.

A full or partial manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best Wishes,
KyleS
(contact info)

[Matthew MacNish]

I've been working on my query the last couple of months and would appreciate anyone's constructive input on my MG Fantasy. I'm hoping to begin querying in about a week or so. I'm excited because I've long been reading people's queries on Nathan's blog and finally get to begin the process myself. Thanks! -Kyle

Dear (Agent),

I am pleased to submit for your consideration ACEA AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, a 65,000 word adventurous middle-grade fantasy dusted in mystery. (Insert personalized sentence about why I’ve submitted to that specific agent – if applicable.)

If I remember correctly, Nathan suggests personalization up front like this. I'm not saying he's wrong, because he isn't (each agent has their preference), but my own personal opinion is that you should get right to what matters: the story. Most housekeeping can be covered in the subject line (for an e-query). If you don't have a referral, and you're querying cold, your subject can look like this: "Query: AWESOME STORY, a 65,000 word MG Fantasy with hints of Mystery (don't get creative with genre, I love your verb dusted, but you need to be plain and specific).

Twelve(-)year(-)old Acea grew up listening to his mom tell bedtime stories about the adventures his dad went on before he disappeared. Now, after waking up inside of a mysterious brick throne room resembling a zoo, Acea learns that perhaps his mom’s stories have more truth to them than he ever imagined.

This opening isn't bad, but it lacks what the hook in a query really calls for: character. We do have a hint of Acea's backstory, and a clear idea of the inciting incident, but we need to know more about Acea's character. When I advise people about queries, I try to get them to focus on the three Cs: CHARACTER, CONFLICT, and CHOICE. In a query, we very quickly need to learn who this story is about, and why we should care. It won't take more than a few extra words to clue us in to what kind of person Acea is before his story begins.

Surrounding Acea inside of the throne room are five doors labeled: Safari, Jungle, Aquarium, Terrarium, and Aviary. Acea He doesn’t know why he’s at the Animal Kingdom, this doesn't make sense. What do you mean by "at the Animal Kingdom?" nor even how he got there. After finding his name next on a list inside of an ancient book, he knows his path home to his mom on San Juan Island is inside one of those rooms. I love the geographic detail, because I'm from Western Washington, but I don't think it's necessary in your query. You don't bring it up in the hook, so it isn't needed here.

As Acea travels through each room, he uncovers the Kingdom’s intricate history and learns the secrets hidden in his past which tie him to the Kingdom. This is beginning to read like a synopsis. What is the main conflict of your plot? Acea soon discovers that behind each door lies a different world filled with wild animals and magical treasure boxes mysteriously left for him to open. He embarks on a journey to solve puzzles, complete mazes, fulfill prophesies, and reunite an ancient order of wizards. These are some awesome elements, but it's all a bit vague. Can you be more specific? Acea learns that his path home ends with a confrontation with Vesuvius, like the volcano? an evil sorcerer whose spell holds the Animal Kingdom captive. But before Acea can open the last door to confront Vesuvius, he must overcome his largest fear. Which is what? Get specific. Vagueness can be the death of any query.

This is my first novel, and while I’m yet unpublished, by day I am a practicing attorney with an undergraduate degree in philosophy, who likes to think my lawerly briefs are more inspiring than dry. I’m also a husband to an energetic elementary teacher and father to a son who serves as my constant inspiration. You can skip all this. I'm not saying your personal life isn't important, as an agent certainly will care once you get to know them, but it does not matter in a query. If you're unpublished, simply don't mention it. An agent will figure it out.

A full or partial manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best Wishes,
KyleS
(contact info)

[wilderness]

Hi Kyle,
Most of what I wrote is similar to what Matthew said above. I think you should focus on making us care about Acea and being more explicit about what is at stake. Just having to return home doesn't feel like enough. A lot of the details you did include feel episodic or vague. Good luck!

Dear (Agent),

I am pleased to submit for your consideration ACEA AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, a 65,000 word adventurous middle-grade fantasy dusted in mystery. (Insert personalized sentence about why I’ve submitted to that specific agent – if applicable.) Query Shark recommends genre/word count at the bottom.

Twelve year old Acea grew up listening to his mom tell bedtime stories about the adventures his dad went on before he disappeared. Now, after waking up inside of a mysterious brick throne room resembling a zoo, Acea learns that perhaps his mom’s stories have more truth to them than he ever imagined. So....he just wakes up there?

Surrounding Acea inside of the throne room are five doors labeled: Safari, Jungle, Aquarium, Terrarium, and Aviary. Acea doesn’t know why he’s at the Animal Kingdom, nor even how he got there. After finding his name next on a list inside of an ancient book, he knows his path home to his mom on San Juan Island is inside one of those rooms. This sentence feels a bit awkward and I'm not sure I understand why his name in a book means anything?

As Acea travels through each room, he uncovers the Kingdom’s intricate history and learns the secrets hidden in his past which tie him to the Kingdom. Vague. What secrets? Acea soon discovers that behind each door lies a different world filled with wild animals and magical treasure boxes mysteriously left for him to open. He embarks on a journey to solve puzzles, complete mazes, fulfill prophesies, and reunite an ancient order of wizards. This seems like almost any fantasy story. Be more specific about what's at stake. What maintains the tension? Acea learns that his path home ends with a confrontation with Vesuvius, an evil sorcerer whose spell holds the Animal Kingdom captive. But before Acea can open the last door to confront Vesuvius, he must overcome his largest fear. Again, vague. What fear does he have to overcome? I'm not getting a good sense of why I should care about Acea. Also, be sure to check out Nathan's post on the importance of specificity here

This is my first novel, and while I’m yet unpublished, by day I am a practicing attorney with an undergraduate degree in philosophy, who likes to think my lawerly briefs are more inspiring than dry. I’m also a husband to an energetic elementary teacher and father to a son who serves as my constant inspiration. Not sure any of this is relevant.

A full or partial manuscript is available upon request. That is obvious because you are querying. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Some agents don't like it when people write the last part, since they may not respond soon.

Best Wishes,
KyleS
(contact info)

[TaylorNapolsky]

Good God, don't tell them it's your first novel.

[KyleS]

I've been told that it's recommended to say if you're a debut novelist so that the agent has an idea who is querying them. Is it recommended to say "debut novelist" instead of "first novel?"

[KyleS]

BTW - thanks for the constructive inpute so far! I'm working on improving my query to be less vague and will plan to upload it for review once completed. Thanks!

[wilderness]

I've been told that it's recommended to say if you're a debut novelist so that the agent has an idea who is querying them. Is it recommended to say "debut novelist" instead of "first novel?"

You needn't say either. If you have any pub credits, include those; if not the agent will assume you are unpubbed. I don't think it's a ding against you if you mention it's your first novel but it just isn't very useful to them. Same with info about your day job.

[TaylorNapolsky]

I interpreted it as, "This is the first novel I've ever written."

Maybe others wouldn't read it that way, but either way, I wouldn't mention it.