Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner

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itobias
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Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner

Post by itobias » March 12th, 2012, 10:41 pm

In the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their belongings, their dog, Gulliver and their memories behind and head toward London to find a better life.

But all Jeremy finds is dishonesty, violence and death. As he watches his father die of consumption and his mother take her own life, Jeremy is evicted from their flat, left alone to fend for himself on the streets of London. Forced to becomes a squatter, he occupies a vacant space between two buildings, and earns a living as a lamp lighter, lighting the way for men seeking entertainment on the rough night streets. The job pays a livable wage, but as the Duke Street Boys muscles in, demanding a sizable cut, Jeremy must pit his wits against them, and a growing list of foes, who are eager to prey on his vulnerability and no less worrisome of whom are the orphan hunters, who want to enslave him.

He all but comes undone, when he returns home late one evening to find his shelter burning to the ground and the hunters waiting for him. Unbeknownst to Jeremy – his neighbors have been watching him and they have developed strong opinions about this brave little orphan.

Jeremy has surprises for them all, for never had this neighborhood seen such a lad of inspiring determination and bravery.

BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of historical fiction, at 76,000-words.

GeeGee55
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Re: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner

Post by GeeGee55 » March 20th, 2012, 1:27 pm

I like the story, but the writing's a little rough. It could be that you're trying to fit too much information into too little space. And you must watch your grammar, some verb tenses are not correct. Might I suggest:

During the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their belongings, their dog, Gulliver and their memories do they really leave their memories behind? That's the one thing they might take with them. behind and head toward London to find a better life.

But, in London all Jeremy finds is dishonesty, violence and death. He watches his father die of consumption and his mother take her own life. Then, Jeremy is evicted from their flat. Forced to become a squatter, he occupies a vacant space between two buildings, and earns a living as a lamp lighter, lighting the way for men seeking entertainment on the rough night streets. -Good The job pays a livable wage, but as the Duke Street Boys muscle in, demanding a sizable cut of his wage, Jeremy must pit his wits against them, and a growing list of foes, who are eager to prey on his vulnerability. And here is where I would end it and wrap it up. I don't see a need to tell more than this in order to get a reader's attention and no less worrisome of whom are the orphan hunters, who want to enslave him.

He all but comes undone, when he returns home late one evening to find his shelter burning to the ground and the hunters waiting for him. Unbeknownst to Jeremy – his neighbors have been watching him and they have developed strong opinions about this brave little orphan.

Jeremy has surprises for them all, for never had this neighborhood seen such a lad of inspiring determination and bravery.

BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of historical fiction, at 76,000-words.

good luck with it

SplitInfinitive
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Re: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner

Post by SplitInfinitive » March 22nd, 2012, 5:46 pm

I agree, I think the story sounds compelling, and for this query I would work on beginning with and maintaining a more active voice: When the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm during the drought of 1802, eleven-year-old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents are forced to leave their belongings, their dog, Gulliver, [and their community?] behind in Kilmnark, Scotland and head toward London to find a better life.

Good luck!

jaktt12
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Re: Any Better? Query: Bleamy's Corner

Post by jaktt12 » April 14th, 2012, 1:34 pm

Sounds like a good story, but I'd pay attention to grammar, as others mentioned, and you chronology. I've pointed at a few instances below.

itobias wrote:In the drought of 1802, the crops fail on the Bleamy family farm in Kilmnark, Scotland, forcing eleven-year old Jeremy Bleamy and his parents to leave their belongings, their dog, Gulliver and their memories behind and head toward London to find a better life.

But all Jeremy finds is dishonesty, violence and death. As [After] he watches his father die of consumption and his mother take her own life, Jeremy is evicted from their [his] flat, and left alone to fend for himself on the streets of London. Forced to becomes a squatter, he occupies a vacant space between two buildings, and earns a living as a lamp lighter, lighting the way for men seeking entertainment on the rough night streets [this is a little vague]. The job pays a livable wage, but as the Duke Street Boys [who?] muscles in, demanding a sizable cut, Jeremy must pit his wits against them [awkward phrasing], and a growing list of foes, who are eager to prey on his vulnerability. No less worrisome of whom are the orphan hunters, who want to enslave him. [This kind of comes out of nowhere. Seems like there's a lot going on here, so you'll have to be careful in explaining without dumping too much on the reader.]

He all but comes undone [vague], when he returns home late one evening to find his shelter burning to the ground and the hunters waiting for him. Unbeknownst to Jeremy – his neighbors have been watching him and they have developed strong opinions about this brave little orphan.

Jeremy has surprises for them all, for never had this neighborhood seen such a lad of inspiring determination and bravery.

BLEAMY'S CORNER is a work of historical fiction, at 76,000-words.

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