Urban fantasy with strong romantic elements,,,please HELP!

[Alret]

I've been working on this query for three days now, and it stil really suck!! I have no idea how to narrow it down. It actually started out as a three page synopsis, and this is what I've got so far. I've had some awesome reviews on the book, but I honestly doubt that this query will land me an agent, it still feels like some of the most important stuff is not in here, like the fact that Abby's dead mother sends Patric to protect her from the shadows, because she knew about Anna's spell, the spell created the shadows and the immortals, Abby's mother was a witch and so is she. The shadows wants to kill Abby, because Tyrus (the shadow clan's leader) got a warlock to put a spell on Abby's blood, her blood kills the immortals......OMW!!!!! I'm clueless!!! There's so much more! Anna's main reason for casting the spell was to curse all the men involved with the Salem witch trails, she put a spell of immortality on their descendants, whenever they come across the love of their life, their soul mate, they will live forever and watch that person die, there's a kink in the spell though, the immortals are not able to come close to the one they love without causing them physical pain.
Abby is in love with both Patric and Piers, they were one person before Anna's spell, the spell literally split their soul, the good part of the soul turned into the immortals, the evil part turned into the shadows,

Okay enough with that!! If I go on I might as well post the book! lol,,,,please help me, I have no idea how to write this query and make it screem "WOW,,,give me more!!!"

Dear Agent,

In the small town of Salem, Massachusetts Anna Mcloud casts one last spell. She puts a curse on true love, before the man she adores executes her on Gallows hill for practicing witchcraft. Three hundred years later, lies, betrayal and secrets impact the life of her last remaining blood relative, seventeen-year-old Abigail Mcloud.

Abby’s life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn when she finds herself in the middle of chaos she thinks exists in books and movies. Fantasy becomes reality. Red-eyed creatures exist. Some humans will live for eternity. Death doesn’t necessarily mean the end anymore, and witches hold a power much greater than she imagined, and she is the key point in it all. The story of two supernatural beings, one good, one evil and a girl torn between them, begins.

Patric Walker, a 173-year old immortal, bound by Anna’s spell, fights to protect Abby from the shadow phantoms, a mighty and malicious clan of shape shifters, who wants to kill Abby before she breaks Anna’s curse. Piers, the shadow with a pure heart, but pitiless attitude seems to have the same goal as Patric. Abby falls in love with Patric, but because of Anna’s spell, he will never be able to touch her without causing her physical pain. She also finds herself drawn to Piers in a mysterious way. She must uncover the truth behind the death of her mother, the spell of her ancestor and the connection between her, Patric and Piers before she can destroy the darkness lurking in Medicine Park. A shocking discovery brings her to her knees. Patric will die if the shadows don’t, but killing one shadow means killing them all, including Piers. Anna’s lust for revenge created both immortals and shadows, because once, in a previous life, they shared one soul.

The sizzling and complex relationship between Abby, Patric and Piers deepens, and complicates their fight for survival, their search for the truth and their desperate attempt to hold on to love.

Everlasting: Love has no limits is a complete 75 000-word urban fantasy novel for young adult readers, with strong elements of romance.

[Lil Tailor]

Keep in mind this is all my opinion and I'm BY NO MEANS an expert.

Dear Agent,

In the small town of Salem, Massachusetts Anna Mcloud casts one last spell. She puts a curse on true love, before the man she adores executes her on Gallows hill for practicing witchcraft. Three hundred years later, lies, betrayal and secrets impact the life of her last remaining blood relative, seventeen-year-old Abigail Mcloud.I'd consider deleting this entire paragraph because your query really starts on the next paragraph

Abby’s life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn when she finds herself in the middle of chaos she thinks exists in books and movies. Fantasy becomes reality. Red-eyed creatures exist. Some humans willlive for eternity. Death doesn’t necessarily mean the end anymore, and witches hold a power much greater than she imagined, and she is the key point in it all. The story of two supernatural beings, one good, one evil and a girl torn between them, begins.

Patric Walker,a 173-year old immortal, bound by Anna’s spell, fights tohas been bound to protect Abby's bloodline for the last 173 years protect Abbyfrom the shadow phantoms, a mighty and malicious clan of shape shifters, who wants to kill Abby before she breaksAnna’sPatric's curse. Piers, the shadow with a pure heart, but pitiless attitude seems to have the same goal as Patric.I'd delete this line or move it. It flows out of context here because your previous and next lines are both about patric. Abby falls in love with Patric, but because of Anna’s spell, he will never be able to touch her without causing her physical pain.I really wnt something here like and why would Abby break the centuries old curse? Because she can never touch Patric without causing him physical pain. She also finds herself drawn to Piers in a mysterious way. She must uncover the truth behind the death of her mother, the spell of her ancestor and the connection between her, Patric and Piers before she can destroy the darkness lurking in Medicine Park. A shocking discovery brings her to her knees. Patric will die if the shadows don’t, but killing one shadow means killing them all, including Piers. Anna’s lust for revenge created both immortals and shadows, because once, in a previous life, they shared one soul.I just want to comment that I read this 3 times and got lost all three times.

The sizzling and complex relationship between Abby, Patric and Piers deepens, and complicates their fight for survival, their search for the truth and their desperate attempt to hold on to love.

Everlasting: Love has no limits is a complete 75 000-word urban fantasy novel for young adult readers, with strong elements of romance.

Overall I feel like your query is dense and kinda unfocused. Maybe try two paragraphs one focusing on abby, next focusing on her conflict with the other two characters. I feel like you tried to throw like 7 hooks at me with your last four sentences and it made it seem really complicated.

[Alret]

Thanks so much Lil,,,,yeah, everytime I read it, it makes less sense to me too, and I wrote the darn book, how crazy is that??? its so freaking complicated!! And you're right, I throw in like 7 hooks at a time because they all seem important,,, It's driving me nuts!!,,,but thanks so much for your input, it means the world to me, I will start again,,,hahaha,,,,

[4helen]

Abby’s life takes a thrilling and terrifying turn when she finds herself in the middle of chaos she thinks exists in books and movies. Fantasy becomes reality. Red-eyed creatures exist. Some humans will live for eternity. Death doesn’t necessarily mean the end anymore, and witches hold a power much greater than she imagined, and she is the key point in it all. The story of two supernatural beings, one good, one evil and a girl torn between them, begins. Here, you are telling me instead of showing through what happens in your story.

Anna’s lust for revenge created both immortals and shadows, because once, in a previous life, they shared one soul. Huh, I don't get how her revenge created this problem.

I would go to Nathan's examples of queries and re-think yours.

[Bobcgirl8]

Hi!
I picked up a lot of good advice about queries from the QueryShark. One of her big suggestions is to find a rhythm for your Query. I am not sure if I've managed to capture a sufficiently compelling rhythm in my own query yet, so maybe I shouldn't be advising it. I just really like the premise of the story. I would like to feel some of the urgency and disbelief for the main character's situation translated in the query through tighter sentences and dramatic spacing.

Sincerely,

Bobcgirl8