Query: The Lamb

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kabbu
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Query: The Lamb

Post by kabbu » February 26th, 2012, 4:56 pm

This is for the novel that was my NaNoWriMo this year. It needs a couple rewrites and some good editing, but I think it's got a solid grounding.
On November 11th, 2011, televangelist Charles Foster Wallace announced to the world his intention to create a god machine. The only thing left, he would tell his audience, was for him to discover the New Mary.

Then one day he performs a miracle by making the enigmatic Maria cry tears of blood in front of his studio audience.

Now Charles is the center of a firestorm of controversies ranging from financial fraud and political bribery, to questions of paternity. With New Mary at his side, Charles retreats inward to fight the constant stream of threats and accusations. Losing most of what he has sown in the process, he grasps desperately onto his vision of a machine that will make it all better. A machine that may well cure the world of all its evils.

For he alone knows what his work is capable of.

Yet through it all the question remains, is Charles a devout man of the cloth, or is the soft-spoken televangelist something much more sinister?

melanieconklin
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Re: Query: The Lamb

Post by melanieconklin » February 28th, 2012, 5:08 pm

kabbu wrote:This is for the novel that was my NaNoWriMo this year. It needs a couple rewrites and some good editing, but I think it's got a solid grounding.
On November 11th, 2011, televangelist Charles Foster Wallace announced to the world his intention to create a god machine.

> this is an interesting opening line, because it drops us right into the action. however, i need you to tell me right away what a god machine is in the first place. if you say that and then don't come back to it, it's lost.

The only thing left, he would tell his audience, was for him to discover the New Mary.

> breaking to refer to the audience is confusing. i thought i was his audience.

Then one day he performs a miracle by making the enigmatic Maria cry tears of blood in front of his studio audience.

> "then one day" drains all of the tension you have built up. instead of calling maria enigmatic, use an adjective that tells us where she comes from or who she is

Now Charles is the center of a firestorm of controversies ranging from financial fraud and political bribery, to questions of paternity.
>paternity? of who? who's questioning it? who is he in a controversy with? tell us who the villain, or opponent, is. give us a name or face to visualize.

With New Mary at his side, Charles retreats inward to fight the constant stream of threats and accusations.
> retreats inward sounds like he goes inside his own body, literally, like an alien. i don't think that's what you mean :) in order to believe in the "constant" stream of threats, give me a source for them and tell me why that source is attacking him

Losing most of what he has sown in the process, he grasps desperately onto his vision of a machine that will make it all better. A machine that may well cure the world of all its evils.
> now we are back to the machine, and i am really confused about what it is--is it physical? is it philosophical?

For he alone knows what his work is capable of.
> if you say something like this, it makes me feel like you are telling me i will never understand this guy. in which case i don't think it makes me want to read the book...

Yet through it all the question remains, is Charles a devout man of the cloth, or is the soft-spoken televangelist something much more sinister?

>this conflict could be interesting, but from your summary i don't understand why he might be sinister. and who is asking this question? his followers? himself? tell us what the conflict is and what the stakes are.

kabbu
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Re: Query: The Lamb

Post by kabbu » February 28th, 2012, 5:55 pm

Thank you for your advice, it's supposed to be somewhat mysterious as the whole story has that feel to it, but it's clear I'm keeping too much out of my query.

How does this look?
On November 11th, 2011, televangelist Charles Foster Wallace announced to the world his intention to create a god machine, a machine of indescribable power that he claimed would cure the world of all its evils.

The only thing left was for him to discover the New Mary.

During an ordinary taping, in the midst of his standard snake oil routine, he would perform an authentic miracle by making Maria, a woman seemingly without a past, cry tears of blood in front of his studio audience.

Now Charles is the center of a firestorm of controversies ranging from financial fraud and political bribery, to questions of paternity from former members of his church. The media, opposing churches, and disillusioned followers all waiting outside the gates for the moment his empire finally crumbles.
With New Mary at his side, Charles secludes himself in his mansion to fight the constant stream of threats and accusations. Losing most of what he has sown in the process, he grasps desperately onto his vision of a machine that will make it all better.

And decides to go out with a bang.

Yet through it all the question remains, is Charles a devout man of the cloth, or is the soft-spoken televangelist something much more sinister?

DanaE
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Re: Query: The Lamb

Post by DanaE » February 28th, 2012, 11:33 pm

Hello, I really have NO business giving query suggestions, but I will look at this as if I was reading the book jacket wondering if I should buy your book. :)

On November 11th, 2011, televangelist Charles Foster Wallace announced to the world his intention to create a god machine, a machine of indescribable power that he claimed would cure the world of all its evils. Is there something significant about this date? Or are you just wanting us to know it happened in the past?

The only thing left was for him to discover the New Mary. I've heard to use present tense in a query. What about - The only thing left for him to discover is the New Mary?

During an ordinary taping, in the midst of his standard snake oil routine, he would I am not sure the tense here perform an authentic miracle by making Maria, a woman seemingly without a past, cry tears of blood in front of his studio audience. What about - During an ordinary taping...he performs a miracle by making...?

Now Charles is the center of a firestorm of controversies ranging from financial fraud and political bribery, to questions of paternity from former members of his church. The media, opposing churches, and disillusioned followers all waiting outside the gates for the moment his empire finally crumbles.
With New Mary at his side, Charles secludes himself in his mansion to fight the constant stream of threats and accusations. Losing most of what he has sown in the process, he grasps desperately onto his vision of a machine that will make it all better.

And decides to go out with a bang. I like this sentence better if it is the last one. What about switching this one with Yet through it all....Yet through it all the question remains, is Charles a devout man of the cloth, or is the soft-spoken televangelist something much more sinister?

You do make me want to read on to find out more. Good luck!

4helen
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Re: Query: The Lamb

Post by 4helen » February 29th, 2012, 6:55 pm

On November 11th, 2011, televangelist Charles Foster Wallace announced to the world his intention to create a god machine. The only thing left, (he said, use attribution quotes) he would tell his audience, was for him to discover the New Mary.

Then one day he performs a miracle by making the enigmatic Maria (You use Mary, then Maria, which one will you stick with?) cry tears of blood in front of his studio audience.

Now Charles is the center of a firestorm of controversies ranging from financial fraud and political bribery, to questions of paternity. With New Mary at his side, Charles retreats inward to fight the constant stream of threats and accusations. Losing most of what he has sown in the process, he grasps desperately onto his vision of a machine that will make it all better. A machine that may well cure the world of all its evils.

For he alone knows what his work is capable of. (What does this mean to the reader?)

Yet through it all the question remains, is Charles a devout man of the cloth, or is the soft-spoken televangelist something much more sinister?

I wonder why you write a query when the manuscript is not finished? An agent wants a finished work to sell.

kabbu

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Joined: 21 Feb 2012, 23:23

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