Nathan Bransford - The Forums

*holds up hands* woah I'm not trying to be your adversary

That said I really like your new query. I think it just needs a little polish honestly, but don't just take my opinion.

**

QUERY (sans Brian):

When fourteen-year-old Katie aces a quiz everyone else bombs, she discovers she is not just super smart, she is super psychic. Too bad the principal assumes she’s just a rotten cheater. It turns out her teacher accidentally handed out next week’s quiz, and the lesson Katie recalls word for word has yet to be given.

While Katie’s totally freaked, but her curiosity wins out, though mastering her powers is way harder than nailing a test. Her secret practice sessions give her heart attacks. Her friends get angry when she drops off the map. And when she finally starts to use her powerinstead maybe just give us an example. I dunno what she did but consider how much different it'd sound if you wrote something like "reading her friends' minds" "turning her neighbors dog into pudding" levitating the teachers coffee", she ends up acting stupidly selfish.

Her friends can’t stand the new Katie, and soon neither can she. she can hardly stand herself. She decides her psychic gift is really a curse, and ignores her ability until a new vision nearly suffocates her with its promise of an attack she cannot face alone. With the violent image stuck on replay in her mind, Katie’s got to win back her friends, and she’s got to embrace her power. It’s no good being a psychic if she can’t suck it up and face the future—or else she might not have one.

BOOK I OF THE SIGHT, FRESHMAN YEAR is an upper MG contemporary paranormal novel complete at 49,000 words

've really enjoyed reading your work and comments this morning. I'm looking forward to jumping into the discussions, so look out for me!



Will changing the main character's age to thirteen work? It is an age ripe for self-discovery and also, a time when teens are maturing, which can play into the character developing psychic ability.



Fourteen-year-old Katie Cranford should have bombed yesterday’s bio quiz like the rest of her class, but that was before she figured out she was psychic. I don't like this first sentence. I would try to re-work it.

Freaked out by her sudden ability to catch glimpses of the future, Katie keeps her talent hidden from everyone but Brian, her nerdy neighbor turned sidekick. He bugs her to experiment, and fueled by curiosity, she chases after the thrill of the sight every chance she gets. Before long Katie’s making pig headed choices, wrecking her few friendships – and creating a jealous feud over a blue eyed boy with ex-bestie I thought for a second this read, beastie Hilary Russell.

Friendless, Katie sees her gift of sight now as a curse, and turns her back on her abilities. Dodging Hilary’s ire becomes her daily success,What does this mean? until a vision nearly suffocates her with its promise of an attack she cannot face alone. With the violent image stuck on replay in her mind, Katie must win back her friends and tap into her powers, and fast. It’s no good being a psychic if she can’t suck it up and face the future – and without her friends she’s got no future at all.
For the most part, your query is interesting. You lack dashes, pig-headed, blue-eyed, and should use a comma after ''future, and without...'


melanieconklin

Posts: 11
Joined: 24 Feb 2012, 11:43

thanks for the feedback peeps!

You asked if changing the character's age to thirteen will work. I taught high school biology for thirty years, so I might be of some help. If Katie is thirteen and in biology 1,she is in a sophomore class, therefore she is academically talented.Thus you wouldn't need to mention it. This could also set up an automatic conflict with the older students who flunked the test.
It could also aid in understanding why she confided in her friend who might be in regular ninth-grade classes.

When I read the line about Hillary Russel, I immediately wandered what a bestie is, and if it has a paranormal significance.
I would also suggest using disastrous instead of pig-headed.

I wish you luck, and remember that ultimately you must choose to accept or reject the advice.

YA or MG ? BOOK I OF THE SIGHT.
This is very good book .
I read that book.

I think you've got a great query here--there's lots of voice, which I love and I hear agents love. Everything is set up quite well. Perhaps you should try and send out a couple and see if they hook?

Nik

Highlighted a few things in blue, made comments in []

"When fourteen-year-old Katie takes a test, she expects to ace it, but when everyone else bombs a bio pop quiz[do you need to specify bio/pop quiz, or can you just go from ...expects to ace it, but when everyone else...], she discovers she’s not just smart—she’s psychic.

After she stops freaking out, Katie finds that mastering her powers is way harder than nailing a test. Her secret practice sessions give her heart attacks[literal heart attack? I can't tell from context]. Her friends get angry when she drops off the map. And when she finally starts using her power, she makes stupidly selfish choices[see below*]. Being psychic doesn’t seem so awesome after all—as if freshman year needs to get any harder!

Katie wants to use her power, but she also wants to keep her friends. So far being psychic has done nothing but drive them away . . . and attract attention from the kind of girls she should never cross. When a new vision nearly suffocates her with its promise of an attack she cannot face alone, she fears failing will mean more than just a social death[previous statement makes me think the attack is physical, which makes social death seem kind of trivial]. With the violent image stuck on replay in her mind, Katie’s got to win back her friends and embrace her power. It’s no good being psychic if she can’t suck it up and face the future—or else she might not have one.

BOOK I OF THE SIGHT, FRESHMAN YEAR is an upper MG contemporary paranormal novel complete at 49,000 words"

* I'm a little confused here about what sorts of problems your main character is causing for herself. Is the character generally moral but constantly suffering from unintended consequences as a result of her powers, or does she go a little power mad and make genuinely selfish or immoral choices, then have to redeem herself? The phrase stupidly selfish choices implies she goes on a bit of a "mwahahaha" bender.

Overall, I like it. Has a pretty good flow to it, lays out some internal and external conflicts. Good stuff.

I like it as well, but can I suggest some small stylistic changes.

QUERY:

When fourteen-year-old Katie takes a test, she expects to ace it, but when everyone else bombs a bio pop quiz, she discovers she’s not just smart—she’s psychic.

This sentence seems to do too much, May I suggest a series of short sentences: Fourteen year old Katie is smart. She aces every test she takes. But when her teacher accidently gives a quiz on next week's material and she aces she discovers... ..

After she stops freaking out, Katie finds that mastering her powers is way harder than nailing a test. Her secret practice sessions give her heart attacks. Her friends get angry when she drops off the map. And when she finally starts using her power, she makes stupidly selfish choices. Being psychic doesn’t seem so awesome after all—as if freshman year needs to get any harder!

Katie wants to use her power, but she also wants to keep her friends. So far being psychic has done nothing but drive them away . . . and attract attention from the kind of girls she should never cross. When a new vision nearly suffocates her with its promise t not sure of "promise" more a threat or omen or foreboding of an attack she cannot face alone, she fears failing will mean more than just a (Maybe delete the "a") social death. With the violent image (can an image be replayed, maybe scene or images) stuck on replay in her mind, Katie’s got to win back her friends and embrace her power. It’s no good being psychic if she can’t suck it up and face the future—or else she might not have one. (maybe make this sentence shorter "If she can't face the future she might not have one" seems to pack a bit more punch to me.)


BOOK I OF THE SIGHT, FRESHMAN YEAR is an upper MG contemporary paranormal novel complete at 49,000 words[/quote]

Really good!! I reckon MG would suit it.