YA Paranormal Romance Rev. 1

[geogstacey]

Hello everyone! I am new to this so please feel free to rip, shred, push, pull, or drag this query any way you would like.

Dear Awesome Agent,

When bloodthirsty fallen angels attack seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe at school, her guardian angel Barak sends them tucking tail and licking their wounds.

Biblical signs have plagued the earth: three days of darkness, ash falling from the sky, suicidal birds, and the overpopulation of locusts. And now, there are angels flocking among humans, who are hell bound on protecting a key that could defeat the fallen and end the war between heaven and hell. A key that Barak has been assigned to protect—her.

Fulfilling his heavenly duty, Barak enrolls into high school disguised as a hunky piece of eye candy. Holding the arm of her guardian, Ava’s popularity skyrockets, along with her hormones. She’d like nothing more than to jump Barak’s bones and teach that good boy just how bad she can be. But, typical for Ava, the timing is wrong for romance. When the Fallen angels crash the senior prom, she has no choice but to open the gates to Eden before the forces of the apocalypse are unleashed and the world is destroyed.

THE KEY is a 75,000 word paranormal romance.

[Nicole R]

Welcome to the forums! And kudos to you for taking the dive into query-mania.

It sounds like you've got a neat concept here for a story, though I think your query makes it a little more confusing than it needs to be. I think a lot of that can be fixed by changing the order in which you reveal some of your info. For example, the story seems to really start with the attack in high school - I think we need to see that sooner rather than later in your query.

See my line-edit below.

Good luck!

Considering the details you include later, this first sentence seems like the wrong starting place for the query. Instead, try an approach that introduces us to both your character and your world right as the action begins. Maybe something like: Despite the days of darkness, ash falls and locusts, all Ava Monroe wants to do is attend her senior prom. OR start with the attack. Readers won't know why it's important (or care) that Ava can open the Garden of Eden until we have a little more context about the world and what's at stake. Seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe is the key to opening the Garden of Eden and the catalyst for ending the catastrophic events that have been occurring: three days of darkness, ash falling from the sky, suicidal birds, and the overpopulation of locusts. With the guardians of heaven protecting her and the fallen angels of hell trying to kill her, she has two options: to assist the guardians and open Eden or die…Hmm, that seems like a pretty easy choice - do the good thing and live, or do the bad thing and die. Tell us more about her conflict and what she stands to lose. I think it needs to be more than not going to her prom. but all she wants is to attend her senior prom, graduate high school, and live happily freaking ever after I sort of like this phrase because it establishes her personality a bit, but it was jarring to read because it was so different than the tone of the rest of the query. If this is really how Ava talks and thinks, try to weave that in more. with her new guardian angel, Barak.

When she is attacked at school by a group of blood thirsty angels called the Fallen, Barak and his three heavenly sidekicks ambush the ungodly creatures and send them tucking tail and licking their wounds exposing Ava’s secret identity. I needed some clarity here - is it the Fallen who expose Ava or Barak and his rescue team? Also, is the secret exposed to her high school classmates or did she herself not know about this identity before?

To protect her, Barak enrolls in high school and Ava’s popularity skyrockets We didn't know she was unpopular before...this is another reason to give us more context about her current world before telling us how she's supposed to save the world , along with her hormones. She’d like nothing more than to jump Barak’s bones Another jarring phrase for me. and teach that good boy just how bad she can be Why does she want to be bad?. But, typical for Ava, the timing is wrong for romance. With the war between heaven and hell seeping into the earthly realm, the biblical signs point to one thing. The end is near. Ava has no choice Why doesn't she have a choice? And why wouldn't she WANT to save the world? Right now, it doesn't seem like saving the world and dating Barak are mutually exclusive. Can't she just say "hang on a sec, hottie. I've gotta save the world, but then I'll be right back?" My guess is there are some other consequences you need to mention. but to open the gates to Eden before the world is destroyed and the forces of the apocalypse are unleashed.

THE KEY is a 75,000 word YA paranormal romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[wilderness]

Hi there! I can see this is your second version but it's easier if you post revision as a new post in the same thread so we can view the progression.

Dear Awesome Agent,

When bloodthirsty fallen angels attack seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe at school, her guardian angel Barak sends them tucking tail and licking their wounds.

Biblical signs have plagued the earth: three days of darkness, ash falling from the sky, suicidal birds, and the overpopulation of locusts. Cool. And now, there are angels flocking among humans, who are hell bound on protecting a key that could defeat the fallen and end the war between heaven and hell. Not sure about the use of the phrase "hell bound" because it a) might be literal not metaphorical b) the word hell is repeated later in the sentence. A key that Barak has been assigned to protect—her. I'm confused. She is a key? I originally thought you meant they were protecting a literal key in the previous sentence. Also, what is special about Ava? Why is she the target?

Fulfilling his heavenly duty, Barak enrolls into high school disguised as a hunky piece of eye candy. This seems redundant with the first sentence. Not sure if that was supposed to be a log line, but generally they feel awkward in a query because they reveal information that is not chronological. Holding the arm of her guardian, Ava’s popularity skyrockets, along with her hormones. She’d like nothing more than to jump Barak’s bones and teach that good boy just how bad she can be. Cute. But, typical for Ava, the timing is wrong for romance. When the Fallen angels crash the senior prom, she has no choice but to open the gates to Eden before the forces of the apocalypse are unleashed and the world is destroyed. I think this could be a cute romance but I'd still like to know what makes Ava special, why she needs protecting when other students don't, and why she is the one to open the gates to Eden.


THE KEY is a 75,000 word paranormal romance.

[Alret]

Wow!! Amazing end resluts! I've been struggling my but off for three days trying to write my query! Much worse than writing the darn novel!! I add things and take things out and everythime it just seems to suck more!

[4helen]

When bloodthirsty fallen angels attack seventeen-year-old Ava Monroe at school, her guardian angel Barak sends them tucking tail and licking their wounds.

Biblical signs have plagued the earth: three days of darkness, ash falling from the sky, suicidal birds, and the overpopulation of locusts (a locust plague). And now, there are angels flocking among humans, who are hell bound on protecting a key that could defeat the fallen (here, I think you must clarify what the fallen are in the story, fallen angels?) and end the war between heaven and hell. A key that Barak has been assigned to protect—her (Ava).

Fulfilling his heavenly duty, Barak enrolls into high school disguised as a hunky piece of eye candy. Holding the arm of her guardian, Ava’s popularity skyrockets, along with her hormones. She’d like nothing more than to jump Barak’s bones and teach that good boy just how bad she can be. But, typical for Ava, the timing is wrong for romance. When the Fallen angels crash the senior prom, she has no choice but to open the gates to Eden before the forces of the apocalypse are unleashed and the world is destroyed. (This went jarringly awry for me here. Ava seems crude. Does she know Barak is an angel? If so, bad, bad taste on her part. I would think she'd be humbled knowing who he was, as well as cringing over any previous bad behavior on her part. She might have been very naughty before, but that could be a comic part of her trying to redeem herself given the huge responsibility she's been given now.)

THE KEY is a 75,000 word paranormal romance.