Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again -revised post 6

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Walker
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Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again -revised post 6

Post by Walker » January 30th, 2012, 10:23 am

Hey folks -it seems like I've been working on this query forever. I'm so close to it now I've lost all objectivity. Please look it over and tell me what you think.

After years of self-imposed isolation from a world that despises him, an attack by creatures born of forbidden science spurs the immortal Frankenstein Monster to finally put an end to his maker –and if he’s lucky, himself as well.

The Monster is convinced that the murderous undead creatures spreading through the mountain towns of Austria in 1887 are the work of his creator, Victor Frankenstein, whom he thought long dead. As he searches for his hated maker, his journey brings him into an uncomfortable alliance with a priest, Father Konrad Strauss, whose village has been decimated. Their shared mission will lead them on a collision course with both a mysterious band of warriors known as the Order of the Golden Rose, and a desperate and powerful vampire.

As the Monster and Father Strauss battle together through town after town overrun with the undead, the tiny flame of humanity inside the Monster begins to burn brighter. But the Monster’s desire for vengeance upon his creator threatens to extinguish it.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN is a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel that takes its inspiration from Universal and Hammer horror films, and classic pulp adventure stories. It envisions the legendary Mary Shelley creation as a monstrous action hero.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Last edited by Walker on March 1st, 2012, 11:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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oldhousejunkie
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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by oldhousejunkie » February 1st, 2012, 4:30 pm

Walker wrote:Hey folks -it seems like I've been working on this query forever. I'm so close to it now I've lost all objectivity. Please look it over and tell me what you think.

After years of self-imposed isolation from a world that despises him, an attack by creatures born of forbidden science spurs the immortal Frankenstein Monster to finally put an end to his maker –and if he’s lucky, himself as well. This reads like a log line. I don't know if that was your intent or not. If so, I have heard that they are out of fashion right now. Personally I don't like them.

The Monster is convinced that the murderous undead creatures spreading through the mountain towns of Austria in 1887 are the work of his creator, Victor Frankenstein, whom he thought long dead. As he searches for his hated maker, his journey brings him into an uncomfortable alliance with a priest, Father Konrad Strauss, whose village has been decimated. Their shared mission will lead them on a collision course with both a mysterious band of warriors known as the Order of the Golden Rose, and a desperate and but powerful vampire.

As the Monster and Father Strauss battle together through town after town overrun with the undead, the tiny flame of humanity inside the Monster begins to burn brighter. But the Monster’s desire for vengeance upon his creator threatens to extinguish it. I don't see the point of this mini paragraph. I would either eliminate it or add to it. It ends rather abruptly, IMO.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN is a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel that takes its inspiration from Universal and Hammer horror films, and classic pulp adventure stories. It envisions the legendary Mary Shelley creation as a monstrous action hero. Once again, this last sentence feels abrupt. I would either take it out or re-construct it. Perhaps: "Inspried by the Universal and Hammer horror films, FRANKENSTEIN's MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN is a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel that envisions the legendary Mary Shelley creation as a monstrous action hero."

Thank you for your time and consideration.
I'm feeling like this query is very detailed, but it's not the important details. Obviously, the Monster is after Frankenstein. But what about the other characters you introduced? Are they just helping him or do they have other goals in mind? The way that they are introduced leads me to think that there are other sub plots that should be introduced into the query. Just my two cents. Best of luck to you.

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by Walker » February 2nd, 2012, 2:59 pm

Oldhousejunkie, I appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback. Regarding the subplots, I was trying to keep the query brief, but I realize now that it may be too brief. All of the characters mentioned do have important roles to play and I can see that I should probably explain them a bit more for the reader.

The third paragraph speaks to an important part of the story, which is the Monster's shift from solitude and a desire to die to awakening his human spirit and finding a reason to live. But clearly I need to expand upon it.

I like your closing paragraph better than mine. It definitely sounds better.

Thanks again for your comments. As I said, I feel too close to it to know what's missing. This helps.

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by wilderness » February 15th, 2012, 5:48 pm

Hi Walker. This sounds really cool - I really like the idea of a continuation of Frankenstein's story. I think the flow of the query is a little off though, and also that you might focus more on the Monster's struggle with humanity. Hope this helps & good luck!
Walker wrote:
After years of self-imposed isolation from a world that despises him, an attack by creatures born of forbidden science spurs the immortal Frankenstein Monster to finally put an end to his maker –and if he’s lucky, himself as well. This sentence reads like a log line or summary but elements of it are important to the next paragraph. Because of that, the flow of information feels a little jarring and I think keeping your query chronological make more sense. Also, you could start a little slower, first introducing your version of the Monster, what he's been doing, a hint at his personality maybe. Then you could describe how the creatures first arrived, what they look like, and why the Monster thinks they must be the work of Frankenstein.

The Monster is convinced that the murderous undead creatures spreading through the mountain towns of Austria in 1887 are the work of his creator, Victor Frankenstein, whom he thought long dead. As he searches for his hated maker, his journey brings him into an uncomfortable alliance with a priest, Father Konrad Strauss, whose village has been decimated. Their shared mission will lead them on a collision course with both a mysterious band of warriors known as the Order of the Golden Rose, and a desperate and powerful vampire. The previous line seems like it is summarizing a few adventures but it doesn't really feel cohesive with the rest of the query.

As the Monster and Father Strauss battle together through town after town overrun with the undead, the tiny flame of humanity inside the Monster begins to burn brighter. But the Monster’s desire for vengeance upon his creator threatens to extinguish it. I really like the idea that the Monster is struggling with humanity, but maybe you can make it more clear what the stakes are. What brings him toward humanity, and why does he want revenge against his creator? Also, while I'm sure that Father Strauss is important in the novel, I question whether he is playing enough of a part in the query to make it worthwhile to mention him. I would probably focus on the Monster and his feelings toward Frankenstein instead.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN is a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel that takes its inspiration from Universal and Hammer horror films, and classic pulp adventure stories. It envisions the legendary Mary Shelley creation as a monstrous action hero. If so, I think we need to get a better idea of the Monster as an action hero from the previous paragraphs (show v. tell)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by Walker » February 15th, 2012, 10:00 pm

Hi Wilderness, thank you so much for taking the time to read my query. I'm glad you like the idea. I have been struggling with what to include (and not include) in the query, and how to get across the action element as well as the personal element, of the Monster regaining his humanity. Father Strauss is important as he helps the Monster in his struggles, not only physical but emotional. I'm trying to expand on why the Monster believes his creator is behind everything. It's easy to forget that the readers don't know what you have already written! Again, thanks for the guidance. I plan to post a new query in a couple of days.

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by Walker » February 18th, 2012, 2:05 pm

Here's a revision. I'd appreciate any comments.

In 1887, the Frankenstein Monster spends his days in a cave high in the Austrian Alps, isolating himself from a world that fears him. He wishes for the peace that only death can bring, but the method of his creation that made him gruesome also made him immortal. A dark, dreamless sleep is as close as he can get to oblivion.

His slumber is shattered when he is attacked by a horde of undead creatures. After nearly being killed by one of them, he discovers that it has been constructed, like him. He knows only one person could be responsible for this: his maker, Victor Frankenstein. He had believed his ‘father’ long dead. Recognizing his error, the Monster sets out to find and kill Frankenstein, and if he’s lucky, perhaps himself in the process.

On his journey, the Monster reluctantly enters into an alliance with Father Konrad Strauss, a priest whose village has been decimated by the flesh-eating creatures. Joined in common cause, the odd twosome develop a friendship while battling their way through town after town that have been over-run with the undead. As they draw ever closer to Frankenstein, the Monster begins to feel a sense of purpose, and realizes that he does not want to die after all.

But his new-found desire to live soon becomes irrelevant. Captured by Frankenstein, the Monster comes to feel that death might be preferable to the fate his creator has planned for him.

A classic horror icon meets his modern horror counterparts in FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN, a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel.

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by wilderness » February 22nd, 2012, 3:01 pm

Walker wrote:
In 1887, the Frankenstein Monster spends his days in a cave high in the Austrian Alps, isolating himself from a world that fears him. He wishes for the peace that only death can bring, but the method of his creation that made him gruesome also made him immortal. A dark, dreamless sleep is as close as he can get to oblivion.

His slumber is shattered when he is attacked by a horde of undead creatures. After nearly being killed by one of them, he discovers that it has been constructed, like him. He knows only one person could be responsible for this: his maker, Victor Frankenstein. He had believed his ‘father’ long dead. Recognizing his error,(seems redundant with what you've already explained) the Monster sets out to find and kill Frankenstein, and if he’s lucky, perhaps himself in the process.

On his journey, the Monster reluctantly enters into an alliance with Father Konrad Strauss, a priest whose village has been decimated by the flesh-eating creatures. Joined in common cause, the odd twosome develop a friendship while battling their way through town after town that have been over-run with the undead. As they draw ever closer to Frankenstein, the Monster begins to feel a sense of purpose, and realizes that he does not want to die after all.

But his new-found desire to live soon becomes irrelevant. Captured by Frankenstein, the Monster comes to feel that death might be preferable to the fate his creator has planned for him. Intriguing ending!

A classic horror icon meets his modern horror counterparts in FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN, a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel.
I like this! The premise is very clear and it leaves me wondering what happens ultimately between the Monster and his creator. Good luck querying!

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by Walker » February 22nd, 2012, 11:35 pm

Thanks Wilderness, I do appreciate you taking the time to comment. I'm going to try to smooth it out a bit more, and then it's -gasp! - time to start sending it out. I need to put on my flame-proof, extra-thick skin....

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by Lil Tailor » February 28th, 2012, 2:32 pm

I want to start by saying when I read this query the first time I was like "This can't be a real story" then it turned kind of into, hmm... I bet this could totally work...
In 1887, the Frankenstein Monster spends his days in a cave high in the Austrian Alps, isolating himself from a world that fears him. He wishes for the peace that only death can bring, but the method of his creation that made him gruesome also made him immortal. A dark, dreamless sleep is as close as he can get to oblivion.

His slumber is shattered when he is attacked by a horde of undead creatures. After nearly being killed by one of themThis line really breaks it for me. If he wants to be killed why doesn't he let the thing kill him. There's gotta be something that turns him from I wanna be dead and this thing can kill me. This seems like just his ticket., he discovers that it has been constructed, like him. He knows only one person could be responsible for this: his maker, Victor Frankenstein. He had believed his ‘father’ long dead. Recognizing his error, the Monster sets out to find and kill Frankenstein, and if he’s lucky, perhaps himself in the process.

On his journey, the Monster reluctantly why is it reluctantly? what's the deal here? why does the monster need his help anyway.enters into an alliance with Father Konrad Strauss, a priest whose village has been decimated by the flesh-eating creatures. Joined in common cause, the odd twosome develop a friendship while battling their way through town after town that have been over-run with the undead. As they draw ever closer to Frankenstein, the Monster begins to feel a sense of purpose, and realizes that he does not want to die after all. This line feels really long to me.

But his new-found desire to live soon becomes irrelevant. Captured by Frankenstein, the Monster comes to feel thatmaybe replace this with just "because" death might be preferable to the fate his creator has planned for him.

A classic horror icon meets his modern horror counterparts in FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN, a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel.

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again

Post by 4helen » February 29th, 2012, 7:02 pm

The Monster is convinced that the murderous undead creatures spreading through the mountain towns of Austria in 1887 are the work of his creator, Victor Frankenstein, whom he thought long dead. As he searches for his hated maker, his journey brings him into an uncomfortable alliance with a priest, Father Konrad Strauss, whose village has been decimated. Their shared mission will lead them on a collision course with both a mysterious band of warriors known as the Order of the Golden Rose, and a desperate and powerful vampire. This is interesting but still needs to be re-worked. The first thing that grabs me is, it's 1887, Austria, and the Monster is searching for his hated master Victor Frankenstein.

As the Monster and Father Strauss battle together through town after town overrun with the undead, the tiny flame of humanity inside the Monster begins to burn brighter. But the Monster’s desire for vengeance upon his creator threatens to extinguish it. Here, how is his humanity being fueled? By what, or whom?

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: UNDEAD AGAIN is a 98,000 word horror/adventure novel that takes its inspiration from Universal and Hammer horror films, and classic pulp adventure stories. It envisions the legendary Mary Shelley creation as a monstrous action hero--This is the best part of your query, Mary Shelley as action hero, but you totally missed inserting it before this??

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Re: Query: Frankenstein's Monster: Undead Again -revised post 6

Post by Walker » March 1st, 2012, 11:30 am

Lil, 4Helen, thanks for taking the time to comment. 4Helen, I did revise the query in post 6. If you have time, I'd love to hear what you think.

Lil, the Monster feels like he wants to die because he is alone and feared. Maybe that did not come across. The reason he does not let himself be killed? Basically because he sees the connection to Frankenstein and his desire to kill him outweighs his desire to die.

I might try to work the whole "Mary Shelley legendary character into an action hero" thing back into the last part of the query. I do think it is catchy.

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