Query: Beginnings and Ends

[HalfSaneAuthor]

Check for newer versions of the query in posts below this one.

This is a rough draft of my query. Feedback would be appreciated. Please keep criticism constructive. Thanks.



Melanie Brookford, a ninteen year old girl who recently found herself without a home or family, lives out of her car and works in the warehouse at a local paper company. At least, that was the case until she crashed her car into a flooded drainage ditch one winter night, costing her both her vehicle and her job. Things looked hopeless until a chance encounter with the man who offered her sanctuary on the night of her crash results in a surprise job offer.

She soon finds herself working as a live-in housekeeper at a large estate, completely unaware of the unique nature of the other residents: The butler, a kind man with a passion for cooking, that also happens to be one of the most talented wizards alive. A talking cat that was a vampire prior to his first encounter with the butler. And a pair of werewolves, one obsessed with food and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the other a guarded workaholic, both with blood stained pasts they would rather forget.

Beginnings and Ends is a paranormal fantasy novel complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential. The completed manuscript is available upon request.

[Quill]

This is a rough draft of my query.

Melanie Brookford, a ninteen year old

Typo: nineteen

grammar: nineteen-year-old

girl who recently found herself without a home or family,

Bit weak, finds herself without home or family. Makes it seem slight. How about "loses her home and family" or some such.

Also, "recently" doesn't add much, and disturbs the verb tense. Usually the entire query is best written in present time.

lives out of her car and works in the warehouse at a local paper company. At least, that was the case until she crashed her car into a flooded drainage ditch one winter night, costing her both her vehicle and her job.

Varying verb tense: "lives and works, then crashed." I'd make it "crashes" and "it costs".

Things looked hopeless until a chance encounter with the man who offered her sanctuary on the night of her crash results in a surprise job offer.

Okay, but as written there's not much tension. Things apparently look hopeless for an hour or two, then he offers her sanctuary (the very night of her losses,) and then offers her a job. Probably the job offer doesn't come the first night in your book, but that is how it sounds.

She soon finds herself working as a live-in housekeeper at a large estate, completely unaware of the unique nature of the other residents: The butler, a kind man with a passion for cooking, that also happens to be one of the most talented wizards alive.

Good, but as written it sounds like the other residents consist only of the butler. I'd put a semi-colon between wizard and cat, and cat and werewolves, to create it as a list.

A talking cat that was a vampire prior to his first encounter with the butler. And a pair of werewolves, one obsessed with food and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the other a guarded workaholic, both with blood stained pasts they would rather forget.

A nice roster of characters, but no plot, no crux. We need to know what sort of story we are getting into, and what is the main dilemma and choice to be made by the main character. Or if it is simply a happy-go-lucky series of adventures in the household, we need to know that. You've got a good setup and characters, but we need another paragraph hinting at what happens.

Beginnings and Ends

BEGINNINGS AND ENDS

is a paranormal fantasy novel complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

Good.

The completed manuscript is available upon request.

Omit as redundant to your previous statement of completion and the fact that you are querying.

[theWallflower]

Melanie Brookford, a ninteen year old girl who recently found herself without a home or family, lives out of her car and works in the warehouse at a local paper company. At least, that was the case until she crashed her car into a flooded drainage ditch one winter night, costing her both her vehicle and her job. Things looked hopeless until a chance encounter with the man who offered her sanctuary on the night of her crash results in a surprise job offer.

-"recently found herself" this doesn't make any sense to me -- what happened to her home and family? Something specific must have caused this. Otherwise, you can just mention she's homeless.
-Then just say she lost her job and car.
-The story really starts where she meets the mercenary. I might restructure it like this: "Melanie Brookford, a homeless nineteen-year-old, just lost her job and her car in the same night. [Thing that would happen here] until a strange man offered her sanctuary. That same man who was a soldier of fortune and offered her a job."

She soon finds herself working as a live-in housekeeper at a large estate, completely unaware of the unique nature of the other residents: The butler, a kind man with a passion for cooking, that also happens to be one of the most talented wizards alive. A talking cat that was a vampire prior to his first encounter with the butler. And a pair of werewolves, one obsessed with food and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the other a guarded workaholic, both with blood stained pasts they would rather forget.

-She "finds herself" a lot of places.
-The first sentence is long and not grammatically correct. After a colon, you should just make a short comma-delimted list.
-Why is the most talented wizard working as a butler?
-The RHCP reference falls flat for me. Pop culture doesn't translate well in books. And mentioning it in a query makes it sound like its a big part of the story.
-Speaking of story, you haven't told me what it is. You haven't given Melanie any characteristics, nor anything she wants. You haven't given her a goal or the story a goal. And you haven't told me what's at risk. You've violated the three basic rules of a query: you need to say who the protagonist is, what the protagonist wants, and what are the obstacles facing that goal.

[HalfSaneAuthor]

Thank you to all who have commented on this post. Below is a somewhat altered version of the initial query. Any corrections are appreciated (And I imagine there are plenty to be made given my severe lack of sleep, lack of access to a working word processor, and rushed work due to my limited access to a computer with an internet connection).



Melanie Brookford, a nineteen-year-old girl who loses her home and family, lives out of her car and works in the warehouse at a local paper company. At least, that was the case until she crashes her car into a flooded drainage ditch one winter night, resulting in her losing both her vehicle and her job. Things seem hopeless until a chance reencounter with the man who offered her sanctuary on the night of her crash results in a surprise job offer.

She soon finds herself working as a housekeeper at a large estate, completely unaware of the unique nature of the other residents: The butler, a kind man with a passion for cooking, that just so happens to be one of the most talented wizards alive; a talking cat that was a vampire prior to his first encounter with the butler; and a pair of werewolves, one obsessed with food and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the other a guarded workaholic, both with blood stained pasts they would rather forget.

While her housemates battle with murderous vampires and their pasts, Melanie strives simply to do her job well and befriend the other members of the household. That is, until she is pulled into their world; the veil only removed from her eyes when her very life is in danger. She must now choose between two options: To stay in the world where her friends die and the otherworldly is common place; or to return to the life she had before her job as a housekeeper, which, according to the cat, is no longer safe either.

BEGINNINGS AND ENDS is a paranormal fantasy novel complete at 100,000 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

[madmcgee]

My first impression is that you are using a lot of unnecessary words and losing the thread of the story. Too much of this query is background and detail, not conflict and action. Try using shorter sentences and check that each sentence has a subject and an action. If not, it is detail that can probably be cut.

Here are some examples:

Melanie Brookford, a nineteen-year-old girl who loses her home and family, lives out of her car and works in the warehouse at a local paper company.

Rewrite: Melanie Brookford, nineteen years old and homeless, needs her car: she lives in it.

At least, that was the case until she crashes her car into a flooded drainage ditch one winter night, resulting in her losing both her vehicle and her job. Things seem hopeless

When her car crashes, she loses both her home and her job.

She soon finds herself working as a housekeeper at a large estate, completely unaware of the unique nature of the other residents:Melanie strives simply to do her job well and befriend the other members of the household.

Melanie strives to do her job well and befriend the other members of the large estate, unaware of the unique nature of the other residents.

While her housemates battle with murderous vampires and their pasts,That is, until she is pulled into their world; the veil only removed from her eyes when her very life is in danger.

Melanie almost loses her life when murderous vampires from her housemates' pasts attack the estate.

These are just examples, but I think your sentences will be much more interesting if the reader can easily identify the action and the one acting. As the query sounds now, Melanie is a hapless victim: first, she is just homeless, but we see no tension of her trying to escape that. Then her car crashes, but she waits until someone comes along to rescue her and offer her a new job. Then she watches helplessly as vampires attack and her housemates fight them. Even the choice she must make does not sound very exciting: she must either turn her back on her new friends or except that the occult exists? Melanie needs to be the heroine of her story. Right now she feels like a bystander who's only function is to introduce the occult world to the reader.

[Beethovenfan]

Hi Halfsane author, (love that!)

Congratulations on making it this far in your writing! It's quite an accomplishment. Upon reading your query, I am left wondering if you have ever heard of the Query Shark. It's a fantastic blog by a fantastic agent - Janet Reid - that I think will REALLY help you. She has a lot of rules on her blog about entering your query so I suggest that you read EVERY and ALL query entries she has posted. She leaves incredible feedback that will, I'm sure, answer most (if not all) of your questions. Here is the website: http://queryshark.blogspot.com/
Hope this is helpful. It certainly was for me.

[oldhousejunkie]

I just want to say that I'm so sick of paranormal, fantasy, and science fiction. BUT, your story sounds AWESOME. Very unique and fun. And I can pronounce the names of your characters. So snaps to you on all of this!

I second the suggestion that you check out Query Shark; it's a good grounding on the basics of query writing, what to include, what not to include, etc. I would approach with caution on how she suggests to set up your query. She doesn't like introductory lines, which she states A LOT, but there are some agents out there who prefer that approach, so keep that in mind. I have found success recently with two introductory lines, and then starting a new paragraph describing the story. On my last round of queries, I used a query that "jumped right in" to the plot. I only got one request. But with my most recent, revised query, I have gotten three requests. I think this just validates the importance of researching agents. They all have different tastes.

Good luck to you and if your creativity is any gauge, I have a feeling we will be seeing your book on the shelves soon.