Romance novel. Query. LOVE AFFAIR

[anamk]

revised...Please leave comments

Dear Agent,

Ryan, a rich, cold-hearted businessman meets Laurel at a party after five years of separation. He is determined to win her back but Laurel can’t forgive him for failing to honour his promise to meet her years ago.

To win Laurel's affections, Ryan uses his business connections to wipe out a love rival and get closer to Laurel - by employing her as his new secretary.

As well as fighting the attraction between them, Laurel is hiding from her past- her auntie had taken Laurel from the foster home when she was sixteen, only to have Laurel transfer her inheritance to their name. But when she refused, and ran away, Laurel’s cousin followed her and tried to rape her.

Ryan can’t let her past get away in the way of their love. He had been looking for Laurel for the last five years after he was persuaded by Ryan’s uncle not to meet her when he had promised. However, his uncle now helped Ryan solve the mystery of Laurel’s past.

Laurel is faced with a choice to transfer her inheritance to her aunt otherwise she threatens to tell Ryan’s family about her low standard parents-her father who had died of alcohol problems and her run away mother who left her when she was six years old.

Ryan’s extended family had previously refused his father’s marriage to a working class girl based on such stereotypes. She fears she would not be accepted.

On the other hand, Ryan had spent the last five years of his life looking for Laurel and he can’t lose Laurel again. Like his father, he believes that he can fall in love only once and he has chosen Laurel to be his wife.

But there is one problem. Ryan’s extended family has, after many years, shown their willingness to tie the blood relations that they had broken once. And that would mean that he has to let Laurel go to conform to his family standards.

LOVE AFFAIR is a short contemporary romance of 60,000 words long.
Thank you for your consideration.

[CharleeVale]

Please leave comments

Dear Agent,

Charming, rich businessman Ryan Carter meets Laurel Khun again at a party,after five years of separation. Laurel can’t avoid the attraction between them but she also despises Ryan for not keeping his promise to meet her, after they had met for the first time.

Your first sentence starts with Ryan, so I immediately think it about him, so when the rest of the paragraph is about Laurel, it's rather jarring. Maybe switch the first sentence so that it's Laural meeting Ryan after the separation?

Ryan takes over Peter’s business, the married man he thinks to be Laurel’s lover, and for whom she works as a secretary.

This is backwards. You have to introduce Peter before you talk about him.

Laurel, however, is haunted by her past- her childhood was spent going from one foster home to another. She was discovered by her auntie Mary when Laurel was sixteen and then she was forced to transfer her property to them, which she refused. Charles, her cousin attempted to rape her and she flee to Rose Valley where she works as a secretary to Peter.

She thinks she was an orphan until her auntie, Mary reveals otherwise, telling her the truth about her run-away mother who left her when she was six years old, and demands her to marry Charles, Mary’s son, transferring Laurel’s inheritance to him that way, so they would not be suspected of foul play by her lawyers.

Laurel is forced to make the decision to either marry Charles or to tell Ryan the truth about her parent and face his revulsion, as such behaviour is condemned by his family.

LOVE AFFAIR is a short contemporary romance of 60,000 words long.
Thank you for your consideration.

Personally, I think this is what Query shark would tell you is character soup. There's too many character's introduced, and it gets confusing. All you need are the main characters, goals, and obstacles.

[Walker]

I think CharleeVale's comments are spot on. I got confused by all the different characters almost immediately. I would just focus on the core of your story. Good luck with your query!

[oldhousejunkie]

revised...Please leave comments

Dear Agent,

I was originally a fan of the delve right in query, but I am re-considering this. I wrote a new version of my query where I opened it with a sentence about why I was querying that particular agent. And a sentence about my novel (genre). It seems to have worked as I have racked up 3 requests (out of 10 queries). Previously, I had queried the same novel using the delve right in style, and only received one request. Give it some thought.

Ryan, a rich, cold-hearted businessman meets Laurel at a party after five years of separation. He is determined to win her back but Laurel can’t forgive him for failing to honour his promise to meet her years ago.

To win Laurel's affections, Ryan uses his business connections to wipe out a love rival and get closer to Laurel - by employing her as his new secretary. Why would she want to be his secretary when he betrayed her?

As well as fighting the attraction between them, Laurel is hiding from her past- her auntie had taken Laurel from the foster home when she was sixteen, only to have Laurel transfer her inheritance to their name. But when she refused, and ran away, Laurel’s cousin followed her and tried to rape her. This is too much back story. And personally, I would open the main paragraph of the query with this information. Specifically the part about Laurel running from her past and why. So far I don't see a compelling reason for her to be running. I think there is a compelling reason but it's not coming across.

Ryan can’t let her past get away in the way of their love. He had been looking for Laurel for the last five years after he was persuaded by Ryan’s uncle not to meet her when he had promised. However, his uncle now helped Ryan solve the mystery of Laurel’s past.

Laurel is faced with a choice to transfer her inheritance to her aunt otherwise she threatens to tell Ryan’s family about her low standard parents-her father who had died of alcohol problems and her run away mother who left her when she was six years old. I'm confused. How does she have an inheritance when she was abandoned by her low standard parents? Plus I'm not buying this. Who cares if her father was an alcoholic and her mother left? There needs to be a reason for Laurel to be REALLY afraid.

Ryan’s extended family had previously refused his father’s marriage to a working class girl based on such stereotypes. She fears she would not be accepted. Ryan seems like the type of guy who wouldn't care about this sort of thing.

On the other hand, Ryan had spent the last five years of his life looking for Laurel and he can’t lose Laurel again. Like his father, he believes that he can fall in love only once and he has chosen Laurel to be his wife. This is the second or third time you've mentioned that he's been looking for her.

But there is one problem. Ryan’s extended family has, after many years, shown their willingness to tie the blood relations that they had broken once. And that would mean that he has to let Laurel go to conform to his family standards.

LOVE AFFAIR is a short contemporary romance of 60,000 words long. This reads awkward. Perhaps: "LOVE AFFAIR is complete at 60,000 words. (I would mention at the very top where you state why you are querying the agent that the novel is a contemporary romance.
Thank you for your consideration.

OK. This query is all over the place, BUT no worries! You have to start somewhere. Consider this:

-Write this query chronologically. You were flipping back and forth between what happened in the past and what is going on presently. It's extremely confusing.
-POV is all over the place as well. You start out with Ryan and end with Laurel. As Charlee mentioned, this doesn't read well. I think it would read better if you combined your sentences. You can with one character, incorporate their interactions, and end with the opposite character.
-Going forward, I would suggest that you structure the query this way:

1. Open with the two lines about why you are querying that agent and what type of book it is. So this: I am a follower of your blog and understand you are interested in acquiring contemporary romance. I would be very pleased if you would consider my manuscript, LOVE AFFAIR.
2. Start a new paragraph. Talk about Laurel and Ryan's past. Keep this paragraph relatively short as it is effectively backstory. I would start with something akin to "Laurel and Ryan's love for each other was straight out of a fairy tale. She was a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, abandoned by her family, while he was the pampered son of a wealthy industrialist. Forced apart by his family, Laurel flees and stays hidden for five years."
3. Next paragraph. "Ryan has never stopped looking for his lost love. Now a ruthless, but wealthy businessman (or I like "financier"...it has more panache), he can afford to live by his own rules. He unexpectantly meets Laurel at a party and becomes determined to win her back. But proving that he is no longer in the thrall of his family isn't easy. She has built up a protective wall around her heart and to complicate matters, she on the run from the scheming aunt who wants her inheritance. When Laurel's past catches up with her, will Ryan be swayed by her unsavory connections or will he finally prove his love?"
4. Closing lines. "LOVE AFFAIR is complete at 60,000 words. [Insert credentials or appropriately interesting thing about your background.]"

Good luck to you. This sounds very intriguing...a twist on Jane Austen's "Persuasion" to some extent.