IN MY BLOOD - Paranormal YA

[geistwrite]

Hello All - -
I've been trying out a few things on this query and could really use your feedback. It's a big 'ol honkin' book, so I have to grab 'em and certainly can't sum up the whole story in one little letter. So, does this grab you? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

....

In Rhianna’s blood there are two killers. One hunts by force and cunning, the other by subtle allure. Both are hunting her. Both want her dead. She was never supposed to exist in the first place. Wolves and vampires are mortal enemies. A union should have been impossible, and a child of that union is an atrocity.

When two brothers come searching for her, one from each feuding side of her blood, they begin a waterfall of events which spark a war within her. Their protective love for her turns into a battle for her life as her two blood types are thrown out of balance. She can’t escape the deadly mix, because it’s inside of her they are destined to collide.

Brother’s in arms, and lovers entwined, they cannot be divided. Except by her, if she can survive the battle that rages in her blood.

IN MY BLOOD is a 130,000 word Paranormal YA.

[Walker]

Hi Geistwrite, I'm also trying to work out a query letter at the moment so I understand where you're coming from. I'm a total novice but I'm happy to give you some feedback simply as a reader.

Hello All - -
I've been trying out a few things on this query and could really use your feedback. It's a big 'ol honkin' book, so I have to grab 'em and certainly can't sum up the whole story in one little letter. So, does this grab you? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

....

In Rhianna’s blood there are two killers. One hunts by force and cunning, the other by subtle allure. Both are hunting her. Both want her dead. She was never supposed to exist in the first place. Wolves and vampires are mortal enemies. A union should have been impossible, and a child of that union is an atrocity.

Werewolves and vampires -two of my favorite things! You've already got my attention, and I get what you're saying here about the two conflicting sides of Rhianna's nature, but you might want to spell things out a little more. When you say, "Both are hunting her. Both want her dead," I assume you're talking about the two factions but since you are also discussing what's inside of her, I'm not sure how to interpret this.

When two brothers come searching for her, one from each feuding side of her blood, they begin a waterfall of events which spark a war within her. Their protective love for her turns into a battle for her life as her two blood types are thrown out of balance. She can’t escape the deadly mix, because it’s inside of her they are destined to collide.

Now we get to the heart of things. But I am confused: how can the two people hunting Rhianna be brothers if they are from different sides of her blood? Also, the word 'waterfall' seems a little off. I know what you mean but maybe something like 'cascade' might work better? Just a thought.

Brother’s in arms, and lovers entwined, they cannot be divided. Except by her, if she can survive the battle that rages in her blood.

IN MY BLOOD is a 130,000 word Paranormal YA.

I like the idea of the mixed blood character -it has tons of potential. But I'm not sure what this last sentence means. Does Rhianna fall in love with the two brothers? Does she have to make a choice? What exactly is happening to her inside -how do the different sides of her nature affect her? I'd love to have this explained a little more, as I am very intrigued by the concept. I hope this is helpful, and best of luck with your query.

[masonblack]

I agree with all of Walker's comments. The only thing I add would is 130,000 words is really long for this genre. Most agents won't look at anything over 95,000. Suggest cutting a little to make it more marketable.

Good luck!

[geistwrite]

Thanks for the feedback! It's helpful to see it from fresh eyes and know the strength/weakness.
Appreciate the response.

[chocofudges]

Hi!
I really like this. I'm curious as to where in the query letter you're positioning this. If you do it at the start, I think it will immediately draw in the attention of your reader. But some sites out there say to introduce your book (word #, genre, etc.) right at the start. I'm new to query letters myself haha, so I was wondering which format (if any of these) you were going to choose.