Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)

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COhiker
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Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)

Post by COhiker » November 22nd, 2011, 7:20 pm

Thank you for your help :)

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.

She is.

Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity. As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read. Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.

When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life. The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it. Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret.

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Quill
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Re: Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)

Post by Quill » November 23rd, 2011, 9:45 am

Not bad. Succinct and intriguing.
Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.

She is.
I like the janitor's closet detail.
Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity
Subject agreement: "Bridget's mind, being a teen telepath." Isn't it Bridget who is the teen?
As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to
Subject agreement: "Bridget's investigation, as someone who knows the truths." The investigation isn't a someone who knows.
suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read.
Awkward sentence: How about simply "leads her to the person she trusts the most..." Dropping the "suspect the one" is more direct and loses the redundant one/only. It still leaves a double "person".
Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.
Good.
When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life.
Good, but repeats the "When" to start the sentence, of the previous sentence.
The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it.
How can he want her blood (to kill her?) and be able to make use of her abilities? Wouldn't he want her alive, or is this an ability that can be transferred to him?

Also, a bit awkward, sounding like a run-on sentence, "the killer, the killer" and I'm not quite on board with the double "the killer."
Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret.
Okay, but not entirely clear what is at stake for her. Sounds like it's only her secret. What are the consequences of others knowing her secret?

Also, there's a disconnect between "forced" and "risk". Risk usually (or at least more dramatically) implies a voluntary choice or step. You've undercut the weight of this by having her potentially forced, having no choice in the matter.
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Be nice to know your genre and word count.

Good, generally. I'd say fix the grammar and ratchet up the tension at the end. The crux must be clear and mean something to (emotionally grip) the reader.

thewhipslip
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Re: Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)

Post by thewhipslip » November 28th, 2011, 11:16 am

COhiker wrote:Thank you for your help :)

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.I feel like I want more detail here. Not sure why she would think she's the next target.

She is.

Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity Is this why she think she's the next target? And why would she assume the killer knows about her ability? Just need a bit more information here.. As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read.I wanted to know what she plans to do now that she suspects her boyfriend, but the next part doesn't lead logically from that. Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty what halls? the school hallways?. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.still wanting more information. I felt like the "fiery eyes" bit was a little too random. How is she exposing her tormentor? And is it not her boyfriend at this point, or does she think it still is?

When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life How are they destroying her life?. The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it This is a great conflict, but I'm not sure why the killer would go after a cheerleader if all they wanted was Bridget. Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret So why does she think the killer knows about her abilities if she keeps them a secret? I would elaborate a bit more on that, create the conflict with that. Bridget's hidden her abilities all her life, but now someone knows - and they're willing to kill her to get them.. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret. Not feeling the real conflict here. So what if the whole school knows? They'll come after her too? Elaborate more on that.

good start here. it needs more cohesion, in my opinion. add in some more details. I found the boyfriend bit confusing, since he's never mentioned again. if his involvement is a real conflict, I would put it closer to the end for more intrigue. hope this helps!
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priya g.
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Re: Query for BRIDGET (YA Supernatural Thriller)

Post by priya g. » November 28th, 2011, 5:22 pm

COhiker wrote:Thank you for your help :)

Dear Agent,

When sixteen-year-old Bridget Ferns finds a dead cheerleader in the janitor’s closet, she fears that she might be the killer’s next target.

She is.

Being a teenage telepath, Bridget’s mind possesses the only clues leading to the killer’s identity. As someone who knows the shocking truths that pass through her classmate’s heads, Bridget’s investigation leads her to suspect the one person she trusts most – her boyfriend Terrence, the only person whose thoughts she can’t read. Now someone is taunting her, calling her name when the halls are empty. But when Bridget tries to expose her tormentor, she’s nearly beaten to death by a mind controlled minion with fiery eyes.

When Bridget finds the killer’s hideout she stumbles upon a horde of brainwashed classmates all programmed to destroy her life. The killer wants more than Bridget’s blood, the killer wants her soul and the mind reading abilities that come with possessing it. Bridget must discover the killer’s true identity while keeping her abilities a secret. If she’s forced to take part in this soul-sucking ritual, Bridget risks watching her loved ones die before it’s her turn. But if she survives her Junior year, the entire school will have learned her secret.

[Bio info]
Wow! this is a beautiful query- i love it! but the only problem i have is when you mention her boyfriend- and the fact that she cant read her mind. you leave it at that. is it important to the story? does Terrence have anything more to do with it? from what i have learnt, put only the essential characters and details in your query- and stick to them till the end!
All the best :)

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