Query: Voices Unspoken

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Jade
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Query: Voices Unspoken

Post by Jade » November 1st, 2011, 8:41 pm

Dear Agent,

Abbey Long believes her only option after shooting her mother’s boyfriend is to run away. Not only does she run away from home, her memories, and the past—but from the law as well. What Abbey doesn’t know, is she’s a schizophrenic, who hears and sees what others do not. Making her way from town to town, Abbey travels further from help and deeper into a false reality.

Inside Abbey’s troubled mind, four distinct voices are guiding her to “the real world,” a place as mysterious as Abbey's mental condition. Abbey believes the only person who will know where and what it might be is her father. After three days of traveling with extreme paranoia, Abbey truly begins to question her decisions and the companions which dwell within her head, but by then, “the real world” is just around the corner.

Abbey shows up on her father’s doorstep, only to discover that he isn’t home, and hasn’t been for some time. Then, completing Abbey’s delusion, it suddenly all makes sense. “The real world” is death, to join her father would mean to use the very gun that began the journey. A choice will have to be made, one that will change her life forever.

VOICES UNSPOKEN, my first novel, is an edgy young adult novel complete at 43,000 words.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jade Law

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wilderness
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Re: Query: Voices Unspoken

Post by wilderness » November 3rd, 2011, 5:48 pm

Hmm, I think it would be more compelling to rewrite the query from Abbey's perspective. If Abbey doesn't know she has schizophrenia, then don't tell us she does. Just tell us what she thinks/sees/hears. That would, I assume, be a lot closer to how your novel is told. I feel you are giving too much away, when it could be presented as a psychological thriller like the movie A Beautiful Mind.

Also I find the quotes around the "the real world" confusing because I'm not sure what you're trying to imply. I think you should remove the quotes around them, or expand the sentence to use the actual dialogue Abbey is hearing.

Hope that helps and good luck!

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Jade
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Re: Query: Voices Unspoken

Post by Jade » November 3rd, 2011, 7:37 pm

Yes it does very much!!! Thank you!! :)

thewhipslip
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Re: Query: Voices Unspoken

Post by thewhipslip » November 16th, 2011, 11:51 am

Jade wrote:Dear Agent,

Abbey Long believes her only option after shooting her mother’s boyfriend is to run away. Not only does she run away from home, her memories, and the past—but from the law as well this is sort of implied if she's running away. not feeling a tremendous of conflict yet. what did she kill her mother's boyfriend for?. What Abbey doesn’t know,no comma is she’s a schizophrenic, no "who" here. start a knew sentence with "She hears and sees...who hears and sees what others do not. Making her way from town to town, Abbey travels further from help and deeper into a false reality. need more specifics here. what is she seeing and where is she going? what is she doing during this time? just wandering around?

Inside Abbey’s troubled mind, four distinct voices are guiding her to “the real world,” a place as mysterious as Abbey's mental condition be more specific here.. Abbey believes the only person who will know where and what it might be is her father I need to know what "the real world" means. there's no context for it in this case and it's not really drawing me in. also need to give some reason why she thinks her father is connected, and I'm not getting a sense for Abbey's mental state either. Is she sort of functional but just hearing voices, or is she totally consumed by her illness and lost in her mind?. After three days of traveling with extreme paranoia note sure what "extreme paranoia" means. if she's not functioning, then how is she traveling? does she have money? how far does she have to go? all of this information will provide conflict and create interest, Abbey truly begins to question her decisions and the companions which dwell within her head what decisions? and if she knows the voices aren't real, then she's not really ill, is she? the whole point of madness is not being aware that you're ill, but by then, “the real world” is just around the corner. definitely need to know what "the real world" is

Abbey shows up on her father’s doorstep, only cut the comma and "only"to discover that he isn’t home, and hasn’t been for some time. Then, completing Abbey’s delusion her delusion of what?, it suddenly all makes sense. “The real world” is death, to join her father would mean to use the very gun that began the journey. A choice will have to be made, one that will change her life forever. okay, so what's the conflict here? what is the purpose of the story and what choice is Abbey really making? why can't she choose not to shoot herself? need more specifics here. it sounds like there's something interesting going on, but I don't know what it is. I think it needs to be specifically stated whether or not Abbey is actually schizophrenic, or if there's some plot going on to make her think she is. try to add in more info, see how you do.

VOICES UNSPOKEN, my first novel unless the agent asks in their requirements if it's your first novel, you can leave that part out, is an edgy young adult novel complete at 43,000 words the word count is a little low, even for young adult. You're in novella territory under 50,000.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jade Law
http://elenasolodow.blogspot.com/ - Submit your 250-500 word excerpt to be read out loud in a vlog post!

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