Query: The Protected (Paranormal Romance)

[vanillasparkle13]

Dear [Agent],

After a harrowing night that unlocks their supernatural powers, Monica Rivera and Derek Warner must embrace their love and destinies in order to survive a secret society hell-bent on one goal: to restore their Key at all costs. The first in a series, my 91,000-word novel THE PROTECTED is a paranormal romance populated with racially diverse characters set in New York City.

Monica —a 29-year-old appraiser whose true, supernatural self is partially unlocked the night she narrowly escapes her ex-fiancé’s murder attempt—meets Derek when she almost runs him over with her car. Hardened by the cruelty of others, she finds her soul mate in the man who’s been inexorably linked to her since birth.

Living under the strain of a purposeless life, Derek’s world is transformed when he meets Monica— a woman who holds the power to call him and his unknown abilities whenever she’s in peril. In spite of her prophetic dreams that foretell danger, she gives in to her yearnings and they experience an incomparable love that is soon ripped apart by the Vertiras—a secret society that’s been searching for her sacred bloodline ever since Monica’s mother escaped.

Monica (the Key) and Derek (the Protector) find each other again, but are quickly held prisoner by the Vertiras. And when Monica is fully unlocked, the portal that is brought forth is as unexpected as her coma—and the child she is carrying.


I have pasted in this email the synopsis and the first five pages, and will be glad to send you the entire manuscript at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

[GingerWrite]

Dear [Agent],

After a harrowing night that unlocks their supernatural powers, Monica Rivera and Derek Warner must embrace their love and destinies in order to survive a secret society hell-bent on one goal: to restore their Key at all costs restoring their Key (since you already said hell-bent, it's redundant to say at all costs). The first in a series, my 91,000-word novel THE PROTECTED is a paranormal romance populated with racially diverse characters delete set in New York City what time period?.

Monica —a 29-year-old appraiser whose true, supernatural self is partially unlocked the night she narrowly escapes her ex-fiancé’s murder attempt run-on. You should separate this information and spread it out—meets Derek when she almost runs him over with her car. Hardened by the cruelty of others, she finds her soul mate in the man who’s been inexorably linked to her since birth how?.

Living under the strain of a purposeless life, Derek’s world is transformed when he meets Monica— a woman who holds the power to call him and his unknown abilities whenever she’s in peril. In spite of her prophetic dreams that foretell danger, she gives in to her yearnings and they experience an incomparable love that is soon ripped apart by the Vertiras repetitive formatting and another run-on. Also, you switch perspectives mid-paragraph.—a secret society that’s been searching for her sacred bloodline ever since Monica’s mother escaped extrapolate.

Monica (the Key) delete and Derek (the Protector) delete or place information elsewhere find each other again, but are quickly held prisoner by the Vertiras. And when Monica is fully unlocked, the portal that is brought forth is as unexpected as her coma—and the child she is carrying.


I have pasted in this email the synopsis and the first five pages, and will be glad to send you the entire manuscript at your request.delete I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

So you develop the character, but we have no idea what happens in the story after Monica and Derek meet. Some secret society is chasing them but we don't know about anything else, or what will happen if they're caught. Increase tension, include more action points.

[Emily J]

Dear [Agent],

After a harrowing night that unlocks their supernatural powers, Monica Rivera and Derek Warner must embrace their love and destinies in order to survive a secret society hell-bent on one goal: to restore their Key what does Key mean in this context? at all costs. <-- too much information crammed into this first sentence The first in a series, my 91,000-word novel THE PROTECTED is a paranormal romance populated with racially diverse characters set in New York City.

Monica —a 29-year-old appraiser whose true, supernatural self is partially unlocked the night she narrowly escapes her ex-fiancé’s murder attempt— <-- this embedded clause is far too long and makes the sentence awkward meets Derek when she almost runs him over with her car. Hardened by the cruelty of others, <-- this feels a little vague she finds her soul mate in the man who’s been inexorably linked to her since birth.

Living under the strain of a purposeless life, <-- his description is also rather vague Derek’s world is transformed when he meets Monica— a woman who holds the power to call him and his unknown abilities whenever she’s in peril. In spite of her prophetic dreams that foretell danger, she gives in to her yearnings this does not follow logically without establishing why her prophetic dreams are a hindrance to the romance and they experience an incomparable love telling that is soon ripped apart by the Vertiras like Veritas? —a secret society that’s been searching for her sacred bloodline ever since Monica’s mother escaped. <-- too much information in this sentence as well, its a bit overwhelming to the reader

Monica (the Key) and Derek (the Protector) find each other again, but are quickly held prisoner by the Vertiras. And when Monica is fully unlocked, this sounded kinda kinky to me, ^_^ the portal that is brought forth is as unexpected as her coma—and the child she is carrying. <-- ooh! I like the punch ending


I have pasted in this email the synopsis and the first five pages, and will be glad to send you the entire manuscript at your request. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

I like your story idea, it definitely appeals to me but right now, honestly, I don't think your query is doing your novel justice. The first paragraph is redundant, stating generically information that follows (aside from title and word count but I would put that at the end, start with the story). You have a few sentences that are stumbling blocks for the reader because they are crammed with too much information. Also, the query right now is awash in generalities, aside from Monica's profession, I know almost no concrete details. What does the Key mean? Or the Protector? What is Vertiras? How is Monica's mother important? What type of supernatural powers or magic are involved? I don't think you need to necessarily answer all these questions but I want to point out how there is too much hinted at that is not adequately explained. And as GingerWrite pointed out you switch perspectives in the paragraph that starts with Derek's POV, perhaps you should just stick with Monica's POV? I know it is common in romance queries to have both the male & female POV but I think you should either drop the Derek POV part or shore it up a bit.
I do like the ending, you leave the reader wanting more, dropping the coma and the preggers bombs effectively. But I think you can improve the rest of the query to really pull the reader into Monica and Derek's story. Good luck with your querying and writing!