MURALET - YA fantasy (formerly Bloodlines) *revised*

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Megs6703
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MURALET - YA fantasy (formerly Bloodlines) *revised*

Post by Megs6703 » July 14th, 2011, 2:59 pm

**I've revised this query. The most recent version can be found in the replies below- It's the 8th reply.

I know this needs work, but I've stared at it for so long that I can't figure out what to do with it, so I think that means it's time to turn it over to you guys. Feel free to rip it to pieces- I appreciate your feedback!

Dear [AGENT],

The Fellowship has protected the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world for decades. (Except Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention whore.) Apprentices in the Fellowship are trained to do whatever it takes to ensure that humans go on thinking that fairies, centaurs, leprechauns, and the like do not exist.

Even though her adoptive parents had warned her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she is destined to join the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is or why she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical. Still, he knows things about her that she’s never said aloud and tells her she will see places she’s only dreamed of, which is really all the small-town girl needs to hear. Seth is relieved when he strikes a nerve with that “see the world” angle. He’s not at all looking forward to telling her the true reason that she must leave for mystical Ellauria immediately—she just landed at the top of the endangered species list now that Whalen, a superhuman with a serious inferiority complex, has discovered that his last chance for immortality flows within Grace's veins.

Bloodlines, my young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 55,000 words. (Then I'll add some personal bio info. Also, there's part of me that wants to say "Bloodlines, my young adult fantasy novel which has zero vampires in it, is complete at 55,000 words." lol. Which probably means I'll end up changing my title.)
Last edited by Megs6703 on July 21st, 2011, 10:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by charlotte49ers » July 14th, 2011, 3:23 pm

I suck at queries, but the first thing that popped out at me is that you started with the Fellowship instead of your MC and I wanted to make a connection to her first, then learn about her world. :-) Interesting premise, though!

Also, Bloodlines is the name of Richelle Mead's Vampire Academy spin-off, so you might want to consider a title change.

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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by markimedes » July 14th, 2011, 3:35 pm

Heh, I liked it, and there's some good wit. As you suspected, from the title alone I was waiting for a vampire to turn up :-)

I'm only a beginner at this critique thing, but here's a couple of things:
Megs6703 wrote: Dear [AGENT],

The Fellowship has protected the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world for decades (except Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention whore). I removed the full-stop (period if you're US) before the bracket and moved the other one after - I think this is right, but check in case I'm wrong. I also wanted to read it as "attention-seeking whore" and fumbled a bit - just to let you know. Apprentices in the Fellowship are trained to do whatever it takes to ensure that humans go on thinking that fairies, centaurs, leprechauns, and the like do not exist.

Even though her adoptive parents had warned her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she is destined to join the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is or why she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical. Still, he knows things about her that she’s never said aloud and tells her she will see places she’s only dreamed of, which is really all the small-town girl needs to hear. I'd be tempted to start a new paragraph here, as the POV seems to change from Grace to Seth.Seth is relieved when he strikes a nerve with that “see the world” angle. Dunno why, but this sentence doesn't settle quite right with me. It seems a bit superfluous to me, like it's there only as a lead-in sentence for Seth. He’s not at all looking forward to telling her coming clean about the true reason that she Grace must leave for mystical Ellauria immediately—she just landed at the top of the endangered species list now that Whalen, a superhuman what makes him superhuman? You might want to drop "superhuman" altogether and state/name his ability, maybe have some fun with it with a serious inferiority complex, has discovered that his last chance for immortality flows within Grace's veins. But definitely not a vampire? :-)

Bloodlines, my young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 55,000 words. (Then I'll add some personal bio info. Also, there's part of me that wants to say "Bloodlines, my young adult fantasy novel which has zero vampires in it, is complete at 55,000 words." lol. Which probably means I'll end up changing my title.)
Sorry if I'm not scathing enough. Overall I liked it, understood what the book's about etc. If there's romantic interest between Seth and Grace you may want to make it clear *shrugs*, I really think a bit of an explanation of Whalen is needed though, as we know we've got fairies and mythical creatures, and then all of a sudden we've got superheroes and supervillians too. That's how it came across to me, anyhow. I'm left wondering if Apprentices have special powers and/or what's so special about Grace that she's the only person/being with this special blood? If intentional, great, dunno if it's something that should be explained in a query.

Hope I've helped at least a little, and best of luck.

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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by CharleeVale » July 14th, 2011, 3:41 pm

Megs6703 wrote:I know this needs work, but I've stared at it for so long that I can't figure out what to do with it, so I think that means it's time to turn it over to you guys. Feel free to rip it to pieces- I appreciate your feedback!

Dear [AGENT],

The Fellowship has protected the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world for decades. (Except Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention whore.) Apprentices in the Fellowship are trained to do whatever it takes to ensure that humans go on thinking that fairies, centaurs, leprechauns, and the like do not exist.At first Thought this was ok, but see my next note.

Even though her adoptive parents had warned her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she is destined to join the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is or why she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical. I love this. This should be the first thing in your query. I don't need to know what the fellowship is to be hooked, and frankly it may work against you. (The first thing I though of when reading that paragraph was the brotherhood of priests from the movie Van Helsing. It sounds similar. Still, he knows things about her that she’s never said aloud and tells her she will see places she’s only dreamed of, which is really all the small-town girl needs to hear. Seth is relieved when he strikes a nerve with that “see the world” angle. He’s not at all looking forward to telling her the true reason that she must leave for mystical Ellauria immediately—she just landed at the top of the endangered species list now that Whalen, a superhuman with a serious inferiority complex, has discovered that his last chance for immortality flows within Grace's veins. You kind of switched viewpoints half-way through your paragraph, from hers to his. Not sure why that is. I think it would be more intriguing to keep it her point of view, slam us with the fact that she's a key to immortality, and leave us hanging. The point of a query is to leave them wanting to see more.

Bloodlines, my young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 55,000 words. (Then I'll add some personal bio info. Also, there's part of me that wants to say "Bloodlines, my young adult fantasy novel which has zero vampires in it This is funny, depends on the agent you're sending it to., is complete at 55,000 words." lol. Which probably means I'll end up changing my title.)
I think you've got a good start. Keep going!

CV

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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by Megs6703 » July 14th, 2011, 8:52 pm

Thank you all SO MUCH for your help. I've tried to incorporate everyone's suggestions in round 2. Your feeback really showed me that my query didn't do such a great job of telling what the book was actually ABOUT.

charlotte49ers- thanks for the note about the title. My original title was just Grace of Ellauria, but I ended up hating that too. :) Maybe by the time I actually get around to querying I will have come up with some amazing title!! I'll go back to calling it Grace of Ellauria though, since the other series just came out (and it's predecessor was so successful)!

Here's another stab at it- although I'm not crazy about the end, and I think this might be a bit too long (350 words). However, I tried harder to let more of my voice shine through, and I think that helps...
_________________________________
Dear [Agent],

Even though her adoptive parents have always advised her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she must come with him to mystical Ellauria to fulfill her role as an Apprentice in a mysterious group called the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is or why she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical.

Of course Seth can’t just come out and tell Grace that the Fellowship is responsible for protecting the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world (except for Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention-whore); just like he can’t tell her that the reason she’s been “chosen” is because of her lineage (she’s a magical-mortal hybrid, just like every other Apprentice in the Fellowship).

Upon arriving in Ellauria, Grace understands why Seth had been vague about the Fellowship’s purpose. Elves, unicorns, leprechauns…they’re all there, along with many creatures she’s never heard of. One day in, she already has a more exciting social life than she’d ever had back home, complete with a bestie, Lulu, a spunky pixie with a taste for sweet tea; a smoking hot crush, Keiran, the Fellowship’s most swoon-worthy Apprentice; and a nemesis, Agnes, the fairy who despises half-breeds like Grace.

When Ellauria’s security is breeched and Grace is attacked, she learns the most pressing reason behind Seth’s sudden interference into her life: Whalen, a human with too much knowledge and too little humanity, has discovered the mystical world’s best-kept secret: a bloodline long thought to be extinct, one with magical properties strong enough to grant him the immortality he so deeply desires, is alive and well in Grace. With her life on the line and all of Ellauria at risk, Grace must work quickly to determine who can be trusted, who isn’t who they say they are, and who would benefit most from her demise.
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-Megs
"Find joy in the journey."

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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by Megs6703 » July 15th, 2011, 10:34 am

Ok I think the last one was terrible, and I'm not even waiting for your feedback before I post a new one. Is that poor form? I apologize. I also apologize to any of you who read that last try. I'm not sure what I was thinking last night.....but when I read it this morning I was like, "Wow. I suck."

So here's what I've just come up with, which I think is better......though not at all perfect. It's much closer to what I want, I think.

Even though her adoptive parents have always advised her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she must come with him to mystical Ellauria to fulfill her role as an Apprentice in a mysterious group called the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is or why she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical.

Of course Seth can’t just come out and say that the Fellowship is responsible for protecting the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world (except for Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention-whore); likewise, he can’t just tell her that the reason she’s been “chosen” is because of her lineage (she’s a magical-mortal hybrid, just like every other Apprentice in the Fellowship).

Upon arrival in Ellauria, Grace soon discovers that even magical teenagers are not without their problems—what with learning that the infinitely powerful substance flowing in her veins makes her the target of a host of supernatural psychos, finding out that her hot new crush is the son of none other than the self-proclaimed king of the aforementioned psychos, and realizing that most of what she thought she knew about magical creatures is a bunch of crap. (Thanks a lot, Walt Disney.) When tragedy threatens to strike Grace both in Ellauria and the mortal realm, she must work quickly to save the ones she loves. But who can she trust to help her when it becomes clear that her magical blood is too much of a temptation for even the most admired Ellaurians?

Grace of Ellauria, my YA urban fantasy novel, is complete at 55,000 words. (Blah blah blah, personal bio stuff that makes me sound awesome.)
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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by oldhousejunkie » July 15th, 2011, 10:50 am

Excellent turn-around! I love your sense of humor, but I feel that it is overkill in some places. Queries are still a business letter, so you have to find that fine blend of voice vs. business.
Megs6703 wrote:Ok I think the last one was terrible, and I'm not even waiting for your feedback before I post a new one. Is that poor form? I apologize. I also apologize to any of you who read that last try. I'm not sure what I was thinking last night.....but when I read it this morning I was like, "Wow. I suck." It wasn't that bad. :-)

So here's what I've just come up with, which I think is better......though not at all perfect. It's much closer to what I want, I think.

Even though her adoptive parents have always advised her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she must come with him to mystical Ellauria to fulfill her role as an Apprentice in a mysterious group called the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is orwhy she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical.

Of course Seth can’t just come out and say that the Fellowship is responsible for protecting the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world (except for Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention-whore); likewise, he can’t just tell her that the reason she’s been “chosen” is because of her lineage (she’s a magical-mortal hybrid, just like every other Apprentice in the Fellowship). You've got that POV change going on here. Try recasting this paragraph from Grace's perspective even if it's "But what Grace doesn't know is that the Fellowship...

Upon arrival in Ellauria, Grace soon discovers that even magical teenagers are not without their problems—what with learning that the infinitely powerful substance flowing in her veins makes her the target of a host of supernatural psychos, finding out that her hot new crush is the son of none other than the self-proclaimed king of the aforementioned psychos, and realizing that most of what she thought she knew about magical creatures is a bunch of crap. This sentence is ridiculously long. Maybe if it wasn't so wordy, it would be easier to follow.(Thanks a lot, Walt Disney.) When tragedy threatens to strike Grace both in Ellauria and the mortal realm, she must work quickly to save the ones she loves. But who can she trust to help her when it becomes clear that her magical blood is too much of a temptation for even the most admired Ellaurians? You make the stakes very clear. Good job.

Grace of Ellauria, my YA urban fantasy novel, is complete at 55,000 words. (Blah blah blah, personal bio stuff that makes me sound awesome.)
I'm sure some of the seasoned folks here can make some more comments regarding what can be trimmed out, but overall, this is good. Best of luck to you!

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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by CharleeVale » July 15th, 2011, 2:49 pm

I actually like your 'first second' query better, maybe with a few lines from the 'second second.'
Megs6703 wrote: Dear [Agent],

Even though her adoptive parents have always advised her to avoid strangers in the park, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. When he says she must come with him to mystical Ellauria to fulfill her role as an Apprentice in a mysterious group called the Fellowship, but can’t tell her what it is or why she has to be a part of it, Grace is understandably skeptical. You have a great sense of humor. You should use it here. Maybe something along the lines of "Of course she should go with him to Ellauria right this second without saying good bye to anyone. Yeah right." You can give the agent a little more sense of character here, whatever you choose to do.

Of course Seth can’t just come out and tell Grace that the Fellowship is responsible for protecting the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world (except for Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention-whore); just like he can’t tell her that the reason she’s been “chosen” is because of her lineage (she’s a magical-mortal hybrid, just like every other Apprentice in the Fellowship). I don't think you need this. Leaving her lineage a mystery is more intriguing.

Upon arriving in Ellauria, Grace understands why Seth had been vague about the Fellowship’s purpose. Elves, unicorns, leprechaunsIn your first paragraph you introduced an m-dash. Stay consistent.they’re all there, along with many creatures she’s never heard of.Insert from other QueryPlus, most of what she thought she knew about magical creatures is a bunch of crap. (Thanks a lot, Walt Disney.) One day in, she already has a more exciting social life than she’d ever had back home, complete withabestie, Lulu, a spunky pixie with a taste for sweet tea; a smoking hot crush, Keiran, the Fellowship’s most swoon-worthy Apprentice; andanemesis. Agnes, the fairy who despises half-breeds like Grace.

When Ellauria’s security is breeched and Presumably, if someone is attacked, there is a lapse in security, so it's kind of redundant. Grace is attacked, she learns the most pressing reason behind Seth’s sudden interference into her life: Whalen, a human with too much knowledge and too little humanity, has discovered the mystical world’s best-kept secret: a bloodline long thought to be extinct, one with magical properties strong enough to grant him the immortality he so deeply desires, is alive and well in Grace. With her life on the line and all of Ellauria at risk, Grace must work quickly to determine who can be trusted, who isn’t who they say they are, and who would benefit most from her demise. I really like this paragraph, much better than the ending of your other new one. It's full of tension and leaves the reader hanging.
Now, I know I made a lot of edits, and that sometimes it's hard to see past all the strikethroughs and different colors. So I'm going to edit everything I did together right here so you can read it straight through and get a sense of it.

Even though her adoptive parents have always advised her to avoid strangers, fourteen-year-old Grace has no reason to think Seth is anything but a nice guy when he approaches her. Attractive and well-dressed, he hardly fits the profile of a raving lunatic—until he starts talking. Of course she should go with him to Ellauria right this second without saying good bye to anyone. Yeah right.

Of course Seth can’t just come out and tell Grace that the Fellowship is responsible for protecting the so-called “mythical” creatures of the world (except for Bigfoot, who’s considered a lost cause due to her well-deserved reputation as an attention-whore); just like he can’t tell her that the reason she’s been “chosen” is because of her lineage.

Upon arriving in Ellauria, Grace understands why Seth had been vague about the Fellowship’s purpose. Elves, unicorns, leprechauns--they’re all there, along with many creatures she’s never heard of. Plus, most of what she thought she knew about magical creatures is a bunch of crap. (Thanks a lot, Walt Disney.) One day in, she already has a more exciting social life than she’d ever had back home, complete with bestie, hot crush, and nemesis.

When Grace is attacked, she learns the most pressing reason behind Seth’s sudden interference into her life: Whalen, a human with too much knowledge and too little humanity, has discovered the mystical world’s best-kept secret: a bloodline long thought to be extinct, one with magical properties strong enough to grant him the immortality he so deeply desires, is alive and well in Grace. With her life on the line and all of Ellauria at risk, Grace must work quickly to determine who can be trusted, who isn’t who they say they are, and who would benefit most from her demise.


I really hope this helps! Best of luck with your query!

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Re: Bloodlines - YA fantasy

Post by Megs6703 » July 21st, 2011, 10:24 pm

Hi all!! Sorry I've been MIA- I banned myself from the boards until I could complete some editing. :)

I've been reading (and reading and reading and reading) queries all over the place, and I basically just deleted what I'd been working with and started all over. So here's the latest- is this working?

**By the way- I'm experimenting with a new name for my MC, after noticing quite a few new query letters in other boards that have MC's named Grace. So weird! On the other hand, I've grown so attached to MY Grace that it's really hard to call her something else.

Dear Agent,

When Harper Page is recruited to join The Fellowship, the mysterious group that protects most of the world's so-called "mythical" creatures, she's pretty pumped--once she gets over the shock of learning that the imaginary beings she'd always heard about aren't so fictional after all. After just one day in mystical Ellauria, she already has a more exciting social life than she ever did back home, complete with three new besties and a potentially dangerous crush. It soon becomes clear that life among the magical isn't all rainbows and pixie dust when Harper learns three important facts: she's the last twig in an extremely complicated family tree, supreme magical abilities can be obtained by ingesting her blood, and her existence is the Fellowship's best-kept secret. Unfortunately for Harper, secrets have a way of coming out, and she becomes the target of a host of supernatural psychos. When tragedy threatens to strike in Ellauria as well as the mortal realm, she must work quickly to determine who can be trusted, who isn't who they say, and who would benefit most from her demise.

MURALET is a YA urban fantasy complete at 54,000 words. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query. I look forward to hearing from you.
______________________________________________________
-Megs
"Find joy in the journey."

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Re: MURALET - YA fantasy (formerly Bloodlines) *revised*

Post by jmn » July 26th, 2011, 4:10 pm

I didn't go back and read the previous versions of your query, so my take is solely based on this draft. Hope it helps!

Dear Agent,

When Harper Page is recruited to join The Fellowship, the mysterious group that protects most ofthe world's so-called "mythical" creatures, (I think it might be good to shorten your description of The Fellowship and I don't think you need the quotes around mythical.) she's pretty pumped--once she gets over the shock of learning that the imaginary beings she'd always heard about aren't so fictional after all. (This last part was a little confusing. It might be better to mention the shock first before stating that she's pumped.) After just one day in mystical Ellauria, This was kind of a jolt to me. Where is Ellauria? When did she go there and why? Was she in our world before that or is the whole setting in a fantasy world? she already has a more exciting her social life is rocking than she ever did back home, complete with three new besties and a potentially dangerous crush. (Why is her crush potentially dangerous? The way you casually mention it here makes it sound like she views this as a good thing.) But It soon becomes clear that life among the magical isn't all rainbows and pixie dust. (I like this line. I would end the sentence there.) whenHarper learns(you might want to use a different word here since she already learned about mystical creatures in the first line) three important facts: she's the last twig in an extremely complicated family tree, supreme magical abilities can be obtained by ingesting her blood, and her existence is the Fellowship's best-kept secret. (I wasn't crazy about how these facts were presented. It felt like you were just stating facts as opposed to really engaging me in the story. Is it important at this point to mention her complicated family tree at this point?) Unfortunately for Harper, secrets have a way of coming out, and she becomes the target of a host of supernatural psychos. When tragedy threatens to strike in Ellauria as well as the mortal realm, she must work quickly to determine who can be trusted, who isn't who they say, and who would benefit most from her demise.(This whole last sentence is a bit choppy and confusing to me.)

MURALET is a YA urban fantasy complete at 54,000 words. Thank you for taking the time to consider my query. I look forward to hearing from you.

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