Query: Alien Academy (YA sci fi) -Revised!

[corriegarrett]

Here's a new version of my query pitch - with hopefully more clarity...

When aliens invaded Earth six years ago, one of their first projects was to chose a few hundred teenagers for a foreign exchange program. Now nineteen-year-old Sam and his friends, after six years on the alien planet, are finally on their way home to Los Angeles. Their first job: to be witnesses in the galactic trial that will decide the status of humans – sentient race or malignant intelligence.

Sam and his girlfriend Nat are thrilled to be back on Earth, but their homecoming turns into a nightmare when someone starts targeting the cadets. One of their friends disappears, Nat is hurt in a drive-by attack, and a nasty message appears on the cadet’s dorm, scrawled in blood.

As the violence escalates on their secure campus, Sam knows there are many groups who’d like to derail Earth’s trial by hurting the cadets, but the question is which of his friends sold out to them. When Sam tries to fight back, Nat is the next to disappear. Sam, desperate, manages to corner the killer, and barely escapes his own execution to get the assassin to the trial. He’s got one chance to prove the conspiracy, get Nat back, and win the trial. But if he loses, Earth loses.


*************

This is the original:

Dear Ms. Agent,

When 18-year-old Sam steps off the spaceship at LAX, he’s home for the first time in six years - since the aliens first conscripted him and ninety-nine other children for their training program. Earth air feels as buttery as he remembers it, and Dr. Pepper tastes as great, but Sam and his friends only have two weeks to save it all. In two weeks Sam will represent humanity in a galactic trial. If he loses, humanity will be penned cattle in a hungry galaxy - sentient or not.

Sam and the other cadets try to stop the anti-alien riots and gain some calm for the trial, but that only makes them targets for those who hate the aliens. When cadets start disappearing, and one turns up dead, Sam must figure out who’s behind it: an angry human killer, or an alien specifically trying to sabotage the coming trial. Have his alien mentors lied about their motives all along? They aren't the only powerful aliens in the galaxy, and Sam doesn’t know how far they'll go to control the outcome of the trial, even if it means letting their students die. In the midst of a media blitz, Sam tries to get a skeptical public to trust him, while trying to figure out who he can trust.

When Nat disappears, the girl who shared Sam’s first kiss and laughed at his jokes for six years of exile, Sam’s indecision is over. Nat might be lost to him, but not without a fight. The only question: how many lives will Sam risk to flush the killer out... and finish the trial his way?

Alien Academy is a YA sci fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Set in a near-future Los Angeles, Alien Academy explores the frightening prospect of discovering your identity with the world watching (and avoiding a ruthless killer). I've enjoyed reading your blog at **** and (further agent specific info).

Thanks for your time,
Etc.

[CharleeVale]

I'm still a little new here, so I very much appreciate any help! Thanks.

Dear Ms. Agent,

When 18-year-old Sam steps off the spaceship at LAX, he’s home for the first time in six years - since the aliens first conscripted him and ninety-nine other children for their training program. Earth air feels as buttery as he remembers it, and Dr. Pepper tastes as great, but This is where your story starts. If you want to grab someone, tell them the stakes. Two weeks until intergalactic slavery seems like pretty high stakes. I would start the query here. Sam and his friends only have two weeks to save it all. In two weeks Sam will represent humanity in a galactic trial. If he loses, humanity will be penned cattle in a hungry galaxy - sentient or not. What kind of trial? Is it an athletic competition, a trial before alien judges?

Sam and the other cadets try to stop the anti-alien riots and gain some calm for the trial, but that only makes them targets for those who hate the aliens. Stopping the anti-alien riots doesn't move your plot along in the query. When cadets start disappearing, and one turns up dead, Sam must figure out who’s behind it: an angry human killer, or an alien specifically trying to sabotage the coming trial. Have his alien mentors lied about their motives all along? They aren't the only powerful aliens in the galaxy, andSam doesn’t know how far they'll go to control the outcome of the trial, even if it means letting their students die. In the midst of a media blitz, Sam tries to get a skeptical public to trust him, while trying to figure out who he can trust.

When Nat disappears, the girl who shared Sam’s first kiss and laughed at his jokes for six years of exile, Sam’s indecision is over. Nat might be lost to him, but not without a fight. The only question: how many lives will Sam risk to flush the killer out... and finish the trial his way?

Alien Academy is a YA sci fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Set in a near-future Los Angeles, Alien Academy explores the frightening prospect of discovering your identity with the world watching (and avoiding a ruthless killer). I've enjoyed reading your blog at **** and (further agent specific info).

Thanks for your time,
Etc.

I think you got a good story here. It seems like it's fast paced and has a lot of tension. You want your query to read the same way. Hope this helps!

CV

[wilderness]

Dear Ms. Agent,

When 18-year-old Sam steps off the spaceship at LAX, he’s home for the first time in six years - since the aliens first conscripted him and ninety-nine other children for their training program. Earth air feels as buttery as he remembers it, and Dr. Pepper tastes as great, but Sam and his friends only have two weeks to save it all. In two weeks Sam will represent humanity in a galactic trial. If he loses, humanity will be penned cattle in a hungry galaxy - sentient or not. I like the idea of humanity in a galactic trial but I'd like to know more about it. What is the trial, who are the aliens, why are they setting up the trial, etc.

Sam and the other cadets try to stop the anti-alien riots and gain some calm for the trial, but that only makes them targets for those who hate the aliens. When cadets start disappearing, and one turns up dead, Sam must figure out who’s behind it: an angry human killer, or an alien specifically trying to sabotage the coming trial. Have his alien mentors lied about their motives all along? What are their motives? They aren't the only powerful aliens in the galaxy, and Sam doesn’t know how far they'll go to control the outcome of the trial, even if it means letting their students die. In the midst of a media blitz, Sam tries to get a skeptical public to trust him, while trying to figure out who he can trust. Not sure about the repetition of "trust" as it is.

When Nat disappears, the girl who shared Sam’s first kiss and laughed at his jokes for six years of exile,this description of who Nat is seems thrown in there Sam’s indecision is over. I think you need to introduce Nat earlier or concentrate on a different conflict. Nat might be lost to him, but not without a fight. The only question: how many lives will Sam risk to flush the killer out... and finish the trial his way?

Alien Academy is a YA sci fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Set in a near-future Los Angeles, Alien Academy explores the frightening prospect of discovering your identity with the world watching (and avoiding a ruthless killer). I've enjoyed reading your blog at **** and (further agent specific info).

Thanks for your time,
Etc.

I like the premise: seems like you've built a cool and interesting sci-fi world! However, I feel you can pick and choose your details better; there was a lot of info in the query but the things I was most interested in (the trial for humanity, the aliens) were left unexplained. Perhaps you know the answers so well that you felt they didn't need to be explained, but I didn't feel quite grounded in the premise. Generally, though I liked the query and would want to read on.

[PyroJones]

Dear Ms. Agent,

When 18-year-old Sam steps off the spaceship at LAX, he’s home for the first time in six years - since the aliens first conscripted him and ninety-nine other children for their training program. Earth air feels as buttery as he remembers it, and Dr. Pepper tastes as great, but Sam and his friends only have two weeks to save it all.In two weeks Sam will represent humanity in a galactic trial. Gladiatorial combat? Trial by jury? Why Sam? If he loses, humanity will be penned cattle in a hungry galaxy - sentient or not. Again, I mostly want to know what's special about Sam that makes him humanity's representative. I'm also unclear on the consequences. Humanity will become... meat? That's how it reads to me, so if that's true I might suggest making that more clear. If that's not the case, maybe a different metaphor?

Sam and the other cadets try to stop the anti-alien riots (aren't they on humanity's side? Aren't the aliens the enemy?) and gain some calm for the trial, but that only makes them targets for those who hate the aliens. When cadets start disappearing, and one turns up dead, Sam must figure out who’s behind it: an angry human killer, or an alien specifically trying to sabotage the coming trial. Now I'm really confused. Who is putting on this trial, and why? Who determined the rules and consequences? Who agreed to it? Have his alien mentors lied about their motives all along? They aren't the only powerful aliens in the galaxy, and Sam doesn’t know how far they'll go to control the outcome of the trial, even if it means letting their students die. In the midst of a media blitz, Sam tries to get a skeptical public to trust him, while trying to figure out who he can trust.

When Nat disappears, the girl who shared Sam’s first kiss and laughed at his jokes for six years of exile, Sam’s indecision is over. Nat might be lost to him, but not without a fight. The only question: how many lives will Sam risk to flush the killer out... and finish the trial his way? I get that Sam makes up his mind once Nat disappears, but I'm still not sure what he's doing now that he's doing something. This part is vague. And I agree, Nat needs to either be mentioned sooner if she's an important character. And if she's not, she shouldn't be here at all.

Alien Academy is a YA sci fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Set in a near-future Los Angeles, Alien Academy explores the frightening prospect of discovering your identity with the world watching (and avoiding a ruthless killer). I've enjoyed reading your blog at **** and (further agent specific info).

Thanks for your time,
Etc.

I think this is a great premise and I would probably read a story like this, but not based on this query. I'm incredibly confused about why there is a trial, put on by whom, judged by whom... Why is Sam, a kid who hasn't even been on Earth in a while, "defending" it? What happens if Earth "loses"? What does Sam have to prove to win? I have the same problem with my query attempts, so I understand the problem. You know exactly what's going on in the story, and just because the query is confusing doesn't mean your story is. I know what Sam wants: to save humanity and Nat. I'm not sure how he's got to do that and I'm not sure of the consequences if he fails, and those are the three basic things that need to be spelled out in a query.

[trirae]

When 18-year-old Sam steps off the spaceship at LAX, he’s home for the first time in six years - since the aliens first conscripted him and ninety-nine other children for their training program. Earth air feels as buttery as he remembers it, and Dr. Pepper tastes as great, but Sam and his friends only have two weeks to save it all. In two weeks Sam will represent humanity in a galactic trial. If he loses, humanity will be penned cattle in a hungry galaxy - sentient or not.You set up a lot here very quickly. It did stand out to me that I wasn't sure why an 18 year old would be representing humanity in the trial.

Sam and the other cadets try to stop the anti-alien riots and gain some calm for the trial, but that only makes them targets for those who hate the aliens. I didn't quite follow this one.When cadets start disappearing, and one turns up dead, Sam must figure out who’s behind it: an angry human killer, or an alien specifically trying to sabotage the coming trial. Have his alien mentors lied about their motives all along? They aren't the only powerful aliens in the galaxy, and Sam doesn’t know how far they'll go to control the outcome of the trial, even if it means letting their students die. In the midst of a media blitz, Sam tries to get a skeptical public to trust him, while trying to figure out who he can trust.
This is obviously a rather complicated plot, and I think you've got a good start narrowing in on detials, but I'm having a hard time following with who is who.
When Nat disappears, the girl who shared Sam’s first kiss and laughed at his jokes for six years of exile, Sam’s indecision is over. Nat might be lost to him, but not without a fight. The only question: how many lives will Sam risk to flush the killer out... and finish the trial his way? It seems like there is more than one "stakes" in this query which makes the plot a little confusing. Either that, or it's the same stakes, but he's dealing with it from multiple angles.

Alien Academy is a YA sci fi thriller, complete at 70,000 words. Set in a near-future Los Angeles, Alien Academy explores the frightening prospect of discovering your identity with the world watching (and avoiding a ruthless killer). I've enjoyed reading your blog at **** and (further agent specific info).

I think the plot is intriguing. Just needs a little more focus to streamline what's most important for the query. Good luck!

[corriegarrett]

Thanks again for the input! I tried to focus the newer version more on Sam and Nat and the trial. Hopefully less extraneous detail, as some pointed out. Thanks!

[wilderness]

Hey there,

Great job whittling the details down to the crucial! This seems a lot more clear and cohesive to me than your previous version. Notes below.

Here's a new version of my query pitch - with hopefully more clarity...

When aliens invaded Earth six years ago, one of their first projects was to chose a few hundred teenagers for a foreign exchange program. Immediately intriguing. Love the idea of a foreign-exchange program with aliens. Now nineteen-year-old Sam and his friends, after six years on the alien planet, are finally on their way home to Los Angeles. Their first job: to be witnesses in the galactic trial that will decide the status of humans – sentient race or malignant intelligence.

Sam and his girlfriend Nat are thrilled to be back on Earth, but their homecoming turns into a nightmare when someone starts targeting the cadets. One of their friends disappears, Nat is hurt in a drive-by attack, and a nasty message appears on the cadet’s dorm, scrawled in blood. Great examples of what is happening to them.

As the violence escalates on their (supposedly?) secure campus, Sam knows there are many groups who’d like to derail Earth’s trial by hurting the cadets, but the question is which of his friends sold out to them. Why would hurting the cadets derail the trial? do you mean delay it? Not sure you need to answer that in the query but it might help with providing motivation When Sam tries to fight back, Nat is the next to disappear. Sam, desperate, manages to corner the killer, and barely escapes his own execution to get the assassin to the trial. That kind of detail doesn't work well in a query. It is both vague and giving away too much at the same time. He’s got one chance to prove the conspiracy, get Nat back, and win the trial. But if he loses, Earth loses. This last section is pretty good but the part about him winning the trial seems to come from left field -- you said they would witness the trial, not compete in it. Looks good though!