New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

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polymath
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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by polymath » August 17th, 2011, 11:57 am

Watcher55 wrote:Ted, like any other intelligent seventeen-year-old 21st Century boy, should know things – like his name and his past. The gods, whose origins lie in an alternate future, enslave Ted and wipe his memory in their effort to add a new Universe to their Interversal Empire. During their voyage into the ancient past, Ted derails the inter-dimensional transport, lands in Nero’s Rome and accidentally sets the city aflame with the power of Jupiter.
Great first line. Does Ted self-identify as intelligent though? Adjectives, and adverbs, strengths are their capacity to express commentary, and thus voice facets for closing narrative distance. "Intelligent" feels a little vanilla narrator recital to me. Consider another modifier that comes from Ted's perspective. The second clause does close narrative distance artfully. I'm not sure about repetition of "like" though.

Second and third sentences, similar syntax to the first. Not so great. Consider mixing up the variety. Long, short, and fewer prefatory dependent clauses, fewer parenthetical clauses for more punch.

This is the gist of it I see:
[modifier] seventeen-year-old 21st Century boy Ted should know things – like his name and his past. Alternate-future gods enslave Ted and warp his memory. Voyaging toward the ancient past, Ted derails their interdimensional transport. He lands in Nero’s Rome and sets the city aflame.

However, for the sake of reader surrogate centrality, which is important for young adult genre, I feel Ted should be the cause of his memory loss. What if him derailing the transport causes his memory loss? That way he's the direct cause of his hardships, with the gods as proximal causes. Why that's important, not so much social indoctrination as readers self-identifying with his flawed nobility. Then his insuperable struggle to recover his memory and thus self-identity is him adjusting and failing at every turn, until he learns enough to address that complication.
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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by Watcher55 » August 17th, 2011, 2:05 pm

polymath wrote:However, for the sake of reader surrogate centrality, which is important for young adult genre, I feel Ted should be the cause of his memory loss.<--- THAT (sort'a) What if him derailing the transport causes his memory loss? That way he's the direct cause of his hardships, with the gods as proximal causes. Why that's important, not so much social indoctrination as readers self-identifying with his flawed nobility. Then his insuperable struggle to recover his memory and thus self-identity is him adjusting and failing at every turn, until he learns enough to address that complication.
Dear Mr./Ms Agent,

Ted, a fast thinking seventeen-year-old 21st Century boy, should know things – like his name and his past. He was taken as a slave by the gods whose origins lie in an alternate future. They need Ted in order to launch an invasion on his Universe and add a new province to their empire. Ted resists to the point of blaspheming the Procreator. As punishment, the Emperor wipes Ted’s memory, and orders that Ted be used as the engine for the inter-dimensional transport. Ted derails the transport however, and he lands in Nero’s Rome accidentally setting the city aflame with the power of Jupiter.

Ted’s 5,000-year-old, fast talking, identical twin Phil is there to greet him, and tells the amnesiac newcomer that he must protect their ancestor, Theodorus from Jupiter. At the heart of an inferno that forged reputations and cauterized bloodlines, the nameless slave, who may grow up to be Rome’s most dangerous god, endures a rite of passage that takes him from the Circus Maximus to the edge of the Roman Forum, then to Hades and back. With the help of the gods’ future-born children, the young slave-god must rediscover his stolen identity and make a name for himself. If he fails to rescue his ancestor and take his place in Rome’s pantheon, Phil will usurp Jupiter’s power and use it to enslave the gods and proclaim himself the ruler of the Interversal Empire.

The Ninth Addict, the first in a planned series,* is a 72,500 word science fiction fantasy that will appeal to fans of Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Watcher55

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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by dios4vida » August 17th, 2011, 2:21 pm

Howdy again, Watcher.

Polymath, as always, has excellent points. However, I think that with this extra information you've lost the crispness and voice you had previously. This paragraph feels more like recitation than anything. I know the basics of the story by now, and I love them, but I still couldn't keep my excitement with this phrasing.
Watcher55 wrote:Ted, a fast thinking along with the fast-talking twin? It feels a little redundant and forced. Do you even need the modifier at all? Maybe we should try it without and see if it works better. seventeen-year-old 21st Century boy, should know things – like his name and his past. He was taken as a slave by the gods whose origins lie in an alternate future. They need Ted in order to launch an invasion on his Universe and add a new province to their empire. All telling here. My suggestion: "He was kidnapped by the gods of an alternate future in order to launch an invasion on his Universe and add a new province to their empire." Ted resists to the point of blaspheming the Procreator. You could easily just say "Ted resists." It's running the risk of bogging the clarity of the story down in details that we don't need and don't really make sense without the full context of the story. As punishment, the Emperor wipes Ted’s memory, no comma and orders that Ted be used as the engine for the I'd say "an" rather than "the". As it is, I'm thinking "what transport?" inter-dimensional transport. Hee hee...I like that detail! Ted derails the transport however, and he I think this would flow better to say "But Ted derails the transport and lands in Nero’s Rome, accidentally setting the city aflame with the power of Jupiter.
The rest is great.

Hope this helps!
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by Watcher55 » August 17th, 2011, 3:09 pm

Aaaand - my next final draft (thanks Brenda)

Dear Mr./Ms Agent,

Ted, a seventeen-year-old 21st Century boy, should know things – like his name and his past. Gods from an alternate future enslave him in order to launch an invasion on his Universe and add a new province to their empire. Ted resists his slave status. He curses the gods, and as punishment, the Emperor wipes Ted’s memory and orders that Ted be used as the engine for the invasion team’s inter-dimensional transport. But Ted derails the transport and he lands in Nero’s Rome, accidentally setting the city aflame with the power of Jupiter.

Ted’s 5,000-year-old, fast talking, identical twin Phil is there to greet him, and tells the amnesiac newcomer that he must protect their ancestor, Theodorus from Jupiter. At the heart of an inferno that forged reputations and cauterized bloodlines, the nameless slave, who may grow up to be Rome’s most dangerous god, endures a rite of passage that takes him from the Circus Maximus to the edge of the Roman Forum, then to Hades and back. With the help of the gods’ future-born children, the young slave-god must rediscover his stolen identity and make a name for himself. If he fails to rescue his ancestor and take his place in Rome’s pantheon, Phil will usurp Jupiter’s power and use it to enslave the gods and proclaim himself the ruler of the Interversal Empire.

The Ninth Addict, the first in a planned series,* is a 72,500 word science fiction fantasy that will appeal to fans of Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Watcher55

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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by dios4vida » August 17th, 2011, 3:43 pm

Watcher55 wrote:Aaaand - my next final draft (thanks Brenda) Don't mention it. I've enjoyed working with you on this. This novel has really intrigued me! :)

Dear Mr./Ms Agent,

Ted, a seventeen-year-old 21st Century boy, should know things – like his name and his past. Gods from an alternate future enslave have enslaved? him in order to launch an invasion on his Universe and add a new province to their empire. Ted resists his slave status. He curses the gods, and as punishment, the Emperor wipes Ted’s memory and orders that Ted be used as the engine for the invasion team’s inter-dimensional transport. But Ted derails the transport and he lands in Nero’s Rome, accidentally setting the city aflame with the power of Jupiter.

Ted’s 5,000-year-old, fast talking, identical twin Phil is there to greet him, and tells the amnesiac newcomer that he must protect their ancestor, Theodorus from Jupiter. At the heart of an inferno that forged reputations and cauterized bloodlines, the nameless slave, who may grow up to be Rome’s most dangerous god, endures a rite of passage that takes him from the Circus Maximus to the edge of the Roman Forum, then to Hades and back. With the help of the gods’ future-born children, the young slave-god must rediscover his stolen identity and make a name for himself. If he fails to rescue his ancestor and take his place in Rome’s pantheon, Phil will usurp Jupiter’s power and use it to enslave the gods and proclaim himself the ruler of the Interversal Empire.

I've noticed that you're putting two spaces between sentences, but with modern wordprocessors this practice is no longer necessary. Manuscript formatting calls for one space only.

The Ninth Addict, the first in a planned series,* is a 72,500 word science fiction fantasy that will appeal to fans of Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Watcher55
Watcher, I daresay you've got it! This query sounds fantastic to me. Please keep me updated as to the progress of THE NINTH ADDICT!
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by Watcher55 » August 17th, 2011, 4:13 pm

dios4vida wrote:I've noticed that you're putting two spaces between sentences, but with modern wordprocessors this practice is no longer necessary. Manuscript formatting calls for one space only.
Yeah - I learned to type on a manual typewriter and the old way looks better to me, and it doesn't feel right to hit the space-bar just one time. Is it a deal-breaker?

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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by dios4vida » August 17th, 2011, 4:47 pm

Watcher55 wrote:Yeah - I learned to type on a manual typewriter and the old way looks better to me, and it doesn't feel right to hit the space-bar just one time. Is it a deal-breaker?
No, it's not a deal breaker, but editors will ask for it to be corrected. Are you using Microsoft Word? If so, you can just go to "Find/Replace" and have it find " " (double space) and replace with " " (single space). Problem solved!
Brenda :)

Inspiration isn't about the muse. Inspiration is working until something clicks. ~Brandon Sanderson

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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by polymath » August 17th, 2011, 4:49 pm

Watcher55 wrote:
dios4vida wrote:I've noticed that you're putting two spaces between sentences, but with modern wordprocessors this practice is no longer necessary. Manuscript formatting calls for one space only.
Yeah - I learned to type on a manual typewriter and the old way looks better to me, and it doesn't feel right to hit the space-bar just one time. Is it a deal-breaker?
Manual typewriters pre-1966 IBM Selectric invariably were monospaced typefaces. Two word spaces after terminal punctuation were necessary to faciilate reading ease. Business correspondence formatting has since migrated towared favoring proportional typefaces. Or Standard Puiblication Format with business block format variants. For reading ease comparable to book publication formatting, proportional typefaces have one word space after terminal punctuation. I don't think it's a deal breaker either way. For a manuscript, I wouldn't role my eyes at two spaces after terminal punctuation. When setting type digitally, I'd do a once and done search and replace. Other superfluous incidental formatting codes, though, drive me around the bend.

Ted's centrality has certainly moved closer to the foreground in the final draft, making the pitch more dramatic I feel. I'd say it's ready for dress rehearsal, say, at Query Shark. More eyes on the prize that way. Janet Reid has her quirks, but she doesn't and her followers don't pull any punches.
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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by MattLarkin » August 18th, 2011, 8:33 am

Looks really good Watcher. But this line: "Ted resists his slave status." sounds flat to me. Might there be a less dry way to get this across? Or is it even necessary, as what he does makes it clear he isn't going to play ball with them?
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Re: New Query - THE NINTH ADDICT

Post by Watcher55 » August 18th, 2011, 8:42 am

MattLarkin wrote:Looks really good Watcher. But this line: "Ted resists his slave status." sounds flat to me. Might there be a less dry way to get this across? Or is it even necessary, as what he does makes it clear he isn't going to play ball with them?
Funny you should mention that Matt. I knew there was something wrong with it last night, and I just took it out ten minutes ago.

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