query: WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS (YA sci-fi) - Take 2

[Krista G.]

LATEST DRAFT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE!

Well, the last query I posted here ended up with a fantastic request rate, and so far, all I've gotten with my latest attempt is a few rejections. This is actually the same manuscript I was working on before, but I've rewritten it with another character as the primary MC. Thank you so much for taking a look.

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is about as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And while she goes to school at Wynn, it’s more of a prison camp than an actual high school.

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to the 2046 Symposium for Youth and Managers on Biomedia, Nirvana, and Transforming the Self. The symposium’s just an excuse for Old Man Hermes to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death.

With the help of her secret society, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is to fall in love with one of the rich kids at the symposium. And she certainly doesn’t expect not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[michelleimason]

Glad to hear you received valuable comments here before. I just joined and am starting out by trying to help others before I post my query .

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is about as lucky as cold dice. I really like the second part of this sentence, but I don't think you need the beginning modifier. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And while she goes to school at Wynn, it’s more of a prison camp than an actual high school. The name of her school isn't necessary. "And her school is more of a prison came than an actual high school."

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to the 2046 Symposium for Youth and Managers on Biomedia, Nirvana, and Transforming the Self. The symposium’s just an excuse for Old Man Hermes to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. What is the Stream? She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take to take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death. How is the company responsible for these things? Perhaps this would be clearer if you explain what the Stream is and why it's so important to be part of it. I'm guessing that not being connected to the Stream puts you at a major disadvantage, but it's not clear here why.

With the help of her secret society What secret society? Up until now, it sounded like she was doing all of this on her own., Adair plans to shut down the Stream Is the Stream a bad thing?, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What will they do at the company if there is no Stream? What she doesn’t plan is to fall in love with one of the rich kids (Vague - could you be more specific about the rich kid?) at the symposium. And she certainly doesn’t expect not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger. What is the focus of your blog? If you're going to mention it, I think you might put a short descriptor line here. Also not sure if the stay-at-home mom part is relevant.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

The discussion of grannies and teeth makes me think of dentures. Is that intentional? I don't know if you need to introduce the granny term in the query. You could just say "She may be one of the overworked..." and then later "she'll install one of her own people as ..." Overall, I think you could solve a lot of issues with this query if you establish what the Stream is. At first I thought the problem was that Old Man Hermes has a lock on how people connect to it, but then I got the impression he invented the Stream itself, too, and that the Stream is a bad thing. Most of the questions I have center around the Stream, so if you can establish what that is, it would clear things up a lot. Overall, though, I think you have a great start and it sounds interesting. Good luck!

[AllieS]

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is about as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And while she goes to school at Wynn, it’s more of a prison camp than an actual high school. I think this is a great beginning, but I do agree with michelleimason that you should drop the name Wynn. You already have a lot of names in here, but I'll get to that later.

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to the 2046 Symposium for Youth and Managers on Biomedia, Nirvana, and Transforming the Self I had to read this line a couple times to understand what you were saying...and I'm still not 100% sure I do. Is 2046 the actual number of times this symposium has been held, or is it the year? If it's the year, I'd mention that earlier. Also, do we need to know the very specific name of the symposium? I read through the query again ignoring it, and it worked better for me. The symposium’s just an excuse for Old Man Hermes to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link people’s brainwaves to the Stream you do a great job of quickly summarizing Wingteeth, but I'd like you to do the same for the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny for starters, I am a huge fan of this term. I love the relation it has to teeth, and how old people don't have any. That being said, I'd put quotations around granny to show that it's a specific term., one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death. You throw in her mother's death pretty randomly here. I feel like it should be a bigger deal, or you should mention it up higher in the query.

With the help of her secret society woah, she's got a secret society? please explain this, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident cool plan. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is to fall in love with one of the rich kids yeah, I'd also like a more specific description of this boy other than "rich kid." at the symposium. And she certainly doesn’t expect not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance.

I think the many different names and unfamiliar terms are turning off agents, because this is a cool story!

[corriegarrett]

I love your premise, and the title! You've gotten a couple good line-by-line comments here, so just a couple thoughts... There were two pieces that stuck out to me: first, as AllieS said, her mother's death might be good to mention in the first paragraph, to set up her arc. Your voice in the first paragraph is great though, so I wouldn't want you to change it much, but somehow get in there that her mother's death left her with a grudge (or something). (Oh, I love the term 'grannies' too. Made-up slang sounds so contrived usually, but this one works perfectly.) The other thing that paused me, as already mentioned, was the title of the conference. It's just a little involved. Maybe shorten it to Biomedia(?) Symposium just for the query. I understood that 2046 was the year, but I don't know if you need to have that in there. Overall, it sounds like a great story though. Good luck!

[Quill]

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is about as lucky as cold dice.

What does this mean? That most girls from Vegas tend to be lucky? And how is she unlucky? I'm not sure you ever say.

She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller

Does everyone know this is a hotel? It is a hotel, right? How is it that she lives in an expensive hotel?

since the Last Recession,

Why is the term capitalized? Is that the official name for it? What genre book are we in? Is this a futuristic place?

just an army of out-of-work squatters.

Squatters are also living in the expensive hotel? Is this hotel abandoned? Again, what genre are we in? Is this a futuristic scenario? I think we need some grounding in your setting.

And while she goes to school at Wynn, it’s more of a prison camp than an actual high school.

Aren't most high schools?

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to the 2046 Symposium for Youth and Managers on Biomedia, Nirvana, and Transforming the Self.

Ah, our first grounding fact, it is 2046. I would like to have been placed here at the beginning rather than wander to it here. Or, maybe put your genre blurb up front, so we know where we are.

Other than that, wow, that Symposium title is a mouthful.

The symposium’s just an excuse for Old Man Hermes to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link people’s brainwaves to the Stream,

With three new concepts in one sentence, this threatens to come across as word soup.

but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death.

A sixteen-year-old is going to "take over" a company? What does that mean, anyway? Is it a hostile takeover via stock purchases? An armed incursion into the boardroom, a violent shoot-up a la Matrix the movie?

With the help of her secret society, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident.

Whoa, what secret society? And, not that we need to know all the details, but at least I think we need a feel for how this is going to go down. We don't really have a feel for this world, so the emotional impact isn't too great here. Again, getting us grounded in this world might be your most important job in this query. Sounds like you've got plot galore. We just don't know quite how to relate to it. Is this a Mission Impossible over the top thriller type story? An overcoming Big Brother story? Or what?

Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board.

Not sure why the board or the corporation would stand for this (instead of simply sending for security or the cops). Why would killing Hermes change all that much? Wouldn't a new chairman be quickly installed?

What she doesn’t plan is to fall in love with one of the rich kids at the symposium. And she certainly doesn’t expect not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance.

Why would she expect to have the guts. Is she a cold-blooded killer? Is Hermes personally responsible for her mom's death?

How does falling in love change anything? is the rich kid related to Hermes?

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

Super-great title. Good luck with the project.

[Krista G.]

Thank you so much, michelleimason, AllieS, corriegarrett, and Quill. Great thoughts. Getting to work on a revision...

[Krista G.]

LATEST DRAFT!

I'm not sure this is different enough, but I thought I'd play around with details before I started completely revamping the entire structure. Once again, thank you for your thoughts. (Oh, and michelleimason, I decided to leave my bio paragraph unchanged because I kind of like the stay-at-home-mom reference - I think it says a little bit about who I am - and because I'm afraid of drawing too much attention to the blog. I figure if they want to check it out, they'll check it out (since I include a URL in my signature line).)

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession of 2041, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And her mom is dead, the victim of a so-called industrial accident, which is really just code for Old-Man-Hermes-sacrificed-her-mother-to-keep-his-precious-factory-from-blowing-up.

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to Old Man Hermes’s annual symposium. The symposium’s just an excuse for the old man to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link rich people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death.

With the help of the other disaffected grannies, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance. And she certainly doesn’t expect to leave the city’s rich people unable to think or even eat for themselves after she shuts down the Stream.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[michelleimason]

Krista, I hadn't gone to your blog the first time I looked at the query, but I just did and realize I already subscribe to it. It's up to you, of course, but I think your blog could be a strong selling point. And since your blog's title ties together parenting and writing, you could do something fun with that bio line. Either way, just wanted to say the info you post there is very helpful!

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession of 2041, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And her mom is dead, the victim of a so-called industrial accident, which is really just code for Old-Man-Hermes-sacrificed-her-mother-to-keep-his-precious-factory-from-blowing-up. Was her mom the only one killed? If so, could clear that up by adding "sole" before "victim." And how did he sacrifice her? That part is a little vague. Also, there are a lot of hyphens in this paragraph. They're all used correctly, but it kind of jumps out on the page.

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to Old Man Hermes’s annual symposium. The symposium’s just an excuse for the old man to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link rich people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death.

With the help of the other disaffected grannies, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance. And she certainly doesn’t expect to leave the city’s rich people unable to think or even eat for themselves after she shuts down the Stream. I like the addition of this line. Now I really want to know what the Stream does. So that leaves a bit of a quandary. On the one hand, I still think you should explain what the Stream is. At the same time, it's nice to leave as a teaser. Perhaps you could insert something higher about what the Stream is supposed to be? Then it seems more sinister that shutting it down has this unexpected effect.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think this version is much stronger than the previous one. Good luck!

[akila]

Krista, So happy to give comments cause I really love your blog. I've been doing a lot of research on agents and your interactive interviews have been SUPER helpful. Anyhow, here we go:

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession of 2041, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And her mom is dead, the victim of a so-called industrial accident, which is really just code for Old-Man-Hermes-sacrificed-her-mother-to-keep-his-precious-factory-from-blowing-up.

Like the first sentence a lot --- as someone who gambles, the cold dice line is fantastic.

I am super confused by the second half of the second sentence. "Last Recession of 2041" seems like a very odd name. Wouldn't it be the "Recession of 2041." How would they know it was the "Last" one? Or, did you mean to put "Last" in lowercase? I am also confused by the army of out-of-work squatters. Why would they be squatters if they are living in a hotel and why would they be an army? Or do you mean army figuratively?

In the third sentence, I would delete the "just" and I feel like there are too many hyphens here. They're used correctly but the eye tends to skip over so many hyphens.

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to Old Man Hermes’s annual symposium. The symposium’s just an excuse for the old man to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link rich people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death.

Delete the "just." I think the definition of "granny" is too long. It makes the slang fumble a bit.

With the help of the other disaffected grannies, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance. And she certainly doesn’t expect to leave the city’s rich people unable to think or even eat for themselves after she shuts down the Stream.

"doesn't plan is not . . . " - I personally hate double negatives but that's just me and I feel like this sentence is a bit difficult to understand especially because it seems to be the crux of your query.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Love the title. Good luck with it! Sounds very interesting.

[ReginaZ]

I love this Wingteeth. Maybe, use it in the first line to catch the attention of the agent right away.

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession of 2041, just an army of out-of-work squatters. And her mom is dead, the victim of a so-called industrial accident, which is really just code for Old-Man-Hermes-sacrificed-her-mother-to-keep-his-precious-factory-from-blowing-up. Explain how you relate the accident and blowing up of the factory

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to Old Man Hermes’s annual symposium. The symposium’s just an excuse for the old man to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link rich people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death.

With the help of the other disaffected grannies, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance. maybe, simplify this sentence, But she finds she does not have the guts to kill Hermes when she gets the chance. And she certainly doesn’t expect to leave the city’s rich people unable to think or even eat can you show this? morons? idiots? non-thinkers? for themselves after she shuts down the Stream.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Anna Geletka]

So many fantastic comments on this query!

My input is that I don't think you need to explain the Stream further. I read a lot of sci-fi, and I'm pretty used to picking up what things are from context, or continuing to read until all is explained. I think sci-fi fans may be more used to this than people who tend to read other genres. From the context, I imagine the Stream to be some kind of linked network - internet-esque, maybe virtual reality? (If I've gotten it totally wrong, maybe you DO need to explain )

[corriegarrett]

Love the changes. I think this is much stronger and clearer. Good luck!

[Krista G.]

Once again, thank you for your feedback. I think I know what changes I need to make from here to make this query viable.

And Anna, to answer your question, yes, that's exactly what the Stream is. Wingteeth are very similar to Feeds in M.T. Anderson's FEED (except Wingteeth are external and thus can be removed). In fact, when I first started working on WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS, I called the Stream the Feed - and then I found out about M.T. Anderson's novel and decided I'd better change the terminology:)

[Holly]

Hi Krista. I just came on here and saw your query. It struck me that there are a lot of "old" references -- grannies and several Old Man Hermes.I know you need to use those terms, but I'm tired right now and my eye picked them out. Other than that, I like it. Good luck to you!

[wilderness]

For a girl from Vegas, sixteen-year-old Adair is as lucky as cold dice. She lives in Mandalay Bay, sure, but the Bay hasn’t seen a high roller since the Last Recession of 2041, just an army of out-of-work squatters. I really like this image of a long deserted Mandalay Bay in the future. And her mom is dead, the victim of a so-called industrial accident, which is really just code for Old-Man-Hermes-sacrificed-her-mother-to-keep-his-precious-factory-from-blowing-up.

Adair’s luck takes a turn when she receives an invite to Old Man Hermes’s annual symposium. The symposium’s just an excuse for the old man to show off his latest line of Wingteeth, oral implants he invented to link rich people’s brainwaves to the Stream, but Adair sees the invitation as an opportunity. She may be a granny, one of the overworked underclass too poor to afford Wingteeth, but she has a plan: Take over the company responsible for her second-class condition and her mother’s death. Like the above poster, I'm not so sure about the effectiveness of the term granny. You explain what it means but my mind still pictures an old lady--I can't help it.

With the help of the other disaffected grannies, Adair plans to shut down the Stream, assassinate Old Man Hermes, and make everything look like an accident. Then she’ll install one of the grannies as chairman of the board. What she doesn’t plan is not to have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes when she gets the chance. And she certainly doesn’t expect to leave the city’s rich people unable to think or even eat for themselves after she shuts down the Stream. This is a strong query but I'm not sure about this ending; I feel you're giving too much away with the part that she doesn't have the guts to murder Old Man Hermes. I think you should cut out that line. Also I would rearrange the last sentence to end with her making a difficult choice of some kind.

WHOSE TEETH ARE AS SWORDS is YA science fiction complete at 79,000 words. [Agent-specific comments]

I am a BYU graduate, a stay-at-home mom, and a blogger.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Lots of great details here! I like this version a lot better than the first in this thread. Good luck perfecting it.