The Court of Last Chances - YA fantasy

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Heather B
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The Court of Last Chances - YA fantasy

Post by Heather B » April 25th, 2011, 10:47 pm

Hey guys, so I haven't been around for a while, mostly because I've been flat-chat with work, uni and writing (yes I know, woe is me). I've put my previous query aside for the moment because even though the story is ready to go, I just can't get that damn thing sorted. So here is a new one. I don't care if you like, I just hope you review.

Thanks in advance :)




Dear agent,

If an Ellerwoman makes a promise she has to follow through. For Adelaide Williams, promising the impossible has become a habit.

On her seventeenth birthday, Addy signs her contract with the Torrens Court, promising to do her job following their rules and regulations.
When her first assignment Noah, refuses to join the Court, she promises his mum no harm will come from the summons, and when her best friend Mira accepts her summons, Addy promises she’ll be safe.

She should have read the fine print.

If a human is summoned to Court they have two choices: go or die. So when Noah’s notice of disposal shows up in Addy’s inbox she knows what has to happen. The problem is, it can’t. And the more time Addy spends with Noah, trying to think of a way to kill him, the more she thinks about him in general.

The Torrens Court doesn’t think much of patience though, and with a time restraint on Noah’s head Addy knows she has to work out something fast. But an off feeling is building in her stomach, made worse by the black shadows following her, and Addy starts receiving messages that the Torrens Court isn’t the utopia it claims.

Addy knows Noah is in trouble. She thinks Mira might be too. And when a notice of disposal comes through with her name on it she knows her time has nearly run out.

There may be enough time to save one of them. If only she hadn’t promised to save them both.

The Court of Last Chances is my young adult fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.

[Other relevant info]
Journey to the Cuckoo's Nest

http://heathermbryant.blogspot.com.au/

Meredith
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Re: The Court of Last Chances - YA fantasy

Post by Meredith » April 26th, 2011, 12:46 am

Heather B wrote:Hey guys, so I haven't been around for a while, mostly because I've been flat-chat with work, uni and writing (yes I know, woe is me). I've put my previous query aside for the moment because even though the story is ready to go, I just can't get that damn thing sorted. So here is a new one. I don't care if you like, I just hope you review.

Thanks in advance :)




Dear agent,

If an Ellerwoman makes a promise she has to follow through. Why? Is it a magical compulsion? The law? For Adelaide Williams, promising the impossible has become a habit.

On her seventeenth birthday, Addy signs her contract with the Torrens Court, promising to do her job following follow their rules and regulations.
When her first assignmentthere should be a comma here Noah, refuses to join the Court, So a summons is to join the court? That's a little confusing since in this world a summons would be to appear before the court. she promises his mum no harm will come from the summons, and when her best friend Mira accepts her summons, Addy promises she’ll be safe.

She should have read the fine print. In her contract?

If a human is summoned to Court they have two choices: go or die. So when Noah’s notice of disposal shows up in Addy’s inbox she knows what has to happen. The problem is, it can’t. And the more time Addy spends with Noah, trying to think of a way to kill him, the more she thinks about him in general.

The Torrens Court doesn’t think much Too many "thinks". Doesn't have much patience works just as well. of patience though, and with a time restraint on Noah’s head Addy knows she has to work out something fast. But an off feeling is building in her stomach, made worse by the black shadows following her, and Addy starts receiving messages that the Torrens Court isn’t the utopia it claims. Messages from whom? Also, the black shadows are thrown out there and never explained or mentioned again.

Addy knows Noah is in trouble. She thinks Mira might be too. And when a notice of disposal comes through with her Mira's or Addy's? name on it she knows her time has nearly run out.

There may be enough time to save one of them. If only she hadn’t promised to save them both.

The Court of Last Chances is my young adult fantasy novel, complete at 85,000 words.

[Other relevant info]
Sounds like a fun story.
MeredithMansfield.WordPress.com

AllieS
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Re: The Court of Last Chances - YA fantasy

Post by AllieS » April 26th, 2011, 5:17 am

If an Ellerwoman makes a promise she has to follow through. For Adelaide Williams, promising the impossible has become a habit. Like Meredith said, I'm a little confused by this part. You say she has to follow through, but if she's promising the impossible, then obviously she hasn't followed through for some things...

On her seventeenth birthday, Addy signs her contract with the Torrens Court What is this?, promising to do her job following their rules and regulations. The phrasing of this confuses me.

When her first assignment Yeah, you need a comma here Noah, refuses to join the Court Okay, so on everyone's seventeenth birthday do they have to sign the contract? If this is the case, I'd explain it up above, because I was confused until now, if, in fact, I am right now. What exactly is this contract? Some specifics would help. , she promises his mum no harm will come from the summons, and when her best friend Mira accepts her summons, Addy promises she’ll be safe. Long sentence. Try and break it up.

She should have read the fine print.

If a human is summoned to Court they have two choices: go or die. So when Noah’s notice of disposal shows up in Addy’s inbox she knows what has to happen. The problem is, it can’t. I'd change this and say, "she promised it wouldn't." And the more time Addy spends with Noah, trying to think of a way to kill him Wait, it's Addy's job to kill him? Why?, the more she thinks about him in general.

The Torrens Court doesn’t think much of patience though, and with a time restraint on Noah’s head Addy knows she has to work out something A plan? A scheme? Something is too vague. fast. But an off feeling I don't know what it is about the words "off feeling," but it isn't working for me. Saying something more direct like, "She suspects something bad is going on," or something like that might sound better. is building in her stomach, made worse by the black shadows Like Meredith said, these shadows come out of no where. Try introducing them earlier, or getting rid of the mention all together. following her, and Addy starts receiving messages that the Torrens Court isn’t the utopia it claims.

Addy knows Noah is in trouble. She thinks Mira might be too. And when a notice of disposal comes through with her name on it she knows her time has nearly run out.

There may be enough time to save one of them. If only she hadn’t promised to save them both. Good ending.

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Heather B
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Re: The Court of Last Chances - YA fantasy

Post by Heather B » April 26th, 2011, 8:37 pm

Excellent. Thanks you guys, it seems like there's some common problems. I'll fix and re-post when done :D
Journey to the Cuckoo's Nest

http://heathermbryant.blogspot.com.au/

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