I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
Sincerely,
THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. You can put this in the last par. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. Drop this line.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. Okay, but what makes a good boy or girl? Are Mary and Robert actually "good," or have they always thought they were good but getting pregnant obviously is a pretty big mistake at their age. In other words, this doesn't actually tell me anything. Maybe give a few examples of how they're "good." But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976 Putting the date in this part of the sentence throws me. You could try putting it at the beginning of the query., Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey I guess you'll know better than me if this is actually an odyssey. I feel like journey would get the point across equally well. in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I love this line . . . except for the last part. It sounds as if the baby is already out in the world and is making decisions. Maybe saying something like, "and they're impending parenthood is fast approaching" would make it clearer. Obviously you don't need to phrase it like that, but you get my point.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. Don't tell me what the story is about. Your query should do that on it's own. The generic: "THE WIND CRIES MARY is my 89,000 word (insert genre here), and thank you for your time" is all you need to put here, along with that part about why you are querying them, and aside from any writing creds if you have them.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you. This sounds as if you're assuming the agent is going to ask for more. Just say thanks for your time, or something of the sort, and then it'll be in the agent's hands. I think this story sounds interesting.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. Okay, but what makes a good boy or girl? Are Mary and Robert actually "good," or have they always thought they were good but getting pregnant obviously is a pretty big mistake at their age. In other words, this doesn't actually tell me anything. Maybe give a few examples of how they're "good." But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976 Putting the date in this part of the sentence throws me. You could try putting it at the beginning of the query., Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey I guess you'll know better than me if this is actually an odyssey. I feel like journey would get the point across equally well. in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I love this line . . . except for the last part. It sounds as if the baby is already out in the world and is making decisions. Maybe saying something like, "and they're impending parenthood is fast approaching" would make it clearer. Obviously you don't need to phrase it like that, but you get my point.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. Don't tell me what the story is about. Your query should do that on it's own. The generic: "THE WIND CRIES MARY is my 89,000 word (insert genre here), and thank you for your time" is all you need to put here, along with that part about why you are querying them, and aside from any writing creds if you have them.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you. This sounds as if you're assuming the agent is going to ask for more. Just say thanks for your time, or something of the sort, and then it'll be in the agent's hands. I think this story sounds interesting.
Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Hey! I remember this from a while back, did you change the title?
This sounds really cute. :) I hope you find some takers!SSB wrote:I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. Yeah, throw this at the bottom unless the agent specifically states they like an introduction in the beginning, some do.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative (1976) (I think you can throw the year in here) town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. I actually think this line works and wouldn't necessarily change it.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976 Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey (agree with Allie, I like journey) in search of a Californian utopia. Good. What they find is thatwinter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. This is a super long sentence, I'd break it down. You have room to do so. And I like Allie's suggestion about them being expectant parents.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
Sincerely,
Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Sounds interesting. I don't usually read YA but I might consider this one with the high hopes of some 70s music, fashion and lifestyle thrown in :)
SSB wrote:I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. I would put this at the end and jump straight into the story
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. Sorry, but I hate seeing numbers at the start of a sentence so I don't like this para at all. Maybe just say they are teenagers. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. I read that as split as in break up at first...
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, I'm English so I'm hazy on this but isn't Mary underage -is there also a fear of statutory rape in November of 1976, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I like this. It is a long list but I felt the avocado story sounded interesting. I would agree with AllieS and consider changing the last part it to expectant parents or even taking it out of the list and giving this part a sentence of its own.
Add first para here
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
THE WIND CRIES MARY is a YA drama complete at 89,000 words. It would appeal to readers of Nora Ephron.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
Sincerely,
Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Iam approaching you to representPlease consider my YA road-trip/ drama, THE WIND CRIES MARY. because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life.Keep it simple here, and use your space to describe the story. Show that you know what the agent likes, but don't waste words trying to describe your story in sales-speak. Hook the agent using the story, not with descriptions of how you view the story.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. Don't know if you really need the "good girl/good boy" wording unless you want to show that the change of view of the town is wrong. This kinda implies that the town is treating them poorly AND unfairly. Which might ring more true if the town condemns them and then tries to pressure Mary and Robert into adoption/abortion. Just a thought.
Fearing their parents will So it is only the fear of the possibility that makes them run away? Seems like actual threats by their parents would give their flight more urgency. make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I agree that this last phrase is awkward. Without a specific time, the "about to make them parents" seems confusing, as you describe events that would take a bit of time. Are you trying to imply that their journey to California takes nine months? But you don't tie the impending birth in to any event.
The above paragraph reads as a summary, "they do this, then do this, then this..." This format is a description of past events. Try to word the action as if the events are currently happening, as that will give it more emotional impact and draw.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. The word "occasionally" strikes me as a lack of confidence on your part, like saying "some people might occasionally laugh." Even if it isn't humorous on every page, interspersed with serious and dark parts, if it has humor in it, then it is humorous. Not "occasionally" humorous.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
I'm left wanting some tie-in to the song/era, which to me is what the title promises. Can you do that? It could be compelling.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. Don't know if you really need the "good girl/good boy" wording unless you want to show that the change of view of the town is wrong. This kinda implies that the town is treating them poorly AND unfairly. Which might ring more true if the town condemns them and then tries to pressure Mary and Robert into adoption/abortion. Just a thought.
Fearing their parents will So it is only the fear of the possibility that makes them run away? Seems like actual threats by their parents would give their flight more urgency. make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I agree that this last phrase is awkward. Without a specific time, the "about to make them parents" seems confusing, as you describe events that would take a bit of time. Are you trying to imply that their journey to California takes nine months? But you don't tie the impending birth in to any event.
The above paragraph reads as a summary, "they do this, then do this, then this..." This format is a description of past events. Try to word the action as if the events are currently happening, as that will give it more emotional impact and draw.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. The word "occasionally" strikes me as a lack of confidence on your part, like saying "some people might occasionally laugh." Even if it isn't humorous on every page, interspersed with serious and dark parts, if it has humor in it, then it is humorous. Not "occasionally" humorous.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
I'm left wanting some tie-in to the song/era, which to me is what the title promises. Can you do that? It could be compelling.
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SSB
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Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
I am currently shopping my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY. I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway.
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
Sincerely,
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway.
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
Sincerely,
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writermorris
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Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
First, I want to say that this sounds like a book I would want to read. And I guess that is the most important thing a query can do. But here are my suggestions to sharpen it:
I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. I agree with the comments above. Unless an agent specifically asks for this up front, jumping right into your story is much more compelling.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. Getting pregnant as a teen is not congruous with "good." So have they always been good until now? Did they always think they were good? Did people see them this way? I'm guessing your instinct is to keep it short and that's why you haven't edited it, but no matter how pithy a sentence sounds, if it is unhelpful, it needs to be altered. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. I love this phraseology.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Agreed with above. This should go higher up, in the set up. It's awkward here. Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I actually love this phrase. It's a semisweet sentiment. "Oh no, this isn't just theoretical. We really have to be parents!" It gives me a sense of you as a writer.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous tragi-comicstory of youthful rebellion, dramatichardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
Sincerely,
I am approaching you to represent my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY because I read that you are drawn to novels that deal with personal journey and transformation. My protagonist chooses a path that forever changes her life. I agree with the comments above. Unless an agent specifically asks for this up front, jumping right into your story is much more compelling.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. Getting pregnant as a teen is not congruous with "good." So have they always been good until now? Did they always think they were good? Did people see them this way? I'm guessing your instinct is to keep it short and that's why you haven't edited it, but no matter how pithy a sentence sounds, if it is unhelpful, it needs to be altered. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. I love this phraseology.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, in November of 1976, Agreed with above. This should go higher up, in the set up. It's awkward here. Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is that winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, Mary is on the FBI’s wanted list as a runaway, and the baby they fled to protect is about to make them parents. I actually love this phrase. It's a semisweet sentiment. "Oh no, this isn't just theoretical. We really have to be parents!" It gives me a sense of you as a writer.
This 89000 word, occasionally humorous tragi-comicstory of youthful rebellion, dramatichardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On The Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility.
I look forward to submitting THE WIND CRIES MARY to you.
Sincerely,
writermorris
writermorris.blogspot.com
writermorris.blogspot.com
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SSB
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Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Here is the most recent revision. I have left the first paragraph the same, as I was advised by two published authors to do so.
I am currently shopping my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY and I read that you are drawn edgy YA novel with crossover potential.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s missing person’s list as a runaway.
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On the Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. I believe it will appeal to young adults, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers interested in taking a trip back to 1976.
Sincerely,
I am currently shopping my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY and I read that you are drawn edgy YA novel with crossover potential.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion, Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s missing person’s list as a runaway.
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On the Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. I believe it will appeal to young adults, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers interested in taking a trip back to 1976.
Sincerely,
Last edited by SSB on April 20th, 2011, 3:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion; This semi-colon isn't used properly. There should be a comma here. Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s missing person’s list, as a runaway. Still love the part about the avocado. Another punctuation thing, the comma before "as a runaway" shouldn't be there, unless you're trying to overemphasis the "as a runaway" part, which I don't think you are, because we know she's run away. I suggest maybe popping over to some agent blogs that give tips on proper punctuation. You have a really interesting idea, so I don't want punctuation mistakes to ruin your chances.
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss I'm still not a fan of all this description of what the story is shoved into the last line. I don't think it should be included. You could just say THE WIND CRIES MARY is reminiscent of ... etc. I get enough of a good vibe from the query to not need the excess description. is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On the Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. I believe it will appeal to young adults, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers interested in taking a trip back to 1976.
Sounds good!
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion; This semi-colon isn't used properly. There should be a comma here. Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. What they find is winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s missing person’s list, as a runaway. Still love the part about the avocado. Another punctuation thing, the comma before "as a runaway" shouldn't be there, unless you're trying to overemphasis the "as a runaway" part, which I don't think you are, because we know she's run away. I suggest maybe popping over to some agent blogs that give tips on proper punctuation. You have a really interesting idea, so I don't want punctuation mistakes to ruin your chances.
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss I'm still not a fan of all this description of what the story is shoved into the last line. I don't think it should be included. You could just say THE WIND CRIES MARY is reminiscent of ... etc. I get enough of a good vibe from the query to not need the excess description. is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On the Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. I believe it will appeal to young adults, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers interested in taking a trip back to 1976.
Sounds good!
Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
Good in what way? Good by their own reckoning? Good in the eyes of others? Good in a biblical sense? How is good defined and by whose standards? As is it could mean anything, which means it's vague.SSB wrote:Here is the most recent revision. I have left the first paragraph the same, as I was advised by two published authors to do so.
I am currently shopping my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY and I read that you are drawn edgy YA novel with crossover potential.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy.
No one? Not even the Goth girl in 9th grade homeroom? Not one person?But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way,
Since you haven't yet told us that this is the 1970s, this lingo may not come across clearly. Some might think it's time to split up, since so many people seem against this coupling.so it’s time to split.
The previous sentence succinctly gave us the scenario, so "Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion" seems like a reiteration, and may be not needed (if you make it clear what good is and who considered them good). You've already told us they've decided to split and why, and then you tell us again.Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion; Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia.
Punctuation: change the semi-colon after "abortion" for a comma.
"Embark on an odyssey" sounds awkward. Do they know it will be an odyssey? Sounds like narrator intrusion. How about "trip" or "journey" instead?
Probably need "that" after "is" to make it clear that the weather makes the camping hazardous. As is they simply find some winter weather and after that some coyotes make camping hazardous.What they find is winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous,
"Rings" plural is a bit awkward. How many rings are we talking here?commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings,
Okay.people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s missing person’s list, as a runaway.
"People" is a bit awkward. How many persons actually shoot one of the protagonists over the single avocado?
"Is on the list" is a bit drab. Anyway to put in an even slightly more dynamic verb like "gets" or "appears"?
And consider dropping the comma after (list).
Okay, but wow, that's a helluva place to drop in a vital detail like the year this story takes place. I'd definitely work that in up top somewhere. And interesting that you call it a roadtrip drama (not really a genre at all) in the query, but label it Modern historical (also not a genre) in the thread title. And that you call it a drama on line one, and then close by calling it a humorous story. Might want to go for something consistent and standard. Simply saying YA could work, and then leave all the descriptives for one spot, rather than spreading them between beginning and end. Just a few thoughts from the peanut gallery!This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On the Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. I believe it will appeal to young adults, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers interested in taking a trip back to 1976.
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wilderness
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Re: THE WIND CRIES MARY YA Modern historical
I'd love to read about a road-trip in the summer of '76. But this query doesn't give me much more than that. It reads a little like a movie trailer -- but a query should have clear goal, motivation, and conflict. Good luck!SSB wrote:Here is the most recent revision. I have left the first paragraph the same, as I was advised by two published authors to do so.
I am currently shopping my YA road-trip/ drama THE WIND CRIES MARY and I read that you are drawn edgy YA novel with crossover potential.
16-year old Mary O’Conner is a good girl. 19-year Robert Marchioni is a good boy. But now that she’s pregnant, no one in their conservative town sees them that way, so it’s time to split. This is just me but the "good girl" and "good boy" phrases rub me the wrong way. It sounds very old-fashioned but you go on to explain that it's NOT how their conservative town sees them. Also, you should start with the year here.
Fearing their parents will make Mary give up the baby for adoption, or worse consider abortion; Mary and Robert embark on a cross-country odyssey in search of a Californian utopia. This sentence feels awkwardly long. What they find is winter weather and coyotes make camping hazardous, commune life is almost as restrictive and conventional as their home town, friendly strangers run prostitution rings, people will shoot you over an avocado, and Mary is on the FBI’s missing person’s list, as a runaway. Another long and oddly constructed sentence. Also, it sounds very episodic. Once they go on a road trip, what is the arc of the plot? What main conflict do they face?
This 89000 word, humorous story of youthful rebellion, dramatic hardships, and emotional loss is reminiscent of a lighter, feminine “On the Road” with a Nora Ephron sensibility. I believe it will appeal to young adults, Generation Xers, and Baby Boomers interested in taking a trip back to 1976. I'd cut all this and get into more detail with the actual plot.
Sincerely,
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