ok, hopefully the final draft....

Share your blood sweat tears query for feedback and lend your hard-won expertise to others
Post Reply
User avatar
hannah_dreamergirl_3
Posts: 53
Joined: February 16th, 2010, 12:11 pm
Location: Washington, England
Contact:

ok, hopefully the final draft....

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » March 14th, 2011, 1:33 pm

Hi guys, I think I'm there, but you just never know!
Here's the latest version of my query for THE TIME....

Dear

The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. Being a spy is the biggest part of her life but after things got nasty with her now ex-fiancé, she was forced to walk away.

But now a man from another time is causing havoc by trying to kill the Prime Minister. With previous attempts to catch him all failing, the number of secret agents skilled enough to take on this mission is getting ever lower. Teri’s previous success with assignments means she is now recognised as the best woman for the job.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well, one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her past and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions.

Once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she starts to believe his stories and wonders if the people she works for are really as good as they seem. With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country’s coming to fruition around her, she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot. I am currently a young reviewer for the Newcastle Evening Chronicle, for the second year. I have had writing published in Mizz magazine and the Northern Cross. I have also received full marks in my creative writing coursework at both GCSE and AS Level.

THE TIME is a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words.

Thank-you for your time and consideration,

Hannah Bullimore
Check out my new blog at, http://hannahbullimore.wordpress.com

'Good writing is to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon'

ELDoctorow

AllieS
Posts: 125
Joined: March 3rd, 2011, 3:19 am
Contact:

Re: ok, hopefully the final draft....

Post by AllieS » March 14th, 2011, 7:25 pm

Hey Hannah. Just a quick suggestion: keeping all your drafts in one post is much easier as opposed to starting a new entry for each one. That way the people commenting can see what you've changed and whether something in your previous entries worked better.


The last time Teri Monohan's personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. Being a spy is the biggest part of her life but after things got nasty with her now ex-fiancé, she was forced to walk away. The second sentence doesn't work for me. Maybe you could combine the two, saying something like: "When things got nasty with her ex-fiancé, Teri Monohan got thrown out of the Secret Departments." It gets both points across.

ButDon't need the but. Now a man from another time is causing havoc by trying to kill the Prime Minister.I think you could just say he's trying to kill the Prime Minister. Obviously that would be wreaking havoc. With previous attempts to catch him all failing,Maybe, "With each failed attempt to catch him," would sound clearer. You don't need to take my suggestions, I'm just trying to show you how it could be rearranged to sound better. the number of secret agents skilled enough to take on this mission is getting ever Ever lower? lower. Teri’s previous success with assignments this doesn't sound as impressive as I wish it would. Previous success is a little dull sounding.means she is now recognised as the best woman for the job.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problemDrop this. Start with: But by going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well,colon might introduce this better one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more. Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her past and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions. Not sure you need this.

Once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she starts to believe his stories and wonders if the people she works for are really as good as they seem. Wait, what? The mysteries man is the time-traveller, right? What stories? He has stories? What is he saying that is making Teri question the integrity of the Secret Departments? This is all too vague.With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country’s coming to fruition around her, she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts.You don't need to say how tangled her past is. And this line just seems a little off to me. I'm not drawn in.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot. I am currently a young reviewer for the Newcastle Evening Chronicle, for the second year. I have had writing published in Mizz magazine and the Northern Cross. I have also received full marks in my creative writing coursework at both GCSE and AS Level.I think the highlighted part here is the only thing you should include, if at all. It shows you've had writing published. You might also be able to include the young reviewer part, but then again, this is all just taking up space where the agent could get bored.

Hope this helps!

User avatar
oldhousejunkie
Posts: 250
Joined: March 16th, 2010, 10:15 am
Location: South Carolina
Contact:

Re: ok, hopefully the final draft....

Post by oldhousejunkie » March 16th, 2011, 5:27 pm

To start, I found this query a bit wordy. You could easily combine some sentences and concepts to make this tighter over all. I found some of the wording a little generic--well it just didn't get my attention. Which is not good because the story line is really good. So here goes...

hannah_dreamergirl_3 wrote:Hi guys, I think I'm there, but you just never know!
Here's the latest version of my query for THE TIME....

Dear

The last time Teri Monohans personal life got complicated she was thrown out of the Secret Departments. Is that the name of the agency? If so, it's not doing anything for me. Being a spy is the biggest part of her life but after things got nasty with her now ex-fiancé, she was forced to walk away.
Try something like this (combined with your first line): Being a spy is her calling and Teri thinks her life is over until a man from another time tries to assasinate the Prime Minister. The Department has no other person to turn to, but taking on this mission will force Teri to confront the two most important men in her life: Carter, her ex-fiance who got her fired, and Mac, her oldest friend who may be the man of her dreams.

But now a man from another time trying to kill the Prime Minister. With previous attempts to catch him all failing, the number of secret agents skilled enough to take on this mission is getting ever lower. Teri’s previous success with assignments means she is now recognised as the best woman for the job.

However, this isn’t Teri’s only problem, by going back to work she will not only have to face Carter, her ex-fiancé, but Mac as well, one of her oldest friends, who she knows might become something more.


Teri’s personal and work life are about to collide as she faces up to her past and tries to prove herself by completing this most mysterious of missions. I think I might use this as your closing line.

But when Teri finds Michael, the mysterious assasin,Once finding this mysterious man, Michael, she starts to believe his stories and wonders if the people she works for are really as good as they seem. As the other poster said, 'his stories' is vague. Give some details. You'll have room if you combine some of the details at the top. With a secret plot as entangled with her own past as that of her country’s coming to fruition around her, she must choose between what she has always believed to be right and her own instincts. You may want to insert that other line I mentioned in place of this last bit.

I take inspiration from writers such as Elizabeth Kostova, Kate Mosse and Meg Cabot. I am currently a young reviewer for the Newcastle Evening Chronicle, for the second year. I have had writing published in Mizz magazine and the Northern Cross. I have also received full marks in my creative writing coursework at both GCSE and AS Level.

THE TIME is a romantic adventure novel, complete at 117,000 words. Begin your last paragraph with this, and then do your writing credits, and finally your young reviewer position.

Thank-you for your time and consideration,

Hannah Bullimore
Best of luck to you!

User avatar
hannah_dreamergirl_3
Posts: 53
Joined: February 16th, 2010, 12:11 pm
Location: Washington, England
Contact:

Re: ok, hopefully the final draft....

Post by hannah_dreamergirl_3 » March 18th, 2011, 6:17 am

Thanks for this guys!! I will post the revised version later today!
:-)

You know when you say to cut the bit about Mac, he is a really itegral part of the story...I know I have my synopsis, but I waned to include him. Is their a better way or do you think I really should cut that paragraph?
Check out my new blog at, http://hannahbullimore.wordpress.com

'Good writing is to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon'

ELDoctorow

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest