I'm not a fan of this sentence. I'd prefer the stakes to be clearer. eg. Gliane must choose between taking the vengeance she hungers for or rescuing the remaining prisoners. But better written than that.Netti wrote:Ok, here goes again... The one thing that I'm most unsure about in this version is the very last line. I was trying to do something not cliche and interesting(I guess that's the word I want) but think I may need to dial it back a bit. Anyway, thanks for all the help!
Duty above all else is what the Successors are taught from a young age on the planet Jodlaz.The problem with this sentence is you introduce us to two unfamiliar proper nouns straight up. Plus, it's an abstract statement that doesn't mean much at first. I'd cut this sentence and start with the second. So when Gliane and her comrades are sent by theher planet’s Representatives on a simple fact-finding mission to the Maircla Desert, they do it without question.but the mission goes awry when they are captured.
But Gliane soon finds herself at the mercy of a When thescientist who injects herGliane with a formula which makes anyone who touches her literally go mad. She accidentally uses her new power to escape and free her surviving comrades. Good.
Duty above all else.Again, I don't feel this adds anything to your query. It might be a theme in the novel, but I think all we need to know at this point is why she goes back, and your answer is in the next sentence: the Representatives send her back. The Representatives send the Successors back to the desert to collect more information and free the other prisoners. As part of the plan, they allow themselves to be recaptured and Gliane is prepared by the scientist to be sold. I wouldn't mind a hint of whom the scientist is going to sell her to, but it's not necessary.
The plan goes awry when Gliane discovers that the scientist has also kidnapped and poisoned her brother. In his pain he begs his sister to put him out of his misery.
Vengeance nestles around Gliane’s heart and she’s willing to do anything to satisfy its hunger.
So I think you're pretty much there, and obviously my changes are suggested only eg. I just noticed I added the word 'awry', which you already use further down in the query. Good luck with the final coat of polish.