Query - The Beautiful People

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bronwyn1
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Re: Query - The Beautiful People

Post by bronwyn1 » March 25th, 2011, 9:05 pm

ahhhhh you guys are AMAZING! once again, THANK YOU soooo much for your invaluable help! :)

Here's the latest draft, and as you can see, it's grown quite a bit. I hope in the best way possible!


In Santiago, Chile’s answer to Beverly Hills, seventeen-year-old Cote commits a capital crime—falling for working-class Salvador.

She’s drawn to his love for magical realist literature and his curious namesake, Chile’s first-ever elected banned word president. Despite the advice of her best friends, she starts to slowly befriend him. Soon, Cote’s sneaking behind the backs of everyone she knows to hang out with Salvador whenever she can. She becomes a part of his world of music and social activism. Through him, she learns about the darker side of Chile’s upper class, like its support for and occasional collaboration with the former military dictatorship.

But when a bitter friend-turned-backstabber learns of ‘Cote + that poor boy,’ she spreads it throughout the high society grapevine. For the first time ever, Cote experiences the vicious social exclusion that the upper class is supposedly famous for. Because dating across class lines is an unpardonable sin that should be punished. And she’s definitely punished—from snide whispers in the hallways to an after-school screaming match with one of her best friends to the dreaded ‘stern talking to’ from her parents. Cote finds herself torn between her heart and her heart, between Salvador and the people she’s known and loved forever.

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wilderness
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Re: Query - The Beautiful People

Post by wilderness » March 25th, 2011, 10:00 pm

I like it! Great job at adding more nuance and depth. Best of luck with it!

clara_w
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Re: Query - The Beautiful People

Post by clara_w » March 26th, 2011, 12:23 pm

[quote="bronwyn1"]
Seventeen-year-old Magdalena’s best friends have long-time wealth and prestige, but she has something better: their secrets. Old money and a fancy surname can’t mask all their problems.I would cut this last sentence, you started really well, but the sentence destroys all your good work. [/color]Like puking after meals or hooking up with every guy at the nearby boy’s school. Or falling for a guy who’s so tragically working-class, which in the ever-so-class-conscious city of Santiago, Chile, is an unforgivable sin. Telling, not showing. I would cut this too

She’s tired of being pushed into the shadows by her more popular friends, who aren’t exactly living up to their families’ sterling reputations. And high society won’t smile upon their transgressions as embellished by Magdalena. There’s nothing wrong with adding more spice to further flavor good gossip. It’s not like these girls aren’t guilty of doing the same exact thing every once in a while. I'm a bit confused now. I#m not so sure where magdalena stands: power with gossip and secrets or unpopular girl, and if so, how does she know the rich and famous' secrets?

If Magdalena can’t snag the very societal spotlight she covets, she’ll remain powerless, trapped and muy pathetic. And that’s the last thing her shameless, social-climbing self wants.

_______
But I don't really like this, because this character is such a bitch and would definitely (I imagine) put people (i.e. agents) off--I know she puts me off. So I wrote another draft of this query from the POV of a far more sympathetic character:

______
In Santiago, Chile’s most exclusive enclave, seventeen-year-old Cote commits a capital crime—falling for working-class Salvador. Better : )
He’s forbidden, fascinating and oh-so-different from anyone she’s ever known. He’s crazy smart, really funny and a hell of a lot nicer than the more ‘suitable’ yet totally sleazy private school guys that everyone else fawns over. Soon she starts ditching her best friends, who are too busy dealing with their own issues, to hang out with Salvador and become a part of his world of music and social activism. Through him, Cote learns about the darker side of Chile’s rigid class system and how exactly those at the top have gotten there. I would cut the last sentence.

When a friend-turned-backstabber starts spreading her secret all throughout the high society grapevine, Cote experiences social exclusion for the first time ever. But she’ll stick with Salvador and with her heart, even if it means sacrificing her popularity and life-long friendships.

I am extremely curious now. The second query is waaaaaaaaay better then the first, and I hope you wrote the book under Cote's POV!
So great job! : )

Laura516
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Re: Query - The Beautiful People

Post by Laura516 » March 30th, 2011, 10:10 am

Just a few quick things because I'm no expert. My impression as a regular reader/writer is that I like the having both characters in the query. It adds layers.

I do agree with littlebird's original reply that the last sentence needs to have a "stakes" element... so that we are left wondering (and wanting to find out) whether Cote stays with Salvador. Don't say she will stay with him no matter what, say she has to decide between staying with him and losing her status/friends... or find a way to keep both.

While I like the additional detail you added about the darker side of Chile's upper class, that sentence is very complex and long; I'd advocate breaking it into two.

But all in all a very interesting story. Good luck!

bronwyn1
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Re: Query - The Beautiful People

Post by bronwyn1 » March 30th, 2011, 1:35 pm

Thanks again everyone!

Here's the latest (and hopefully final...lol like that's going to happen xD) draft of the query. Tell me what you think:


In Santiago Chile’s Beverly Hills, seventeen-year-old upper-crust princess Cote commits a mortal sin—falling for working class musician Salvador.

She’s drawn to him for his love for magical realism and because he’s named after Chile’s first elected banned word president. Despite the advice of her best friends, Cote starts sneaking out to be with Salvador whenever she can. She becomes a part of his microcosm of music and social activism. Through him, she learns about the darker side of Chile’s upper class, like how it supported and collaborated with the former military dictatorship.

But when a bitter friend-turned-backstabber learns of Cote and Salvador's relationship she spreads the news all over the high society grapevine. For the first time ever, Cote experiences the vicious social exclusion that the upper class is famous for.

Dating across class lines is unforgivable. With snide whispers in the hallways, an after-school screaming match with one of her best friends, and her parents' threatening to disown her, Cote finds herself torn between her heart and her heart, between Salvador and the people she’s known and loved forever.

fishfood
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Re: Query - The Beautiful People

Post by fishfood » March 30th, 2011, 3:56 pm

Here's my nitpicking... ;)
bronwyn1 wrote:Thanks again everyone!

Here's the latest (and hopefully final...lol like that's going to happen xD) draft of the query. Tell me what you think:


In Santiago Chile’s Beverly Hills, seventeen-year-old upper-crust princess Cote commits a mortal sin—falling for working class musician Salvador. Nice.

She’s drawn to him for his love for magical realism (hmm...not sure if I like "magical realism" since it doesn't say a whole lot...) and because he’s named after Chile’s first elected banned word president.(I kind of thought to myself, is being named after a banned word president really a hot quality? Not saying it has to go, just giving you my initial reaction ;) ) Despite the advice of her best friends, Cote starts sneaking out to be with Salvador whenever she can. She becomes a part of his microcosm of music and social activism. Through him, she learns about the darker side of Chile’s upper class, like how it supported and collaborated with the former military dictatorship. It would be more exciting if this was present tense. Otherwise, "supported and collaborated" implies they don't do that anymore which is a good thing. So...there's really nothing dark about the upper class in the present day.

But when a bitter friend-turned-backstabber learns of Cote and Salvador's relationship, she spreads the news all over the high society grapevine. For the first time ever, Cote experiences the vicious social exclusion that the upper class is famous for.

Dating across class lines is unforgivable. With snide whispers in the hallways, an after-school screaming match with one of her best friends, and her parents' threatening to disown her, Cote finds herself torn between her heart and her heart, between Salvador and the people she’s known and loved forever. I'd break up this last sentence.

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